Final Part of the Words series.
This one is undoubtedly the wordiest of the three, my apologies for the mini monster.
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Salazar stared down at the pallid, lifeless form lying prone and ever so still… so picturesque like a sleeping doll or a princess waiting for her prince to give her a magical kiss to wake her… or resurrect her. Her face was so full of splendour with her full pale lips, small dainty nose and long, long dark lashes that swept across the tops of her cheeks. She was beautiful. She was his. She was dead.
The first time he had ever had the courage to look upon his only child and she was dead. He had waited until all the mourners had left the room to walk up to the dais where two figures lay shrouded in rich silks and flowers threaded through their hair- he wanted to be alone with them. After all, it was their first time as a family and he wanted it to be special. A painful twist in his gut reminded him how sick that thought actually was and how this could never be his family and never was his family.
Oh but how they were. They truly were.
He stumbled back a few steps to really view his unmoving daughter, his would be princess, the maybe apple of his eye and the culmination of the love he and her mother had once felt. Helena was a striking beauty indeed. Tall and lithe like both of her parents- he believed that she would have been a sight to behold in all her graceful glory. A storm of brilliance to witness, quick in wit and sharp of tongue; she would have driven him crazy with the number of petulant suitors he would have had to fight off and dismember. She would have been daddy's little girl- would have followed him around the school like a lost pup or maybe would have begged to sit on his lap as he graded papers. He would relent and buy her as many sweets as she would ever have desired and stopped at frivolous market stalls to pick out which ribbons would look best in her mass of ebony locks. Straight and dark as the night sky- just like mine.
Salazar's throat constricted and he felt a dry coarse ball rise up and hold threatening to gag him and felt the tears begin to form in the back of his eyes. She would have been the perfect mix of him and Rowena, all fire and spirit yet calm and bright. He would have given his life to return hers if any of the Gods bothered to listen but seeing as they never deemed him worthy of listening to before he didn't even try. Hesitantly he brought up his shaking hands and let them rest on the sides of her face; so cold and smooth like touching the face of a marble statue, he felt his heart earn yet another crack. Letting his thumbs run up the planes of her high cheekbones up to her hairline where he laced his fingers through her dark mane- hair so fine it felt like silk on his skin… he felt wretched. Like he was somehow befouling her by touching her like she would be denied passage into heaven now he was touching her. He quickly released her looking as if he had been burnt and stood up rigidly with his shoulders out and proud attempting to- but failing to- regain his composure.
He could do this.
He had to.
Pivoting his heel he slowly turned to face the one person in his life he never wanted to see so still, his last and only reason for being- his only love. Even with the grey hairs that mingled with the darker strands and the lines that marred her once porcelain smooth face she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. Even the ethereal beauty of the Veela paled in comparison to how she shone in his eyes. Bluish bruises stained the skin under her eyes and she was much too thin for her frame but even with the obvious sickness that ravaged her body she was still his Ro. He could still see her smiling up at him carefree as a child, feel her breath tickling his ear as she waited patiently for him to finish working on a new potion… feel the warmth of her skin under his fingertips.
Salazar could feel his knees begin to buckle and strain under his heaving form, the hard thud of his aging knees on the floor did not surprise him or even offer any pain to numb the onslaught of agony that exploded within his chest. His breaths were coming shorter and were to be harder to find, placing his hands on the ground to help steady himself he forced his body to greedily gulp in as much air as he was able. The world was spinning and a rush of bile was teetering at the edge of his throat ready to come out but he managed to stall it- to breathe- one… two… three… keep breathing.
…Gods I don't want to.
Twisting his body so he could sit upright with his back leaning against the podium on which his beloved lay he angrily swiped at the salty tears that gathered on his lashes, his sudden and brash movements jarring the stone- even in death he was still the cause of all upheaval around her. Rowena's left hand, previously tucked together on her stomach was now dangling listlessly beside his head almost taunting him.
He gently took the smaller hand into his and held the side of his head with it- even in death he still tried to steal whatever comfort he could find from her. He truly was a heartless man and he would never deserve her, no matter how many good deeds he performed or how many lives he would live. But he didn't care- he was there now. There, but late. He was always late.
Pressing light kisses into her frozen palm he allowed more tears to come crashing down only to fall into her waiting fingertips. Salazar tightened his grip on her hand, not caring if it would leave a mark on her corpse he wanted to feel something, even if it was the crunching of her bones under his grasp. Maybe if he squeezed hard enough she'd awaken and yell at him to be more careful with her… how he longed to hear her yell at him… anything.
