Chapter 35—

A/N: Your reviews are appreciated. I apologize for the extended length of time it has taken me to complete this chapter. Please read and enjoy. This will be a short chapter… but there will be more chapters to come, but it will take awhile.

Jeremy eventually won the battle over the restraints and the tubes; however, everything he did had to be supervised by someone. He spent an extensive amount of time in some sort of therapy. Initially, Jeremy had private sessions with Roland, group therapy, family therapy, physical therapy, and occupational therapy. The medical personnel discussed that it would be a good idea to keep Jeremy busy. Actually much of the private sessions with Roland were proving to be helpful.

Through the counseling sessions with Roland, Jeremy learned what caused his depression that led to the attempt on his own life. It more than feeling over whelmed, it was more than struggling with a disability and it was of a fear of not living up to the expectations. Those expectations were often self imposed by Jeremy. He hated the fact that he would never see again. He came to terms with his knee (to which he often used as an excuse.), but he could not see to come to terms with the darkness. He was scared by the infinite darkness that he always saw. Jeremy was scared more than the terminal darkness he was scared of living with no vision; was scared of the uncertainty and who he was becoming.

Growing up, Jeremy was taught to take care of himself, and not asking for help. That was the expectation. Jeremy did not feel that he could live up to the expectation of taking himself without asking for help, yet he was scared of talking about his fears with his mom and dad. It was not that he did not think that they cared, but it was a matter of not living up to perceived expectations. He had started to trust Stephanie; but she was not the easiest person to talk to. Stephanie meant well, but her take tough no prisoner attitude was sometimes difficult to take. Jeremy felt very alone in the unusual darkness that he lived in.

Jeremy sat on the couch in Roland's office, feeling the doctor eyes on him. Roland had been tough but gentle when dealing with Jeremy's therapy sessions. Roland had been sensitive to Jeremy's to his mood swings but he was tough in the fact that Roland could quickly cut through Jeremy's political correctness, or rather Jeremy's crap.

"So Jeremy, have you thought about what we talked about yesterday?" Roland asked opening the conversation. During yesterday's session they had talked about life strategies, and what Jeremy wanted to do with the rest of his life. Roland was fully aware that this was a tedious but necessary discussion in order to help Jeremy to continue to adjust to life with a disability. Furthermore, patients that often have things to look forward to recover faster than those who did not; whether it is from an injury, severe depression or both.

"Yes and no. I am still not sure what I am supposed to do." Jeremy admitted still not willing to give Roland a straight answer.

"Ok, Jeremy at some point you are going to have to make decisions for yourself. The sooner you start making decisions about what you want the sooner you will feel more comfortable with yourself." Roland pointed out.

"But look at the decisions I have already made, and look at where they got me!" Jeremy said pointing to his eyes and waving his hands around the office.

"Interesting point… but not all the decisions that you will make in life will have such…um severe consequences." Roland said.

"What would you do in my situation?" Jeremy asked probing.

"Well I am not in your situation. But what I would do is take the opportunities at my disposal and make the decisions from there." Roland did not want to make an inadvertent decision for Jeremy regarding going to college, or taking some time and continuing to develop the needed skills to be successful. Roland's feeling was that it was too soon after everything that Jeremy had been through medically to go to college. In Roland's mind, Jeremy's self esteem did not need another blow, and if there was a struggle with the academics it could put him right back into his self loathing state. But this was going to be Jeremy's decision. A lot had changed in Jeremy since he left the hospital and went home permanently. Jeremy had allowed the uncertainty to erode his self-esteem to the point where depression and self loathing had taken over.

"Dr. Burton, I want to go to school, but I do not feel it is the right time yet. I need some time to figure out who and what I am." Jeremy stated. Roland was pleased that Jeremy was able to verbalize what his decision was.