Sorry, kids, it's been awhile, but if you need this fic to live, you have serious problems. P.S, new computer, yay, so finally I can do things like bold and italic without the formatting getting devoured. Also, I've learned a lesson about using asterisks, finally: they never work. Anyway, without further ado:
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The Moon. Brilliant beacon of light... most of the time. Also fairly large, and spherical. With the exception of Neil Armstrong and several chimpanzees, only one other brand of creature is intrepid enough to set foot on this celestial body:
The Mooninites.
Chapter Five: The Calling
It was night on the moon, sort of. It was dark, anyway. Within the blocky pink ship of the Mooninites,
Err sat at the controls of a Commodore 64, which inexplicably was connected to the internet. Upon their video screen was a website, a poor reader, Err clumsily muttered aloud each handful of words, pondering them deeply.
"And... Seven of Nine... said... 'here, let... me take... off my... to-'--"
"Err," said Ignignokt as he walked into the ship.
Err hopped off his feet, producing an old-school jumping noise.
"Wha! Um! Nothing!" he piped as he frantically hit the back button until the page he'd been reading was gone. "I'm not doing anything! You just back off!"
Ignignokt shuffled in, making blipping sounds with each step. "How many times must I tell you not to read bad Star Trek fan fiction in my presence?"
"Yeah, but-"
"And yet you still do. Listen, Err. Seven of Nine will never put out. She's just not like that."
Err pointed at his larger friend and narrowed his eyes, although it was hard to tell. "Let a man dream, dammit!"
Ignignokt snatched the Commodore controller and began to press buttons, while speaking in his all-knowing voice. "Dreams are for handicapped children, born without the ability to walk, for the sake of my laughter, and so I can steal their things without being chased. Forget these crude stories. I shall lead you to adult images of the nice woman who plays miss Seven of Nine."
Somehow ending up at Google with naught but a joystick, Ignignokt then 'typed' in the words "star trek adult porno".
"Watch, and be aroused," he stated.
"The filter," Err commented, shortly before a page came up saying ACCESS DENIED.
"That's right," Ignignokt replied, promptly dropping the controller on the floor. "Parental controls prevent this search from completing. Are you satisfied?"
"More like pissed! We gotta figure out how ta turn that off!" Err ranted, stomping up and down.
"Yes. Damn you, Commodore 64," Ignignokt said, walking to it and beginning to kick it repeatedly. "Damn you and your moral conservativism."
"Hey, that's mine!" Err snapped.
"Then you'll be the owner of a broken machine soon. You'll have only yourself to blame."
"Yeah, well... hey! Will not! You're doin' it!"
"Never question what I say," Ignignokt replied, cancelling his kicking assault and taking a step back. "Take us to our provider's homepage. We will tell them we are unsatisfied with their service. We will also tell them what things they like to eat. 'Dong' will be one of these things. The others will come as my mind forms them."
"C... o... d... Uh, how do you spell Commodore?" Err asked.
"You don't," Ignignokt answered. "Forget it. This human technology is too simple to use. Go back to your childish stories."
Err blinked and then returned to "I'm gonna go back to that story. The gettin' was good!"
"Don't, please," Ignignokt requested painfully. "Find one about the Aqua Teens. Look up 'bruise' and 'ass', also, as that is what I wish to do to them."
"Bruuse... Ass... nope. They got some, though. What the hell? My Jersey Boy?"
"I feel the fourth wall's crushing weight. At any rate, a title like that could never be good, even if it were awesome."
"Carl... and... Inew... yawshuh?"
"Names shouldn't be so hard to read," Ignogngingwhatever complained, turning away from the screen. "My interest is dead, like Ronald Reagan and Classic Rock. Let's go throw bricks at something, and then lie about it. While holding bricks."
"Wait a second! What the hell?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Err, your laughter confuses me."
"The fat man's GAY!"
"Where?! What?"
"Ha... right there, look! Haha... with this... this Inuyamcha guy! Hahaha!"
"This is golden. Engines, turn on!"
"Heh, heh... huh? Yes!! Pizza run!!" Err hopped up and raised his arms.
"No, Err. Your need for pizza can wait. We are going to go call Carl names because of his sexual orientation."
"Score!" Err cheered, bouncing around. "Fat man, I hope you like getting burned!"
"I hope he doesn't," Ignignokt said as the ship began to take off. "That is why we'll do it."
"Haha! Whatever!"
"Yes. Whatever."
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The night of the great clubbing expedition had passed. Inuyasha slept under a tree in the Aqua Teen's yard, although now he was awake, arms folded behind his head, legs pretzeled together, and the Tetsaiga, which hasn't been mentioned until now, was propped between his legs, resting over his shoulder. The noontime sun shone down on him, illuminating his silky locks and causing his eyes to stay in a downcast, half-open state as he reflected to himself.
"Kagome... and the others, too... I hope you're alright."
Kagome. He hadn't thought of her in so long. A girl who meant a lot to him as a friend. How would he tell her...? How would he break the news that he was in love?
Meanwhile, inside, Meatwad sat on the floor, holding an action figure of a humanoid dinosaur in a lab coat. He went over to Shake, who was watching TV in his chair.
"Hey, Shake," Meatwad said, shaking the figure at him to get his attention.
"No, Frylock, I don't hear anything," Shake said, turning to the floating box of fries in the kitchen. "Do you?"
"It's me," the greasy creature insisted. "Did you know Professor Dinosaur's greatest weapon is his mind?"
Shake grabbed the toy from him and threw it across the room. "How could I not?! You've been saying it for three hours!"
"Hey!!" Meatwad cried, chasing after it and picking it up. "The scientific community may have abandoned him for his rival, Dr. Mammal, P.H.D., but you can't just throw him aside! He's got credentials! And credentials talk!"
