Chapter Two

A Sad Song

Music. Strange music seemed to play relentlessly in my fragile mind, keeping me up at night for weeks on end. It was a strange tune, unfamiliar to my ears and mouth, but it managed to imprint itself in my head. I couldn't even describe the tune if I wanted to, all I can remember was it was sad. Sometimes, I would wake up to a face drenched with tears and the feeling of guilt weighing heavily in my heart- always followed by the tune mocking me. At first I was stupid as to why this song stalked by so, until a week before our college acceptance letters were due to arrive. That's when I realized, the song was a theme for my betrayal to Reno.

I had lied to my boyfriend, or husband which ever way you decide to look at it. I had assured him countless times that my future was in New York City and promised to remain in this city until we together decided to move on. I promised to go a college in good old Manhattan, I promised to commute back and forth despite the difficulty, but most of all I promised to be by his side as he stayed at the College of Staten Island. I lied to him- and I knew I was lying even as I made those foolish promises. I applied to schools as far as California, keeping them all a secret from him. I thought, stupidly thought, that him living in ignorance would be better than blessing him with the truth. I still to this day don't know if my foolishness was correct.

The day had come when our letters of acceptance were to arrive, and that stupid, unfamiliar song rang loudly in my head all night. I watched with bloodshot eyes as the sun arose from its hiding spot, and drenched the city in a cold twilight. I could see the dark April clouds begin to shuffle to block the sun and shower the day in sad rain. The pit of my stomach rumbled at the omen, waking up the sleeping red head beside me.

I brought my dark blue eyes to lay themselves at the fidgeting red head. Despite how much I loved him, Reno was never known for his innocence. However, dressed in the little light that snuck its way in, he looked cleansed of all his sins for once. I frowned at the thought of me tainting his soul with my betrayal, and for the first time in a year I decided maybe leaving behind my dreams of abandoning this City wasn't such a bad idea. Of course I pushed aside those foolish thoughts- everyone should leave Staten Island.

I ran my fingers through Reno's tasseled red hair that was illuminated thanks to soft light. His eyes fluttered opened and danced to gaze sleepily into my bloody eyes. His thin lips curved into a sinister little smile that, despite his vulnerability, caused me to squirm under his gaze.

"Stop staring at me like that," I scolded gently.

He laughed at me, reaching to touch a strand of my short blond hair, "Stop staring at me like that Mr."

"Like what?"

"Like you did something wrong." The finger that was once twirling my hair made a trail down my face to my chapped lips, "you always look guilty babe."

I smiled against his index finger, looking deeply into his green eyes that were now shining thanks to the little bit of sunlight that found its way into our room. I loved the innocence that seemed to have appeared in those eyes. He never looked this pure, angelic, not even when I first laid eyes on him. He was damaged thanks to his past relationships, thanks to Shinra, thanks to blood he had to shed. It was a long time before he was able to get that innocence back; and sadly it was something that was doomed to be short lived. But never-the-less, I basked in the light of innocence, even with the hanging lie dancing around my head- pounding and cursing at me to tell him. Tell him what? That I was in the business of destroying everything we had died to keep together.

"Sorry," I whispered weakly, pulling him closer to my body- savor these little moments, I thought. College acceptance letters will be arriving today; my destiny will be written out on a piece of paper. I had to tell him that day.

Not thinking anything about my sudden strange behavior, Reno removed his dainty finger and replaced it with his warm lips. It was quick, painful, but like a cup of coffee I needed it to start my day. School was calling for us now. I knew tension was going to be high among us seniors- and honestly spending a whole day on edge just to wait for some stupid little letter did not seem appealing at all. If it wasn't for the sorry fact my maid would definitely snitch on me if I stayed home, I would have just hid under the covers until the mail man came with the tragically happy news.

I needed to stop thinking so negative- I knew that. The more I thought about it, the more I figured The College of Staten Island wasn't such a bad idea. And let me tell you, the moment you think that is the moment you gave given up on life all together. So no, I refused to stoop so low. I was still alive. More alive than I've been in a long time.

No, I was more concerned about him. Reno wasn't exactly the most understanding person in the world, and would take me leaving for a different school as a personal blow. "Oh look you just want to get away from me, well fuck you." Yeah he would say that, and that was fine. I can take Reno's aggressive nature, his child like behavior, and even his some times negative out look on his life. Yes I could take it, because I understood that. I could deal with that. That meant we could work it out. I know it didn't make sense to the people who watched our relationship under a microscope- but it made sense to us. We're men and we tend to act like it; a blessing and a curse.

I didn't feel like bathing that day, honestly, I just wanted to dwell in the filth that I was- I know, bad hygiene, but I put on deodorant and Axe cologne so I was one step above the French (kidding). I threw on some ripped jeans I got at Hollister for some ungodly reason, a My Chemical Romance shirt, and two sweatbands decorated my wrists- one with the gay pride symbol, the other said Nintendo. My hair was too short to do in crazy spikes, so I just flipped up the top, frowning at how I seemed to look too much like a "good boy" with this hairstyle. I wanted to do something drastic with my hair. I wanted to dye it some crazy ass color like purple or blue- but Reno said no…he liked the blonde. Said it reminded him of a sunny day. He would get poetic like that sometimes. I stuck out my tongue at the image of me; my simple tongue ring taunting the good boy image- I don't remember why I did this, I think I was just getting tired of myself. Here's a nice "fuck you" Cloud Strife.

