Chapter Two: No Friggin' Way
Inuyasha sat on 'That gray thing out there! The friggin' sidewalk!', as Carl had loudly instructed before running inside his house and slamming door shut, leaving a trail of wet grass in his wake.
The infamous flaxen-haired mutt was cross-legged, his arms folded in, his hands swallowed up by his lengthy, spacious sleeves. The peculiar smell from earlier assaulted his nose and he cringed. "What in the hell is that!" he asked, looking around angrily.
A ball of meat rolled up to him and touched his leg, scaring him.
"Uwaa!" screamed Inu-kun, his face doing that anime thing where they look surprised like with big eyes etc.
"Hey," Meatwad said casually.
"You're alive?" Inu asked. "Are you some kind of demon, made of up stray bits of rotting flesh?"
Meatwad blinked vapidly. "Um... should I say yes?"
"It doesn't matter," Inu sighed, figuring this small thing to be no threat.
"Okay, then yes. I am what you say," Meatwad said with profound certainty.
Inu-kun rolled his eyes. "So, ah... what do you want?"
Meatwad got a stern look. "Boy, I came to tell you, stay offa this here yard, 'cause the mailman, his name's Jim by the way, real nice fellow, Jim said he ain't bringin' the mail anymore if we got any 'weird folks' sittin' on the lawn. And I NEED that mail. I just got out of college and I'm waiting for lots of job offers to be rolling in. And I just won't get it without the mail. I heard about this email stuff, but shoot, my computer's not internet-ready, mostly because I don't know what internet is. Also I don't really have a computer. Frylock says it's a calcugator and that Master Shake isn't really getting MP3s with it. 'Cause I'll tell ya, I want them MP-"
"Shut up already!" Inuyasha yelled. "I don't even know what you're talking about. Plus Carl told me to wait for him here. He's gonna get ready then we're going to a 'club'. I'm really excited, so I'm not leaving this spot." He crossed his arms and turned his head. "Now kindly get the hell away from me, you smell of death!"
Meatwad slithered back inside, and time passed. A mailman came by, a skinny, nervous man, who saw Inuyasha sitting and promptly threw the mail on the grass before half-running away.
A bit later, Master Shake came outside, opening the mailbox then looking down at his mail on the ground.
"I can't believe this," he said to himself. "The mail goes IN the box! I will get on the internet and complain about this town's postal service on the message groups. The machine gods will hear and they will not be pleased. Ohh, no, they will... hm..." his rant trailed off as he flipped through the mail.
"12 CDs for 99 cents? What the hell kind of deal is that? On the internet, which is where I work, I get free music all I want in my email. In MP3s. From my friends Metallica. And I get all the songs from their CDs that aren't even out yet."
"What is this internet you freakish things keep driveling about?" Inu asked, still sitting on the same spot.
"Who are you?" Shake asked. "No, you know what? I'll tell you who you are. You are a bum. And bums are afraid of the internet. I'll give you till the count of five before I go get a broom and chase you off my property, you hear me?"
"I'm no bum, pal. I'm a half-demon, and if you try and make me move, I'll tear you in two."
"Demon!" Shake gasped. "Well I'll have you know I am a champion of justice! And my friend Frylock will be honored to destroy you so I don't have to." He edged his way slowly backwards to the house as he talked.
"HALF-demon," Inu corrected. "And unless you cross me, you don't have to worry about me attacking you, alright?"
"You think your lies will affect me? I am too strong for you! I... FRYLOCK!" He banged on the door. "GET OUT HERE AND BLAST HIM!"
Frylock cracked open the door and peered out at Shake. "If it's about those Jehova's Witnesses, I already told you Shake, you just have to politely ask them to - what the... do I detect DEMON blood in the air?"
"YES!" howled Shake, trying to slip in the doorway. "While you were telling me your life story, I was trying to tell you there's a demon and he wants to eat my eyes!"
"Alright, I'll deal with this," Frylock sighed, drifting outside as Shake ran in.
