The framed picture what Jane had handed Maura a few minutes ago was still in Maura's hand. Looking back down at the picture, Maura couldn't help but smile. "That was a great day, wasn't it?" Maura asked, eyes still glued to the picture.
"Yea it was." Jane replied, looking at the picture. Standing up she walked over to the fire place and picked up an envelope, staring at it for a few minutes trying to work out if she should give it to Maura or not. Before she could make up her mind Maura had quietly walked over to her and was currently pulling it out her hands. "Maura..."
"What is this?" Maura asked, turning the envelope around to find 'Maura' written on it in Jane's handwriting.
"I wrote it for you the day I got shot just before I left to go home. I stopped by on my way home. I was going to post it for you, but I wanted it to take a while for you to find. So I used the key you gave me and put it behind that picture." Jane explained, pointed at the picture that Maura had left on the couch.
"Why did you want it to take a while for me to find?"
Jane closed her eyes. She knew how that Maura had the letter in her hands she would have no choice but to let her read it. "The letter will explain everything."
"So, I can read it?"
Jane nodded, but placed her hand over Maura's before she could open it. "Not yet." Still holding onto Maura's hand, Jane walked backed over to the couch, sitting down she pulled Maura down with her. "I had everything I wanted to tell you in my head..." turning to face Maura, Jane laughed, "it's all gone. I can't remember any of it."
"You don't have to tell me tonight."
Jane shook her head to clear her thoughts. "I do. But I need you to ask me everything you want to know."
"Jane, are you really sure you want to do this?" Seeing the look on Jane's face, Maura smiled sweetly. "Jane, I want you to talk to me. Stop thinking that I don't want to hear this."
"You don't. You said so earlier." Jane mumbled.
"Okay. You're right, I don't. But as I said earlier I will listen." Maura leant back against the arm of the couch, crossing her legs in front of her, she passed the picture to Jane. She watched as Jane slowly took the picture and looked at it, smiling. "When did it start?"
Jane put the picture down on the coffee table, she took a deep breath before answering, "Two months after we came back from our honeymoon. Remember the Anderson case? The twelve year old boy who was beaten up and murdered by his eighteen year old brothers friends?" When Maura nodded, Jane continued, "we all put in a lot of overtime during that case, everyone wanted the people reasonable for ending that kids life before it even began." Jane clenched both her hands into a fist.
Maura noticed Jane clenching and unclenching her fists. She knew the sign well, Jane's hands were starting to hurt. Taking Jane's left hand in both of hers, Maura started to give Jane a hand massage.
Smiling, Jane continued, "I didn't go home for nine straight days, I spent the evenings with you, Korsak and Frost at the dirty robber going over everything that we had already gone over a million times. I slept in you're guest room because it was closer than going home, any questions or theories I had you were always here. Plus I didn't want Jason seeing me like that. Robert said he understood. He knew what it was like when you can't get a case out of you're head, that's all I could think about. Getting justice for that little boy."
Maura swapped Jane's hands around and began massaging Jane's right hand.
"Do you remember after we solved the case? We all went to the dirty robber, had a few too many drinks. Korsak put us both in a cab and gave the driver you're address. We laid on you're bed with a bottle of wine. I fell asleep before you even opened the bottle." Jane reminded Maura. "I had phoned Robert earlier that day to tell him I would be home later. I never made it home until after work the following day. I didn't even get to close the front door behind me before he was demanding where the hell I had spent the night."
Maura looked guilty, "he hit you because you spent the night here?" Maura really hoped she had misunderstood what Jane had just told her. When Jane didn't say anything, Maura looked away. "I should have woke you up. You were tired, we had just spent a week and half on solving a murder. I thought you would want a good nights rest. I should have woke you up. I'm so sor..."
"DON'T," Jane shouted. Lowing her voice Jane started again, "don't you dare apologise, Maura. This didn't start because you didn't wake me up that night. He was pissed at me for telling him I would go home that night." Jane explained, placing her index finger under Maura's chin she forced Maura to look at her. "This is NOT you're fault, M. Okay?"
