The Aqua Teen house, several minutes after a terrible scream resounded outside:
As the television depicted a cartoon about a fox strangling a hen, Master Shake sat motionlessly in his chair, staring. Off at the side of the room, Frylock hovered idly.
"This program needs to work harder for me," Shake said to no one in particular, a listless boredom defining his voice. "More events should occur, and more events geared to my tastes which are violence and mature situations."
A bulldog hit the fox over the head with a claw hammer. Shake chuckled briefly, then after a pause, sighed.
"Where are the..." Shake started to say, then rolled to one side enough to see that Frylock was still there. "Where are the women in cartoons?" he asked thought-provokingly.
"There was Betty Boop," Frylock answered.
Shake tried not to laugh.
"What?!" Frylock asked defensively.
"I, hah, I'm sorry, I never saw that one," Shake said sarcastically. "Your grandmother never taped that for me when she watched it when she was eight because they didn't have real tv yet."
Frylock merely stared that one off blankly as Shake went back to watching.
Shake gradually went on, saying "...It was such a drought for lovin', that Bugs Bunny became a transvestite."
Frylock quirked an eyebrow. "Well, you know, he used that to trick--"
"Everybody wanted him, too, that's the sad part," said Shake, cutting Frylock off, then with a small grin adding "but they couldn't get it... you know?"
"Yeah..." Frylock said in a dull, possibly even bitter voice. "...I know."
Shake glimpsed toward Frylock. "What are you doing, anyway?"
"Oh, I'm just thinking," Frylock answered lightly. "About this whole Inuyasha thing."
"Well can you think outside?" Shake whined. "You have a room. ...A room or outside. Look at the options you get here. This is your life here, Frylock. You just have to live it in one of the ways that I have laid out for you."
Frylock narrowed his eyes. "I'm just watching tv! I'm the one who pays the damn cable bills," he argued.
"Alright!" Shake said in a high voice, looking away. "Just please always pay them. I need it so bad. Please," he trailed off into a mutter.
The door swung open and Meatwad rolled in. "Hey, um, I'm s'posed to tell you guys... uh..."
"Who let you in?" Shake asked, turning and facing the small meatball, staring but not particularly acting as if he wanted an answer.
"Inuyasha said he wants one of you to play Sewer Shark with him, on the Sega CD," Meatwad said, pointing at them.
"The hell?" Shake asked quietly, looking at the ceiling in thought.
"That's what he said?" Frylock asked curiously.
"Yeah," Meatwad answered. "Because he said that he doesn't want to live anymore, if Carl ain't here."
Shake leaned back in his chair happily. "Haha... yes! Thank you, Jesus or God."
"Shake!!" Frylock snapped. "He's commiting suicide?!" he then quickly asked.
"Yeah," Meatwad confirmed, still puzzled by the s-word in question. "Se...Sewer Slide. For the Sega CD, though, I remember that."
Frylock cocked an eyebrow. "He really said that part?"
"16 bits of power, with real CD video and sound," Meatwad insisted as if in an advertisement.
"And like eight colors, don't forget that," Shake said sarcastically.
"And eight colors," Meatwad mirrored.
"Wait, what's this about Carl?" Frylock asked.
"Well, Carl's in the clouds," Meatwad explained. "I think he got picked up by some angels that came offa Route 66... and they're gonna go see my daddy, and all my pets."
"He's DEAD?" Shake asked bluntly.
"Shake! We don't use that word around Meatwad!" Frylock snapped.
Meatwad glared angrily. "Shit, boy, they never invite me to them parties."
"I'll drop you off," Shake offered calmly, "on my Chariot of Fire."
Meatwad's eyes bulged eagerly. "Will you really?!"
"No, no, no," Frylock said quickly, flying between the two and outstretching two fries. "Okay, Meatwad, this is important. Is Carl really..." He glanced out of the corner of his eye and saw Shake was staring at him.
"What?" Shake shrugged. "You're gonna say it."
"Meatwad, is Carl dead?" Frylock asked frankly.
"Hell no!" Meatwad replied. "I was just there, Carl's got a long and happy life ahead of him."
Shake snorted back a laugh.
Frylock squinted in puzzlement. "But you just said he was in the clouds."
Meatwad stared at him unflinchingly. "I may have said something to that effect, yes."
"...But he's..."