"Yes! You should, because I, you know, don't feel like... exposing Meatwad to... the, uh, demonic... blow him back to hell!" Shake slammed the door and Frylock approached Inuyasha.
"Hello. We really don't want you eating our eyes, so if you could leave peacefully, we'd-"
"I don't want to eat some giant drink's eyes," Inu snapped. "I'm waiting for Carl."
"Oh, I see. Shake has a way of mixing things up. So tell me, what kind of demon are you?"
"I'm a half inu-youkai, a dog-demon," Inu-kun explained.
"Interesting," Frylock replied. "According to what I've read, your kind existed in feudal Japan hundreds of years ago, although I always took it as myths."
"Yeah, well I'm not a myth, alright? Now go away!"
"Is something wrong? Have I offended you?"
"I'm just... worried about Carl," he muttered. "He said he had to take a bath, but I thought that's what he was doing when I found him. Bathing with clothes on... he seems shy."
"Right..." Frylock agreed. "And how long ago was this?"
"Oh, a couple of hours. But I don't mind. I have nothing else to do in this era."
Frylock quirked a brow. "This era...? Are you a time-traveler?"
Inu nodded. "Why?"
Frylock shook his head. "Oh, it's nothing. Look, I really have to go take care of some things, what was your name again?"
"Inuyasha. And you're Frylock, I heard that much."
"Yes, well, I'd like to talk to you more later, if I can."
"I dunno about that. Carl and I are going out together when he's done."
"Well, some other time maybe," Frylock said as he floated back into the house.
"Is he dead?" Shake asked hopefully from the TV chair.
"No. I'm not going to kill him, Shake. He's an intelligent and peaceful being."
"He said he'd kill me!" Shake whined.
"He said that to me too," Meatwad said. "Or at least he said... stray flesh... demon... something along them lines."
"Do you hear this!" Shake yelled at Frylock. "Has your heart turned to stone, o savior?"
"This is ridiculous!" said Frylock. "He hasn't done a damn thing, Shake!"
"He bought you!" Shake yelled dramatically. "With his blood money! What was it, Frylock? Cash? MP3 players? ...Babes?"
Frylock sighed and shook his head, leaving the room.
"It was babes, wasn't it!" Shake called after him. "Is it too late for him to buy me off with babes too?"
Realizing Frylock was gone, Shake looked to Meatwad. "Is he still out there?"
"You know it," Meatwad said in a frustrated tone, lifting himself and peering out the window to see a bush, which he interpreted to be Inuyasha despite its shape and color. "It burns me up seein' him out there like that. That boy's chasin' our mail off! Jim didn't bring us nothin' today!"
"Yeah, that's right, we didn't get our mail," Shake agreed, having thrown it all away. "And it was just bills anyway, and some things for you."
Meatwad sank back to the floor. "Yeah... wait, what?"
"I said, go get rid of that guy. He likes you best so far."
"For real?"
"Yes, seriously. Would I lie? He said, I'll eat you, Shake, but that Meatball's not so bad. He said it. Now, go ask him nicely to leave."
"Nuh-uh, boy, I ain't doin' it."
Shake wallowed around in his chair. "Uggggghhhh... Fine, then. We'll ALL be miserable, because YOU won't do this."
Time passed
Frylock was peering out the window, still seeing Inuyasha waiting outside, his hair glowing in the soft, gentle light of the first star of the evening. "I think we should go talk to Carl about him."
Shake hadn't gotten out of his chair all day. "I think you should use your weird magic to turn him into ant food, but hey, I guess everyone's got an opinion on this, huh?"
Meatwad looked between the two and added, "I think we oughta do whatever we gotta do to get our mail coming."
"I said everyone HAS an opinion," Shake barked. "I didn't say I wanted to hear yours."
"Shut the hell up, Shake! ...Alright, I'm going to go talk to Carl so that maybe we can end this whole mess."
"Great. I'll be holding the fort here," Shake said peacefully as he flipped channels.
Frylock went outside and floated over to Carl's house, knocking on the door. "Carl? You home, man?"