Please don't be dead Ro… please.
Reaching into the pockets of his forest green travelling cloak for a handkerchief he instead felt the crinkling of some parchment under his hands. Three letters all well read and smudged with tea stains and tears, with frayed sides and slightly dog-eared corners fell unceremoniously to the floor. He didn't need to peruse over them with his old eyes to know what they held- he committed them to memory. He could recite them verbatim- he had little else to do but read and re-read them- because he didn't believe them. Not when Rowena said she was sick and that their daughter had stolen something and ran away and not when Godric said his daughter was murdered and Rowena died out of grief. It wasn't true and all their words were false; an irreparably cruel joke that they were playing on him to hurt him as much as he must have hurt them. It worked. Oh by the Gods in heaven and hell did it hurt.
More painful than his mother dying, more painful than knowing your father would rather be dead with his wife than alive with his son and yes; even more painful than when he said goodbye forever to the love of his life and his unborn heir… his daughter.
In the back of his head he always thought that one day he'd wake up and the past decades of his life were nothing but a terrible dream and that he would be in the arms of his lover- no, his wife- and he'd be able to get up and check on their daughter and chase away any bad dreams she may have been having. That the life he had led had been the fantasy and the dreams he had at night were the reality.
So cruel and so utterly, crushingly painful.
Relinquishing Rowena's hand he picked up the letters and shuffled through them slowly. First was Rowena's soft cursive script, the second was Godric's rushed scrawl and third… third was…
"Do you know," he began giving his dry mouth a chance to remember how to form words, "that I wrote you 1226 letters Ro? No I guess you don't what a horribly asinine question. My apologies." His greying brow furrowed in a shame he couldn't explain as his hand tensed around the final letter, trying to make up his mind about what he would do next.
"You'd think that this would be easier right? It's not like you can even hear me anymore- to tell me what you think of my stupidity right? So I should just say what I want and be done with it… maybe I should not even do that but just say goodbye and leave- that would be the wisest thing to do," moving up and shifting his centre of gravity as if he was about to rise he stopped and dropped back down in a pathetic heap, right back to where he started. "But I was never wise was I Ro? At least, never as wise as I thought I was."
He looked back down at his hands, now bonier and littered with lines and greying skin and more importantly the crinkled letter within his clutches. He had made up his mind.
"I was given the opportunity to know your last thoughts my dearest Rowena, please, just in this moment, please allow me to offer you some of mine." He unfolded the light brown paper in his hands and cleared his throat again, " Dearest Rowena…"
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Dearest Rowena
You're not dead. You can't be dead, you are still alive and this is some horrible comeuppance for my misdeeds towards you and our child. I'm an unforgivable bastard, I get it- but was this necessary? As cold hearted as you may believe I am the idea of either of you being needlessly hurt or gone is unbearable. Unthinkable. Unbelievable.
So you can't be dead. You're not.
… but I know you are. I know you are. You're dead. You both are. You're both gone and I can't-
I can't follow where you went.
You were always the good one and even if I took my own life I'd end up in Hell or Tartarus or Oblivion- Gods know where- always so far away from you. I never end up with you no matter what I do.
But Ro- can I tell you a secret? I dream of an ending where I do end up with you- I dream about it every night. Sometimes I dream about it when I'm awake. It's a good dream.
We'd wake up- sore and tired because we're so much older now- get ready in silence as we passed each other the brush, the mint water to rinse our mouths with, the other's missing shoe… we'd head down to the Great Hall and break fast with the other Professors and students and await a familiar looking owl with its daily message from Helena saying that she's fine and that she'll see us soon after her honeymoon is over. We'd teach classes, see each other down the halls and maybe make some idle chit chat or remind the other do something menial like change the candles in the bedroom as they've melted down or maybe ask for an extra slice of that cake to be brought up to the room for us to eat once we've retired for the night. We'd crawl into bed then exhausted from the day's work but still find the energy to grade some more papers before muttering a half-hearted "g'night". Then you'd fall asleep on your back as you always do, soft snores coming out of your mouth as I turn away and sleep on my side trying to ignore the rise and fall of the sounds you make and fall into my own dream world.
But half way through the night I'd wake up from that dream world and remember that I didn't kiss you goodnight. So I'll face you again and softly kiss you on the lips and whisper another night-time endearment, maybe even a hushed confession of love depending on my mood and every night you'll wake up with me and say,
"About time old man. Better late than never- goodnight… I love you too"
Or sometimes I dream of Helena standing on my feet as I teach the girl how to dance- or I'm watching over the both of you as you demonstrate to Helena how to do a particularly hard wand movement for her transfiguration test. Or even me yelling at the young girl for raiding the class cupboards without permission to make a love potion.