Looking to Frylock once more, Shake spoke in a soft, weary tone. "If he doesn't stop, I'll take this farther than I ever have. It's not even something I want to do. It's just going to happen."
Frylock groaned and floated over to Meatwad. "Alright, Meatwad. Master Shake's about to murder you. Why don't you take your new toy outside and see if Inuyasha wants to play?"
"Well, I guess I could," Meatwad answered, looking off to one side, then back to Frylock with a smile. "Hey Frylock. Professor Dinosaur says that all mammals are inferior because they can't bite through a pickup truck!"
"Uh-huh," Frylock agreed patiently. "I'm not sure how scientific that is, but-"
"And for only $29.99 this boy can prove it. You pull this trigger on his back, and a real bite comes out of the truck." Meatwad pushed the trigger and the dinosaur roared a low sound quality utterance about science while his mouth clamped shut. "Now we just need to get over to ToyLand and-"
"Would you just get your ass outside?!" Frylock snapped.
----
The door slammed and Meatwad was outside. He slid over to Inuyasha and stared at him, drawing the ire of the dogboy.
"Ugh, you again... what do you want?" Inuyasha asked, averting his head. "God, you reek..."
Meatwad blinked a few times. "Yeah, that's 'cause I sleep on a grill."
Inuyasha's eyes twitched. "It's because you're a rotting pile of old meat!!"
"Oh," Meatwad answered. "...I guess so. Anyway, Professor Dinosaur wrote his thesis on droppings and their impact on... uh... on the ground. When he dropped 'em."
Inuyasha squinted at him. "What the hell's a thesis?"
Meatwad smiled. "Oh, you wouldn't know about those. Yeah, they're in college. I went, you know."
"Yes, I know. You've been talking about that for awhile now." Inuyasha sighed and shook his head. "Look, could you check on Carl? He doesn't let me in his house."
"Oh, yeah, Carl, sure," Meatwad agreed sarcastically. "...What's in it for me?"
Inuyasha brandished his claws at the greasy ball. "You go do what I say and I won't have to bury you alive!"
Meatwad glanced off to one side, pausing. "...I mean... I could go check on Carl... if that's what you wanted."
Inuyasha nodded once and Meatwad slid off to do just that.
------
"Ohhhh yeah," Carl said, sitting in front of his widescreen TV and watching an episode of Xena: Warrior Princess while drinking a beer. "Keep walkin', Gabrielle. ...This is nice. Almost makes me forget I got some sort of gay dog thing waitin' for me to go outside. But, I'm pretty good in here. Got a week's worth of baked beans... don't really gotta take the trash out or nothin'... Anyway, that guy's comin' in like five days, so..."
"Carl."
"Wha-wha-whaduhhell?!" Carl said, looking around in surprise. "Which one of you monsters is breaking into my house today?"
Left and right offered no clues, so he looked down, and there he saw Meatwad.
"Oh, it's you, Meat-man. Is he still out there?"
"Yes," Meatwad answered. "Hey Carl, can I borrow $29.99?"
Carl laughed. "If I had that kinda money I'd buy me a DVD. Not the dirty ones. Like a real movie, the ones with Special Features..." He sighed and lowered his head. "Like Back to the Future or one of them."
Meatwad stared blankly. "...'Cause for $29.99 I can buy me a pickup truck and witness the true power of science."
"Whoa, what the hell you got there?" Carl asked. "Friggin'... someone bought you a toy that isn't a cheap piece of crap."
"Yeah, Frylock took me to the mall and I did some field research on reptile-based toys. Turns out that Professor Dinosaur was just what I needed for my current, uh, things I do."
"But where does a thing like you get money, is what I'm askin'?"
"From you," Meatwad said.
Carl sighed and rubbed his head, remembering the night before and how he had paid the Aqua Teens to avoid having to go out with Inuyasha alone.
"I'd love to tell him you aren't here," Meatwad explained, taking on a coy persuasiveness. "But them boys at Stanford are laughing because Professor Dinosaur ain't got no grant money. Did you know that biting pickup trucks is one of the most undeveloped fields of research in the world today? It's not even recognized at MIT, Harvard, or--"
"Okay. Meat-man. I'll give you 30 freakin' dollars. Just, y'know, give me a few minutes to take it out of my health insurance policy. If I still have it."
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Meatwad moved past Inuyasha, carrying Professor Dinosaur in one hand and a handful of old bills in the other.
"Hey! Is Carl okay?" Inu asked, catching Meatwad's attention.
"Oh. Carl's not home," Meatwad answered.
Inu sat up straight. "Well where is he?!"
Meatwad shifted his eyes around, looking for what to say. "Uh, he... tree... roof... then he... road..."
"What the hell does that mean?!" Inu growled.
The lies weren't working. Meatwad looked straight up and then smiled to Inuyasha. "Boy, I forgot. Carl had to go to the clouds."
Inuyasha gasped and his eyes widened. "I-is Carl... dead?"
Meatwad blinked a few times. "Um... yes?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Inuyasha cried, slumping against the ground and pounding his fists upon the earth.
----
Carl was sitting forward, getting very into the Xena episode, when he was jarred by the deafening scream from outside. "Dammit..." he muttered.
Meanwhile, the Mooninites stood right outside his window, staring in, Err hopping up and down repeatedly to see better.
"He isn't gay," Ignignokt said in disappointment. "Look. He's a lesbian."
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Author Note Type Thing:
Whew. How about that ATHF bomb scare thing? Awesome, huh?
Anyway, it's been so long, thanks for all the reviews everyone, and the flames are classic. Hope this chapter is okay.
Also, you wouldn't believe how many times I've typed "Meatward" instead of Meatwad on this chapter. It's ridiculous. Well then, until next time. -Pretending like he didn't go a year and a half without updating-