"...Yes."
"Oh, dammit, Meatwad! I'm just going to go over there!" Frylock said with a sigh and floated outside.
This left Meatwad and Shake looking at each other in a moment of awkward silence, as if that were anything new.
Meatwad made a squishing sound as he blinked.
"So, he wants to die, huh?" Shake asked nonchalantly.
"Who?" Meatwad asked back, completely in the dark.
"You know, Meatwad," Shake began, standing up in his chair. "Sometimes, when an evil demon is asleep in your lawn over a period of several days, and then he becomes suicidal..."
Meatwad started to roll away, but caught Shake's eyes on him and stopped to listen.
"There comes a time when one man has to stand up and do the right thing."
"Boy, you talkin' about Bruce Willis!" Meatwad said knowingly.
"No, no," Shake explained with an arrogant calm. "Bruce Willis IS a man who has risen up in certain motion pictures, but I was talking about myself, a man who is real, and not a media symbol meant to represent people like me."
"You ain't no man," Meatwad replied.
"I'm a man to you," Shake insisted, "and you will call me Master, or Sir."
"Sir..." Meatwad cracked a smile. "...Cumcision."
Shake sighed gently and hopped off of his chair. "Meatwad, please. You don't even know what that is. Do you?"
"Um."
"Go on. Tell me what it is."
"It's, uh."
"No, really, I don't know either. I need to know! I think it'll make me bigger," Shake said with a quick glance to the side. "You know."
"It's, uh... you ain't no damn man!"
"Mere words," Shake replied indifferently, then raised his head and balled his fists. "Come! It is time."
"Okay."
The two departed outside, and within a few seconds they found Inuyasha curled up under a tree.
"Is he--" Shake started to ask.
"I don't think he sees us," Meatwad answered, and both of them kept about ten feet away.
But Inuyasha heard them. He had cried himself dry, sobbed himself still. Now he merely lied, or laid if you will, a broken shell of himself, so many strands of exotic silver hair strewn about like a waterfall of silvery, hairlike strands cascading down his body clad in red. His timeless doglike ears were drooped irrecuperably.
"Carl..." he hissed out in a breathless squeak, raising his head feebly. So distraught was our heroi... hero that his impeccably acute hearing and smell could not distinguish the musk of his potbellied idol from that of a tangy dairy substance or a rancid ball of conglomerated meats. No, it wasn't that. He was haunted by that week-old armpit sweat and fluid-encrusted fabric. Everything sounded, everything smelled like Carl. Carl. Carl.
"CARL!!" he roared, twisting his head about and digging at the ground violently with his claws. "WHY, WHY, WHY?!!" he screeched, hands piercing the bark of the tree, fangs braced together to detest some phantom enemy; the enemy was death itself.
Savagely, Inuyasha began to slam his own head against the tree. Mercilessly he shed his own blood and bit by bit he knocked away bark and crushed a cavity into the very wood of the tree, all the while screaming that name: "CARLCARLCARLCARLCARLCARLCARLCARL --gasp-- CARLCARLCARLCAAAAARLLLLL!!!!!!"
Meatwad just blinked, then pointed. "I think he likes this here tree."
"I think he likes Carl," said Shake, unable then to hold back a juvenile smirk as he added, "...in the butt."
"Carl..." Inuyasha rasped, and turned to face them both, eyes gleaming brilliant golden light. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CARL?!" he yelled defensively.
"He's fat, he's lazy, he's into double Ds, and he is the least generous person I have ever stolen from," Shake said without hesitation. "That is what I know about Carl, and it is more than anyone should."
Inuyasha snarled at the milkshake, but in his sorrow he could not lash out.
Shake smiled and waddled forward. "That leaves one loose end in this... equation."
Inuyasha slumped into a sit, eyes downcast and heavy. "Then you came to kill me," he spoke, both in sadness and relief.
"Kill?" Shake repeated loosely. "No..."
His eyes narrowed as his browlike lid angled down. The light faded around him and ominous music swelled up in the background. "I came... to kill."
The music hovered dramatically and everyone was quiet.
"Now, he did say that," Meatwad pointed out. "He said--"
The mood effects faded as Shake angrily swatted at Meatwad. "I know what he said! I have to -- nevermind. It is time."
