This part has been on my laptop for over a month now yet for some reason I've not posted it (I've no clue why). Anyone I hope that this is ok, and thank you to anyone who reads it.
The walk back to the ward is far too quick for her liking. She knows that it would be all too easy for Guy to follow her, that he could just as easily find some excuse to have her attend a meeting in his office – though as not only her boss, but also her father, he hardly had to find much of a reason. Still it wasn't as though he really cared about her.
"Ah Doctor March, I was wondering when you might grace us with your presence," She turns her head to find Sacha standing at the desk, flanked by Arthur and Dominic. He flashes her his ready smile and she makes her way over to them.
"Well here I am," Getting closer she can see that Dominic has a slightly thunderous look on his face, and she desperately tries to wrack her brain in the hopes of trying to puzzle out why. She is certain if it was something big he would have mentioned it at some point recently, but then she has barely been taking anything in.
"I was just telling Doctors Digby and Copeland, that you will be joining me in theatre this afternoon," At this she hears Dominic whisper something that sounds like perks of being a daddy's girl though she cannot be certain. Surely they should know by now that the last thing that she wants is to spend her time in an operating theatre, even more so now that she isn't entirely sure how her slightly delicate stomach will hold up against the range of sights and smells that fill that environment.
"But I …" She tries to protest against it. She looks to Arthur in the hopes that he may help her, but he simply pushes his glasses up on his nose and tries to give her a supportive smile – or at least she thinks that's what he's going for. Suddenly the images filter in to her brain of Arthur pouring over so many different books and journals in their flat over the last few days – his way of swatting up ahead of this procedure in the hopes of getting involved.
"No buts Zosia," Sacha's smile broadens as though he is bestowing on her some great gift, "I've made my decision and you are the one who will be joining me," Again Dominic makes some noises of discontent before he bitterly makes some excuse that sees him leaving the area, still grumbling under his breath. To Zosia's mind, Dominic deserved it no more than she did. She hadn't seen him making an effort in the way that Arthur had.
"Why?" She asks it under her breath. There's no real point in the question. Guy is determined that she'll make it as a surgeon, to the point where she knows he is trying to persuade those around her to get her in to surgery as much as humanly possible in the hope that it'll trigger something in her. She doesn't understand why nobody understands that surgery isn't where her heart lies, and no matter how many times she is dragged in to a theatre that isn't going to change.
"We'll be scrubbing in at 1pm – don't be late," and with that the jovial surgeon walked away from the junior. At the very least Sacha seems not to even hear her question, or just not be bothering to respond. He doesn't really have to answer to her anyway, though she could imagine Dominic would give him hell for the decision.
Surgery was Guy's world. She could remember as a child him talking to her about it and how mama would try to stop him, to protect her little girl. She remembered how once, she could only have been 7 or 8, Guy had taken her out with Colette and how he had talked about his love of high risk care. The thrill of it and how the smell of blood was something that he missed when moving in to the lower risk sectors. Colette had laughed, and nodded her head slightly, but the thought of it had made the young Zosia feel slightly ill. It wasn't that she was squeamish, it was simply that it wasn't what captured her interest.
"There's some rather interesting journal articles in my locker I could get you," Arthur's voice is soft as it draws her away from her thoughts. It touches her slightly that even though he has been studying up for this and yet lost out to her, he is willing to offer his materials. He's a good guy. One of the few genuinely good people she has ever known and yet she has used him. She has used him just as she had used so many people in the hopes of bettering herself, and even when she didn't want something still she seemed to be walking over him, taking his opportunities. She is the selfish one, even if it's by default.
"Thank you," She answers him curtly, probably more so than she should have done. It is with Arthur that she had managed to get herself in to this mess. If she had just left him be, she wouldn't be here now. But like always it isn't Arthur's fault. He's the innocent here, and once more she is messing him up. She is going to hurt him and because it's him, he won't understand. He won't understand that it was never real, or supposed to happen because that overly intelligent head of his doesn't understand people and emotions.