After I finished emotionally abusing myself in the mirror, I turned to see Reno had finally gotten out of the shower. A towel was wrapped tightly around his waste, his hair still dripping and sending droplets down his toned chest. He stood next to our bed, looking intently at two shirts he had laid out. For a moment, I came back and all thought of College and my future went out the window. I walked behind him and wrapped my strong arms around him

"I like the Taking Back Sunday shirt," I cooed in his ear.

"You only like it because I had sex with you in that shirt."

"Yeah, so wear it."

"How about I just go into school naked," he leaned into my body, craning his head to look at me, "Or how about we just don't go in at all."

"I am feeling a little sick," I smiled, bringing my lips to connect with his, "I think I need some bed rest."

And like all the other times we made love, how we managed to get on the bed with our clothes off seemed to be a blur. I pinned Reno's small body on the bed with my own, smirking when his hips writhed and squirmed beneath. I figure you don't need to hear all the beautiful details of this rehearsed dance we performed once or twice a day (depending on how excited we were). However, something about this time made it stick out- I guess because it was the last time we really enjoyed it. Or maybe because it was drenched in guilt and he could feel it…like he knew without knowing. That's why his eyes, despite shining with pleasure, had this confused tint. I hated it. So I buried my face in the crook of his next to escape his silent interrogation, and continued my motions without a hitch.

It was close to emotionless, and though our physical craving was quenched something went wrong. It lacked something. Love? Of course love would be in there; I loved him no matter what I was going through, no matter how much he missed me off, and no matter how stupid I became after this moment, I loved it. Love doesn't die that easily. No, what went wrong was me; my regret, my guilt, just soiled the perfect moment. I felt guilty making love to him. And because of that, I fell back into that depression I seemed to have found myself in. I decided to lay in that bed, in the dark, not even bothering to clean myself up- something that Reno managed to pick up on.

"You okay honey?" I whispered in my ear, "You haven't been your-"

"I'm fine," I sighed, not looking in his eyes, but once again retreating to the beauty of the window, "I'm just stressed out."

"Sex is supposed to cure that," he laughed, "I'm going to make you some breakfast."

He left me alone, in that dark room, for me to make friends with the window once again. Like the little boy in me, I was hoping the scenery would give me an answer to all my problems. Only clouds graced me with their presence…dark clouds that refused to allow sunshine envelope the world. An omen; not the answer I was looking for.

I still had that habit of allowing one negative thing drag me into a deeper darkness. I used to say it was just me being a regular teenager- but it seemed to be a part of my personality. Perhaps something passed down from my real mother. I hated it, and yet I couldn't rid myself of that part of my personality. It dragged me down- and later on it would prove to me the most deadly part of my being. My inability to see the light- even the strongest tree dies without light. Just remember that.

So, the whole day I choose to lie in my bed and think unhappy thoughts. Reno didn't think much of it- when I was stuck in these moods he would just let me ride it out- and instead sat on our bed and played video games non-stop. And usually, that would be fine. Eventually the funk I was in would dissipate, and I would be fine again. Not this time. It hung on like it was a disease that couldn't be cured; it was painful, so much so that by noon I was ready to just give up and crawl in some dark area to die. Noon, that's when the mail was sure to arrive. And no I couldn't look at his face when he read off the addresses to all the schools I applied to- no I couldn't bare to witness to his shocked expression when I realized how far away I attempted to run. And so by noon I bolted into the shower to just to burn away the disease of guilt that was trying to rob me of my life….

I stood in the shower heaving as if I had been denied of air, allowing the scolding hot water pound my worthless excuse for a body. I don't know, maybe the burns would kill my sin. Wishful, childish, thinking on my part. I never said I grew out of my ignorance. I grabbed some shampoo and began furiously scrubbing my scalp for punishment- I remember it hurt like a bitch, but it was an alternative to cutting. I also never said I grew out of my obsession to inflict harm on myself. The only thing that stopped me was Reno's glare if he dared saw a fresh scar on my body. Senseless and painful scrubbing was the only way to cancel out the pain…

"Cloud can you come out here…"

Of his voice.

I gritted my teeth, washed out the remainder of soap in my hair, and turned off the shower. Heh, I thought all the while how nice it would be if I just slipped and hit my head- that would take care of anything. I, once again, never said I wasn't suicidal. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist, not even bothering to dry my hair that was dripping water onto my face and chest. It was now or never, I thought as I opened the bathroom door, expecting to lay eyes on a very pissed off red head. What I actually saw, was more horrifying.

There he was, calm, just staring on the envelopes that were clutched in his hands. His eyes were just numb; not even any anger glinted in his pretty green eyes. I could have handled his anger…

"I got into CSI," he stated dryly, "Looks like you didn't even apply there…"

I looked at the carpeted floor, "No I didn't…"

"But it does look like," he swallowed hard, "like you applied to Binghamton and New Paltz in Upstate New York, and Stoneybrook in Long Island, and Concordia in Canada." There wasn't even venom in his voice as he checked off all the colleges that sent me letters. He was beginning to realize, I didn't even apply to a single college in New York City and that every one of them were a minimum two hours away. Some were even seven hours or in completely other countries.

But he wasn't getting mad. He wasn't even making some sarcastic remark.

"Oh," he just said, laying the envelops on the bed, next to his discarded acceptance letter.

"Reno," I walked towards him, but he…backed away.

"I have to go, smoke a cigarette."

Without another word, he walked out the door- leaving me to once again dwell in my guilt.

I could have handled his yelling…

I could have handled his immature outbursts…

I could have handled…even his coldness….

But I couldn't handle…his walking out of my life.