A/N: Woo I'm back, sorry to leave you with that cliffhanger but hey, anyone who knows my writing knows I love to do that! Anyway here's the next chapter, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own YYH
Chapter 7: Living For You
Hiei's P.O.V
My mind was clouded over with the sick mixture of pain and confusion. I felt a light warmth on my face and forced myself to open my eyes despite my wonder of how I was still here.
The sun from the morning was shining in through the bathroom window onto where I had been lying on the floor. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, why was I still alive? How was I still alive?
I couldn't even muster up the confidence to look at my wrists, I know I slashed them, I know I felt myself bleeding onto the cold, tile floor. Then how is it that I may still be alive?
FlashbackI slashed my wrists in one vicious movement then let myself lean back against the wall and feel the pain of it.
I could feel my hands shaking lightly, I forced my eyes open and looked down at my bleeding wrists, my hands were already coated in the red liquid.
I was looking at my life leaving my body but I wasn't seeing it, all I could see was a certain redhead, the disappointed look he would give me if he ever found out about this, the sadness that would fill his green eyes and rob him of the happiness he more than deserved.
No, no if I let this continue and I let myself die here tonight then I'd be killing Kurama along with myself, lord knows he would never forgive himself when he found out what happened to me.
Does this mean I'm living solely for his happiness?
I forced myself up without the use of my arms and over to the sink where I grabbed some of the bandages I had in a cabinet. I then began the annoying task of trying to wrap my wrists up as tight as I could with my opposite hand and partially with my teeth.
For anyone who's taking that into consideration, I don't recommend it, it doesn't work that well.
When I was finally done I went back over to where I had been in the beginning and sat down with my head leaning back against the cool wall.
I was beginning to feel the pain of it all, but I didn't care, all that mattered was trying to make it through the rest of the night with my wrapped up wrists and hope to the gods that I would wake up tomorrow.
End flashback
Now, as looked at myself in the mirror the next morning I was whiter than normal and I looked like I was in so much pain, not that I wasn't. I wanted to smash the mirror into a thousand pieces, into so many pieces that I couldn't see myself in it any more.
I could see the blood that had stained the white cloth, proving the sick fact that last night was not just another nightmare. I proceeded in wrapping more bandage around my wrists until the red had disappeared.
My hands functioned a little better than they had last night but it still hurt to move them.
I lightly grinned down at my pathetic excuse for work, it was nothing compared to how Kurama would have been able to do it but he didn't have two slit wrists and barely any blood left in his arms when he was doing it either.
Considering the circumstances I think I did I pretty good job!
I then proceeded to clean up my own blood from the floor and discard it so that no one would ever suspect a thing. I then left from the room and went to my bedroom to dress for Yusuke's party, thankfully I had a long sleeved black shirt.
I went down into the kitchen in an attempt to find any type of food that I could feed my body, to assist in it's repair. All we had was sour milk, old bread, alcohol, and various other items that were too morphed for me to even think of eating.
I sighed, of course there was no food in this house, what was I thinking even searching for something?
I thought for a moment, I was going to meet them at Yusuke's for his party but I didn't know when, I had heard some time mid-day, and our clock said it was noon now so I probably didn't have that long before I was late.
-
On the way to Yusuke's I went into one of the small supermarkets and bought a candy bar and an apple, I was no doctor, how was I supposed to know what I should be eating at a time like this?
As I made my way there I finished my purchases glad that I had something actually in me now.
Outside of Yusuke's apartment I waited for a long minute, there were so many factors that told me to turn and go home. For one thing I really didn't want to be around any of them today, and for another I didn't want to be around them if Kurama hadn't come already.
Hesitantly I rang the doorbell and waited, I was nervous as can be and still held myself back from leaving before someone came.
Finally though Yusuke opened the door with his happy look and I knew that I was now stuck for the next two days.
"Hey, Hiei you actually did come, we thought you wouldn't show up!" He said with surprising joy on his face. When he actually looked at me he stopped, "hey, you look really pale, are you okay?" He asked with concern.
"Hn, I'm fine you fool… just not feeling to well today." That was defiantly an understatement.
"Well if you don't feel up to it you don't have to stay you know." I could hear that he meant it, he did want me to stay but not if I didn't want to. Despite what I had been telling myself I knew that there was nothing more I wanted then to see the redhead's face and to see him smile.
"I'll be fine."