"It's not yours either." Maura mumbled. Suddenly remembering something else that happened the night Robert hit Jane for the first time, Maura shook her head. "You left him?" Jane looked confused. "You left him after her hit you that night." Maura didn't need an answer, she knew she was right by the look Jane was giving her.
"How did you know?" Jane asked.
"Robert called me the next morning to find out if you had stayed with me the previous night. He said you two had an argument and you left. He was hoping you was here." Maura stood up and starting pacing. "Why didn't you come here?"
"I did. All you're lights were off, I knew you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you up. So I went to Ma's." Jane watched Maura pacing. "Okay, Maura. Stop." Jane grabbed Maura's wrist. "You're making me dizzy." Pulling Maura down onto the couch, Jane combed her fingers through her hair.
"You should have woke me up. You should have used you're key." Maura mumbled.
"You gave me that key for emergencies."
"If that wasn't an emergency Jane, I don't know what is." Maura couldn't stop the tears from falling.
Leaning over, Jane wiped the tears off of Maura's cheeks. "Don't cry." At that moment Jane's phone started ringing. "I better get that. It's Frankie." Jane smiled as she leant over to get her phone of the coffee table, turning back to face Maura, she asked, "this will only take a second. You okay?"
"I'm okay." Maura smiled weakly.
Standing up, Jane answered her phone. "Hey Frankie, what's up? Erm...Frankie now is really not a good time...yes sure, tomorrow will be fine...okay, see you tomorrow. Bye." Turning back to face Maura, "Frankie is coming around tomorrow. Is that okay?"
"Of course, Jane. You and you're family are always welcome here. I guess I should have told you that more often." Maura mumbled that last part.
If Jane was a few more centimetres away from Maura, she wouldn't have heard the last part. She guessed Maura wished she hadn't heard it know. "Okay, Maura. Listen to me." Kneeling down in front of Maura, Jane held her hands. "Stop blaming yourself for not knowing what was happening to me. I'm a cop Maura, I know how to hind things from people."
"But...I don't understand why you had to hind it from me."
Jane couldn't help her anger any more. It had been bubbling inside her from the second she learned Jason had died. It was all threatening to show now. "Christ, Maura. What do you want me to do? Do you want to hear how he hit me every time something big or small pissed him off? How he threatened me with knives and my own god damn gun. Do you want to hear what it was like to have to go to the damn hospital because he broke three of my ribs."
"Jane, stop." Maura sobbed. "Please."
Jane didn't hear her. "I had to try and talk him out of thinking I was having an affair everyday. First it was Frost, then Korsak." Jane had to laugh at the thought. "Then it was all of Frankie's mates. After that he finally brought you're name up, and it was you're name every time after that." Stopping only for a few deep breaths, Jane continued, "I had to comfort Jason with a bloody nose when he saw his father hit me. I was the one who told him I would look after him, that I would never let his dad lay one finger on him. I failed that one, Maura." Finally Jane's eyes locked onto Maura's, "Laying there in that kitchen after he shot me, he heard the cars outside. He knew it was you lot. Do you know what the last thing he said to me was, before he shot himself."
Maura took a deep breath and shook her head, "No," she barely whispered.
Sitting down, Jane held onto Maura's hands. All the anger now gone. "He told me that I was going to die in you're arms, Maura. He said that he will die happy now, knowing that he hurt you in the worst possible way, by taking away the person you love the most. ME. Do you know how that made me feel? All I could think about was what it would do to you. I knew you would push everyone away. I remember hoping that by the time you found me...I wou..." Taking a deep breath, Jane wiped the tears off her face. "That by the time you found me I would already be dead. I didn't want you to have to hold me in you're arms while I die. I didn't want to have to put you through that." Jane looked down at their joined hands and gave a gentle squeeze. "I didn't tell you Maura because I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want you to look at me like I was a victim. You look at me with such admiration, I didn't want to lose that."
