This one goes out to Anastasia The Goddess of Drama- my most loyal and awesomest of followers/reviewers. It was because of her that this chapter came to being- thanks for the amazing prompt hun! So very much appreciated!
This story was meant to be fluffy, crackish and easy-going. Apparently my mood refuses to permit this- so angsty and darkish it is! This one is AU, modern day love struck teens- so there's talk of sex, alcohol and a whole lot more swearing. Yup. This one isn't pretty. It's choppy and my thoughts are all over the place, so the characters are all over the place. Going on only a few hours of sleep here; but for some reason I'm happy with it. Not Fluffy and Cracky but… real.
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The day Rowena and Godric starting dating everyone understood and rejoiced in their pairing; the school's prized jock dating the most popular girl in school- it was a high school fairy tale coming true. So beautiful together in yearbook pictures and walking down the halls. Perfect.
The day Helga and Salazar started dating everyone sighed in relief and smiled at their pairing; the cold unattainable class president dating the sweetest head cheerleader- it was a high school fairy tale coming true. A story so heart warming to listen to and watch as they shared lunch together everyday. Perfect.
Unfortunately the world we live in poisons fairy tales.
Unfortunately the world we live in spits in our faces.
Unfortunately not all our stories end up the way we want it to… doesn't finish with everyone living happily ever after.
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Just because you're comfortable, just because it's easy and it's fun… it doesn't mean it's right. Just because you can laugh and smile and be cheerful doesn't mean that you're actually happy. You're not. Admit it. If you were happy-
If you were happy you wouldn't think about him.
You wouldn't wish he'd leave her. Wish that she'd leave him. Just wish that it were you beside him no matter how you got there.
God, if you were happy-
You'd be happy.
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Just because it's great to be with him it's not like you're blind- you can see. You may be short but you can see further than most people, through most people. Just because he's attentive and kind (only to you!) you hope that it's enough so you can keep pretending that you're the one who is delusional. That what you see is only in your head.
But it's not.
Because it's happening. And you can see it.
He might look at you, smile at you ask how your day was… but he'll stare at her when no one else watches and whisper silently in his mind all the sweet nothing that you want to hear… but to her. To her back, to her shadow. Never to you.
Just because you're with him doesn't mean you're together.
Because you're not.
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Just because she's the kindest person in school it means you can't hurt her, you asked her to be yours and now you're in charge of insuring her happiness. She holds your hand and tries to impart her warmth into you, packs double lunches so she can feed you at lunch and take care of you- but what do you do to make her happy? To take care of her? You sit there and let her do it. You take all of her; her soft words and embraces, her food and devotion because in some weird way that makes her happy.
And now that's your job.
Just because she's the kindest person and you can't hurt her- doesn't mean that you don't.
Because you do. Everyday. And you can't bring yourself to stop.
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Just because she's been everything you've dreamed of since you were ten doesn't mean that it'll all come crashing down around you. You've been together for three years now and she's been nothing but supportive and loyal. Attended all the pep rallies, the after school practises and even participated in the car wash for the team fundraiser. How could this relationship not end up with them finishing their schooling, getting married and having 2 kids and a dog.
Just because she's been everything you've dreamed of it doesn't mean that it'll come crashing around you- because it never really existed. Not really.
You just refuse to wake up.
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"This is wrong"
"Then why are you still here"
"Because it's less wrong than me not being here"
"Hn"
"I don't… I don't want to hurt anyone… but I just can't keep doing what I've been doing all this time"
"You know I can't leave her. She'd break, she's barely hanging on as it is"
"Then I should go"
"You should go"
"Then let me go"
"…. I can't."
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"They're together again aren't they?" she muttered into her plastic cup. Helga wished so hard that she could have been cool like those other kids that could get wasted without a thought. She despised the taste of alcohol. Even in the brightest and fruitiest drinks she could always detect the bite of it and she was never one for biting. However lately she'd been turning to the sting of it for comfort- just ingesting enough to give her a buzz. She'd puke it out before she got back home though and then she'd be all alone, without a buzz and just her hollow tears. She took another sip of the brown liquid- was it whiskey or bourbon?- before looking to the young man sitting beside her.
"Yeah…"
Godric took a swig from the bottle with his fingers gripping around the neck tightly, crinkling and tearing the brown paper slightly. He offered the strawberry blonde next to him more and at the declining wave of her hand he polished off the last of it with four deep gulps. Placing the bottle back in his backpack he leaned back against the wall.
"You think… you think they fuck each other when they're together? Is that what they do?" he gruffly asked just mindlessly staring into the sky. "Cos- I fuck her. All the time whenever I can and she likes it- screams and shakes more than you'd believe, as far as I know she doesn't lie to me about that. But I guess she hasn't been 100% honest with me all this time either huh?" he chuckled darkly. Helga shook her head; with pity or in regards to his final question he did not know. He didn't care.
Finishing off her cup and then crushing in between her fingers she shook her head again, her curls bouncing around her face.
"No, they don't fuck each other. Hell he doesn't even touch her inappropriately. They just…" she faded off with a disgusted look twisting her mouth in an ugly grimace.
