A/N: Again, thank you all for the wonderful reviews. It kind of blows my mind that you would take the time out of your day to click on a link and leave these encouraging words for me. From the bottom of my heart… thank you.

I do feel the need to warn you guys, though: there is mention of some extreme violence in this chapter. I don't go into detail about it, mostly because I don't feel it would bring anything to the story (except maybe shock value, which I despise), but also because I'm really sensitive to this stuff myself. It probably won't be a huge deal to some (most?) of you, but I wouldn't feel right to mentioning it.

FYI – this is the second to last chapter before the epilogue!

March

"Hey, Em," Toby greeted as he picked up his phone.

"Hey." She sniffled, and he wondered if she was getting a cold or if it was something more. "I… I just wanted to see how Spencer was doing today…"

His eyes reflexively sought out his girlfriend, who had fallen into a deep, troubled sleep on the couch a while before. She often slipped into a world of slumber when she had days like this. It was as if her body knew it was a way to escape the turmoil that was raging through her mind, and just completely shut down.

"Not great." Toby sighed heavily. "Today's one of her difficult days. I had to cancel on Jason this morning."

Ever since the incident with her mother a few months prior, Toby had given up trying to go to work on the days when she woke up downcast and frightened. When she followed him around the loft in zombie-mode, refusing eye contact but clinging to his hand like a lost child. Books didn't interest her on these days; neither did watching TV. The only thing she would allow was the serene rumble of his baritone as he read to her – Dostoyevsky or Catcher in the Rye or something equally familiar. He doubted she even listened very much to the meaning of the words, but the sound of his voice could usually soothe her enough to lull her to sleep.

He knew by now that there was nothing he could do to snap her out of this daze. He just had stay close to her, try not to make any loud noises or sudden movements, and wait for tomorrow to be better.

"Yeah, well…" Emily sniffled again. "That's to be expected, I guess."

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line. "Oh…" Emily said in a hushed voice. "I guess you don't know…"

"Don't know what?" He was genuinely confused. Was he missing something?

"Toby…" She took a deep breath, trying to get her voice under control. "Today's Aria's birthday."

Silence echoed through the loft. Toby's eyes once again went to his sleeping girlfriend, and they stayed there before several seconds after the numbness wore off.

"Oh God…" He leaned against the kitchen counter in defeat. "I had no idea."

He heard a squeak on the other end of the line, and he knew she was crying. "How are you holding up?" he asked helplessly.

She took a slow, deep breath, attempting to get herself under control long enough to answer his question. "It's hard. I didn't go to class today. Neither did Hanna."

He nodded despondently, even though he knew she couldn't see him.

"Does… does Spencer ever talk about her?"

Toby sighed, setting himself down at the kitchen counter with the strength of an old man. "Not really. It's too soon for her, I think. She can't even look at pictures of her. It's just… it's too soon."

"What about…" Emily hesitated. "what happened? Has she talked about that?"

"Not a word." His fingers picked at a course spot on the table, craving the distraction.

Only Spencer knew exactly what had gone down in that cabin eight months ago. Alison had managed to escape before things got really ugly, and the other two were dead.

She refused to relive it long enough to talk about it – not with him, not with her friends and not with Dr. Sullivan – but the police had managed to piece together most of the facts from the crime scene and the autopsy reports. Aria's mangled body had spoken for itself. How she had been stabbed repeatedly, raped and eventually shot in the face before her aggressor turned the gun on himself.

Spencer had been there for the whole thing, watching powerlessly as these horrors unfolded in front of her very eyes. She had been gagged with her wrists tied to a pillar in the middle of the room. Toby knew she had never really made it out either. Part of her would always be stuck in that cabin on a harrowing summer night.

"It's still hard for Hanna and me…" Emily said hesitantly, not sure if she was allowed to complain when she had got off so easy. "It's hard that… we weren't there."

It dawned on him what she was getting at, and he felt his heart swell with sympathy and understanding. Emily and Hanna had been back in Rosewood, unsuspecting, while Spencer and Aria went through hell at the cabin. They had followed up on some lead that went nowhere; Toby didn't know the details. But he did know that every day for the rest of their lives, the two girls would have to live with themselves knowing that while their best friends were being tortured and maimed – one physically, the other emotionally – they had gone to bed, safe and warm and oblivious.

"It's not your fault, Em," Toby offered, hating how his words fell flat. He knew it wasn't something they would ever get over. They would always feel like they should have been in that cabin as well, almost like they belonged there, like the four of them were one person. The sting of having let the other two take the brunt for all of them – even if they'd had no idea it was happening at the time – was something they would have to endure for the rest of their lives. That was how the world worked. The innocent felt guilty, and the guilty only felt powerful.

Toby sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. He was no stranger to similar feelings of culpability. Sometimes he still couldn't look at Spencer without feeling bogged down by it. But it was different. He had spent that whole night in his truck, trying to escape his own feeling of restlessness as he checked every place he'd ever heard her mention in regards to the infamous terror organization known as "A". His unanswered phone calls had left him uneasy, and when her car was neither in her driveway nor in any of the girls', he had known deep down in his gut that something was terribly wrong.

He would never forgive himself for not finding her, even if rationally he knew it was impossible to locate a cabin he didn't even know existed. But at least he couldn't blame himself for not trying. He had driven until the sun came up the next day, until his phone went off and his world fell to pieces.

