This will be part one of a three part series marking the upcoming end of these little drabbles. There will be these three plus one final "summation" drabble finishing up with 12 chapters in total- it'll be a bittersweet time when I can finally mark this story as complete. Happy that I finished it and super sad that it's done… ah finality, you are a harsh mistress.

00000

Dearest Laz

No

Dear Slytherin

Not right either

To Salazar,

This will be the 953rd letter I have written to you and failed to send since the day you left me all those years ago. Each letter filled with words of anger, sadness and longing but they were also filled with joy, pride and yes- love.

Where to start this letter…the school- oh it is thriving Salazar. It's always growing, every year, we add new halls and rooms to accommodate the new students flocking to join. The magic of our world will grow to be strong and we will have helped in its growth- yes even you. There would have been no Hogwarts without you.

Your students missed you, you know. They bloody pestered us for weeks after you left about where you went and why you never properly said goodbye. We told them you left due to personal reasons regarding your family and that you wished them all the best and that you missed them too. The others didn't know if that last part was the truth but I did; I saw you when you taught them Salazar and you could never hide the immense pride you felt. It was a joy to watch you teach, such dedication and knowledge just ebbing and flowing out of you so naturally it was breathtaking to witness. It was heartbreaking to live without. Not just for me, but for your students. Even one Hufflepuff girl told me she missed your presence in the school. A Hufflepuff girl.

As crazy as it may to believe I've gotten along fine without you; not perfect mind you but fine. I had Helga to cry to every night until I had no more tears left in me and after that she sat by my bed for months after making sure my teacup was never empty and my ear full of mindless fluffy chatter. I know you were never overly fond of the woman but she was a true friend to me in those times when you weren't. She was always there to help me. She was always there.

…And I had Godric… well I had Godric.

He is an amazing man, a fact that you wouldn't be too surprised about seeing as he was your friend first, so resilient and fierce. He kept this school working with almost little to no help from Helga or I for the better part of a year. Tending to the school grounds, hiring new staff and insuring the children were taken care of properly. He looked after them so well Salazar, he looked after us all so well. I will never be able to repay him and I will never be free of this debt.

It took me far too long to see what one of your main quarrels were with him- it was never just about the Muggle-borns was it? Of course not. A part of it was because of me… right? I never noticed the way he looked at me you know. I never saw him or how he felt or what he thought. I only saw you; and therein lay the problem. I was so thoroughly blinded by you and what we had I never saw anything else, so I stupidly thought that I could help fix whatever problems came our way. The joys of ignorant, arrogant youth.

He is a patient man, Godric, so calm and gentle with me- always.

He never rushed me or pressured me, never ran into the arms of another woman to bide the time or try to rush my hand. He would watch over my…our… daughter's crib while I slept with no ill-intent except to try and help out an innocent child… he would be the first one there beside me when I woke up crying out your name.

It would be years more before I could admit that I began to see him- that I began to understand that I… that I… it's not important. He was there, is there for me- for us- and for that alone you should be grateful to have known him. Should you ever meet again you should say thanks, prostrate down on your knees and beg for him to accept your gratitude. He is the Saint to your Sinner.

Surely you would have heard tale of your daughter by now, wherever it is you are, she is a wonderful child- a wonderful lady now. So bright and intelligent; even as a babe I knew she would be my light and salvation. That's why I named her Helena- she would have been the sparkle in your eye Salazar. She looks a lot like you, Helga scoffs every time I say that but she does. She has my hair and my colouring yes but when I look into those eyes I see you. Helena… Helena has more ambition that I ever dreamed of having. She is brilliant, strong and wilful and she… she's gone too.

She's gone too. Oh by the Gods above she's gone and I don't know where.

She just up and took it and decided to run away. What is it with you Slytherin's and your damned ambition- is it always worth what you leave in your wake? Is it always worth what you leave?

What is it about you Slytherin's that makes it so easy for you to leave me? I loved you both with all my heart, all that I am and… it's never enough for either of you. I freely gave away my devotion and my time, my hopes and my dreams and both of you- you both break me. Again and again, over time and distance you both break me.

I was there for every moment of her life. Her birth was the most agonising thing I have ever had to do. There was so much blood Salazar, I thought she was splitting me in two! But Helga held my hand and Godric held me from behind and muttered encouraging things in my ears. I changed her first diaper- I cried all the way through it. Even now I don't know if it was because I was happy or if it was because I wished it was you doing it. Because I missed you. I wanted you there. You should have dealt with that disgusting diaper and not me. You think I'm joking but I'm not. It was gross as hell. I was physically exhausted, emotionally strained and alone- I shouldn't have been. You should have been there. Changing her diaper.

You missed out on so much! Her first tooth, her first word (it was Mama), her first scraped knee… the first time she asked where you were. Who you were. I never lied; I said that although you may have wanted to be with her- you weren't strong enough to stay for her.

I defy you to challenge that statement.

I must have something wrong with me- I just must be that person that people walk away from.

This is ridiculous. I don't even know what motivated me to write this damned thing, I never send these anyway and here I am wasting my time doing this spilling my metaphorical guts out…

I'm-

I'm sick. Very, very sick- no healer can tell me what's wrong and thus how to fix it. I ache everywhere and I'm constantly tired. So tired. I attempted to help teach transfiguration last month and I fainted in the middle of class. I have been confined to bed since then.

I'm not going to get better. There I finally said it. Everyone keeps trying to tell me that I'll be fine and that it's just something that will get better with time. I don't think I have much time left. Maybe I don't want there to be much time left. I think I'm just being a pessimistic old woman. I just want to see her one last time, to tell her I'm not angry or disappointed. I'm sorry for all the lost time and misconceptions. I'm sorry if I was a bad mother. I did my best.

It hurts to hold this quill, I'm utterly surprised I've managed to write a letter this long- the last five letters to you were simply "Never again" or "Don't come back" or my favourite (I've written this particular letter over 22 times) "Why".

I do not think that I'll be able conjure up any magic to even burn this letter and I certainly can not get up to burn it in the fire- so maybe I'll just leave it here, between the fetid pages of this book I've been reading. Maybe if I'm lucky some hapless person will come by it and wonder who it was for and why the person writing it was so completely and hopelessly pathetic and burn it for me… and if I'm not, Helena will find this and hate me even more. If that was the case, my darling daughter- I'm sorry again.

I do not… can not go on for much longer, I've asked one of Helena's suitors to go look for her and it's been three months already- will I never see her again?

Will I truly never see you again?

Do you think there's a chance that when I die, I'll be able to find you? Will you be able to see me? Will you pretend to not see me? Will I be able to pretend that I don't care?

I think I just heard you whisper 'No.'

I'm delusional.

You don't care. You're not here. You'll never be here again… be my Laz again.

And I'll be gone, I'll be the one leaving this time.

This will be the 953rd letter I've written to you since the day you left me all those years ago, and time willing and death take me- it has to be my last.

Kindly

No

Sincerely

No

Forever,

Rowena

Ro