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CHAPTER TEN

I don't know where I am. I don't know what time it is. I fell down and passed out sometime last night. I remember running somewhere. I remember not being able to breathe, and not being able to see, and trying not to think. I guess that's why I don't remember. I don't want to.

The only thing I do remember is that I dreamed I was at home again, and that Tails was shining the light in my eye again. Only this time he was trying to tell me that the light was green, 'like a tree deep'n the forest, Sonic!'

I rub my eyes and try to forget that too. I don't need to think about Tails right now. I want to go and see him so badly; I want him to give me the reassurance he always gives me, because heaven knows I need it now. But I can't go back. Not yet. It's too soon.

I sit up reluctantly and discover I've collapsed against a tree somewhere. Everything hurts because I'm just in this random position, and random positions aren't good for you. My head is at a funny angle to the tree trunk, my left knee is sticking out and my other leg is just sitting there, and half of my back is on the ground. Ouch.

I'm covered in caterpillars.

I don't mind caterpillars, but I don't want to squish any, so I carefully pick 'em all off and put them in the grass beside me. Then I stand up slowly. I'm covered in dew. Maybe that was what attracted the caterpillars. I try to brush off the wetness, but I only succeed in making the burn on my hand sting. I look at it. I've broken the blisters somehow. I try to think of how but I can only remember as far back as stumbling out of the casino, and beyond that I don't want to remember.

I know it has something to do with Amy.

I shake myself violently. No looking back. Only moving forward. You tell people that all the time, Sonic, now listen to your own damn advice!

I'm in some forest somewhere. There's a giant frog sitting next to a stream. I decide to go over to the stream and rinse myself off somewhat. Yeah there's the dew, but it's also kinda slimy.

I walk over to the stream and the frog jumps in surprise, croaking, and as it hops away there's a sudden, intense rainstorm. Great. I duck back under the trees, vaguely hoping there'll be no thunder. I wanted to wash myself off, not drown myself.

After a few minutes it goes away and I go stick my hand in the stream. Current's not too bad and I can stick my arm in without getting my elbow wet. I jump in and shiver violently. It's a lot colder than I thought it was.

I spend a couple of minutes wiping the dust from the computer room and the slime from the dew off, and when I'm done that I sit on the bank and let the sun dry me off. It's a really nice feeling, the sensation of water droplets individually melting away on my skin. And the feeling of being gradually warmed by the sun cheers me up a little. I breathe in a little and try to forget the darkness that threatens to overtake my mind, and then I get up and go in search of food. This is a forest after all. There's gotta be something edible.

After a little searching I find some sort of berry bush. It doesn't have any of the leaves or colours that Tails told me are poisonous, so I take a handful and chew on them experimentally. They've got little seeds in them, which I don't really like, but I'm starving and I don't have a lot of options right now. They don't taste too bad at least. I get the random bitter one but hey, it's something.

When I've had enough I go back to the stream and sit down cross-legged in the sand. I strip my gloves off and finally give my burn a good washing. It really hurts but I ignore the pain, set my teeth, and keep at it. I've left it dirty for far too long.

When I'm finished washing it I pull a strip off my sock and wrap it up, then put my gloves back on. Then I pull my knees up to my chest and stare into the water, and wish my mind were that clear. I know I should be looking for the next Emerald now, I know I'm wasting time sitting here, but I just… I just don't know what to do. I already hurt Knuckles and Amy, and I they're two of my best friends. I don't want to hurt anyone else. Anyone else I have to take the Emeralds from might not forgive me. Knuckles will. Amy will. I know, even after what I said and what I did, that they'll forgive me. One of the others? I'm not sure.

My head hurts… is it from the thinking or the concussion? I'm also really tired. I wonder how long I slept after I collapsed. Can't have been too long.

I find myself watching this little piece of grass that's in the stream. It's just swirling back and forth, constantly moving, but not getting anywhere. And underneath it the sand has these little dots in them, scallops I think Tails calls them, and if I look at them real close it feels like I'm looking down at little tiny mountains, like there's a whole 'nother world I don't know about down there.

"Mr Sonic?"

I've shot to my feet and stepped back before I can realize it. Sometimes I'm too fast. I have to blink the little mountains out of my eyes and wrench my mind back to the present.

Cream is standing there looking at me. She's wearing one of those tennis visors and she's holding flowers. Cream's always holding flowers.

