filius est pars patris
"Mommy?" Her son's tentative voice comes quiet into the stillness of the early morning, the hot wash of his breath against her cheek and his body so warm and wriggly in the bed next to her.
Immediately awake, Kate rolls over and splays her palm at Alexander's spine, drags him in close so she can get both arms around him. "Hey sweet boy. You okay?"
Stifling a yawn, she buries her nose in the thickness of her little boy's curls and breathes in the scent of him, apple shampoo and sunshine and a little sleep-sweat too. She can't remember the last time she got a truly good night's sleep.
The thing is. . .it's only her. Sure, Martha's here, but even if Alexander's grandmother does get up with him, she only has to wake Kate anyway. The boy is only ever soothed by his mother's embrace. So Beckett sleeps shallowly, always half-listening for the cries of her child.
"I'm a bit sad." Her son is saying into the crease of her neck, and when she peels back to look at him his face is drawn, his bottom lip protruding.
Brushing her thumb over it, Kate scatters kisses across his cheeks until she gets the spill of giggles from him and he squirms, presses tiny hands to his cheeks. The headboard is padded, comfortable against her back when she leans against it and cradles her son in her lap, rocking him like a newborn until he starfishes and flops around in mirth.
"Why are you sad, baby?"
He stills at that, pushes his hair back off of his forehead with both hands and reaches up to curl his fingers in the neckline of her sleep shirt. "It's daddy's day. And I don't have one."
Curling an arm underneath her son, Kate scoops him up and clutches him tight to her chest. This week has been tough on him, she knows. At preschool they've been making father's day cards and casting their handprints in clay and writing poems entitled My Daddy and Me. All exactly the sort of thing Rick would have adored, showed off to anyone who would listen. She can almost hear him now, voice thick with pride. My son made this for me.
Obviously, AJ's preschool teacher is conscious of the situation. He was allowed to double up on everything, make two cards and two sets of handprints and write two poems. One for Tío and one for Uncle Kevin. Kate is so unspeakably grateful for how her boys at the precinct have stepped up, each of them acting as a surrogate father for Kate's son.
It's not the same, but just having someone who can rough around in the park with him or take him to see the latest space ninja movie has been a blessing. Even so, it's hard on her little boy. There have been tears and tantrums when his classmates have gone on adventures with their fathers.
More than once, he's told her he wishes he had a daddy instead of her. It stings, of course it does, but she knows he doesn't really mean it. That it's just the hurt talking.
"Do you remember our plan for today?"
"Uh-huh." He whimpers, scrubbing his face against her shirt and Kate cups his shoulders, holding him away from her body a moment so she can press a kiss to the end of his nose. She won't let him get maudlin. They've talked about it, about how today is different for them than most families but that it can still be good.
Rick is not a spectre, not a ghost. He's a presence in their lives. Kate tells stories of him to their son like fairy tales, Alexander falling asleep in her arms to the quiet wash of words as she describes his daddy's strength, his heart and passion and the fun he infused her life with. She won't let Castle's memory be forgotten.
"We'll go see Daddy's grave and lay some flowers. You can tell him all those stories you wrote down." AJ keeps a list tacked to the refrigerator of all the things he wants to tell his father the next time they visit Castle's grave.
The two of them sit in front of the headstone together, Alexander alternately curled in her lap or steadfast and cross-legged at her side, and he spins a tale the way his daddy used to.
"What after that, Mommy?"
Kate cards a hand through her son's hair, kisses his cheek again. "We're going to see Papa for lunch, remember?"
"I can get a milkshake?" AJ perks up considerably at that prospect, grinning wide and giggling into the cup of his palms when he gets a nod of affirmation from his mother.
Slipping down in the sheets, Kate lets her son arrange himself to get comfortable. He ends up sprawled over her stomach and Kate smoothes her palm up and down his back, relishing the warm weight of him. "And this afternoon your sister has a surprise for you."
Alexis wants to take her brother to the aquarium. Sometimes, although it shames her to admit it, Kate forgets that Alexander is not the only one without a father. So even though it hurts to be apart from him, she knows that Alexis needs it too.
