I could feel the glare Bondie was giving me. Sorry Lissa, but sucking up to your brother is more important than sucking up to you right now. I'll just have to deal with your revenge when it comes.
My betrayal was enough to quell Lissa's resistance to our itinerary, and with no further objections we took the north road towards Ylisstol. Once the town was out of sight, Freddy decided to remind Prince Charming of something.
"Lord Chrom, you decreed Robin was to journey with us unarmed, did you not?"
You asshole. At least my hero knows better.
"Frederick, Robin has risked her life to save Ylissean citizens. She nearly died protecting Lissa. We can trust her."
Oh Chrom, you're the sweetest naïve and gullible fool I know.
"And what of Marth, milord?"
"Marth recanted his quarrel with Robin, and also risked his life protecting Ylisse. I am sure he has his own reasons for leaving."
I wish you weren't so stupid Chrom. Please, someone tell Chrom Marth isn't going to give up that easily. I would, but that would sound cowardly and petty. C'mon Lissa, you owe me. Saving your life (sorta) is worth way more than making you sleep outside one night.
And as luck would have it, Blondie piped up.
"I dunno Chrom, he seemed pretty convinced Robin is one of the bad guys. Do you really think he traveled back in time to give up just like that?"
Thankyouthankyouthankyou Lissa. I almost feel bad about putting your life in danger so I could impress your brother.
"If Marth insists on pursuing his feud with Robin, we will intervene. Until then, we will take him at his word that the matter is settled." Chrom, buddy, it's really hard to obsess over you when you endanger me like I endanger your sister. But Chrom had decided, and that was that.
Still, a still-breathing Marth notwithstanding, I didn't have much to complain weather was pleasant, the road was fair, and we should have quite a few hours of sunlight. I had had the sense to liberate some fruit from Southtown before we left. Lissa accepted an apple as an apology for me not taking her side in the earlier discussion about leaving for Ylissetol. She also made a very disapproving face when Chrom bit into his orange, perhaps she is more of a lemon-lime fan? Blue's enthusiasm for my pilfered spoils even shut up Frederick, who was just about to delve into a lecture on why taking a few pieces of fruit from the villagers we saved was wrong, but it would have been fine to eat ten times as much food at the feast they wanted to hold for us. Not quite wrong enough for him to refuse a banana, of course. Which left me with a pear to eat.
The fruit will not last long. If I cannot find something new to keep my mind occupied, it will wander to indecent thoughts of Chrom. And then I will probably blurt one of them out without thinking, and Chrom won't get it because he's an oblivious idiot but everyone else will and they won't tell him and I won't be able to and it'll be one giant and awkward joke I won't be able to tell Chrom so I'll have to avoid him and he'll fall in love with one of his childhood friends that he didn't think of as a girl until two weeks ago and I'll be stuck with some creepy stalker that collects bat wings and eats eel pie.
Thank you fruit.
"So Chrom, what's that on your shoulder?" Please, you irresistible fool, I'm not talking about your pauldron.
"I was wondering when you were going to ask about that. It's my Brand. It proves that I am a descendant of the Hero-King Marth and a member of House Ylisse."
Didn't Chrom say something about a Brand when talking to Pretend Marth earlier? And if Lissa is his sister, where is her Brand? Would it be rude to ask if she isn't displaying it like Chrom? Better not chase that line of questioning right now.
"Could you tell me a bit more about Marth? Why would our friend from the future decide to impersonate him?"
"Three thousand years ago, Marth was a prince of the Kingdom of Akaneia. Naga, the Divine Dragon, forged Falchion from one of her own fangs so that Marth could use it to defeat the Dark Dragon Medeus. Medeus was resurrected several years after his first defeat, but Marth defeated him a second time. Since then, the blade has been passed down to Marth's descendents, but only those it deems worthy may wield it. Many evils have fallen to Falchion over the years."
I asked about Marth, not your sword. Time for a new topic. "So, Plegia and Ylisse. What's the deal?"
Chrom winced slightly at hearing the word "Plegia". "Plegia is Ylisse's Western neighbor. Just as Ylisse reveres the Divine Dragon Naga, Plegia worships her rival Grima, the Fell Dragon. Grima was sealed away by the first Exalt of Ylisse a thousand years ago, but not slain. Rumors abound of efforts by Grima's cultists to revive him, but thus far none have succeeded. 15 years ago, our father fought a terrible war with Plegia to eradicate Grima's faithful once and for all. But the war dragged on, and atrocities were committed by both sides as more and more lives were thrown away in a conflict that would leave no victor. The war ended when our father died, but resentment lingers on both sides" Chrom finished with a sigh.
