Chapter 30—

A/N: Thank you to all for your generous and very kind words of support. I try to write at least one chapter a day; however it does depend on my work schedule. This story has become means of relaxation from work… so I hope you continue to enjoy this story.

Stephanie and Jeremy drove back to her apartment. They chatted about music, movies, but Stephanie could sense there was something on Jeremy's mind. She originally thought that it was probably the deployment of his dad… but the closer they got to her apartment the more she realized it was something more than the deployment. Stephanie clicked the door opener to open the door to her apartment. Jeremy stumbled around and then sat down on the couch. Stephanie rolled into her bedroom where she quickly packed an overnight bag, with the basics. She rolled back into the living room where Jeremy was sitting quietly. Jeremy was a relatively quiet person by nature, but his stoic demeanor had Stephanie perplexed.

"Sherwood… what is going on with you?" Stephanie asked, actually pretty curious at to what was eating Jeremy.

"Nothing really." Jeremy said hoping that Stephanie would live it alone, but he knew she would not.

"Give me a break… I am not the blind one here… I can see that something is bothering you." Stephanie replied, and actually she was getting pretty concerned, as it was not like Jeremy not to tell her everything.

"That's not funny." Jeremy complained. He had gotten used to the blind jokes; in fact he was the one who usually told them.

"Seriously what is wrong?" Stephanie said getting closer to him.

"There are a lot of things on my mind." Jeremy continued.

"Ok… spill it… stop being so evasive!" Stephanie demanded.

"Fine… it is my dad's deployment; it is my knee, it's this." Jeremy waving his hand across his blank eyes.

"So it is a matter of self-pity." Stephanie said matter a factly. She knew that this sounded very cold, but that is not what she was trying to accomplish.

"I really would not say that it was self pity." Jeremy prompted.

"OK… what is it then?" Stephanie continued to demand.

"I really hate that my Dad deployed again. I am just worried… every time in the past he and I always had the conversation before he left. He always told me that when he was gone I was the man of the house. But this time he did not say a word… may be I am just imaging things… but I think that he thinks that I am not capable of taking care of things in his absence." Jeremy said.

"You are joking… you are this concerned about not being asked to be the man of the house? Jeremy, what are you 12? I am sure that it was just an oversight of a very busy senior officer, who was told that he had 48-hours until deployment. Look, I am not trying to be hard on you, and I know that you really want your father's respect, but have you ever thought that may be you cannot do everything just like you used to? I am sure that your father trusts you to take of things… but at this point in time you are still learning how to live with being blind. It is not that you have not come a very long way, but you are still learning. Besides you still have a lot on your plate medically as well. Your knee is not healing as fast as you want to, and I can tell by the way you walk that it you are in pain. I also have seen you with some headaches lately…. And you are about to start college; and yet you are worried that you were not asked to be the man of the house. Frankly, Jeremy, your mother can wear the pants in your family, better than your dad or you ever could. Your mother is a very strong and capable woman." Stephanie said rather directly and coldly. She meant to be direct, but she did not mean to be cold.

"Wow… you certainly know how to get to the point quickly. May be we should just change the subject." Jeremy had not expected this reaction out of Stephanie. It was difficult to get sympathy out of Stephanie, but that was not what Jeremy was trying to get. There was something more but he just could not seem to articulate the real issues. Stephanie thought there was more, but she seemed to alienate Jeremy into changing the subject, and she did not mean to.

"Jeremy, no… listen… I am sorry; I am not trying to be hard on you… I am just trying to understand what is wrong?" Stephanie continued.

"Never mind… it's nothing…really" Jeremy said not wanting to have a lecture from Stephanie.

"Jeremy… stop…really what is it? Is it your knee? Your Dad?" Stephanie asked trying to draw something information out of Jeremy; as he was being very stubborn about what was wrong.

"Yeah, it's my Dad, it's my knee, it's the headaches, it's the idea of going to college, its mom, it's…." Jeremy finally admitted.

"OK… I understand… you are feeling overwhelmed." Stephanie knew this feeling well; life was hard enough without a disability. However, there were additional challenges to life when a disability is added to the mix.

"Yeah, I just do not feel like I can do anything the way that I used to. People treat me different… and I am not sure how to handle that. I am not sure how to make people feel at ease around me." Jeremy finally admitted.

"Jeremy, I could give you every cliché in the world… like you can do anything that you put your mind to; but I think you already know that. Of course people are going to treat you different… because you are different. I am not talking about the physicality of being blind. You are a different person than you were before you enlisted. You told me that you were angry, and you allowed that anger to consume you. In the short, time that I have known you, I have never seen the kind of anger, and you have even admitted that that kind of anger is no longer exists. Also, think about all that you saw in Iraq. I know what I saw in Afghanistan, and believe me that changes a lot about who and what you are. So what I am saying is that people are treating you differently because you are different. Think about it…" Stephanie said with sincerity and a genuineness that left Jeremy thinking.

"I guess that I have not thought of it that way. And you are right… what I saw in Iraq changed me…the death and destruction that I saw was something I am glad that I will never see again. But I am treated different because I am different… I am blind, and my knee will not cooperate with what my body wants it to do. Yeah, I agree that I am not the same person as I was before I left… but I feel like I am my disability. Am I making sense?" Jeremy was still trying to find himself, and he thought that others defined him as what he appeared to be on the outside.

"Actually, Jeremy you are making perfect sense… and in some ways I felt the same way. But here is what I see is really happening… others are not defining you as the 'blind' guy, you are defining yourself as the 'blind guy'. Frankly you are one not giving yourself enough credit, two you are not giving the people in your life enough credit either, and finally you have not had enough experience with yourself with a disability. As I keep telling you… cut yourself some slack… you did not grow up in a day, and it will take time for you not to define yourself as the 'blind guy', as you are letting that consume your identity. And the people in your life are allowing you to make the needed mistakes. Your mom and dad are great; as they have allowed you to make the choices of what you want with your life, example: go to college. I can tell you with some experience… having a disability no matter what it is SUCKS!! But you do not have to let it consume you." Stephanie lectured, understanding where Jeremy was coming from, because she had been in a similar place almost two years ago.

"Ok… how do I get past that?" Jeremy asked, confident that Stephanie had an answer.

"Honestly, I do not know… I can tell you that I am still working through that. The difference is that you have a support system with your family, that I did not have nor will I. Allow yourself the time and be patient with yourself. Frankly, take the time that you need to find yourself! That is the only way that I know to get rid of that feeling." Stephanie commented hoping that Jeremy was feeling a bit better.

"Ok.., I guess" Jeremy replied.

"I wish I could change your feelings for you… but I cannot. But unfortunately you are going to have to make the changes. Now with that said, your mother is probably wondering where we are." Stephanie commented, knowing that she had given Jeremy a lot to think about.

Stephanie and Jeremy continued talking about it concerns in the car. He was starting to understand what Stephanie was saying; the problem is that he is very impatient. He wanted to get on with his life, but his thoughts were; how do you get on with your life, when you cannot see what is in front of you, or at least that was what Jeremy was thinking. He realized that he was being melodramic, and Stephanie was right… this was all up to him. He did feel like the 'blind guy', but he was the person who was making him feel that way.