"I'll get them for you," He sounds quite pleased with himself that he can do something for her and he scampers off in the direction of the locker room. She doesn't want articles, she doesn't want to know what lies ahead of her and yet it offers her an escape. It means not having to work alongside Dominic on the ward and having him comment on her getting this chance over him, it means not having to look at those puppy dog eyes of Arthur and she's know that Guy would leave her be if he thinks she is reading up ahead of the surgery she'd perform. He might even be proud of her – not that, that matters.
Maybe once she had wanted to make him proud – or more precisely she wanted to make him proud because that would make mama happy. She knew it pained mama to see the fractious relationship between father and daughter. She would've hated to see the way they were now, but then it shouldn't really have been a surprise to her. The signs had been there for so long with them, but perhaps if mama was still here, things would've been different.
"I hope these help," She hadn't even noticed Arthur reappearing but here he was with a stack of journals and pieces of paper in his arms. Mama would have approved of him, the good guy. She would've been happy if she'd bought a man like Arthur home – and even more she would have approved of him being the father of her grandchild, though she'd be expecting a wedding.
But that wasn't going to happen. Even if she did have this baby she was never going to be one of those women who married just for the sake of the child. She didn't want to tie herself in to loveless marriage just because she had been stupid enough to let a sperm fertilise her ovum - what good would it do for any of them being trapped in that life. If anything it would be pretty much a sure fire way of ensuring that one day the child ended up in a psychiatrists chair trying to work out his or her issues, and the blame would lie squarely at her feet. But mama would tell her that she could grow to love the man, and indeed that she would be lucky to have a man like Arthur who it seemed was already smitten with her. But she wasn't so sure.
"Thank you," she repeated it softly as he passed the stack in to her arms. The weight of it surprised her a little. It was enough to bring it home even more the efforts he had been putting in to this. He smiles back at her.
'If you want, you can sit and the staff room and go through them," He pushes his glasses up slightly higher on his nose, "and if there's anything you don't quite get, maybe we could talk it through before you go in," he makes the offer a little shyly and a part of her knows that this is a deal just for her. If it had been Dominic headed in with Sacha, this neat little stack would have remained in Arthur's locker but because it was her, he was offering her that little bit of extra help.
"That's kind of you," He shouldn't have been offering though. He should've been begging Sacha to reconsider and showing off the depth of his knowledge. but instead here he was, being his sweet self. She could do so much worse than him, and even just letting him help her was leading him on somewhat.
"No problem," again that shy smile plays on his lips before he disappears away from her, to return to the ward. She wonders absently if Dominic will tease him mercilessly for his efforts here, and the non-existent relationship he seems to be pursuing. Only it is not so non-existent as to cause her to become pregnant, and she cannot imagine how Dominic will react to that fact. If he even finds out because she doesn't have to let it get that far. It could remain her secret. Even Colette would never have to know the identity of the would be father.
Slowly she made her way towards the staff room. She should at the very least make the effort with this. Not that she wants too but its a way of distracting herself from her thoughts, from this situation. She doesn't want to think anymore because all that serves to do is increase the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach.
She settles herself down and starts to work her way through, finding little bits that Arthur has highlighted or annotated. It's a sign of the way his mind works, the little comments he makes and the occasional doodle - some of which she eventually deciphers are rather crude, barely identifiable, interpretations of what he would need to do in certain parts of the surgery. Art and creativity it seems are not his strong suits.
She swallows hard and tries to stop herself thinking of Arthur, thinking of him only leads her back to thinking of it and of mama. She would love mama to have met him, perhaps with that brain of his, he would have been able to do something to save her. He was special like that, he knew so many things that very few others did that perhaps he would have held the key to mama's survival. He could've done the thing she couldn't and saved her. And then mama would have been here, to hold her and to tell her that everything was going to be ok. Mama would rest a hand against her still flat abdomen, a place she had barely dared touch since the moment she had found out, before guiding her own hand down. Perhaps she would have flinched and pulled it away, or held it there in reverent wonder but she cannot bring herself to find out.