I dream of you with your hair spread out wildly on the pillow and the irritating feeling of it against my neck while I sleep beside you. I see the secret smiles you hold for me as I watch you teach a class in the back row or from the doorway, the sweetness of your kisses haunts me at every turn and the taste is so vivid it's as if I never stopped kissing you.
I dream of you, of Helena and of me- all of us. Every night. Hell I even dream of Godric and that damned Hufflepuff woman sometimes. I dream of my family and the life that was meant to be mine every night, as if what I was seeing in my sleep was what the day may have actually been like if I had stayed there with you all. Sometimes I wake up and realise that I do not want to wake up anymore and that I want to stay in the sleeping world forever and just pretend for a little longer.
Just pretend that this isn't really my life.
That I didn't royally screw everyone and everything up.
That every choice that I made was the wrong one.
Well- apart from loving you. That is the one thing I know I did right- I may not have done it correctly but I know that I was meant to love you Rowena. I'm just so sorry that I didn't realise that that was all that mattered and nothing else, that everything else could have been fixed or forgotten. That my prejudice and pride and my ever so stubborn ways would do nothing but prove my eventual downfall as a person and elude me from the one thing in this world I ever really wanted- a whole life with you.
And I was the one that left. I was the one that gave up and gave into the fear of the unknown and in the end I was the one who was weak.
I will only ever have myself to blame for losing you and losing our life together- maybe that's why the Gods continue to curse me with this long life of mine. To let me ruminate over my cursed life and all the things I could have… should have done differently.
Oh Gods Ro- what have I done? Ro I'm so so sorr-
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"…-ry. I'm so so sorry my love."
Salazar lurched forward upon himself, his body heaped on the floor bent over in a defeated bow between his ex-lover and his only child. His tears poured out uncontrollably and streamed down the lines of his face, pooling at his chin and dripping onto the floor beneath him and onto the pages of their letters. Curling further into himself so that his knees touched the points of his elbows he began to wail, hoping the shield of his thighs and abdomen would swallow most of the sounds. No matter how loudly he screamed or how deep the noise came from within it would never replicate the sound his heart was making, the sound that his soul was making now being split over and over again. Nor would it ease the pain- it was only more room for more pain. Surely he would die from this, surely this older and frailer body would give way to his grief.
Never. You'll live with this grief. Live long and live alone.
Salazar didn't even know that he was pounding onto the cold stone floor until he noticed the dark specks of crimson that flitted over the now torn and ruined pages underneath him. Sitting back wearily on his haunches he sloppily gathered the pages together into an untidy pile with pages sticking out at odd ends and their order completely jumbled.
Wiping his eyes with the clean back of his hand he grabbed two pages that on top of the stack, blinking back as many tears as he could he tried to read the blood smudged words on the paper-
Say goodbye to the life you could have lived with her and her mother. Say goodbye… to the woman we both loved.
He didn't want to. This was too hard. This was wrong.
I'm delusional.
You don't care. You're not here. You'll never be here again… be my Laz again.
And I'll be gone, I'll be the one leaving this time.
This will be the 953rd letter I've written to you since the day you left me all those years ago, and time willing and death take me- it has to be my last.
Kindly
Sincerely
Forever,
Rowena
Ro
No. Please don't make me do this. Please let me wake up from this nightmare. I will not ask for anymore in my remaining years on this world- please let this all not be true.
I don't want to say goodbye again.
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Salazar's sorrow soon bested him as he collected the sheets from the floor and proceeded to shred them with the little energy he possessed. When all the pages of their letters had fallen he would pick up any larger pieces and begin to tear them apart, hoping that the remaining unspoken words of the rest of his letter that he penned would never be seen by anyone ever again, even by himself. His words were worthless, they were always hollow in comparison to the depth of his emotion and they were always said too late in the end. Picking himself up he flickered his wand to vanish away the remnants of the paper and shakily stepped towards Helena's body again.