"Our father" must mean his and Lissa's father, who sure sounds like the previous Exalt. "And you believe these bandits were connected to Plegia?"
Frederick decided to field this question. "Yes. They spoke with Plegian accents and marched from the West. Nor are they the first band to exhibit these traits."
"And such consistency is highly suspicious for bandits." I chipped in. Frederick nodded. Now it's coming together. Plegia organizes raiding parties to attack Ylisse. The lack of any formal connection to the Plegian crown affords Plegia plausible deniability, but Ylisse has to do something if only to protect their border towns from the raiders. Any such action undertaken by the Ylissean crown would be easy for the Plegians to claim as hostile activity. The obvious goal for Plegia would be to goad Ylisse into a war while claiming the moral high ground. Quite the cucumber for the current Exalt, whoever he is. But that begs the question: if bandit raids are such a consistent threat, who is supposed to fight them? Surely they aren't relying on Chrom, his sister, and their nanny to be in the area? I need to ask, but more tactfully than that.
"So Lissa" I began, hoping that bringing her into the conversation would loosen her tongue on matters I actually care about and not her stupid knock-knock jokes, "Was this your first time fighting bandits?"
Blondie perked up a little at being asked. "Nope! I've been on patrols with Chrom and Frederick and the other Shepherds for months now, since the trouble with the bandits from Plegia started. But usually there's more of us, and it usually isn't this exciting."
Other shepherds? One of them used that word before, I think. Doesn't sound like much of a standing military or knightly order. "How many shepherds are there?"
"Oh, close to a dozen of us. We're stretched really thin trying to protect everyone. But having you with us will change everything!"
Oh gods. She just said so much I did not want to hear with so few words. These idiots are trying to protect their entire border with less than 12 people? Whoever is in charge of that deserves to be pushed off a cliff. And Blondie thinks I, the amnesiac from gods-know-where, can make the difference?
That's it, you win Plegia. Go ahead and summon Grima and usher in a thousand years of darkness. These people can't stop you.
"Surely you are not the only ones combating the bandits?" Please tell me I am wrong. Anyone, tell me I am wrong. Even you, Freddy.
Fortunately, Chrom answered in his melodious voice, instead of his babysitter. "We are not the only ones, of course. The pegasus knights and the royal guard are active as well, but they have other duties to attend to as well. The local lords maintain their own retainers and household troops, but they rarely send their forces far from their own holdings. Larger and richer settlements can hire mercenaries or organize their own militias, but again they are mostly concerned with local troubles. The smaller border villages, like Southtown, are mostly on their own without us." Chrom ended his answer with a frustrated look on his face.
At least he is astute enough to realize this defensive strategy is moronic. And that confirms Ylisse does not have a standing military, which seems like a rather severe problem for a nation with a hostile neighbor. Not nearly as bad as Lissa made their situation sound, thankfully.
It was finally getting dark, and we decided to make camp before continuing to Ylissetol. Once our campfire was going, Freddy declared he was going to hunt for some dinner. I volunteered to tag along, both because I was very, very hungry and because I wanted a chance to ask Freddy some questions away from the nobles. The big guy was rightfully suspicious of my offer, but did not object. He was probably just happy to have me away from his charges.
We walked from the campsite in silence until the brats were out of earshot. "One horse, Frederick?"
His face shifted from stoic to resigned. He knew exactly what I was getting at. "Milord and milady prefer to walk."
"No doubt the fine people of Southtown can rest in peace, knowing they died for the convenience of the royal brats." That didn't come out right. I really need to watch what I say.
Frederick gave me a well-deserved glare. "It is Lord Chrom's duty to protect the realm, and he does so as he sees fit" Frederick replied stiffly.
"How long were you going to wait before telling Chrom the realm needed protecting today?"
"Lord Chrom did not need to be distracted from deciding your fate."
"I imagine he would disagree."
"You know he would. It is my duty to protect him above all else, from his own good nature if need be."
Hiding behind duty. I'm going to stop now, because there is nothing I could say that would not make Freddy hate me more than he does now.