"Uh… hi Cream." I have to force myself to sit back down. My heart's still pounding in my chest and the instinct to run away is almost overwhelming. I return to my original position and dig my heels into the ground to try and stop my legs from trembling.

She flops down beside me and puts her flowers in her lap. "You look sad, Mr Sonic. What's wrong?"

"Oh, don't worry about it. It's… I can handle it." I'm trying not to look at her. I try not to lie to little kids, especially not while looking them in the eye.

"Sometimes talking about your problems is very helpful. Sometimes I think I've got a real big problem that I need to fix all by myself, but then momma asks me what's wrong and then I tell her, and she makes everything all right again!" She's beaming up at me, I can see it out of the corner of my eye. I'm trying to catch my reflection in the running water, to see if I really do look as sad as she says I do, but my vision keeps blurring and I can't tell.

I sigh and trace a little circle in the sand with my left index finger. "Well… I guess I can tell you some of it."

Cream smiles even bigger somehow and crosses her legs, settling into her spot.

"I have a big job to do, Cream. And… and most of it, I've gotta do by myself. I can't ask anyone to help me. It's gotta be just me. And my job, it… it just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and I… I don't know if I can see it through." I have to stop talking. There's a lump in my throat and I don't want my voice to crack.

"That sounds hard, Mr Sonic." She tips her head a little, and her brown eyes shine with curiosity. She's twitching her nose a little bit.

I swallow hard, but the lump doesn't go away. "Yeah. It… it is pretty hard. I gotta
keep going but… it ain't easy. I just… sometimes I just wanna give up, you know?"

"Mr Sonic?"

The way her voice sounds, just the pleading hopefulness of it, makes me turn my head and look at her. "What, Cream?"

"You're not going to give up, are you?"

I struggle to keep my eyebrows in a neutral position. Her eyes are so clear, her face is so earnest… I used to look like that. I used to know exactly what to do, exactly what was on my own mind.

"Why d'you ask that?"

Cream looks away from me and fiddles with her flowers. When she speaks again her voice is small, but still sure. "You never give up, Mr Sonic. You always do your best to do what's right. I don't know what it is you're trying to do, but you have to just keep trying, right?"

"Yeah, I guess. Thanks, Cream."

"Please don't thank me, Mr Sonic. I'm just trying to tell you what you taught me!"

I freeze up for a minute, then look at her, brow creased in confusion. "What I taught you?"

She nods, a huge grin on her face, her ears flopping up and down. "Yes! You taught me always to do what's in my heart and to never stop fighting for it, no matter what!"

I look away again, and to my surprise my breaths are shaky. I hope she goes away soon. I need her to go away soon. Please, Cream, please go away soon.

I don't want you to see me cry.

She pokes me in the shoulder.

"What."

"I have something for you… I'm not supposed to give it to you, but I think you should have it." She's pulling at my arm.

"Okay okay, hang on a sec willya?" I yank my arm away from her. "What is it?"

She presents me the blue Chaos Emerald with a smile that outshines even the gem. I'm shocked. Why does Cream have a Chaos Emerald? Who told her not to give it to me?

"My God, Cream… where did you get this?"

She shakes her head playfully. "No telling! I'm not even supposed to give it to you."

I take the Emerald from her and clench it tightly in my fist. It digs into the burn and stings. "Thank you, Cream. I'll take good care of it, I promise."

"I know!" Then all of a sudden she jumps on me and she's wrapping me in a hug, and I'm barely able to catch her in time, I'm so surprised. She smells like baby shampoo and flowers and I have a sudden flashback of Tails jumping on me just like this a long, long time ago, and with a start I realize the memory has brought tears to my eyes. He's gotten so serious lately… I blink them away quickly and hug her back.

She jumps back just as quickly and looks hard at her flowers. She chooses a white one, a magnolia I think, and hands it to me.

"For you." She's still smiling, her brown eyes sparkling in the sun. I take it, my larger fingers brushing her smaller ones, and when I have it she steps back and waves.

"Bye Mr Sonic! Don't give up, okay?"

I can't answer her, I can only nod and wave back. She skips off, and even after a couple of minutes I can hear her singing somewhere not far away. I slump back against a tree and try to keep from crying. I used to be like that. Tails used to be like that. I took both of us and brought us into situations we weren't ready for. I'm not ready to do this. I haven't done enough, haven't seen enough, haven't matured enough. It's breaking me.

