I curled up on my couch, as Tori sat on the floor next to me, watching me cry.

"I feel like such a fuck up. I lost her. I lost the one good thing my life ever gave me. It's been so long and it still hurts. I. It feels like the only home I've ever known was just burnt to the ground. It feels like I'm a gold medal winning swimmer and I've forgotten how to swim. Drowning in what once comforted me. It's killing me. It's slowly killing me. I look in the mirror and just don't like what I see because she's not there behind me with her arms wrapped around my waist. And I. I'm getting bad again."

Tori sighed, "Cat... She lost the best thing that could've happened to her. You deserve better."

I shook my head and sobbed harder.

"No. She was my whole fucking world. She showed me happiness when I thought it was just a myth. She showed me home when I was lost. She. She made me feel so whole and now I'm just a broken, heartless mess. She took my heart with her when she left. I remember the gentle touch of her hand against my skin and it makes my throat go cold and my stomach churn. Because I will never be able to feel that again. I will never get that safe feeling again. It's gone and so is she. I. Tori. Please just. Just leave."

She stood up, shaking her head.

"Cat.. Please call me if you need anything."

She walked towards the door and left, leaving me there alone. I stared towards the wall and just broke. Sobbing, shaking, trying to hold down the vomit I could feel creeping up. All I could think about was her. My Jadey. How alone I felt. How wrong everything was without her. How much I wished I were dead because my life without her was just so barren. Back to the way things were before her. I could've dealt before her. I did deal before her. But now... Knowing the kind of happiness that she showed me, I felt more empty than ever. I felt more dead inside than I thought was possible. It hurt so much to know my babygirl was gone. That I'd never have her again.

I picked up the ring she gave me. When she asked if I would be hers forever. I rolled it around in my hand, the feeling familiar. I'd done this every night I'd broken down, the tears becoming more and more frequent as time went on. The longing only growing worse and worse as the days dragged on away from when I was hers. The beautiful emerald stone, two tiny diamonds set on each side, a silver band keeping them all in place.

I remember thinking I was gonna spend my whole life with her. I remember wanting to love her endlessly. She said she wanted it too but she just pushed me away and broke me. She loved to break me at the end. Leaving and coming back a few days later, begging for my forgiveness. Promising not to leave again. Five times in two weeks. And I let her do it because I just loved her so fucking much. I would've let the world burn for her. I let mine.

I swore I'd always love her.

I swear I always will.