"What? They just what?" he pressed on wanting some sort of answer.
"They just sit there. Looking at each other, talking and sometimes touch each other's hands or hair or faces. And that's it. That's really it"
"Then why are we so upset? If that's really it Ga-Ga why are we so freaking upset?" he growled at her. He didn't want to take his frustrations out on her but unfortunately she was the closest target.
"Because Ricky," she spat back, "they're happy. Happy. Happier than I've ever fucking seen them with us, or alone, or with family. They're just fucking sitting there and they're ecstatic! I could sit with him. I'd sit forever with him but not once, not ever will he be as happy as when Ro sits with him. That's why I'm upset- I'm not enough. You are upset because you know I'm right- that she is happier with him. It doesn't matter how many books you hold for her, how high you can throw her in the air before you catch her, how many times you can make her cum screaming your name… She's thinking about him. Only him. That's why you're angry- you're not enough."
Silence over took them.
"Then why are we still here?" he questioned, his voice breaking. Here he was, Captain of the basketball team, manliest man in school- drunk and crying like a little bitch over a girl. And beside him was the smallest girl in school who baked cookies to sell at their local Church every Sunday, holding her liquor with a look of steel hardening her face.
"I don't know. Do you know how to be any other way?"
"… No"
"Do… do you want to learn to how be any other way- to be without her?"
"No"
"Then that's why we're still here. We're both stupid."
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"Laz they know… they know"
"I know"
"So… what? Do we end this?"
"End what?"
"Whatever this is between us. We stop seeing each other"
"Rowena"
"Salazar"
"Rowena"
The ebony haired beauty stopped in her tracks. What were they anyway? They didn't hug, or kiss, or screw around. They just met every other day in the same old drama room for as long as they could after school. It could have been 5 minutes some days and 3 hours the others. She couldn't even remember how it began to be routine. Just one day she was sitting in the room doing homework and he came in. Instead of sitting as far away from her he chose the seat opposite her. He didn't know why he did it- maybe he was lonely- being at the top of the food chain often left him wondering who his true friends were. Rowena never asked him to move away but she kept working and he kept sitting there. Until she looked up and smiled at him.
It was her first real smile, a smile she felt come from her entire being in over two years. He started to feel less lonely. She was there the next day and so was he- for the last year they continued on this pattern. However their innocent looks turned into looks of desire and need, their shy welcoming smiles soon became ones of fulfilment and joy, their innocuous accidental touches evolving into purpose filled caresses. Nothing more than that- but at the same time it was everything. It meant more to them than they cared to admit, that these small meetings meant more than their actual romances.
"What Salazar? What? What can you say to me that makes me less of a whore right now? That I'm not stealing time away from both Helga and Godric by meeting you here all the time, by thinking of you all the time?" she practically begged her not-quite lover.
"Nothing," he mumbled, "There is nothing I can say to make you feel better or any less to blame for what is happening in here. But I can't stop this Ro, I can't let you go- I won't. If your testosterone filled boyfriend wants to challenge me to a fight then I'll fight, If you want me to call you a Saint I will, if you want-"
"If I asked you to break up with Helga?"
"I won't"
Rowena let out a shaky sigh and looked at the floor slowly blinking to gain the focus back to her eyes. Wordlessly she reached for her book bag and hoisted it up to her shoulders and walked towards to door making sure her eyes never look back into his coal depths,
"I…I won't hurt anymore people Salazar. I won't be here again."
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Rowena tried to keep her eyes open but was fighting an uphill battle- she was exhausted mentally and physically and she was tired of fighting. Turning on her side she allowed Godric's strong arms wrap around her, his warm sweat slicked stomach forming against her back. He tenderly kissed her temple and down her neck and lightly nipped at her exposed shoulder eliciting a small sleepy moan of pleasure from her.
"Tired already Ro? Don't feel like going for a second round then?" he teased as he rubbed a hand up and down her belly.
"Mmmm no, sorry baby really had a bad day at school today and a pile of homework and studying I need to catch up on-"
Godric chuckled into her crazy hair and squeezed her tightly against him relishing the feel of her smaller body in his arms. Even if it's only for now.
"I understand Ro, I always have"
Don't leave me.
She stiffened in his arms and slowly turned around to face him, Rowena placed her hands on his face trying to memorise the strength of his jaw, the cleft in his chin, the twin dimples so heavily embedded in each cheek. The superficial sprinkling of freckles on his nose and the healthy tan of his skin on his face, his neck and torso- all the way down to his hips. He was so beautiful and she was hurting him and he let her.
"I know you have. That's all you ever are. Why… why don't you hate me? How can you not hate me? I hate me!" she sobbed, still tracing his body with her trembling fingertips. Godric stole both her hands into his bigger one and brought them up to his mouth where he placed chaste kisses on each tip and knuckle.
"I don't know. I ask myself why I can't hate you, why I can't leave you behind… I have no answers Ro. It is what it is and I'll take what I can get for as long as I can get," he answered in hushed tones.