AJ is so very much like Rick that being around him is almost like having Castle back. So she can let Alexis have all the time with him she needs. It'll be good, too, to have time with Martha this afternoon.
Ostensibly to plan for AJ's birthday next month but also yes, because Castle's mother lost her son that day and Kate cannot imagine the depth of that grief. If she were to lose Alexander. . .
Unthinkable. So she does her best to be a daughter for Martha. Rick's mother is wonderful with AJ, too, often has to take care of him in the afternoons and at weekends if Kate can't get away from the precinct. A part of her had considered quitting, the risk of making her son an orphan too large to seem worth it.
It was Martha who persuaded her that she needed her precinct family, needed her job and that Castle would never have wanted her to stop being a detective.
"Mommy, are you sad too?" Her son asks, propping his chin in his hand. His elbow digs into her ribcage and she grunts, knocks him to sprawl on the mattress and blows a raspberry in the crease of his neck.
Kate rests her head at her son's chest, listens to the thunder of his heart and stifles a grin when he brings his hands up to pet her in much the same way she does to him. "Yes. It's okay to be a little bit sad, sweet boy. It's okay to miss Daddy."
"Can we have breakfast now?"
"Yeah." Kate laughs, sitting up and hooking her hands underneath her son's arms to swing him out of bed and to the floor. "Go ahead, I'm right behind you."
Alexander charges for the doorway and the living space beyond, socked feet skidding on the hardwood. Taking a moment in front of the mirror, Kate slips her engagement ring off of the chain she usually wears it on and settles it on her finger instead.
The weight of it always takes a moment to get used to, throws her off at first. But it's good. Raking her hands through her hair, Kate meets the eyes of the woman in the mirror and nods, stepping into her slippers and heading for the kitchen and the noises of her son.
Alexander has had a wonderful day.
Even though he's been a little bit sad, he's still had a good time with the people he loves most. Gram and Papa and Alexis and Mommy. Oh, his Mommy, who makes him feel okay being sad. Who tells him all about Daddy and how proud he would be.
Mommy's cuddles are the best in the whole world, and now he gets to be curled up inside the blanket with her while they watch a movie. Alexis and Gram are here too. They came for dinner and now they're still here and Mommy said that Alexis will stay until he falls asleep.
Today, he got to go talk to Daddy. AJ told him all about the pet dragon that his preschool class is taking care of, and how he went to the zoo with Mommy and saw a big big snake and she said maybe when he's a big boy he could get a pet snake or a dragon or something super cool.
When he was done telling Daddy all of his stories, he and Mommy went for lunch with Papa. He got to have milkshake – oh, so cold – and Mommy even let him dip his French fries into it. He ate up all his burger and he didn't even make a mess on his cool new Batman shirt with the tomato sauce.
Then later, at the aquarium, AJ and Alexis got to watch the sharks get fed. It was so so cool, to see their so-big mouths open up all wide and Alexis tickled his sides and said better be careful, AJ, he could eat you all up. And he wasn't even scared at all. Daddy would be proud of him.
Now he's really tired, though. He wants to stay awake to watch the movie because he's nearly five and he's a big boy, but his eyes are heavy and Mommy is warm and smells good. And he knows it's okay to close his eyes now. Mommy keeps him safe, shows him how to make the sad go away.
He loves Daddy, and he would like it if he could have Daddy to play games with and tell him stories, but Mommy is the best.
"Alexander." She says, her voice all soft and nice. Her arms are so tight around him and he blinks his eyes open, looks up at her. "I love you, baby."
"I love you too, Mommy." He yawns.
Mommy stands up from the couch with him in her arms, carries him over first to Gram (her kiss is powdery and smells funny like her makeup) and then to Alexis who smells like vanilla and always kisses the same place on his forehead.
Then he feels the strange bumpiness of Mommy going up the stairs, his eyes screwed tight and his body all funny and heavy. He knows when they get to his room because it goes a bit darker behind his eyelids and then he feels his mattress underneath him, Mommy dragging the sheets up and tucking him in.
She always makes sure he has his teddy close by, and then she strokes his cheek and leans in to kiss him again. "I love you so much, baby. Even when I'm sad and I miss Daddy, you still make me so happy."
He's asleep before he hears Mommy leave.