Shake looked around thoughtfully, then to Inuyasha. "So, this your first time dying?" he asked casually.
"Sort of..." Inuyasha said, head hung. "Although I was bound to a tree in a--"
"First timer, huh? I'll make it good for you," Shake insisted, walking off. "Wait here."
---------
Inuyasha sat under the tree with Carl's grill's gas tank in his lap, firecrackers strung over him and a small pile of aerosol cans on the ground around him. Shake finished pouring cooking oil on Inuyasha's head and then threw the empty bottle over his shoulder, causing it to explode on the ground.
"Couldn't find the flammable paint, and someone has used up all of our asbestos, they shall remain nameless; but, we've got the core elements," Shake said professionally and waddled to a safe distance. He picked up a crossbow and a pack of matches.
"Now, you'll feel a sort of..." he explained, repeatedly trying to strike a match and repeatedly failing. "Well... it's a... like a burning... you know. You'll like it. Don't worry."
"Are you sure this is gonna work?" Meatwad asked from his vantage point next to Inuyasha.
"Meatwad," Shake replied. "How many times have I done this? The blaze will be sufficient, as it always has."
"Cause those're my fireworks..." Meatwad added cautiously.
"And I told you," Shake insisted. "You'll get to see them the way they're meant to be used. Just stay where you're at, it is the recommended viewing distance."
Meatwad started to move, but compliantly went back when Shake said that.
"I don't think this will work," Inuyasha suggested. "My clothes will probably absorb the damage."
"You're second-guessing me," Shake said with a sigh. "For this to work, you have to want it, you have to. Do you want this?"
Inuyasha slowly nodded.
"Then you'll take those off right now!!" Shake said angrily.
---------
Inuyasha sat under the tree, naked, with all the explosives and flammables still scattered about him.
Shake was still trying to light the match. "Now if... the friggin'... match would... we'd... aha!!"
Flame sparked forth and was used to light the head of the crossbow bolt. "Meatwad, say the prayer," Shake said seriously.
Meatwad put his hands together. "Dear God, thank you for Thanksgiving... which is where we thank you for giving us the Indians and the pilgrims and them turkeys... and corn."
"Amen," Shake agreed, and readied the crossbow.
"And mashed potatoes," Meatwad added.
Shake aimed and narrowed his eyes. "Back to Hell with you!"
After that, everything flew by in an instant. Carl and Frylock suddenly came outside. Frylock's eyes went wide. "Whoa, Shake!!" he shouted.
"Wha, wha, wha...!" Carl protested. "The hell's this?! You said you had the cast of friggin' Baywatch out here..."
"Carl!!" Inuyasha cried in surprise.
Just then, the gang from Inuyasha jumped out of the well that inexplicably existed in the Aqua Teens' backyard
"I... Inuyasha?!" Kagome said.
"Kagome!" Inuyasha gasped.
"IT ENDS HERE!!" Shake yelled and fired the bolt. It punctured the gas tank which blew up in a large, fiery cloud. Fireworks crackled and flew through the air and everyone shielded themselves from the explosion and ensuing smoke.
"Shake, what the hell did you do that for?!" Frylock demanded, coughing a few times.
"I alone am the agent of The Cleansing," Shake told Frylock seriously.
"Cup, I totally owe you one," Carl said in a low voice.
"Who are you people?!" Miroku asked. "How could you kill Inuyasha? And where are his clothes!"
"You knew Inuyasha?" Frylock asked, floating closer to the the tree.
"CARL!!!" Inuyasha cried out, emerging from the lingering gas fire intact. He ran to Carl full speed, nude and flaming.
"Oh fu--" Carl muttered in dread before being tackled to the grass.
"How could he possibly have survived?!" Shake asked, wide eyes narrowing in conclusion. "Unless... he's a demon! Call the exorcist!"
Frylock stared at him.
"What?!" Shaked asked. "I can talk!"
"Carl I was so scared! I thought you were dead!!" Inuyasha sobbed, clinging to him.
"Jesus..." Carl groaned weakly, patches of fire spreading to him. "Uh, yeah there, Inuyasha. How you doin'. You're, uh, lookin' good with no eyebrows, there... and burned, you look kinda burned you know...?"
"Really?!" the scorched mutt asked, glowing with pride at the compliment.