She looks back down at the papers before her, only they swim in front of her eyes. She can't let herself get emotional here, not when there is such a risk of getting caught. There are so many people in this place, and no doubt word would quickly get round that Zosia March was caught sobbing in the staff room and no doubt it would quickly become embellished until there were countless theories circling as to why. Privacy didn't really exist here, not with such a legendary gossip network with hundreds of curious eyes and wagging tongues just waiting for the next tidbit to arise.
But no-one appears in the room with her, not even Arthur even though he has given her long enough to read the papers. She had almost been waiting for him to arrive to offer his own opinions and to give her guidance for how to approach this. In so many ways she wanted to see him, having to talk out loud would further distract her from her mind and it's ability to slip to topics she wished to avoid and yet seeing him made it all the harder to cope with this.
And then it's time to leave and she doesn't feel prepared. She barely even knows what the surgery is for despite having read the papers, but she knows what is expected of her and that if she fails to turn up the result would be a meeting with Guy and having to explain herself to him. So she shifts her body for the chair and neatens the stack of papers, knowing that Arthur would probably want them back to add to his ever growing collection. One day he'd be able to open his own library with all of the papers he had collected - a valuable resource to young medics like themselves, but for now it was his own though he was at least willing to share it with her, not that many of the surgical pieces were of interest.
She scrubs alongside Sacha as he talks joyfully about a subject she barely pays any attention too. She tries to nod her head in appropriate places but in truth she has no clue what she is or isn't agreeing with. She just has to hope that she isn't roping herself in to more theatre duties, or a longer stint on Keller. If she could she'd ask to change her rotation, to move in to an area that holds more of an interest to her but she knows Guy will never allow it to happen. He seems determined to keep her here in this world that makes her so very unhappy.
She tries to let Sacha take the lead as much as possible, trying to feign interest in the surgery and soaking in the knowledge of what is happening. Only she is spending the majority of her time trying to stop herself inhaling, to ignore the fact the room smells of sterility, of the blood from the open cavity. Its a smell that fills her nostrils and one that won't leave her for many hours no matter how much she wants it too. She can't imagine how anyone can enjoy it in here.
"And I think you might like to do this," She snaps to attention as Sacha addresses her, a smile on his face as he nods towards the instruments and the patient. She should have known that this was coming, that she'd be expected to play a part, only she doesn't want to. Behind her mask, she tries to force her face in to a picture of innocence.
"I would much rather see the master at work," She tries to keep her voice light, but its hard to keep the truth out of it. She doesn't want to be the plumber, the one arm deep in organs. She watches as Sacha's face changes, the laugh that he emits gently.
"Don't flatter me," He responds softly, "I've heard you are quite the talent and I'd like to see you at work," that she presumes is another of Guy's lies. It's meant to boost her, to make her feel like this is her environment but it's a tactic she is too used to and one which will never work. Still right now it seems it has left her no option but to get involved.
She nods her head slightly in defeat as she steps closer to the patient. She tries desperately to remember Arthur's doodles and to imagine how he would have done this. She feels her hand shake slightly as she reaches to grab the first tool that she needs. In truth she can do this, it's just that she doesn't like it. Only today it is slightly different. Her head swims that little bit more and she has to work harder to steady herself. She listens hard as Sacha tries to talk her through the moves she has to make. It's the simplest part of the operation, though she has no doubt he'll find something else for her to do in a bit.
She follows his instructions, forcing herself to keep her mind on the task at hand. Each second reminding herself to take another breath, to keep going. There's a time limit. She knows it. Each second that ticks by is one second that Sacha and those around her will get that little bit more antsy. And she has to get it right because outside, in a room somewhere near here, waits this person's relatives. The ones on edge wanting news, to be told that their loved one is going to be ok. If things had been different, if they had been able to do something for mama, would she have waited like that? She could've been on the other side. If it was her on the table, who would be waiting? Not Guy she assumed, he would be too busy with other things, and now not mama either.