"Well that's good, come on in, everyone's already here." I was glad, I stepped in when he moved. There was a kitchen to the left when you walked into the apartment and straight ahead was the living room, where the other two were.
I stepped in and Yusuke followed close behind, "see, I told you Hiei would make it." Yusuke announced. Kuwabara and Kurama were seated on the couch, they smiled but then I saw Kurama's look fall.
"Hey, shorty looks really pale." Kuwabara commented.
"He's not feeling well baka! Leave him alone." Yusuke scolded him. I had to look away, lightly trying to draw my sleeves over my hands to make my lacerations that much more invisible.
-
We spent the day doing an assortment of activities, most of which ended up with Yusuke and Kuwabara getting into some kind of fight.
By sunset we were all seated around a circle playing a game that Yusuke called, 'Tell the Truth' and from how it had been going I didn't like it.
He said it was basically truth or dare without the dare part. So each person had to ask another person a question that they had to answer truthfully and so far I had been spared of being asked ay questions.
"Okay, my turn." Yusuke said with his smile, and without hesitation he proceeded, "Kuwabara why do you love cats so much?"
"That's easy, because their cute and soft!" Yusuke looked confused, "and you call yourself a man?" He asked and Kurama chuckled.
"Yeah, whatever, my turn." He looked around at the three of us in deep thought. "Kurama, do you have any guilty pleasure?"
"Such as?"
"Well, anything you do that no one would expect you to do because you're you?" Kuwabara was an idiot, I hated the way he spoke. Kurama had to think and I watched him as he did.
"No, not really."
"Wow, that's kind of boring." Kurama just chuckled. He was lying, I knew he was, only I knew about his liking for sad romance films. I shook my right arm as I had begun to loose feeling in it.
"Okay," his emerald eyes shot over to me and I instantly tensed up, I doubt it was noticeable though as no one seemed to say anything.
"Hiei, what do you dream about?" I glared at him and he smirked back at me, I hated how he did that.
"Nothing I don't dream." He didn't miss a beat, "I think you're lying Hiei." His tone said that he was trying to get a rise out of me, but he was saying it in a way where I knew what he was talking about and the others didn't.
"And I think you're a lying bastard who doesn't know when to let things be!" I shouted back at him. The room went silent and I looked away from them, I held back my urge to get up and leave.
I couldn't let myself be alone, after what had happened last night I didn't trust myself to be left alone.
"Are we missing something?" Yusuke asked after a minute of silence, I averted my eyes, if he wanted to tell them about what had happened I didn't mind.
"No Yusuke, nothing at all." Kurama finally said softly his eyes were still watching me, I wondered if the tone was really meant for them or for me?
"Do you want us to step out?" He asked, Kurama must have shook his head because they didn't move.
I saw Yusuke nod out of the corner of my eye. "Well we're going to go decide on something to order for dinner." The two got up and went to the kitchen.
Without thinking I went to push myself up with my hand and a searing pain went up my arms, I bit my tongue to keep from screaming out. I quickly stood up without the use of my hands and began to walk away.
Where to I didn't know, I knew Kurama was watching me, but I hated him for even daring to bring that one thing up when the other two were around.
I don't know if he realizes that I don't consider them much of my friends.
I stepped out onto the balcony that looked out onto the city and let my mind take over, my eyes no longer saw the scenery.
I don't understand what's happening to me, I've held everything under control for so long could it be that I'm finally breaking without any release?
No, that couldn't be it, I couldn't break, I didn't know what would happen if I did and I was afraid of what would happen if I did. I looked at my covered wrists that were on the iron railing.
But look what I'm doing to myself, I'm slowly dying from all of this and I'm sure that falls under the category of braking.
"Hiei." I closed my eyes, why must he always plague me in some way? "Nani?" I asked without turning, Kurama came over and stood next to me.
"Yusuke and Kuwabara are going out to get the food."
"Why aren't we going?"
"They said they'd be back shortly." That wasn't an answer for my question, how dare they leave me with him!
"I want to talk to you Hiei," he said softly, I couldn't help but look at his outwards pointed eyes. "Go ahead." I said.
He sighed and looked at me, "I want you to be honest with me, we have already stated that we trust one another." I simply nodded but I feared what he wanted to say to me.
"Hiei, how are you doing, really?"
"I'm fine Kurama, why?"
