Chapter 4: I Can Tell By Your Smile You're Coming Undone

Rick isn't angry. He says that to himself every time he looks at Murphy's face, or at Daryl's, for that matter; the two look so alike they're practically interchangeable now. If they kept their mouths shut they really would be the same person, except they wouldn't be either.

Because Daryl is still rough around the edges, unable to gracefully accept a compliment or a statement of gratitude, still a hunter and a man who lost his brother, someone who doesn't want to accept who he really is. Whereas Murphy is exuberant, buoyant in even the most dire of circumstances, a cold-blooded killer who still has his brother, someone who has fully embraced who and what he is without complaint; hell, Murphy flaunts it, even.

Rick isn't angry. He just wants to give Murphy a good punch to the jaw, take him down the way he took Tyreese down a few days ago, tell him to stay the hell away from Daryl for the rest of their presumably-short lives.

Because Murphy is the problem here, not Daryl. Murphy was the one who went and flirted it up with Daryl, tempted Daryl; Daryl never would have made a move on Murphy had the tables been turned, he was too shy for that kind of thing. Murphy was the serpent here, and Daryl made a perfect Eve: one bite of the tempter's fruit and he was hooked.

Rick sighs and rubs at his bruised fist, still wrapped up in bandages. He has a nasty temper, but he's pretty good at keeping it in check. He still doesn't know why he took things so far with Tyreese. He could have easily overlooked Tyreese's punches; not like they'd hurt that much, anyway. But something inside of him snapped and he just acted. He didn't think, he did, lunging at Tyreese like an animal and beating him damn near six feet under. Daryl was the one pulled him off, brought him back to reality, back to himself. One look into Daryl's perfect baby blues and Rick's temper had ebbed completely, because he could see the shock and disappointment shining through Daryl's eyes clear as day.

Was that when Daryl had decided to run around with Murphy? When he saw that Rick was still halfway to crazy and he could snap at any time?

Murphy was probably more stable than Rick, or at least he seemed to be. Maybe Daryl needed that stability from time to time, something to keep him balanced so that he could stay with Rick without any problems coming between them. Except that Daryl going to Murphy in the first place was a problem, a big one.

Rick isn't angry. He'd just like to beat Daryl into the ground for what he's done. He wants to take his fists to the man's face over and over again until all he can see is blood, bright and wet and sticky, pouring from every place possible. He wants to take out his Colt, shove it right between Daryl's lips, ask him if the barrel of the gun tastes better than Murphy, then just squeeze the trigger and let it be over, let it all be over.

Rick worked long and hard for the relationship he and Daryl have now. Why should some little flamer come along and ruin what they have? Maybe it should be Murphy's lips he shoves that gun between.

Rick's not going to share Daryl with anybody. Except he is. Because he can't control Daryl, can't stop him from doing whatever he damn well pleases. Putting a leash on Daryl, telling him he can't see Murphy anymore, would just push a wedge even further between them. Daryl doesn't take kindly to people telling him what he can and cannot do, and if someone tells Daryl he can't do something he'll just go out and show them that he damn well can. And if Daryl wants to fuck Murphy there's nothing Rick can do to stop it, short of kicking the man out of his bed completely, and Rick doubts he could handle that.

Rick is in love with Daryl. He's known that for a while now. There was something about him, something present even on the day they first met back in Atlanta. Daryl wasn't as fit then, had a little more meat on his bones and his hair was a lot shorter, but he was still fucking gorgeous. He'd come up to the few of them gathered around a walker eating a dear, covered in dirt and sweat, crossbow in his hands and squirrels on his belt, completely out of place among the members left over from polite society. But Rick had seen something different, something just under the surface of Daryl's eyes; Daryl had been putting on a front the whole time, trying to keep people from getting close to him, because of how his past had been. And Rick understood that, because he'd been putting on a front every day since the group appointed him to be their leader; he didn't have a damn clue what he was doing or how to do it, he just did it because he had to.

They've come a long way since then. Daryl's grown a little softer, a little calmer, a little more reserved. He won't throw squirrels in your face anymore, won't close himself off from the group, or from Rick. But he still finds new ways to shut Rick out, whether he means to or not, and one of those ways is fucking Murphy.

And Rick just wants to cry when he thinks about the two of them together. Because Daryl was the one to pick up the pieces of his shattered soul and put him back together. Daryl was there when Shane died, filling in the position of second command as if it'd been his title all along. Daryl was there when Lori died and Judith was born and Rick went wandering Crazy Town, making sure the baby got fed, making sure the rest of the group was taken care of, making sure Rick didn't go off and kill himself or get himself killed. Daryl had been there through it all, keeping Rick steady and sane and on his feet. Rick didn't know what he'd do if Daryl left him completely; probably swallow a bullet.

Rick isn't angry. His smile's just broken, a shadow of the thing it once was. There is no joy left when he smiles now, no happiness lingering over his lips when they stretch into the familiar curved-up shape. Even as he holds his baby daughter the smile on his lips is fake, because much as he loves Judith she can never give him all that Daryl has given him.

Daryl was the only person who could make him smile with any amount of genuine-ness, and now it seems that the reason for his joy wants to become the reason for his sorrow.

Rick isn't angry. He just can't afford to lose Daryl. And he'll keep them together, by whatever means necessary.