"Eh, sure, why not..." Carl sputtered. "Look, I think ah, I think I'm gonna crawl into my pool and put out the fire that's, you know, starting to consume my body. I don't really care what you do, not in the short term or whatever."
"Sure," Inuyasha placidly agreed and climbed off of Carl.
"Friggin'... hate this..." Carl said to himself quietly as he dragged to his feet and walked over toward the pool, his scalp, arm and back bearing small but steady flames. "...So tired of being burned... and why the hell is he naked anyway... friggin' weird..."
As Carl arrived at his pool, he saw the Mooninites floating in it. He stood plainly, hands on his hips, slowly burning as he looked at them. "Oh good, it's you jokers."
"Hello Carl," Ignignokt said plainly. "We are in your pool."
"And you can like it!" Err piped sharply.
"And you will like it," Ignignokt insisted, pulling out his laser.
"That's... great," Carl said, looking down at the ground and rubbing his head for a few seconds before his legs collapsed under him and he fell into a fiery crumple.
"Does he--?" Err whispered.
"Yes. Do you like it?" Ignignokt asked, leaning over the rim of the pool to look to Carl.
"Uh, yeah... no, I'm just gonna die now," Carl replied indifferently.
Ignignokt stared for awhile, then fired an incredibly slow space bullet at Carl's downed body. Err hopped up on the rim and pointed at Carl.
"...That's right," Ignignokt said.
"F&#ing OWNED," Err yelled.
---------
I had the first half... or first third or so, of this chapter done like half a year ago, but I had high hopes for the chapter as a whole and was sort of intimidated/uninspired as to how to pull it off. However, I've been in a writing mood lately and it just sort of came to me. This isn't an excuse, just a window into the function of my, uh, functions. Also, my friend asked for more, so that's sort of an inspiring factor too. Anyway, this is longer than usual I think.
By the way, I ought to reply to a few reader reviews like I used to do. So...
Psychogizmo asks: Why do people feel the need to cross Inu Yasha with EVERYTHING?
Kreskin says: Well gee, Pyschogizmo, I don't know. It's a perplexing question. Perhaps this odd habit of Inuyasha crossovers among its fanbase is something I am doing a PARODY of? Yes folks, you've heard it here for the first time! This story is in fact a PARODY and not a serious interpretation of Inuyasha's story or character(s). I know, it's shocking. I sincerely apologize to anyone trolled by this story, for the inconvenience and for misleading you. I figure it's time to come clean, though.
Further admissions of guilt include the fact that yes, I purposely write Inuyasha's character incorrectly. A few reviewers even seem to have noticed this trend, and I congratulate them and suggest they look into careers of private investigation. More specifically, I incorrectly write his character at times and at others I hint at his actual personality or behavior, just for kicks.
This is because I think an inconsistent depiction of a character is a poorer, and therefore more humorous, absurdist parody than an absolute polar flip of the character. This story is essentially a combination of my take of "business as usual" for the Aqua Teen half and "what the hell is this crap" for the Inuyasha half.
Loki14 says: Hey, me again, your old dedicated fan.
You finally updated the story, ya jerk! Haha, just make sure to do it more often. Nice chapter, by the way, I love the "Carl died" thing. You should totally have Inuyasha do something really freaky right now...like, I don't know, go curl up on Carl's bed and cry and then have Carl walk in on him. lol
Kreskin says: Thanks a lot for the support, yes I am a jerk! I'm glad you liked Carl's alleged death and I hope you like where things went. I had a few other ideas and maybe I'll still use them.
Zeon of the Twilight Blade says (among other things): Anyway, I look forward to your next chapter of unholy leetness, more Dr. Weird please, and you still convey the character's perfectly, as I can picture all this as an episode of ATHF.
OH, and yeah, I wish I had one of those signs man, can you imagine what they'll go for on Ebay in awhile?
Kreskin says: If I were a rich man (Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum), I would pay thousands of dollars for a Mooninites light-up sign on Ebay. I'll try and put in Dr. Weird again, although I have to admit I can't think up as many of those sketches as the show itself did (and a lot of them sucked, I mean they were decent but compared to "I have grafted a deer antler to my groin", Dr. Weird had some low points). Oh well. Sorry he's not around this time, but I promise to think about him.
Alright, that's all for now, cats and kittens. Help control your own population. Get yourselves spayed or neutered. See you soon(???).