Chapter 16—

A/N: Thank for all the kind reviews. I hope that this story continues be an enjoyment to all. Please keep the reviews coming.

Jeremy and Amanda walked not too far from the house. The evening was cool, probably around sixty-five degrees. Amanda was enjoying this time with Jeremy. Amanda thought for a minute… she had known Jeremy since they were about five years old. They had grown up together, and it was not until before Jeremy enlisted did she realize what a great relationship that they have. He is her first love. She knew that they were meant to be together for the rest of their lives. Amanda had not been able to spend as much time as she would like to with Jeremy since he returned home. In the beginning, she was fearful of the depression and anger that Jeremy had possessed. But she liked leading him, she felt like he needed her.

Jeremy walked with Amanda. His left hand held on to her right arm, and the cane was in his right hand. As they walked Jeremy was trying to find away to tell Amanda that she should not count on a lifetime of being a couple. He did not see the fairness in making her suffer because of his disability. It was bad enough that he would have to deal with the challenges of being blind, but to make her endure it would be wrong and unfair. The last thing that he wanted to do was hurt her, but he did not see anyway that anything but a strong friendship could last.

The two walked to a small park near the Sherwood home. They sat on the bench, and Amanda just gazed at Jeremy. She was sad that those brown eyes were vacant, but she thought they could overcome his limitations and make a wonderful life together. Finally the silence was broken. Jeremy hated what he was about to say, but he knew that their relationship could not continue the way that Amanda wished. The decision to explain this to Amanda stemmed from two things; one Jeremy was still unclear as to what he was able to do, and the fact that the unfairness of allowing Amanda to have to cope with his limitations was just too much.

"So why are you putting off going off to college?" Jeremy was very direct.

"Because… um I do not know what I want to do." Amanda said knowing full well that Jeremy could proverbially see right through her ploy. Because the real reason was that she wanted to be close to Jeremy. It has almost killed her when Jeremy was in Iraq, and she was here. There were many nights that she prayed that they would be together soon. Her prayer was bittersweet. They were together, but Jeremy was now blind.

"Amanda, please I may be blind but I am not stupid. You want to stay here because of me, right?" Jeremy said with softness trying not to be rude or unkind to Amanda.

"I guess… umm… you are right. I am so glad that you are home, and now we can start a life together." Amanda replied.

"When you were talking at dinner, about the argument that you had with your father, I could sense that there was something more to it than not knowing what you want to major in. I guess… my question to you is… do you really see a future with me?" Jeremy was trying to be very gentle, because the last thing that he wanted to do to her was hurt her.

"Jeremy… I can see us married! I can see us having a family. I say all of this before you left, and now I see it more clearly." Amanda was clear of what she wanted.

"Amanda, let me ask you this… when you saw us married, did you see a white cane in the picture?" Jeremy's directness was finally getting through to Amanda.

"What do you mean? Do you mean… did I see you blind? Of course not… but it really does not matter if you can see or not. We belong together." Amanda was fighting the tears.

"Amanda, we have been friends for a very long time. We have shared many things together, but it is unfair of me to ask you to have to cope with my blindness. Honey, I have yet to fully come to terms with the challenges of not being able to see, and yet you are talking about us being married and having a family. I am sorry I am not ready for that, and frankly I love you enough to say that you need to go off to college, and not be burdened by me." By this point Amanda was in tears. Jeremy fumbled around and took Amanda's hand, and continued…

"I think we will always have a great friendship, but you deserve to find your own life. I will not let you give up your own personal goals to be my caretaker. That is not fair to you."

"Jeremy, STOP IT!! You do not mean this… you are not officially out of rehab yet, you do not know what you want. How can you tell me that you will be a burden to me?" Amanda was sobbing.

"Look, I am not trying to make you feel bad… but there are a lot of things I will never be able to do again. And you would be the one to pick up the slack… and I am not willing to let you do that. Please, take care of yourself, and go off to college." By this point Jeremy was pleading with Amanda, for her to understand.

