Possible trigger warnings for this section; there is sex but Loki is still very damaged, experiencing flashbacks (though this is only referred to briefly and not made clear at this time) and in denial, so it could be viewed as dub con, only I'm not sure from who's side. It all gets a bit complex with the feels.

6.

The king clutches at his brother like a broken child on the floor, so small in his arms and the both of them so small in this lonely hall and Thor rocks his brother as though to put him to sleep until his sobs cease and his heart soothes itself just a little. Loki's hitching breathes carry Thor's heart, forcing him to ride on that nightmare rollercoaster of up and down emotion. For a moment Thor feels he can feel all that Loki does and in that feeling he hates himself for not having tried harder always to help.

I have not done enough. He beats himself with it over and over. I never have. Will I ever be able to do enough? Do I have enough to give? Must I always fall short? And Loki cries hot tears of regret where he felt he had no more tears left to shed;

I thought I did for I had no more to shed for myself. I drowned in the sea of my own self pity. But it seems I do have tears left still to weep for you, my brother, whom I have wronged.

The words forgive me tremble at the edge of lips unaccustomed to speaking truths and demanding what they really want and even need, but they do not fall. It occurs to Loki that the words will no sooner be out of his mouth before Thor has given him that forgiveness a hundred times over without question and so, because he needs it more than he can say, he does not ask. He looks up at Thor through eyes that shine, bright and green and lost and instead, because it is the closest he can do his forehead knits and he whispers –

"Kiss me" instead. It is more of a plea than he wanted it to be and somehow, looking down into those eyes that he fathoms better than he thought he could Thor knows what it is that his brother is asking. He has always been able to read Loki better than he knows himself, certainly better than Loki will ever know. However many times he has said those words I know you better than you think – and he has said them often over the centuries he has not come close to the truth of how well indeed he does. Loki is a part of him, half of his own heart beat and to not know a little of how that worked would be for the heart to stop beating altogether.

Loki knows this too, or knows something like it. That his heart would cease to beat without Thor and that it is only his persistent belief in his own unworthiness and thus a belief that he did not have Thor that has placed such a stammer on his heart and broken all the rhythms inside of him until he had long lost the ability to dance to the tune of his own life. He should have known, he should have known his life was not his own – but not in the way he always thought – so laid out, his fate always decided always controlled by others. It was not that he was a pawn in someone's game that made his life belong to others it was that he shared it so closely, with this, his other half. This, and only this.

It terrifies him; frightens him more than he could ever express, to know that Thor is always there, that their lives have always been so closely entwined, that all of that goodness that he sees in Thor is in him too by connection. Could it? Really? The concept of any goodness of his own makes him doubt even his own reality even if that goodness does come at second hand.

And so, better just for now not to think, better to say softly, fiercely and yes desperately -"Kiss me" and hope that one order can be fulfilled. Better to lose this fractured, divided self inside another and in touch erase the confusion and wrong.

Thor sees it. He knows what Loki means, what he needs and so – he kisses him, wiping away his tears with one hand and circling his throat tenderly, possessively with the other. He kisses him deeply, searchingly, to find Loki for himself and lose his own self trying. And Loki kisses back, twisting and pressing against him wildly, hungrily, so much to erase, so much to forget, to not think of, and his heart sings in pleasure that smarts alongside the scars in there and it's not enough, it's dreadfully, agonisingly not enough. His fingers scrabble across Thor's back and over his chest, trying to touch everywhere, to rip the fabric apart, to get into Thor's skin like trying to get out of a cage.

"More –" he hisses – "More –" he whimpers and though he does not say please Thor can hear him all but scream it. Loki's hands rub furiously against his cock through his clothes and he can feel the near distress his need is causing him. There is a furious burst of energy as Loki squeezes his eyes tight shut ripping both of their clothes away into nothing – a nest of torn fragments around them on the stone and he sighs, quivering and breathless at the feel of Thor's skin against his own, pressing, rubbing, straining almost as if to burst against his chest.

Thor is no less affected by Loki's body against his in lust once more after all this time. All of these months – no, in truth it has been years since last time. It seems several lifetimes ago – before the day of his would – be coronation, before everything he knew, everything they had fell apart, blowing into dust. Before Loki had fallen apart so completely, breaking so hard that the pieces hit and hurt everything and everyone they touched. He wonders if this, this finally can start to put those pieces back together as he has wanted to ever since then. But he forces himself to take firm hold of Loki's wrists, putting him at arms distance as much as he can for his brother's squirming and gasping like a drowning fish.

"Loki –" he forces himself to speak calmly – "Loki stop – it is not –"

"Right?" Loki snarls, half crying out with the need and effort to kiss at Thor's neck – "It's never been right. But that does not mean it is not good."

"Loki! Listen to me – I will not – use you like this, I will not take advantage –"

"Of me?" Loki barks a short laugh – "If there is advantage to be taken surely I would say it was the reverse and trust me I have no such qualms."