I look at the Emerald, spinning it around my fingers, but when I almost drop it I just put it down. If it falls into the stream I'm screwed. I'll never find it if that happens.

I need to get up. I need to keep going. But I can't stop thinking of her. Of the confidence she had in me. How even Cream, even in her innocence, had betrayed someone to give the Emerald to me. She doesn't see it that way. But I do. Just one more person I've made betray their morals or their ideals or whatever.

Would Cream want me to save Eggman? Yes, I realize. She knows that you have to help people, no matter what. Even if you don't like them.

And she learned that from me?

I sniffle a bit and rub at my nose. I think I'm going to cry, just a little. I just need… I don't know what I need. But I'm tired of having all this… this negative stuff inside my head, and I wish I could talk to Tails about it. But he's under enough pressure already. I can't. I have to keep it to myself. I have to stay strong.

But I can't stop the tears from coming into my eyes, so I just bury my head in my arms and stop trying. I'm sorry everyone… please forgive me… I'm doing the right thing, I promise…

When I can stop, I don't feel any better. My mouth is dry and my head is worse, but at least I'm not tearing up anymore. I rub my face with my hand and unfold myself. I feel terrible and I'm going to call it a day and find somewhere to sleep. I think if I shut my brain off for awhile it'll help.

I trudge on through the forest for a long time. I don't feel like running. I just wanna sit down somewhere and disappear. And I would do that, but… there's something inside, and it won't let me quit. I can feel some part of me figuring out what I'm going to do next and I've gotta let it do its job. After a long time I look up and see that I'm outside of a castle. I'm so out of it I didn't realize where I was or how I was getting there. I must be more tired than I thought I was.

Hang Castle is about as welcoming the last time I was there, but I'm not looking for welcoming anyway. I just wanna crash somewhere for a bit. I do a little exploring and find a couple of staircases I don't remember that lead to another floor, and one of the rooms on that floor has a bedroom. Sweet.

I lie down on the bed and close my eyes. As long as I don't sleep for three days I'm okay to crash for awhile.

"Sonic, c'mon an' look an' you'll see, it's purple, please look Sonic!"

"Tails leave me alone! I'm sleeping! Why are you doing this again? Let me sleep!"

"I need you to look, Sonic! It's important!"

"Fine, I'll look!"

I throw off the blanket and scream the words at him so he'll shut up and leave me alone, but I'm screaming them to an empty room. I'm covered in sweat and my heart's pounding away. Great. That's what I need. For that dream to turn into a nightmare.

I take a few deep breaths and then swing my legs over the edge of the bed. Okay. I got the sleep outta the way. Time to get to work. I go to pull out the handheld, but it's not there. I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.

Well that's great. I've gone and dropped the handheld somewhere. I grind my teeth at the thought of the time I'm losing going back to Eggman's base to take a look at Tails's. Well, at least I can drop off my Emeralds while I'm there. Angrily I stride out of the house and start heading back the way I came. This is such a stupid waste of time. Why do I have to be such an idiot?

When I get back to Eggman's base the sun is going back down. I've wasted an entire day. I slept too long. I spent too long sitting in the forest. Of all the times for me to be slow…

"TAILS!"

"Sonic!"

Oh God. He looks so happy to see me. His eyes are all lit up and he's smiling… he's smiling just like Cream was.

"Did you find them all?" He runs up holding some sort of tool that I don't recognize. It's some long thing with grips at one end and some sort of head at the other. His voice is full of energy and for a second I'm angry. Why don't I have any of that?

"No. I lost the handheld. I need to look at yours. How's your… your thingy going?"

"Oh, it's alright." I wish I were as cheerful as he was. "It'll be done by the time you find the Emeralds, I'm sure."

He's sure acting cheerful… but he looks just as tired as I felt a few hours ago. I wonder if I should ask if he's okay, or just leave it alone.

He leads me to the machine and he's showing me it without my paying attention when all of a sudden I hear distant noises. He stops talking and we both look up, panicked. Who could have found us? And why?

The door screams open, tortured gears grinding together like cartilage-free joints. The noises stop just inside the door and I glance over at Tails. His posture sags and his face becomes drawn. A sharp contrast to how he was just seconds ago.

Whoever just walked through that door is not someone we want to see right now.