"I got a postcard from Ali," Emily changed the subject. "No return address."

Toby clenched his fists. That girl had some nerve. In all truthfulness it was a good thing no one knew her whereabouts. If he ever found out where he was hiding, he didn't trust himself not to track her down and strangle her with his own bare hands.

He supposed no one could really fault her for escaping when she had the chance. He'd selfishly wished on multiple occasions that Spencer had made the same choice, but she had stayed. She'd demonstrated loyalty and bravery beyond anything even he had thought her capable of, and it had taken a piece out of her that in all likelihood she would never get back.

It was only after Alison had fled that she'd done the unthinkable. That she'd committed he ultimate act of betrayal and selfishness. She had jumped on a bus to God knows where, and it was only after she put a fair distance between herself and the unspeakable things going down in that cabin that she called the authorities from a pay phone in Bucks County. By the time the police barged into the cabin, Spencer was the only one still breathing. Broken and damaged forever, but alive.

"I should go," Emily said quietly, bringing him back from awful memories of rushing to the hospital and finding Spencer in a catatonic state. Feeling torn between incomprehensive rage at the trials she'd had to endure, and overwhelming relief that she was still here.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked, his voice equally soft.

Emily sighed. "This is our life now, Toby. It's not about being okay. It's about trying to make it through one day at a time and hoping that someday it will hurt just a little bit less."

His eyes stung at the truth of her words. "Take care of yourself, Emily."

He sat there for a long time after he hung up the phone, staring off into space and barely moving. Finally, he slowly made his way over the couch and looked down at Spencer's sleeping form. It haunted him to no end to think about how close had come to losing her. How if things had been just a little bit different, his life would have been over.

He ran a hand over her hair and bent over to brush his lips against her temple. Then he grabbed his book and settled into a nearby chair, where he would stay until she woke up.

April

Spring finally came to Rosewood in early April. Cloudy skies and a chilly wind were replaced with sun and warmth and people sitting happily outside at the tables at the Brew.

Toby and Spencer rarely did that anymore. Not only was it sensory overload for Spencer, there was also always a big chance of running into people they would rather avoid. Old classmates and teammates. Teachers. Church members. People with pity in their eyes, who never knew what to say or if they should say anything at all.

Instead, they took coffee and sandwiches to go, and headed up to their favorite spot in the woods of Rosewood. It was quiet up there, and it could make Spencer smile on most days. Today she was dressed in a navy blue dress, a brown belt and her brown equestrian boots. Toby admired the sunlight on her face, making her as lazy and relaxed as she would get. They had finished their meal some time ago, and now they just sat there together, her between his legs and leaning back against his chest.

Toby craned his neck a little to get a better look at the expression on her face. On the surface she looked quite calm, but he knew her better than that. Her demons may be in hibernation for now, but he could practically see the wheels in her brain turning round and round. She was definitely mulling something over.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he murmured in her ear.

Her dark head turned slightly in the direction of his voice, so he knew she'd heard him even when it took her a while to answer.

"I'm bored, Toby."

"Okay," he said without hesitation, "We could take a walk, or just head back home or…?"

"No." She smiled, an amused twinkle lighting up the dullness in her eyes. "I meant in general."

He looked at her quizzically.

"I want to do more than sit around and read novels all day. I want more challenge. I want… I want to go to college."

She had turned around to face him full on now, and his eyes studied her closely. He wanted to rejoice the fact that she was starting to want things from life again, but on the other hand he was terrified that she wanted more than she could handle, and in the end it would set her back instead of help her forward.

"I've realized that… I actually like learning," she went on. "I never knew that about myself. It was never about wanting knowledge before. It was about feeling inferior without it."

She fell silent, and he realized she was waiting for his reaction. He considered his words carefully, well aware that he was treading water.

"I would love for you to explore that part of you," he began slowly, "But Spence… I just don't know if…" He struggled for a way to be gentle, wanting to avoid hurting her feelings at any cost. He didn't want to come across like he didn't believe in her, but how would she cope with going to class when she was still terrified of going to the grocery store because there were too many people? Any sight or noise or smell could cause her to stumble into an episode even on her best days, and a college campus would undoubtedly be crawling with things that could set her off.

She seemed to grasp what he was getting at and lowered her eyes. "Well, I wouldn't actually go to college. Physically, I mean. They have online classes now. You can take exams and everything. Even inmates are graduating college this way."

"It's not that I don't think you could do it," he said anxiously, tilting her chin so her eyes met his again. "I'd just worry about you so much…"

"Toby…" She smiled slightly, but it was the kind of smile that made his guts twist. "You don't have to be so nice about it. We both know I'm no shape to…"

Her sentence died prematurely, and he sighed and reached out to link their fingers together.

"I just want what's best for you," he said heavily.

"I know."

She leaned her forehead against his for a brief instant, letting him know she wasn't upset with him in any way.

"We should probably talk it over with Dr. Sullivan first," he spoke after a moment of silence, "but I think it's a great idea."

"You do?" She seemed surprised and somewhat… delighted? Was that delight he heard her voice?

"Uh huh," he confirmed. "But just… promise me you won't let it stress you out too much. I don't care how many classes you take, or how high your GPA is. You'll always be my number one. Got it?"

He had barely finished talking before she pressed her lips against his, cupping his face in her hands.

"I love you," she whispered, and his heart gave a small, silly flutter.