"Today I realized some things. There is a part of my girlfriend that hates me and everything I am. A part of her that will always hate me. And lately, that's the only part of her I really get to see. Once in awhile I'll get the part of her that loves me. The part that cares about me and how I feel. But.. it's getting less and less frequent. Honestly, it's gotten to the point where I can't even figure out why she's with me. I really don't feel like she has any love left for me at all. It feels like.. There's an emptiness in my stomach that just won't leave. She keeps telling me to leave her alone. To go away. That I don't love her and that I want to leave her. That I'm mean. She keeps giving me these blunt, one worded answers and when we talk on the phone she's just cold. Hollow. Unloving. It feels like my entire world is just crumbling down around me. This is the girl I plan on marrying one day but I just don't think she wants that anymore. And it kills me to say it but I feel like she wants to leave me and just doesn't know how. It feels like my heart is being broken over and over and over again. I fucking hate myself so much because I feel like.. I feel like such an idiot. I trust her with everything. She knows practically everything about me, and I thought I knew everything about her. But she just. She doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust me to listen to her when she needs me. She doesn't think I can handle it. If it helps her without causing her any harm, I can handle anything. What I don't get is that.. it's been a year. A whole fucking year. And it hasn't been a fucking walk in the park, unless you think parks are full of rabid bears and dragons and muggers and a whole mess of things. But I've stayed with her through all of it because.. because if anyone is worth that, it's her. But just. It's so hard because I miss her. I miss being able to talk to her. I miss getting on skype with her before bed and falling asleep smiling. I miss the pointless conversations we would have about nothing because we don't have all that much in common. I miss her. I miss us. I miss feeling like I had somewhere to go when I was lonely. But lately.. lately when I'm lonely, if I try to find her I just get lost. She thinks I hate her. I don't hate her. That's the thing. Sometimes it really feels like I should but I don't. Because for whatever reason I am still in love with her. And it feels like I'm losing her. I don't want to lose her. I can't. I just don't know how to make it stop. I need her to stop pushing me away. She keeps giving in to her head and every time she does.. she just... it feels like she wants me gone. like she really wants me gone so she can do whatever she wants. And it hurts. It hurts so much. she knows she's doing it too. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I try.. It never works. Never."

Jade sits on her couch, wrapped in her sweater, thinking back to May. She broke down to her therapist, never letting a tear fall, her voice cracking almost as much as her heart.

She stares at the picture of her and her small redheaded ball of joy.

No. Not hers.

She buries her face into her arms at the thought. Leaving Cat was so hard. She had never wanted to hurt the girl. She loves her, even now. She's just so scared, and she feels so lost. When she last saw Cat, she just stared at her pizza, not knowing what to do with it. Jade still looks at everything with such a broken look in her eyes and she knows it's hard for her little Kitten to see her go through that because she knows that feeling so well. It's something Jade wouldn't wish upon anyone. Nobody deserves to feel that emptiness. It's. Tiring. It's tiring and unforgiving and it wraps you up completely, squeezing until there's nothing left and Jade doesn't want Cat to see her like that. Cat has her own things going on, and as much as Jade wants to help her she can't. Especially not now. Her better half is gone and she needs to be okay to get it back.

She feels herself breaking more and more, but she can't bring herself to take her mind off of Cat. The tiny girl with hair to match a cupcake. She was her rock. Her home. Where she felt safe, and the only person to ever make her think the word home, and think something good. Somewhere warm. Safe is being wrapped up with Cat. Her little kitten. Home is where the heart is, and the beautiful girl she once called her own will always have her heart.

Jade gets up and walks over to the drawer where she keeps her blades, her weed and all her happy memories. She pulls out an unused blade and smiles at the familiarity of the sharp metal piece in her hand. Her friend and her enemy. Always there for her, but always causing pain. The smile fades as she presses the blade against her skin.

As the tears finally fall, she whispers two words. Two words Cat would never be able to hear. Jade prays they'll get to her somehow, as the red starts to bead up, slowly falling. It drips down from her arm to the floor, as jade whispers the same two words over and over again. Needing them to get to Cat. Needing them to get home.

"I'm sorry."

SO how do you all like it so far?

I know this chapter is significantly different from the last, but that's because I wanted it to be more Jade-ish

Tell me what you think or any advice or whatnot :)