I smuggled all most everything during this relatively short war. I smuggled food from the Land of Fire to the Land of Earth. I smuggled intelligence from the Land of Earth to the Land of Fire. Sometimes, I would try the taste of being a pirate whenever I found Kirigakure and Kumogakure were robbing each other's merchant ship. I waited until them finished their battles, and robbed all the blood soaked spoils away from the winner.
I was laughing heartlessly when I did these nasty things. I did not care about the human from the other villages. I could only remember one thing: I had the responsibility to feed the widows and children left by the dead. I owed those brave souls.
There were only three things I did not smuggle during that chaotic war: addictive drugs, weapons and human. My Yondaime had his dignity and he wanted me to keep my dignity. I knew a branch of Konoha did something related to human trafficking. I wondered if that spoiled "innocent" brat knew how filthy the shadow under his feet was. I believed he know about that and wanted to pretend it never happened.
My Yondaime was talented at making evaluations. He helped me a lot in evaluating the risks and benefits I would get from those you-know-what "investments". Then, he picked the right one for me. His calculated perditions were such precise that they often equal to what I really gained from those filthy "investments".
At the end of this war, I managed to pay all my loans. It was such a mercy that I still had a thousand dollar left in the reserve after I paid for the reconstructions of all the damaged facilities in my psychical shell. I cried loudly with a big smile on my face in front of the statues of my Kazekages for a whole day.
I told you everything will be fine.
At the end of the day, my Yondaime whispered his promise next to my ear under rose-red evening glow. He tried to kiss my forehead, he failed. Still, I could feel his smell, his warmth, and his love. I felt like drunken. However, no wine but only tears had touched my lips. It might be the evening glow, it was as red as finest wine.
My Yondaime smiled at me. Then, he went back to his family. The only thing he always failed in evaluating it.
I followed my Yondaime into his home. He knew I love to follow him; and I knew he would never talk to me when he was with his family. He preferred to draw a clear line between job and family. All of the people living in my shell and me respected his decision.
His wife, Karura, was one of my fearful kunochi before she put a wedding ring on Yondaime-to-be Akaiyo's finger literally. I mean it. I witnessed how Karura proposed to my Yondaime-to-be in the Kazekage's Office. And I did not miss her complain about Akaiyo was so slow that she lost all her patience. Sandaime taunted Akaiyo about this proposal until Akaiyo mentioned the possibility he would be a bachelor forever. It was such a good time.
It was the third time for Karura to get pregnant. Still my Yondaime worried about her because no one on earth knew what an unborn jinchuriki would do to his or her mother. He tried to divorce with Karura before he devoted himself to me to protect her from him and me. He miscalculated his wife's braveness, determination and love to him. He got a big slap on the face from his wife, whose sapphire eyes filled with tears.
I sworn to give you happiness, Akaiyo! How dare you run away from me in this way! I will protect your soul forever. Don't you back away from my love in this way!
My fearful Karura screamed at Akaiyo, showing him her strong soul under her small gentle shell. They kissed. His tongue tangled with her tongue. His tears mixed with her tears. His soul fused with her soul. They never talked about divorce again. Even at the last second before he channeled part of Shukaku's wild charka into the child in her womb.
Karura's love is the only sanctuary my Yondaime had. I like to watch him sleep peacefully on her lap, the only place he would not weep when he fell into a deep sleep. I like to listen to their discussion about the name for the new baby, who would be named by her father if she is a girl or his mother if he is a boy. I like to smell the aroma came out from the pot roast Karura made for her husband because I believed it was the smell of love.
My Yondaime's personal life was such wonderful that it made me forget I am a monster until that devastating day. The day Karura had a miscarriage. No one know whether it was caused by Shukaku's charka or not because the amount channeled to the baby was only for decreasing the rejection between the child and Shukaku.
In the room stuffed with Karura's low painful moan, I watched tremendous amount of blood came out of her tiny body in pale. The nurses changed the blood bags hanging on the IV pole again and again. Everyone loosed track on how many volumes of blood were transfused to this tiny woman who sunk in agony. Karura tried to get some strength from her husband's warm hands. My Yondaime tried to channel his life to her through his hands. Nothing happened except she almost crashed her husband's hands.
Forgive me. Karura, forgive me. My Yondaime whispered, subconsciously
No…Everything …will…fine…Karura repeated her husband's lines. She ordered her husband with face as pale as hers: Repeat…the plan…last…night
My Yondaime started to speak in a chocking voice.
We will have a half dozen of kids.
We will separate them into two shinobi cell.
I will lead one cell and you will lead the other.
We will have a scavenger hunt contest in a windless day.
…
It was too painful for my Yondaime to speak anymore.
The room went silent again. Only Karura's dying moans and machine's cold beeps could be heard. These two typed of sounds filled every corners of the room and made every human suffer a nasty chill.
Karura continued her fight with the pain of laboring and death. At last, she delivered her last child. The child was so fragile that everyone in the room believed their breath would crash this little creature. Karura looked at her fragile new born. There were so much love in her sapphire eyes that I believed she tried to transfuse all she was left to her fragile new born.
The life monitor made a series of horrify beeps. The Mother knew she ran out of time.
Before she died, she begged the Father to perform "that jutse". The jutse would enable her to protect her fragile child even she died.
Before she completely turned into quartz sand, she tried to speak to the Father but no sound came out from her lips.
I read her lips. It was:
Forgive me, Akaiyo.
I knew my Yondaime could read lips, too.
The room went silent again. Dead silent except the pallid beeping made by the life monitor. My Yondaime kicked that machine from hell. It exploded into thousands of pieces. Semi-transparent clean white quartz sand whooshed up and shielded the fragile child from flying debris.
My Yondaime stood in the Kazekage's Official for the rest of that long cold devastating night. Right at the spot he was standing when his Karura proposed to him. He stood there for the rest of the night, too sad to cry.
No one dared to talk to him for a month. I did not either.
After that night, my Yondaime limited his clothes into two categories: black or black under Kazekage's uniform. Part of he, the part radiating heat warmer than the sun, died with Karura at that long cold devastating night.
I knew I swallowed a part of my Kazekage again.
I swallowed my Kazekage's sanctuary.
No one would shield my Kazekage from me anymore.
I am a monster. I am always a monster.