"Loki you are –" Thor struggles, remembering everything that he finally learnt Loki had been through, not wanting to remind him, certainly not wanting to force him to think of it, but certainly wondering if he really wants what he wants. He does not want to say broken, does not want to say hurting, not even confused, unsure, damaged, true though he feels they all perhaps are. And so he lets the sentence hang, foolishly giving Loki the opportunity to finish it himself –

"Broken?" he sneers, as though he has read Thor's mind – "Well yes, very probably. But for gods sake –" he stills his squirming and looks Thor in the eye as seriously as he has ever managed – "Do not tell me. Do not remind me of the fact by treating me as such. Please Thor. Do not treat me as fragile and so remind me that I am. Do not be gentle. Do not even acknowledge that these words have passed between us – please?"

Thor half smiles –

"What words?" he half shrugs – "But Loki, when I kissed you before it was enough to make you –"

"Shhh" Loki hisses emphatically, placing a finger to Thor's lips – "Shhh shh shh brother, that will not happen again. Please, undo everything I remembered then by touching me now? And please forget I ever may have said there was anything to undo alright? Because I have, I have –"

This time it is Thor who tells him to hush, and falls to kiss him again, unwilling to have taken Loki as he wanted because he wanted it but convinced enough that Loki needed it to give in to his own desire, kissing him with shaking lips and trembling hands. If he could have stopped kissing him for half a second it would have been to cry out with the sweet relief of feeling this deliciousness again after so long. His hands roam Loki's body wildly, too needy, too starved for him to take his time as he might otherwise have liked and Loki in turn drags and scratches at his skin in the need to get closer.

The mutual need is frantic, frenzied and demanding and Thor does not need telling to push Loki gently down – Loki all but falling beneath his hands in readiness, screaming aloud when Thor touches his aching cock before sliding a finger inside him, then another, his need too violent, too overwhelming now to allow for much preparation. Loki bites his lip hard, silently blessing Thor for doing as he asked and not being any more gentle, as Thor scissors him apart and rubs spit into his cock as the only lubricant available. It hurts, but Loki moans in delight at the same time as with pain, needing it to hurt, nodding frantically at Thor in affirmation when Thor meets his eye in a silent question. Thor cannot think too deeply now, now is not a time for thinking, but takes the affirmative with all he has and drives his cock hard home into his brother with a screaming groan of sweet ecstasy.

Loki's nails dig into Thor's back hard enough to cut and he bites at his shoulder to keep from screaming – just for a moment before letting go to scream, delighting in the temporary insanity of this loss of control. He could not have let it go for anyone else. Thor slams into him with animal intensity, almost more brutally than Loki can take, though he knows now that there is no such thing. He fucks him like they both need, hard and savage, leaving no room for any rational thought and Loki screams inwardly as outwardly for delight in it. It is so good to let go of thought, to know nothing but the feel of his brother against him, inside him, owning him and fucking him like it will break him so hard he will find himself fixed. Thor's hands are like magic on his skin, Loki can almost see that magic, painting him with a golden light that removes any traces of any Other's touch. As though the foulness had been painted black upon his skin and Thor's hands erase it all, painting him as new again. He pictures it so clearly that he starts to cry, wonderful ecstatic tears that make him laugh at the same time and wrap his arms around Thor to hold him to the world as so much badness seeps out of his skin. Thor sees his tears and looks a question at him, Loki shakes his head and pulls him close to kiss, adamant that Thor does not stop. Thor is not honestly sure that he could, and at the sweetness of Loki's kiss and the sublime clench of his body, thrusts into him one last time before coming cataclysmically, breaking off the kiss to roar his ecstasy to the vaulted ceiling. Loki gasps to take in all the breath he can and screams to feel the darkness within him replaced by the hot rush of his brother's seed. His screams are as raw, as animal as Thor's and he quietens only when he has no further breath left and his throat feels ragged.

Loki's fingers play loosely in Thor's hair, now slightly damp with sweat and he rolls onto his side, pushing Thor likewise, still in his arms. Thor presses a kiss to the top of his head;

"Brother" he whispers, a faint smile on his lips, the one word containing everything Loki needs to hear. He nuzzles closer in against Thor's chest and it's almost, just for a moment it could be – as though none of the past two years had happened and they are innocent again. Thor opens his mouth to say something – he is not sure what, but Loki feels the move and shakes his head –

"No –" he mumbles, muffled, "Don't. Cold. Shh."

Thor watches as their fragments of clothes dance and swirl into one big cloak in a mess of spiralling red and green which Loki then pulls around them both and they press close beneath it. They curl silent and close in the roughly made cave where they can pretend that the world has gone away. It always was their favourite game.

_x_

This maybe went a bit more traumatic than I meant it to, I'm sorry. The next chapter I think will be quite a short one, then it's the end of part one. I see this story as coming in two sections but I'm probably posting it all as the same story so there's a way to go yet!