His tired eyes raked over her still form and swallowing his terror he leant and finally placed that goodnight kiss on her brow he had always dreamed of doing. Brushing away errant tendrils of hair from her face he placed a second kiss on her cheek like he would have done if he were giving her away on her wedding day. Cupping her kissed cheek he sighed heavily as he drew whatever courage he could to speak,
"I am sorry that I wasn't the father you deserved. You had a great father in Godric but I will always regret not being the one you thought of as father, but please know Helena- you were always loved. I wanted you safe. I wanted you far from this darkness and ambition inside me. I wanted you to be loved… but even away from you my curse was placed upon you. I hope should we meet on the other side, that you find it in yourself to look at it through my perspective. I wasn't strong enough your mother was right and for that you suffered and I will never be able to make up for that- but if there is the goodness of your mother in you… maybe… do you think… that maybe we could learn about each other in the after life? And in time- maybe you could learn to forgive a stupid man his sins and… maybe… in time… You could call me father too."
Taking her idle hand within his he gave it a gentle squeeze when a glint on her neck caught his eye- there hanging on a fine golden chain lay his pendant. The pendant he had given Rowena when they first met, the pendant she wore religiously up until the day he left- there it hung upon his daughter's decollate. Rowena had given her the necklace as he had asked- there was always a part of him with Helena through the years.
A bittersweet feeling bubbled within him as he threw himself to the left where his beautiful ex-lover lay never moving. Tracing the tip of his nose from her forehead, down the bridge of her nose and across the outline of her cheek down to the nook of her neck- Salazar took a deep, desperate shuddering breath against her body.
Lavender. She always smells of lavender.
Salazar squeezed his eyes shut denying any more tears to fall upon his beloved, and pressed his lips against hers.
Oh just one last time…
It was still as sweet as he remembered, though her lips may have been quietened and her breath stolen from her- her kiss was still enough to bring him to his knees. He littered kisses over her cheeks and her temples before pressing his forehead against hers with his stormy eyes still closed.
"I will never stop saying sorry for all the pain I have caused you and our daughter Rowena. I will never be able to repay all the kindness Godric has shown upon me when he took up the position I was meant to fulfil, never return the love or the happiness he gave to you in my absence. But know my dear that I have never stopped wishing I were here with you, that I could overcome myself and be with you again. I never stopped wanting you; no woman could ever replace you in my lifetime or any lifetime. I never stopped loving you and I do not doubt that I will continue loving you from whatever cursed place I end up in eternity."
Taking a hand into his he laced his fingers with hers as he cradled her head against his and continued to whisper all the things he should have said long ago. Thumbing at her hairline and caressing her cheek with his own he fought the new oncoming wave of tears.
"If the Gods so see fit to let me be reborn into this world with you, I promise that I will right all the wrongs I have done to you and Helena. I will un-cry all the tears that you both have shed and double the laughter you experienced. I would be the man you both deserved… I … I would give you whole lives. As many whole lives as I could muster in one so you both would want for nothing and went to your deathbeds both very old and very contended women. I would be the man I wished I was strong enough to be."
Leaving a lingering kiss on the crown of her head Salazar straightened up and hesitantly back stepped away from the dais, his eyes never leaving the two women who left him behind.
"I was a better man for knowing you Rowena and a poorer man for never being a true father to you Helena. To my most precious of people, I am… I am sorry… and I love you both."
As he turned to leave after promising himself he wouldn't look back- if he did he'd never be able to leave- he halted unexpectedly while in mid-step. His heart had stopped beating in his chest and leapt up to lodge itself in the middle of his throat. His coal eyes widened in shock and his mouth became drier than any desert. A lone figure stood in the doorway and had seen Salazar at his most vulnerable, listened to his most heart felt of words and bore witness to the true extent of his feelings.
Clad in a deep lush green velvet gown with fine gold stitching- his most favourite of dresses he remembered- looking young and full and bright and radiant and … happy…
... He was lost for words
She turned away dejected and leant against the doorframe with her back facing him.
He found himself again.
Do not waste this chance like so many other chances Salazar. Do not waste this.
"I… I wont pretend that I don't see you Rowena… that I don't care. I do care. I am here. But you're gone, you will have to leave me behind and… and that's OK-… but you never did send that letter and… I'm sorry that I never sent any of mine- well, until today,"
He watched as her transparent form faced him again but instead of fury or misery or confusion on her face was- calm. Acceptance.
My little Ravenclaw- always so fierce and unafraid- My little Ravenclaw…
She smiled at him, the first smile to warm his battered heart for more than two decades. It was his smile, the one she wore just for him when they were alone.
Thank you Ro.
"About time old man. Better late than never-… I love you too" she grinned as she looked down at her feet and turned away from him, one final time and walked away down the hall where she faded completely away from his sight.
In whatever life may come before us- I will be better. It will be better.
Thank you Ro.