Finally, Amanda realized that she would not get Jeremy to change his mind. At this point, she was crying pretty hard. She stood up and starting walking away. Jeremy stopped her,

"Amanda, there is one small problem here I need your help to get home." Jeremy said bringing the whole situation back to reality.

"Oh yeah, sorry." Amanda said with small smile. Jeremy took Amanda's arm, and they walked back to the Sherwood's home. Neither spoke, until they got to the front door.

"Jeremy, I do not want to go back in there, will you tell them that I was pretty tired and I decided to go home?" Amanda asked still sobbing.

Jeremy gently kissed her cheek and said, "I will tell them." With that said Amanda walked to her car and got in and drove away. Jeremy stood there for a minute wishing that things could be different, because he did want more, but he knew that it was just not fair to expect that from her. She needed to have experiences that did not include caring for a blind boyfriend or husband. Finally, he turned the door knob, and walked into the family room of the home. When he walked in everyone stopped talking. He could feel all their eyes on him. Michael said,

"Jeremy, where is Amanda?"

"She said that she was pretty tired, and that she wanted to go home." Jeremy replied. Claudia Joy and Michael exchanged looks. They both knew something had transpired, but what they would not know until they got home. Even Denise and Frank exchanged inquisitive looks, but of course all of their looks were completely missed by Jeremy.

Claudia Joy, Michael, Frank and Denise looked at Jeremy hoping that he would be willing to complete the details. By the look on Jeremy's face, he was not willing to give up the desired information. Jeremy just stood in the foyer area, wondering what he should do; should he retire to his room, should he join the conversation. Frank finally said,

"Jeremy, why don't you sit down?" The question that Jeremy had at this very awkward moment was, ok where?

"No thanks, I think I am going to head upstairs. If no one minds I too am tired." Jeremy said, and he was actually tired, unlike Amanda he was physically tired.

"Well, Michael, its late, maybe we should go home." Claudia Joy chimed.

"Mr. and Mrs. Holden please do not leave on my account." Jeremy said graciously.

"No, I have an early meeting in the morning. Frank and Denise, thank you for everything." Michael said, getting up to leave.

Claudia Joy motioned to Denise, call me. Meaning that when Jeremy finally told her what happened to give Claudia Joy a call. Everyone said their good nights, and the Holden's left. Denise looked at Jeremy, and said,

"Ok, Jeremy what happened?" He was not mad, just concerned. She liked Amanda, and just wanted to make sure she was all right.

"Mom and Dad, when Amanda and I went for a walk, we ended up at the park. We had a conversation. I asked her what the real reason was that she did not want to go off to college in the fall." Jeremy started.

"And?" Frank asked harshly.

"And she told me that she wanted to hang out here for me. I told her that she needed to go off to college. She kept telling me that we were meant to be together." Jeremy continued feeling like he was being interrogated.

"OK, and so?" Now it was Denise's turn.

"I told her that I love her, but I would not let her put her life on hold, while I got mine together. Look, I did not want to hurt her, but she deserves a life that does not revolve around my blindness. I tried to explain to her that it was not fair to her to have care for me. There are a lot of things I will never do again, or rather cannot do again, and I do not want her to be burdened by that." Jeremy said being relieved.

Frank and Denise did not know what to say. They were surprised with Jeremy's openness, and his honesty. Jeremy continued…

"Again the last thing that I ever wanted to do was hurt her, but we have to be realistic. I want her to be happy, and I do not believe that she would be happy with me. Frankly, I am not ready to get married. I still have a lot to learn… I want to go to college, but there are a lot of things I need to do first. I need to figure out what I want."

At this point, Denise's eyes were moist. She understood where Jeremy was coming from, but she also understood how Amanda felt. Frank was very surprised at his son's practical nature.

"I am sorry that I ruined your evenings. I just wanted Amanda to know how I felt. Mom, did I hear you right that I am going to stay here tonight?" Jeremy asked trying to change the subject.

"Son, you did not ruin our evenings. We are just surprised." Frank finally said.

"Yes, you are staying here tonight, if of course you want to." Denise said.

"I would like to." Jeremy replied with a sigh.