"No- NO!" she cried beating her hands across his chest. He didn't stop her.
"Yeah. Stupid huh," he sniffed feeling his eyes start to cloud. Crying girls was always his weakness.
"NO! Not good enough. I… I won't let that happen. Break up with me, throw me aside…I- I'm not enough. It's not enough" her nails bit into his skin leaving furious marks in her wake. "What is wrong with you guys… why don't you let me go?"
Godric pulled Rowena up by her wrists until she was kneeling on his bed in front of him, moving his legs to curl around her he braced her within the confines of his body,
"If we could let you go Rowena we would. I've thought about it a thousand times. Every time you disappeared, every time your thoughts drifted away I wanted to scream 'Fuck you!' but I didn't. I never thought I'd want to put my hands against a woman so bad- to slap you across your mouth- but I didn't… I won't. You're all I ever dreamed about Ro, all I ever wanted. So if it takes a small detour where you are unsure about me for us to get through this, I'll grin and bear it. I'll hold you; I'll support you, fuck you and love you for as long as I can. I mean it."
"I- I do love you, you know" she spoke into his chest, her lips gently tickling the skin there. "Even- even if I'm not 100% happy right now- I do love you… and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
"I know Ro, I know."
Maybe it could be enough.
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Helga pulled herself away from the covers and swung her legs to side to dangle off the bed. Scrounging around on the floor with her feet in the dark for her discarded underwear, she made no move to cover her body. Behind her Salazar sat up against the dark mahogany headboard of his traditional four-poster bed with one knee propped up with his arm resting on top.
"I never did anything with her you know," he said not really looking at her. "I met up with her a lot but we never even kissed. But I guess that doesn't make it any better"
"I know… and no it doesn't" she found her bra and hooked it over her arms and fastened the clips. She spun around and sat cross-legged at the foot of the bed watching her boyfriend closely. "I've known all this time Laz, all this time and I've been waiting for this conversation. I just want to know how it ends is all- do I say 'OK' or do I say 'Goodbye'?"
The dark haired teen sighed ambiguously and he waited for minutes to tick by before responding to blonde.
"OK"
Helga released a breath she didn't know she was holding in. That was what she wanted to hear. It meant that she could finally have a chance; it meant that all that effort and love of her part was never a waste and that finally, finally they could be together. Crawling over his extended leg she leaned forward to meet his lips in a brief sweet kiss.
"OK."
It had to be enough.
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She wished that he never forgave her.
He wished that she never forgot.
They wished that it was all over- but they knew, they all knew it wasn't.
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"You're here"
"So are you"
"Why?"
"Because I didn't think you would be"
"Does he know that you're here?"
"Does she?"
Silence.
"Will you break up with her?"
"Will he let you go?"
Deafening. The silence is deafening.
"They deserve better. They deserve more"
"Don't we?"
Yes.
"No"
"We do, Rowena, we all do."
Salazar closed the space between them and reached out to touch the loose braid hanging over her left shoulder. Lifting the heavy book bag off her shoulder he let it drop to floor with a thud as he massaged the abused muscles that lay underneath. His other hand clasped around her neck none to gently, firm and possessive, his thumb traced the sensitive skin along her windpipe while his other fingers tangled themselves within the hair at the base of her scalp- and he squeezed. Air left her throat at the light pressure of his palms, forcing her lips to part and her head to knock back. Salazar pounced on his opening and feathered his lips against hers, moisture slowly building up from their hesitant open-mouthed strokes. Their breaths mingled as they awkwardly navigated around each other's mouths and tongues- their bodies stiff with nerves and guilt.
They couldn't go back. They couldn't go back to pretending they weren't doing anything truly bad. Their lies (lying, always lying to themselves!) had finally caught up to them.
No more.
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The day Godric and Rowena broke up the whole school buzzed with gossip; their golden couple who could do no wrong were suddenly done. No public break up or screaming matches, no melodrama and theatrics or cries for attention and pity. It was just over and the two parted ways as amicably as possible. No more pretty yearbook photos, no more walking down the halls as the dream team. Done.
The day Salazar and Helga broke up the whole school went quiet- shock that it took that long before either of them had had enough of each other. Suddenly Helga was eating with the other cheerleaders again and only packing enough for one and the class president was back to eating alone in his office. Done.
But this was high school- not a fairy tale. People hurt all the time, break up and make up- gossip and bitch- punch, spit and kick. People, good people like Godric and Helga get used and left behind. Trying to mend their broken pieces up with super glue but only manage to get their fingers stuck together. But this was high school. And the hurt move on.
People- the others- lost interest and quickly. No one cared anymore.
Then one day Rowena and Salazar started dating and people just watched. The pretty, popular girl with the stoic leader- it made sense. It fit. It worked. They didn't hold hands down the halls or pose for pictures together. They didn't feed each other lunch or make loving eyes at one another- but they were complete and they were happy.
Actually happy.
Suddenly fairy tales could happen- in a completely messed up, mind-fuck kind of way; but they could happen. They had a toxic tale but it was theirs and it was real. It was… their own happily ever after. That was enough.