Carl was sitting on his couch watching TV. The lights were off and his curtains were closed. "Yeah, that's right. Knock all day, ya weirdos. Carl ain't goin' nowhere."
"Carl!" Frylock said, much more loudly, which clued Carl in to the fact that the door was now open.
"Wha-wha-whaddaya want!" Carl asked in horror. "I swear I'll call the cops on you. Oh, it's you, Fry-man. I thought we had that talk, you know, last week? About the whole breaking and entering thing?"
"Carl, I was worried," Frylock explained, staying near the door. "You left your friend sitting outside all day. Just making sure you're okay, buddy."
"Yeah, well I'm okay. So show yourself out, and uh, while you're at it, weld the door shut with your fire from the sky 'cause I think I'm just gonna stay in here till the world ends."
Frylock floated over next to Carl. "Look, Carl, you really need to set this guy straight out here. He thinks he's waiting for you."
"Oh, I wish I COULD set him straight, eheheh, lemme tell ya. Yeah, no, he's waiting for me all right, it's just he's gonna still be waitin' after I'm dead."
"Carl. That's rude! He's a nice guy, and it sounds like you two made plans together."
"Yeah, it sounded that way too, till he scared the living hell out of me." Carl stood up and held his hands out, his fingers locked tightly into curls. He spoke more quietly like he was telling a secret. "Listen, Fry-man, that cowboy, he's shootin' sideways."
Frylock squinted a bit. "I don't think I know what you mean."
Carl rubbed his head. "When a cowboy shoots his gun sideways, you know what he hits?"
"I don't know, I-"
"ANOTHER COWBOY. IN THE FRIGGIN' ASS. You see what I'm saying!"
"Oh. You mean he's gay?"
"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. And Carl don't swing that way. So he can, you know, starve to death, right over there where he is, and when the rain comes it'll sweep him over into the gutter and he'll wash away. Like I wish all my problems would. Hell, why don't you 'round up Shake and the little Meatwad there and the aliens and the zombies and the friggin' robots and all sit out there like that guy. And all starve to death."
"Carl, I don't think you understand. He's a demon."
Carl's eyes went wide. "Oh, you're freakin' kidding me. What, is he gonna take my soul or somethin'?"
"No, no. I guess I should say he's a half-demon. Anyway, he's stronger than he looks, and if you make him mad I think bad things are going to happen to you. So maybe you should go get a blanket and something warm to drink and go be nice to him and set him straight on this whole 'gay' thing."
Carl sneered. "How about if I did that I'd be gay too? Do I look like your grandmother, Fry-man? No, don't answer that. Do I look like a normal person's grandmother? You think I go out there and tell the Devil's Helper that I don't wanna wear his saddle? Maybe I bring him some cookies too. Yeah, this plan sucks. How about you do that, and I nail some boards to my doors and windows?"
"He seems like he's got a temper," Frylock insisted. "He's controlling it now, but if he gets upset, no boards or locks are gonna stop him from getting what he wants."
"You know, at that point you'd think I'd change my mind, but no, I think I'll just keep my money on the whole 'sit there and starve to death' ticket."
"Well fine, Carl. I tried to make this work, but we don't want that guy sitting by our mailbox for the rest of our lives, so if you won't explain it to him, I'll go tell him! I'll tell him everything you said and point him right at your house. You know, Inu-Youkai are known for slaughtering entire towns in their rage."
Carl gulped and wiped sweat from his face. "Aw, jeez. Fine. I'll take him to a freakin' club already. But I am bringing a goddamn gun and if he so much as TOUCHES me I am shooting to kill."
"Alright. I'll let you take care of that. Goodnight." Frylock hovered out the door.
Hopping to his feet, Carl followed him. "H-h-hey, hold on a second. You guys are comin' too, right?"
"Us? It's awfully late for Meatwad to be out. Besides, Shake doesn't really like Inuyasha much, and I-"
"I'll friggin' pay you," Carl added desperately.
