Set after Bury Your Dead, again from Gibbs point of view.

The moment I saw Tony's car blow up, I hated her. I have never hated her before, but I did, right then. But it wasn't just hate, it was an odd mixture of love and hate, that I have only felt for her. And then when Ducky looked at me with concern and made a simple statement, I felt so angry at her for making me answer the question.

"She blames herself." I stared back at him. "Should she?" He asked. Of course she should. She should blame herself for everything, for Tony not being here annoying me at this crime scene, for Ziva looking like she had just lost her best friend, for McGee not cowering when I shout at him, just staring blankly at me. But most of all, and what made me feel guilty the most, for me loving her. I felt conflicted. I shouldn't have been wanting to shake her till her teeth rattled and make love to her all at the same time.

I knew she was up to something, she had been so distracted recently and when I saw her making her way out of her office I decided to go to her house. I wanted to be there when she got back, to stop herself doing anything stupid, I wasn't quite sure what I thought she was going to do, but I wanted to be there, to make sure she was ok. I had a feeling in my gut that the Frog was going to call her and knowing Jenny, she wouldn't listen to him unless it was a surprise "visit", so when Tony told us to expect a call, I knew how this was going to pan out.

I managed to pick the lock of her front door, and quietly closed it behind me. I knew exactly where she kept her spare weapon so I opened her desk drawer. My eyes fell onto a pile of envelopes and I closed my hand around them and pulled them out. They were all the same as the letter that I had found the last time I was in her study.

My Darling,

You asked me once if I was offering you the chance to have children with me. God, I wish I had said yes then because I fear it is too late now.

I stared down at the words in front of me. I had had the same conversation with her when she first came back to NCIS. This man, this…bastard is leading the life that I should be. I felt cheated that she hadn't told me about him, maybe she knew that I would hunt him down.

I have wanted to tell you, so many times, but every time I open my mouth to speak, my mind seizes up and I can't voice exactly what I'm feeling. I hate myself for hurting you, but I had to do what's best for me. I have said I am sorry, so many times. So many times that I am not sure what I am apologizing for anymore. I know you think apologizing is a sign of weakness…

I re-folded the letter and rubbed small circles on my temples. The words she had written echoed in my head, I hate myself for hurting you, what about me Jen? Do you hate yourself for hurting me? I reached into the drawer and pulled out her weapon. I emptied the clip into my hand and replaced the weapon; at least she couldn't hurt anyone else.

She looked so calm sitting in front of The Frog, I wanted to be behind her, giving her support, but I stood, riveted to the spot, furious with her and furious with myself.

"Read us in." She said and I for a second I forgot that I was meant to be angry with her because she said "us". It is funny how effortlessly she uses the word. My mind flashed back to the letter.

I wish there was still an "us". We were good together, weren't we?

I smiled to myself, and then frowned as I remembered that she wasn't talking about me and her. It made me angry that she thought she was good with anyone other than me. I clenched my jaw in an effort to keep from screaming at her.

You have a way of looking after me that makes me so angry, yet feel so safe.

I shook my head slightly. I don't think she noticed because she didn't ask if anything was wrong. I was glad that someone else looked out for her, but that honor was meant to be for me, a long time ago it had been for me.

When she pointed the weapon at The Frog, my heart skipped a beat even though I knew it wasn't loaded. I took an unconscious step towards her and told her it wasn't loaded. If she noticed the confusion that crossed René's face, she gave no outward sign. As he walked out, I saw Jens shoulders slump and exhaustion shadow her face and I stepped forward to hold her, only to pull myself back. She was snappy and agitated.

"If the weapon was loaded and I wasn't here," I paused because she knew very well what I was going to say, "Would you have pulled the trigger?" I longed to pull her roughly to me, to take her over the desk, to ask her is she had ever loved me, did you Jen? Did you ever love me?

"I guess we'll never know." I couldn't help but wonder if she was answering my unasked question. She stared at me defiantly and I walked out slamming the magazine on her desk.

You have my heart, always,

Jen

Jen placed her hands over her face as tears spilled out of her eyes. She took a deep shaky breath and slumped into her chair. She pulled out a piece of paper. Maybe this would be the one letter that got delivered to its rightful recipient,

My Darling

I have been so stupid, trying to hide things from you, when you know me better than anyone, better than I know myself…

V!

Xox

The next part is almost done so should be up later today!