5.

Thor stares at Loki, hating him more than he has ever hated him before but at the same time unable either to tear his eyes away or ignore the fact that he can hear his own heart beating violently in his chest, it has seemed as though that heart has lain silent, close to death all this time. A flood of riotously differing emotions and ideas flood through him, rending it impossible to form a simple answer. He is furious that Loki has let him believe he was dead all this time, furious that he has treated such a thing as a game. He wonders if it was all an act, every bit of it, if he had even meant to save him or staged it all to finally get himself here. He wonders where his father is and is fully ready to believe Loki has killed him and a part of him is just as ready to kill him for doing so. Another part of him is just as aware that he could not end Loki's life any more than he could end his own, aware that he feels hope as he has not felt it in what feels far longer a time than it is. He is aware too of an almost painful delight in seeing Loki alive and of a childish desire to crush him close and let him never stray too far again.

He is painfully aware, as Loki has no doubt intended for him to be, that the last time he spoke those words –

"Now you see me brother" he was separated from him by glass, unable to touch him as every sense and nerve ending in his body screamed for him to do. It had been so long, so long all of those nerve endings were beginning to feel severed and raw from lack of contact, as though only through their touch could he ever feel like one whole and complete living entity. So it had always been, even when touch, when love had come easily – easily indeed urgently, the feel of skin against skin only fuelling the need for more and closer contact. Every sense, every ounce of being clamouring for more. He remembers it all so agonisingly, a wrenching at the heart that never stopped pulling at him.

He knows and can barely believe that even now Loki is playing with him, burrowing sharp nails into his heart and sinking the hooks in. He wants to scream at him but does not know what he would scream, knows only that there has to be some release for this mess of burning feeling tearing away at him and that this time that release really can be achieved.

Loki in turn has waited for this apprehensively and impatiently ever since Thor left thinking him Odin. He had waited through tidal waves of amusement, irritation, anger and hurt, alternately torturing himself for testing Thor like this, his brain screaming over and over have you not done enough already? And cursing himself for his weakness in not being able to do him worse damage – given he has gone to that woman and does not even care about you. As the days and then weeks had passed he had found himself having to make the illusion more and more obvious so that if not Thor then at least his idiot friends might realise there was something amiss and call him back.

Now he stands, seeing how Thor shakes with rage, staring him down with those eyes like smoking coals, eyes he has been finding it harder to read than he could ever have imagined. Loki stands poised awaiting whatever his brother will throw at him almost eagerly, knowing that whatever it is it will be what he has been waiting for all this time. And so, he is prepared when Thor lunges for him with all the force of a storm and he half leaps half falls into the arms of that storm as they crash like lightening wreaking the sky.

Thor throws himself at Loki unsure of what his intent is but with too much rage inside not to let that intent hurt anything it touches. His superior strength throws Loki to the ground and there is such relief, such intense relief in the act that it is with a strange confused pleasure that he tries to pin Loki into the floor, but as he springs downwards Loki's foot catches him around the leg, throwing him too over onto his back as Loki springs back up like a dancer –

"And to think –" he grins, though Thor can see little amusement in his eyes – "There was a time I had to beg you to fight me."

"That time is done" Thor grunts, also setting himself back on his feet – "As so much is."

He launches himself at Loki again, wishing he did not feel such deep clenching pleasure in wrestling him down, wishing he was not so aware of his brother's body, tight, twisted and arching against him – would that I could tear you open to find your heart – using his weight to press Loki into the floor and yes, feeling that frantic heartbeat so close to his own; it is the beat that keeps his own heart alive, even if that must needs mean alive and hurting. He has set his whole life to the beat of Loki's heart, for that at least he can still trust. He lets go as much pain as he can in slamming Loki down again by the shoulders, mindlessly pounding him into the ground with his fists. But each blow might as well be to his own flesh and he stops only when he cannot take another blow. Loki is still laughing as Thor stares down at him, brokenly, his hands shaking in their fists, a mess of fury, guilt and a rising sense of nausea – for what exactly has been done to his brother that this does not even hurt him? He sags, watching his hands uncurl, appalled, and only then does Loki drop his smile to glare at him furiously,

"What?" he spits, savagely, his words more aggressive than the fight he put up – "Not as good as you thought you were brother? Not such a damned paragon after all? Or are you just too scared of your own erection?"

Thor growls at him, but only because he cannot growl at himself; what stupid part of him had imagined or even hoped that Loki would not notice that? Or that when he did he would be good enough not to mention it – he knows Loki better than that – it is himself he realises he struggles with. Yes he has been hard for his brother since he launched himself at him, but it should hardly have even surprised him, he has wanted Loki since he was old enough to know what wanting was. Loki smirks, humourlessly, to watch all this cross Thor's face.

"Didn't I tell you, you only ever pretended to care? You want to hurt me as much as anyone ever has, more than most I am sure – do it Thor, hit me, hurt me damn you, give in and fuck me like we both know you want to, why pretend when you're so bad a liar? Come on brother –"

Thor clenches his fists until the knuckles stand white as bone and Loki chuckles cruelly to see the effort it takes not to hit him to shut him up. Thor balances on that edge until his jaw aches from clenching and with a wrench he dashes his fist into the cold solid ground just beside his brother's head, knuckles and stone both cracking.