"Jane, I wouldn't have treated you like a victim. I would you have treated you like my best friend, just like I always treat you. It wouldn't have changed the way I look at you." Maura pulled Jane in for another hug. "And for the record, I would ever have forgave myself if you...di..." Maura couldn't finish the sentence. "If you were on you're own." She hoped Jane knew what she meant.
"I never thought of that. I just didn't want you to see me take my last breath. I didn't want to put you through that." Jane said, placing her head on Maura's shoulder. "I'm tired." She whispered.
"Then let's get you to bed," Maura stood up, and offered her hand to Jane.
"Thanks. Is there anything else you want to know?" Jane asked, taking Maura's hand.
Maura shook her head. "Thank you for talking to me tonight."
"I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"Don't be." Shutting the door behind them, Maura led Jane to her bed. "I'll be back in a few minute, I just need to get washed and changed."
"Don't you want you're bed to yourself tonight?" Jane asked, getting ready to walk back over to the door.
"No. I know you're safe, when you sleep in here. Besides I like to have you close." Maura smiled sweetly and walked into her en suite. Walking out about fifteen minutes later, she saw Jane laying in bed, eyes closed. She looks so peaceful. "Are you asleep?"
"Medicating," Jane mumbled. Turning on her side she opened her eyes and watched as Maura climbed into bed. "I'm sorry I never told you."
"It's okay. Just get some sleep." Maura yawned and closed her eyes. Smiling when she felt Jane wrap her arm around Maura's waist and pull her closer.
"You can read the letter when you're ready." Jane said, resting her head on Maura's shoulder.
Maura jumped out of bed before Jane even knew what was happening. "What are you doing Maura?"
"Getting the letter. I'll be back in a minute." Maura ran out of the bedroom. She had been wanting to know what was in that letter since she took it out of Jane's hands. Walking back into the room she noticed Jane looked nervous. Slipping back into bed, she waited for Jane to wrap her arm around her again. She didn't have to wait long.
"I'm going to sleep." Jane mumbled. "Night Maur," Jane placed a soft kiss to Maura's neck.
Maura had to work hard to stop the moan that was threatening to escape. She swallowed a few times, before saying, "Goodnight Jane." She turned her head slightly and kissed the top off Jane's head.
"Do you want me to move so you can sit up to read that?" Jane asked sleepily.
Maura thought about it for a few seconds before she put the letter on her bedside cabinet, unread. "No." Maura whispered. "I'll read it in the morning. Get some rest."
…
Maura woke up at 5:45 the following morning. Untangling herself from Jane's hold, she went for a shower. Exiting the en suite at 6:30, Maura knew Jane wouldn't wake up any time soon. Picking up the letter from her bedside cabinet, Maura left the bedroom. "Morning Bass, morning Jo. Do you want to go for a walk? Alright Jo, ssshh. You'll wake Jane." Maura laughed at Jo who was currently running circles around her feet. After petting Bass, Maura got Jo's lead out of the cupboard. Locking the door behind her, Maura's mind kept returning to the letter.
Maura returned at 6:50, after making a fresh pot of coffee, Maura sat at the kitchen table. Placing the letter in front of her, she sat looking at it for what felt hours, but was in fact only a few minutes. Picking it up, Maura unfolded it. Taking a deep breath,Maura started reading:
Dear Maura,
First of all I need to tell you how sorry I am for doing this to you. For leaving without an explanation. You deserve more than that. I don't want you to hate me for this, but I do need you to at least try and understand why I had no choice but to run. I had to run to survive.
I need to tell you something that I should have told you a hell of a long time ago. Robert beat me up. Not once, not twice but it got to the point that it happened every few days. If I hadn't gone now I would ever have got out of that marriage alive. I needed to get out, for me and for Jason. He deserves better than seeing me getting beat up everyday. He needs a proper home, somewhere where he knows he is safe. Somewhere where he doesn't have to see his father hitting me. I am doing this for him. He is the only one who I am thinking about. I don't want him anywhere near his father. I have no choice. Me and Jason have to run.
