Authors Note: Sorry for the delay, I had a massive case of fucking writers block. To make matters worse, writing essays for my English 151 class has proven detrimental to my writing talent. Blah. Hopefully you will like the update. Sorry again,
Chapter Three
The Bad and the Ugly
I knew things were going to change once it became clear to Reno that I was not going to be staying in New York City for much longer. However, I never thought things would become forced between us. Don't get me wrong, we loved each other more than ever- that much was evident in our eyes when we happened to glance at one other in passing- but we wouldn't allow that little emotion become a reality. It was too hard. We acted the same, though, around our friends- holding hands, kissing, laughing- all in an effort to take suspicion off our doomed relationship. But that's all it had become, just an act in an effort to avoid our friend's songs of regret. Even when we fucked, it was just that, fucking. There was no emotion, no love in that bed, and we only fucked to satisfy that carnal hunger. Why we never broke up, that was the question. I think we were just afraid of being alone. I wish fear hadn't been the only thing that kept us together during that time.
As the days dragged on, this strained feeling between began to worsen and soon we started to avoid each other completely. Once we got home from school, our hands would quickly unlock and we would go to our respected corners and do meaningless things. He would sometimes play video games, and I would drown myself in my head phones- always wanting to say something, always wanting to apologizing…and never saying that simple word. We never talked after that…only grunts and one-word answers became the only comfort. The only time we were reminded of that silly love we shared, was when we slept in that bed that held so many wonderful memories. We would go to sleep on opposite sides…all in the corner, away from our bodies; but we would wake up, tangled in each others arms as if trying to hold on to the last bit of love. It was like…our heart and bodies were trying to show us something our selfish minds wouldn't- that we could have survived.
But life never got back to normal, no matter how many times we woke up in compromising positions of love; the damage to his heart was already done, and I was angry at him for not getting over it. I began to blame him. It was his fault why we never got back to normal, I thought, because if he really loved me…he would have let me go. If he really loved me as much as he claimed he did, he would have seen why I had to leave this place. The funny thing was, he knew exactly why I had to leave, he was just too stubborn to admit I was in some way right. Then again, I was too stubborn to voice that he was partly right…that's why instead of going to Canada for college, I went to Binghamton. A mere two hours away from the city I hated- I thought that could have been enough.
It wasn't and I didn't realize that until Prom- one week before graduation.
It was a Friday and we had all skipped school to "get ready" for prom. To be honest, only the girls had to spend six hours getting ready for this superficial dance, while we guys just cruised around Staten Island for what felt like the last time. I was kind of hoping that, as we drove around aimlessly, I would have felt something different when I stared out of the moving window- remorse perhaps? I wanted to see some secret beauty I hadn't seen in the almost eighteen years I had lived on this cursed Island. I didn't see anything that was going to make me stay here pass August. That is, until I dragged my eyes away from the window and laid them upon the red head sitting next to me. There he was, my only reason to abandon my dreams, leaning against my chest, his forehead against the crook of my neck and his eyes focused at the same Staten Island scenery. Perhaps it was the sunny day, or the romantic aura because of prom, but my frozen heart finally melted. I, then, did something I hadn't done in a long time, I kissed his head…and meant it- if that could make any sense.
At the rare display of emotion, Reno craned his next to look at me with perplexed eyes- as if the simple act had never been committed before. I could only smile at his the childlike innocence in his green orbs, and brought my lips to touch his…
"Ew, can you guys get off each other for a fucks second," Cid yelled from the front seat, earning some sparse laughs from the other boys that occupied the car with us- including Reno's dear cousin Rude.
What those boys didn't know was, that was the first time in two months we meant that kiss. For a second there, I thought everything was going to be okay between Reno and I.
The time ticked by slowly, and we returned to my house at three o'clock to six insane girls, with hair and makeup done up to the tee, running around in their underwear. It was quite an insane sight, and frankly one I could have done without. My mother was in happy spirits- I think all the young hearts around her made feel like she was eighteen again- and she quickly ushered the frantic girls into respect rooms while giggling like the rest of them. Cid ran out to pick up Rufus- that probably would have been an exciting conversation to spy on- while the rest of his hid in my basement to get ready. The other guys were having fun, joking, fighting…doing manly guy stuff, while Reno and I stood in the darkest corner…
"What was with that kiss before?"
The question came as a shock, and I ceased buttoning my shirt to throw him a confused, and somewhat offended, glare. "What? I can't kiss you now?" I tried to remain lighthearted and added a little chuckle- but Reno wasn't in a joking mood…
"You just haven't kissed me like that in a long time, it was just weird," he argued.
"Well I'm your boyfriend-"
"Then maybe you should fucking act like it."
I was blindsided- it felt as if he fucking punched me in the face. I was stunned, and before I could even counter with something even viler, he walked away- leaving me in a state of confusion, shock, and most of all anger. It wasn't the usual anger- the selfish one that seemed to pop up despite how much I wanted it to be gone- it was rage. I was physically angry at him for having the fucking nerve to utter those words. As if I was the one who had caused all the problems that plagued us, as if I was the only one turning away from our relationship, and as fucking if the tension between us was all my fucking fault…
And in some ways it was…
But I didn't think he had to right to speak like that…and I was too stubborn to let it go.
The act shattered. We didn't hold hands in pictures, we didn't make eye contact in the limo, and we barely touched each other, or acknowledged each other, once we walked on to that Party boat. Everyone noticed the tension, and how couldn't you? Once you saw us sitting at a table, alone, looking in opposite directions, with our eyes narrowed to explain the reasoning for this tension. However, with the prom being the most important of my friend's lives, they paid no mind to the drama that was Reno and I, and quickly scattered to their own sections of the boat.