"Zosia," Sacha's voice is slightly sharp as it draws her back in to the room and she forces herself to concentrate once more. She shouldn't have let her mind drift. She shouldn't let herself think of mama. Mama is no longer here. If mama was here, she could talk to her about how much she dislikes theatre, and have her gently stroke her hair and reassure her its not for much longer, that she'll try to talk to Guy about not pressuring her so much. She'd tell her that she's proud of her for doing her best and not giving up even though it's not what she wants to be doing - because sometimes we have to do things we don't like. Mama would make this better. But mama can't make this better. Mama is not there waiting for her. Nobody is.
"Doctor March," Again Sacha's voice but slightly more urgent this time. She looks back down at her hands. The gloves now bloodied. Though to her eye it is not noticeable, she knows her hand is still shaking. She doesn't know how to do this, and yet Sacha is telling her, he's talking her through it in that way of his. Once more she follows the instructions, only it doesn't feel quite right. Everything seems to happen in slow motion, and the next thing she knows there's a spurt of blood and she is covered in it and then around her is this hive of activity as she is somewhat pushed aside and others take over.
She has made a mistake. It takes her a moment to realise it. She had done something to endanger this patients life. Because of her, one of her colleagues might have to go and explain to those relatives why their loved one didn't make it, why things aren't going as well as had been expected. She could be the one to destroy their family. All because she had been selfish enough to let herself get wrapped up in her own thoughts. She has no place here. In this room, she doesn't matter. All that matters is the patient on the table, and fixing them.
Guy would most definitely be disappointed in her now. The fact she had made a monumental mistake, and in a world he expected her to excel because she was his flesh and blood. It didn't matter really what he thought, but still it hurt a little. Without mama, he was all she had really and even then she didn't really have him - she never had.
She needed mama. She would have known what to do and say here. She would have been able to help. Looking up she catches sight of the surgery viewing window, and with a gasp that she can barely hide she sees him there. He had come to watch, and now he has that look on his face that she has seen so many times before. She bites her lip and tries to look away but it is near impossible. She knows how he would have loved to say 'This is my daughter - the star surgeon" but it is never going to happen, and now he has seen for himself what a failure she is.
"Thank you everyone" She hears Sacha's voice again and she knows the surgery is over. She slips away before anyone can talk to her, or stop her. She can't be here anymore. Once she's changed she gets herself back to the ward, but almost instantly she is spotted by Arthur who starts to ask her how it went and she cannot bring herself to tell him. If he had been in there, it would have been different. He would have known exactly what to do and he wouldn't have made a mistake like that. And so she rushes away from him without a word.
She somehow ends up in the locker room, sat down against the cold bench, and trying to gain control of herself. She shouldn't let herself get this way, or perhaps it is not entirely her fault. It could all be made worse by the hormones that course around her body, making her weaker than she already is. If it wasn't for this maybe she could have held it together, and not been so distracted. She could have stopped herself dwelling on thoughts of mama and what should have been. Mama wouldn't want her to be like this. Mama would want her to be the daughter she had known, and loved. The one who had been excited to be accepted in to medical school, ready to chase her dreams, the daughter she had tried so desperately to protect from the realities of her illness even though it had pained her so to pretend. She owed it to mama to prove herself, and to be that person.
She closes her eyes and tries to steady her breathing once more before she stands up and makes her way to her locker. Pulling it open she reaches for the plastic bag stashed away, she drags one of the boxes free and stares at it for a second before she pulls it open and allows the single pill to drop in to her palm. It's just a normal pill, no different to so many others and yet it terrifies her. To hold it, and be so close to swallowing it, causes a flood of panic to course through her.
Mama would be disappointed in her, but then mama would hate to see her like this. And at the end of the day mama wasn't here. Closing her eyes, she raised her hand and before she had even really thought about it she allowed the pill to fall from her palm.