Our conversation over, we took to the task of finding something to kill and devour. Frederick eventually found a cave he was certain a bear was sleeping in, but said we wouldn't be able to get close without waking it, which would be dangerous. I don't know what a bear is, but if Fred thinks we can kill it then it probably isn't lightning-proof.
"Stand back Freddy Bear. I've got a plan." Oooohh, that's a good nickname for Frederick. Grabbing my sword and tome, I stepped in front of the cave entrance and started slinging lightning bolts. Frederick tried to shout over the magic about what a brilliant plan this was – probably – but I wasn't listening. Fred and the magic were both drowned out by a loud and terrible roar from the within cave. Out of the darkness charged a very large, very scarred, and slightly charred four-legged animal with brown fur, a gaping maw lined with massive teeth, and claws sharp as steel.
More lightning.
Arcane electricity scourged the beast, but it just kept coming. Unfortunately, I didn't have a backup plan. I put everything I had into electrocuting the monster. My tome was quickly running out of juice, and I was about to throw the damn book at it and hope for the best, until the bear finally expired no more than two steps in front of me. Perhaps Freddy Bear was right to be cautious.
"Thanks for the help" I managed to say between breaths. That was more tiring than I expected.
"You said to stand back. Far be it from me to second-guess the Shepherds' master strategist." Frederick wasn't smiling as he said this. You're supposed to smile when you tell a joke Fred. You-you're not being serious, are you? Whatever, I'll worry about what you said after I've eaten.
"I killed it. You get to carry it."
"Don't be daft. This bear must be 400 pounds! Watch it while I get my horse." We're getting along better than I expected after our pre-bear conversation.
It was good that I didn't need to do anything for a bit, because I was so exhausted I could barely stand. Once Frederick returned we tied a rope around the bear and used the horse to drag it back to camp. I curled up with the most comfortable rock I could find and passed out. I killed the furry demon, the others can cook it.
I woke to the most beautiful sight since I first saw Chrom: cooked meat on a bone. Dinner hovered so close I could almost taste it. I reached for the drumstick feebly, but it floated away towards the campfire. "Come back!" I cried, but it was no use. I crawled after the food, only stumbling twice and falling once before catching up with it at the fire. I pounced and greedily dug into my prize.
It did not last long.
I was still clawing scraps off the bone when a familiar voice so rudely reminded me there is more in this world than me and food.
"Is it good Robin?" Ugh, Lissa.
I graciously stopped gnawing at the bone long enough to answer. "Yes. Good."
The Irritating One refused to stop being irritating.
"I-I-I can get you some more if you like. Just let go... please?"
Her piteousness distracted me from food long enough to realize her hand was beneath mine, also holding onto the bone. How'd she do that?
Letting go of my bone didn't seem like a great idea, but bear meat is the one thing I'd rather have inside me than Chrom tonight. Blondie brought me more – slowly, but I forgive her because I am a generous and considerate person. The other were babbling about something or other, but I couldn't be bothered to listen. Consuming the newly dead required my full attention.
Until Chrom mentioned me, of course.
"Gods above, Robin! A pack of wolves couldn't keep up with you! If I'd known you were this hungry we would have eaten in Southtown."
Oh goodness, is Chrom worried about me? Honey Blue Blue, you're almost too good for me. I'll act more like a pack of wolves if it'll make you happy. Or less, if that's what you want. Unless, that would mean less bear meat, wouldn't it? I'm not sure I can do that, Chrom, even for you, but our relationship is stronger than that. We aren't going to let a silly little thing like this separate us, will we?
Eventually, the unthinkable happened: Lissa handed me another hunk of bear meat, and I didn't want to eat it. She looked shocked and hurt in equal measure when I waved her away and went back to my rock to sleep. The blissful escape from reality came quickly, but my fantasy proved lacking. Given that I remember but a single day, and only four people and one dead animal, this was not particularly unexpected. Sure, the bits with Chrom were very enjoyable, but Frederick, or Lissa, or Marth, or the bear kept interrupting us.
Eventually, a very different sort of fancy occupied my mind. The ground quaked. Gouts of flame erupted from rents in the earth. A hulking, blackened facsimile of a man was about to disembowel a cowering Lissa with a massive battleaxe.
It finally happened, after all these years. I've died and gone to Heaven.
The monster's axe began to fall. Lissa's wailing would end. I only regret I could not see this happen for real.