"Deal," Frylock said.
"Okay, thank you," Carl mumbled softly as he glanced outside. There was Inuyasha, and suddenly Inu-kun's head lifted! His glittering yellow eyes met Carl's.
"Jesus son of Mary," Carl said in a haunted voice. "Uh, h-hey there buddy!"
"Carl!" Inu shrieked, lifting to his feet and walking over to the man. "I was worried about you. What took you so long?"
He looked around and fumbled his mouth as he thought. "Oh, I, uh, had to, you know, ...do my taxes."
"Do them? You mean pay them?" Inu asked, the difference in their times and cultures obvious.
"Uh, yeah, exactly. So, uh, I was talkin' to my friend Frylock there, and we're workin' it out to get our club on to-night! So, uh, of course you're still invited."
Inu beamed a bright smile. "Of course! I want to see what the future people do for fun."
Carl faked a smile back. "Oh, yeah! The future people! I mean, whatever? We're all gonna die sooner or later. The future people are great, there."
"Okay, Carl, I talked them into it," Frylock called out as he and the other Aqua Teens approached.
"When you say 'pay', you better not mean that jar of change in your bedroom, because I am NOT counting that," Shake said.
"Oh, those guys are coming?" Inu-kun said grouchily.
"How we getting there?" Frylock asked. "We could take the Danger Cart."
Carl shook his head. "No, you know what? How about you leave in that wagon thing now, and I'll leave tomorrow, and we'll get there the same freakin' time."
Inuyasha-kun looked confused. "We're going tomorrow? Then I guess I'll stay at your place tonight, Carl."
A look of horror hit Carl's face and he rushed to his car, swinging a couple doors open. "Oh my god... Okay, let's go! Right now! Get your slimy this's and that's in my goddamn car and let's go to The Lounge! And don't hold back, smear your grossness on there real good, cause I'm gonna burn the damn interior after this anyway."
Everyone piled in and, with weight on his shoulders and dread in his eyes, Carl got behind the wheel and turned the key.
-And so ended Chapter Two of the epic love story, 'My Jersey Boy'-
Author Note Thingy:
First and Foremost, thanks to my reviewers. I considered writing more, but also considered what my friends would do to me if I did. I have been punched and yelled at for this story, as I well deserved. Anyhow, yeah, it was one of my 'back burner' projects, which get about as much attention as my 'front burner' projects, i.e. none.
When I saw all these reviews, though, I KNEW I had to write more. I have... a following! Honestly, "to be continued" was more of an idle threat - sort of like a launch button for a nuclear missile which I never planned on pressing.
To all haters, I understand your feelings. Let the flames flow if it sooths your inner turmoil. I will take your burden. I will be your healing hands. Let us all love one another forever and ever. Amen. ...Wait, what was I talking about?
Thanks to all who liked chapter one, I'm glad I wrote decent ATHF-style dialogue. It was... er, my first time. Suffice to say I wasn't especially impressed with most of the other ATHF fics on here and I wanted to try and raise the bar. Glad some of you enjoyed said bar-raising.
I usually never do this, since I don't GET questions, but here are some answers to your questions/comments.
peeps: I actually have never smoked pot, although I have been accused a good number of times. There are a multitude of theories about how my brain naturally produces it or whatnot. I suppose this would explain where I get these ideas.
Sephulbadis: If there were room for a Pope of Funny in this world, there'd be room for my own makeshift b/s religions as well and I wouldn't have time for yours. I appreciate it, though.
YORUnoKOE: 'Poor little' Inuyasha is quite possibly the happiest character in this story, in spite of any trials he may endure in his quest for love.
Els-chan: Maybe, but you don't really mean that.
blah: ...I actually didn't consciously/intentionally put a single piece of innuendo in chapter one. Sorry for you either way. And I don't even know what a vole implies, so maybe I am one.
The Master Flamer: I don't mind being flamed, but you are no master. Step down and recognize, son.
And, that's it. Drop me a Review if you feel the need, 'cause I sure do like 'em.