I wanted him to say something to me….no I wanted him to apologize for being an ungrateful brat. But he didn't. Instead, when I finally turned to look at him, he scampered away to have fun on his one and only problem; while I, Cloud Strife, sulked like a baby in my seat. I half created the disaster I was in, but I was still too immature to admit it then, so instead I just blamed him. It was his entire fault right? For loving me so much he wanted me to stay? My anger towards him just grew and grew as I sat that that blasted table alone, ignoring the millions of obnoxious sounds around me. I wanted to throw him off the boat at one point- just end both our suffering.
He, unknown to me at the time, was going through the same emotions. As his anger grew, his will to have fun disintegrated, so by the time we to leave for the "after prom party" neither of us wanted to go; much to our friends happiness, as they were getting tired of us being kill joys.
He allowed the act to go on one more time as we waved our friends goodbye; we smiled…made some jokes…like the "makeup sex is gonna be awesome." If only that would have happened. No sooner did the Limo pull away, and the door to my house close, we were at each other's throats.
The anger that had been brewing had finally taken control. We stared at each other for, what seemed like, an eternity, waiting for the other one to say something…something that would, hopefully, lead to a fight. We wanted to tear each other apart because, ah, it would have been so satisfying. It sounds so horrible…ha, but as I stood there, staring into his wrathful green eyes, I was laughing to myself.
"You're an asshole," he said it, with venom on every word, "It's all your fault this happened."
"Oh, my fault," I hissed, "because you are an immature brat who can't handle me leaving. Obsessed much?"
I hit a nerve…I almost smiled, proud of myself for being so vicious. Hurting him felt so good; it was revenge for all the dirty looks and mumbles under his breath. Yes, see, I was in the right…
But I didn't have much time to dance in my glory. A fist connected with my face, sending me to the floor. I knelt on the wooden floor, stunned that the son of a bitch had the balls to hit me. Warm liquid dripped from my lip…the fucker made me bleed. I glared at Reno, who was clutching his fist, an amused look plastered on his face.
"You little shit," I spat, "how dare you fucking hit me!"
"Eye for an eye, bastard."
I snapped; I suddenly didn't care that I, at one point, loved the boy standing before me. He was a monster that I had a hand in creating, and I wanted to destroy him. Break him until he shattered like glass in my fists. I charged him, tackling his small body to the floor with a large thud. He instantly resorted to scratching my face, tearing skin as if it were paper. I gave up trying to hold down his flying arms, and instead punched him on the face…
His face snapped to the side, and blood oozed out of his nose. I could almost immediately see the ugly purple bruise that would form on his once unmarred face. He dropped his arms in defeat…and just laid there. His eyes were clenched tight, but from the small shaking I could feel, I could tell he was crying. I realized how much destruction I had caused…and though I was the one wearing the most wounds, he was the one suffering more. I got off him, and laid next to his beaten up body. I ran my fingers through his short red locks…
"Reno, honey, I'm so sorry," I whispered, kissing his lips forcefully, "I'm sorry for everything."
His bruised hands immediately clung to my jacket, burying his head in the crook of my neck as he sobbed almost uncontrollably. We laid together on the floor, ignoring the blood that seemed to run endlessly from both our physical and emotional wounds. I tried to think through the pain, what someone could do in my situation. I could leave still…or I could give up my dreams and stay. Enroll in CSI for a semester and convince Reno, this time, to come away with me. It would be better than leaving him broken and bruised on this floor while I lived my dream…
I didn't want to be selfish anymore…
I felt vibrations from his pants…his cell phone was ringing mercilessly. I would have thought nothing of the ringing phone- just dismissed it as Rude calling. But the way his trembling increased when the phone started ringing began to tell the story. I pulled away from him to look into his eyes; his eyes could tell me what I needed to hear.
His normally cool green eyes were wide with terror, as he tried to look away from me…
The rage was forming again…I could feel it surging through my blood stream.
"Aren't you going to answer it Reno," I growled, causing him to snap his head towards me.
"No," he shook his head, already reading my own blue eyes, "Don't Cloud…"
I violently dug through his pants for the stupid piece of metal. Reno, in response, kicked and tried to push me away- he was too week…too beaten up to stop me from figuring it out…
I pulled the phone out- he latched on to me for dear life, begging forgiveness in my neck- and I answered…
"Who is this?" I yelled.
"Is Reno there?" the smooth male voice responded, not fazed by the hate in my voice.
"No, who the fuck is this?"
The man laughed, mockingly, "His boyfriend. Who the fuck is this?"
I clutched the phone in my hand, begging my grip would break the thing, and looked at Reno. He was begging still, like a fucking dog. Begging me to forgive him for his sin. Crying that he was foolish. Temptation had taken over…he had to have some kind of real relationship. Because ours was a fucking joke.
His touch was disgusting…
I shoved his pathetic body away from me, throwing his sorry excuse for a phone at him..
I couldn't look at him…that broken child…
I didn't even want to know him.
I started upstairs…
"No!" He shouted, "I'm sorry! I'm fucking sorry, please forgive me."
He followed me; stumbling and crying like a child. Pleading! Ha, it was so amusing right? This was what I wanted! I wanted to see him break. I wanted to get him back for everything…for ever making me feel the way I did, for ever considering giving up my dreams for his worthless ass. Ah, for a second he was nothing to me…he was just some dumb boy who had preyed on my body and soul for almost two years. A parasite. And I was going to kill him.
I walked to my room, MY ROOM, the room I lived in before he started living with me and slammed the door in his face. Reno shouted and screamed like a manic now. He was loosing me, his life support. He scratched the door, kicked it, and punched it, anything to get the thing open. I put on my headphones, drowning out his cries for help…
I guess in the end, I was the one who walked out of his life.