He smiled, "I said I wanted you to be honest with me, and I have a few pieces of evidence that say that you're answer isn't true."
"Such as?"
"Now Hiei, do you really want me to get into specifics?" No, no Kurama I really don't, I want to completely break down to you and tell you everything that's being hid behind these hollow crimson eyes.
I want to ask you why it's taken you this long to see it.
With a sigh he shrugged and took my right arm that was closest to him, his touch was ever so gentle but I still felt the need to scream at the touch; I bit my tongue instead.
He drew back my sleeve and fingered the cloth on my wrist, his hurt eyes looked at me, "I noticed it when you shook your arm earlier, and how you refuse to put any pressure on it. I've been trying not to think about what's under these, but I can't help but wonder." His features said he wanted me to tell him and I suddenly felt compelled to.
"It's really none of your business Kurama."
"Hiei you're my best friend, and I'm worried about you so it is my business, please just tell me Hiei, I can't stand having you leave me here in the dark any longer." His words hurt me and I knew he meant them to. Now was where I did brake for him; and only him because he had asked.
"It's probably exactly what you're thinking." I looked away and he was silent, which killed me even more than the words now. I felt his grip tighten then loosen repetitively on my arm, I held back wanting to tell him that that really did hurt me.
"Tell me why Hiei." I was silent, he took my face in his free hand and forced me to look at him, to stare straight into his hurt green eyes. "Tell me Hiei." He said firmly, but I didn't know what to tell him.
I wanted to say that this was why I didn't tell him, because I wouldn't be able to see him hurt like this.
"I hated the pain Kurama, I can't stand it anymore."
"What are you talking about? Why didn't you tell me?" He led me inside the house and sat me down on the couch. "Tell me everything." I grinned, "I don't have the time, the others will be back before I finish."
"I don't care! This only concerns you and I right now, I want to know everything, you know I'm going to listen to you." He was right and I knew we would even leave if it came down to that.
But I couldn't hold this back any longer, I had to tell him now, if I didn't then I never would, and the next time I try something stupid I would probably succeed.
"For years I've just been slowly falling downwards into his blackness, and last night I didn't care anymore and I wanted it to end. I didn't even care how you would take it, anything was better than knowing I wouldn't be able to convince myself into living another day."
"But why?"
"I have no family because of me Kurama, my mother's an alcoholic, my father doesn't exist to me, and well…" He was still holding my arm, I used my left hand to push his arm up to the bandages from the lacerations he had helped me with.
"You're a smart person Kurama, I'm sure you can fill in the rest."
I was proud of myself for not braking like I had a couple of days ago. But the night was soon approaching and there was no doubt that he would not let this rest; who knew what his perfectly placed words would be able to draw out of me.
As I looked at him I saw that he was registering it all in his mind, slowly letting it sink into him. He was giving me a confused look that said he understood exactly what I was thinking at the same time, that mixed with the hurt constricted my heart till I thought it would drop out of my chest.
"Hiei…" I saw the pain that suddenly took over his eyes, he was hurting from this more than I was, maybe I just had accepted it better than he had. But Kurama had always been the stronger one of us, what had I said to bring about this?
"I apologize Kurama, I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear, I can make it better." I was silently begging for him to not break on me, if he did I would have no support to keep me from doing the same.
I waited for another moment and then spoke. "Are you mad because I didn't tell you?" I asked, if he was I wouldn't blame him.
He sighed heavily, "no, I'm not mad, I'm a little upset that you wouldn't tell me something that important for this long. And that you didn't come to me last night, but I'm not mad."
How many times would I have to apologize for him to forgive me this time? Give me a number and I would do it.
"Tell me what your thinking." I said, more like asked.
"I'm wondering how exactly you're still staying so strong even now, and I'm thinking about a couple of nights ago, what you said, and about how I have to help you fix this." I shook my head.
"It doesn't need fixing, I have everything under control." He grinned, "I don't think this counts as having everything under control." I glared at him, hating him for being right.
I sighed but he caught me before I could speak. "If there's a next time Hiei, please tell me, I don't care when it is or what it is, I think you owe me that."
He was right, I did owe him that, just like I owed him so much more than that. "I will."
A/N: Okay so the secret is out of the bag, or however that saying goes. Now the healing begins. But make no mistake, this story is still angst and so there will still be some more upsetting scenes in later chapters.
Please review!
-Forbiddensoul562