Don't blame yourself for me not telling you. You were there for me Maura, like you promised you always would be. Maybe not in the way you meant it, but it was enough. It was more than enough. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did everything you could have done. I didn't tell you for a reason, it might seem daft now. But he told me if I ever told anyone he would kill them in front of me then kill me. I didn't want to put you in danger. He meant what he said Maura. No way in hell was I ever going to put you in that kind of danger.
I know what you're thinking; She's a cop, why didn't she arrest him. I know the law Maura, sometimes it doesn't work out for the victim. Nowhere does it say that he would have gone to prison. The case could have been thrown out before it even began. Then what would I have done.
You're second thought; You had a gun Jane, why didn't you use it. Again I know the law, I could have gone down for that. Plus I didn't, no that's wrong, I couldn't do that to Jason, no matter how fucking much I hate his father.
Before you say it, I know. LANGUAGE! I'm sorry. Laugh Maura, go on, I know you're dying to.
You finished laughing yet? Good. You know you're cute when you laugh. I'll miss not seeing you smile and I will definitely miss you looking cute when you're laughing.
By the time you find this letter, you should know that I have gone. I can't tell you where we are going, not because I don't trust you, but because I know you will come and find us the second the know. I don't want you in any danger.
I need you to do me a favour. I want you to call Korsak and Frost and tell them to stop trying to find us. I've covered my tracks the best I can. But I know how good they both are. It won't take them long until they find us. And if they already have I know they wouldn't come to me themselves, they would give the address to you. If you already have it, I'm asking you as my best friend please don't come. Promise me, Maura. Please, promise me you won't come to us. I can't hear you asking me to come back Maura. Because if you asked, I would. I would do anything for you.
I know Robert will have been on you're back, wanting to know where we are. Don't worry about it. He will know you are telling the truth when you don't hyperventilate. I'm sorry to have to put you through this.
You will see me again, Maura. I promise you that. I will get in touch with you. But I need you to be patience with me. This isn't a goodbye. Erm, well I guess it kinda is. Okay I will reword that; this isn't a forever goodbye. I will come back Maura. I PROMISE.
Alright, I have pretty much told you everything, but I do need to tell you something else. Something I have no right to tell you, but it is something you should be aware off. I never meant to fall in love with Robert, it just sort of happened. I never imagined my life with someone like him. Hell I never imagined my life with someone at all. My work was enough for me. What I'm trying to say is that once I met you and I got to know you, YOU were the one I started to imagine my life with. Don't get me wrong, I loved Robert, I really did, but he was never the one.
I should have told you ages ago. Maybe if I did, everything would be different now. I would like to think that you would be coming with us. That me telling you I love you more than a best friend, would only push us closer together. I would love to think that you felt the same way. If I could stay Maura, I would.
Don't let this destroy you. Carry on being a fantastic Medical Examiner. Don't push away the people who care about you. If you find the right person for you Maura, hold on to them and never let them go. I hope you find the one person that makes you're heart flutter, the one person who can make you feel like you have butterflies in you're stomach every time you look at them. But most of all, I hope that you find someone who treats you with love and respect. You deserve to be treated like a princess, don't settle for any less. You deserve the best.
I need to ask you one more favour. Can you look after my Ma for me? I know she is a handful but me leaving like this will devastate her. She loves you, you're the other daughter she never had. Don't push each other away.
Make sure Korsak and Frost look after you at work. Don't take any crap from them, okay babe? Take care of yourself Maura. I will see you again. Somehow. Somewhere.
I'm in love with you Maura. Hell its always been you. It feels good to be able to say that. I love you.
Goodbye Maura.
All my love,
Jane xxx
…
Jane woke up to an empty bed. Climbing out she made he way to the en suite before going in search of Maura. She found Maura sitting at the table in the kitchen, with paper in front of her. Jane knew straight away that it was the letter. Leaning against the door frame Jane waited for Maura to finish it. She didn't want to interrupt her. She heard Maura sniffing and knew she was crying. Why did I have to give that to her.
"Oh Jane," Maura sobbed after she finished reading. Sensing she was being watched she looked up to find Jane leaning against the door frame, still in her Pyjama's and with one of Maura's dressing gowns wrapped around her. "Jane..."