Frank just looked at his son. He was impressed in what mature adult that Jeremy had grown into so quickly. The maturity and honesty it took for him to tell Amanda that and then tell Denise and him that was interesting. Denise went up and hugged her son… and said quietly, "I am proud of you."

After the hug, Denise announced that she was tired, and was heading upstairs to bed, and asked if Frank would join her, and he replied no, I will stay here and watch some TV. Denise asked if Jeremy needed any help, and he replied that he would stay and watch TV with Frank. For some reason, this surprised Frank, as he never thought that Jeremy would want to watch TV. Jeremy said good night to his mother, and then found his way to the couch.

Frank flipped the TV remote, and finally settled on Sports Center. Jeremy sat there and listened to the commentators, but he was lost in thought, when Frank said,

"Here." Frank held out a bottle of cold beer, and Jeremy reached up and grabbed it, as Frank guided it in his hand. Jeremy took a sip figuring it was a soda.

"Dad, this is beer, I am not…" Before Jeremy could finish

"Yeah you are old enough, in this house, you became old enough when you went and fought in Iraq." Frank replied.

"Thanks." Jeremy was shocked.

"That took a lot of guts telling Amanda that tonight." Frank said.

"I really did not want to hurt her, but…" Jeremy sighed.

"Son, I cannot begin to understand what you are going through right now. But I have seen something happen to you, and I just want to go on the record and say I am proud of you." Frank said with a smile.

"Thanks. That means a lot." Jeremy could not remember ever hearing those words come out of his father's mouth.

They both sat in silence. Jeremy did not hear the TV, he assumed that Frank had it on mute. Finally, Jeremy broke the silence.

"Dad, were you serious the day that we were in the cafeteria, and you said that if I ever needed to talk about what I saw over there, you would listen?" Jeremy asked cautiously, as he never had a conversation like this with Frank.

Frank replied, "Very, why?"

"Just because there are things that I saw, that I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night remembering." Jeremy said.

"Like nightmares?" Frank asked curiously, because in his twenty-five year career with the Army he knew all about the dreams and the nightmares.

"No not really nightmares, just dreams. They are just so vivid, and I know that they were real events." Jeremy continued.

"Yeah, actually I know those all too well. I remember when I was in Kosovo… months after I came home I did not have one night that I did not wake up remembering. Son, they are very hard to forget…" Frank replied.

"How did you forget them?" Jeremy was searching for something. It was not that the dreams were bad, nor were they nightmares, they were memories.

"Jeremy, you will never for get them… believe me… you just start to accept them as part of your life, and you start to move on." Frank was searching for some facial or visual response from Jeremy, because he temporarily forgot that his son's eyes were going to be empty.

Frank stood up, and was heading to the kitchen for another beer, when he asked,

"Jeremy, do you want another one?" Frank said clinking his beer bottle to let Jeremy know what he was talking about.

"No thanks… I think that I am going to go to bed." Jeremy stood up, and unfolded his cane and lightly tapped it.

Frank put down his beer bottle on the counter and headed to his son.

"Would you like some help?" Frank asked.

"Actually I would… thanks." Jeremy admitted.

"Ok, how do I do this?" Frank asking how to guide his son.

"Well, I will put my left hand on your shoulder, and you just walk, and I will follow. And when there are steps, just tell me." Jeremy said.

"Got it." Frank was a bit cautious, as he took Jeremy upstairs to his room. They reached the room. Frank started laughing.

"What is so funny?" Jeremy asked.

"Your mother must have pulled your bed back, and she laid out a pair of shorts." Both men laughed, as they found it amusing that Denise had taken the effort.

"Jeremy, I will leave you, unless you need something." Frank said.

"No I think I am good… thanks." Jeremy said still smiling.

"Dad…?" Jeremy questioned.

"Yeah…?" Frank answered.

"Thanks." Jeremy said.

"You are welcome. Good night, Son." Frank said.

"Night." Jeremy said.

Jeremy quickly changed into the shorts that were on the bed, and walked around the room trying to get his bearings. Finally, he crawled into bed. He fell asleep quickly thinking… what is tomorrow going to bring?