"Damn you I will not give in to you again! He snarls furiously – "Just what you want – always, Loki, exactly as you want it – well I will not do you hear? Now –" It is with an effort in the face of Loki so close to pull his mind back to what perhaps should have been his first concern – "Where is my father? What have you done?"

Loki shrugs, despite the awkward angle, even though Thor's emphasis on the pronoun hurts more than he thought it could, but he shrugs as though he could not have heard of a more minor concern –

"He's asleep"

"Loki –" Thor growls warningly.

"What? Would it surprise you to find he was grieved to hear me dead? Would it surprise you that someone at least was? That coming so soon after –" Loki swallows hard – "That it was too much and he fell into one of his wretchedly ill-timed escape sleeps? And that I have merely been doing the best I could since then? Is it so impossible or would you expect only that I – I faked my own death to kill him? Is that what you thought?"

"Well what cause had I to believe otherwise?" Thor almost softens, feeling a mess of guilt that it had not occurred to him that Loki had not come this way by foul play and uncertain as to whether he was lying yet. Then he remembers his other major grief and hardens again –

"You died on me Loki, you died on me again and did not even tell me you were back, you left me for weeks thinking you dead, so tell me –" his voice rises as he speaks until he is close enough to shouting by the end – "Tell me what I was supposed to believe!"

Only Thor shouting so close in his face could jolt Loki into betraying himself, screaming back, face contorted –

"You were supposed to love me! Damn you Odin's Son you were supposed to love me like you swore you always would, not run to your mortal bitch first chance you got! You were supposed –" the silver tongue tarnished, Loki struggles to find words through the tears that slip over his lips and he manages only in a jagged breath – "You were supposed to love me and – and expect better of me."

"And did you ever expect it of yourself?" Thor aches out every word in sadness – "Did nothing I ever said convince you I had not given up? Did you only notice when I started to tell myself that I had at last? Yes –" he sighs, head hanging until his hair falls in Loki's face – "Yes of course you did. How much do you expect of me that you say I felt so little? Damn you Loki, how much further can you tear my heart apart?"

Loki stares up at him, a tremble almost waiting at the edge of his lips, everything in him fighting to process this –

"I had not known it existed to break" he whispers half-heartedly.

"Loki –" Thor chokes out, and this time he allows the tears to fall on Loki's face – "How dare you?" he wants to shout it but it comes out as a sob – "Loki I could love you into as many pieces as you have torn me and you would still not believe me. Yet I have only ever lied to myself. I – I have always loved you, you little bastard – and I always will –"

Loki stares at him through streaming eyes, half comprehending, half still completely not hearing and it is this half that answers in a shaky –

"W-what?" the stammer of disbelief shuddering against Thor's heart, one hand twisting into his hair, feeling that sweet softness like feathers, the other hand softening as he holds Loki down, stroking his neck almost but not quite absently.

"I love you my brother" he says softly, his tongue trembling on expansion – my life, my love, other half of my soul, my everything. But Loki's face is already falling apart as he mouths the words Thor has already given him, unable to say it but forced to believe it – my brother. Finally, he thinks, and then; how does it feel, getting what you wanted? He mocks himself but cannot stand beneath his own judgement and collapses into tears.

His tears are Thor's undoing, they always have been, especially as now when they fall without the least hint of manipulation or intent. He rolls off of Loki quickly and sitting beside him pulls him into his arms to cry on his shoulder in an almost blissful flood.

"I didn't mean to Thor I didn't mean to I'm sorry, I'm so sorry –" Loki sobs incoherently, all vestige of the King wiped away at this moment until only the boy is left. Thor pats him and tries to make sense of his babble –

"Didn't mean what Loki? It's alright little brother, it's alright now, I've got you –"

"I didn't mean to break you –" Loki sniffs and shakes his head to clear it a little – "I – I didn't think I could – I –" he sounds so bewildered, like a child apologising for breaking a glass he had not seen was there. – "You won't go again so soon? You can go – if you want – the – the human."

"Hush Loki, hush" Thor sighs and rocks him gently – "It's done, she's a friend and that's all, it was all it ever was –" Loki looks at him a little disbelievingly, Thor shrugs apologetically – "I just did not know that at first. You Loki – it's-" he searches for a better sounding answer to every question in his head but really it is as simple as he says – "It's only ever been you."

Loki looks up at him, eyes shining, dazzling green through his tears, shining with hope –

"I can – that is, you'll let me – you'll stay?" he amends – "And I can fix you?" Thor smiles and his heart swells, it feels like almost any minute now it could start to beat again after long hiatus –

"Yes Loki" he smiles – "Yes, you can".

_x_

Phew, about three times during that the direction it was going in changed from what I was planning, damn the rollercoaster ride of Loki's feels. I thought there would be porn but no….that's gonna be the prerogative of the next chapter!