An Honest Choice

Title: An Honest Choice
Author: Rosie Cruz
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Chapter 3

Olivia stood in the empty bedroom trying to work out her feelings. She wished she had time to think about what had just happened, but it was not to be. Casey was gone and Alex was waiting in the other room. She tried telling herself that it made sense that Casey had left, but then why did she feel like everything was going so horribly wrong?

A part of her wished Alex would go away too. She needed to think about how her life had just…changed. Alex was back, but she wasn't quite sure what that meant. Still it was ridiculous to think of sending Alex away. She was the reason for all of the confusion and there were things they needed to talk about, things she needed to know like the how and why. She wished she could have asked Casey to stay, but she knew that was selfish. She wanted Casey's strength and support, but that wouldn't have been fair to Casey. Casey did not deserve to sit and listen to some heart to heart between her and Alex. What did Casey deserve?

Someone better than me, she thought ruefully. She heard the rattle of coffee cups in the other room and knew she had to get out there. Alex was there. Putting aside her confusion, she slowly made her way back to her living room where the smell of coffee, Alex's easy smile and an unknown future was waiting.

Alex was nervous. She had not expected anyone but Olivia when she decided to come here first. She had not considered the possibility that Olivia had met someone and essentially moved on. And even if those thoughts had crossed her mind, she certainly would not have expected Casey Novak to be here, at Olivia's apartment, in an obviously intimate setting. But she had come too far to be waylaid by what she considered minor obstacles.

Olivia's reaction had not been what she expected, but then, she realized, she had also not walked in on a lovesick Olivia pining away for her. Rather she had come back to claim something that someone else had claimed in her absence. It didn't matter. She had a prior claim and she would fight for Olivia. She would take whatever steps were necessary. She needed her life back; all of it, including the parts she had only half-claimed before she was forced to leave everything behind and disappear into Witness Protection.

After their initial hug at the door, which had been far too short for Alex, they just stared at each other. Alex noted the changes in Olivia. She seemed more relaxed, less intense and more open. It was endearing and she had to admit it looked good on her. But then Olivia must have noticed Casey's absence. She excused herself hurriedly and disappeared into the bedroom. Alex took the opportunity to make herself at home. She went to the kitchen and started a fresh pot of coffee. She frowned as she went through the motions. Casey's presence here complicated everything. It had to be handled delicately. Perhaps a polite, we need to talk would get her out of the apartment tonight. Once she had the coffee going she slipped back into the living room taking a seat on the couch. She heard the bedroom door open and saw a blur that she assumed was Casey Novak zip by as she made her way out of the apartment.

So much for that complication, thought Alex with a lighter heart.

But that was a few minutes ago and Olivia had yet to return. Needing to keep herself busy, she went back in the kitchen to pour the coffee. When she the two steaming cups were finally on the coffee table and Olivia had still not emerged, she decided that she needed to take the initiative and go looking for her. She rose from her seat to do just that as a sadder and somewhat dazed looking Olivia walked out of the bedroom. She sat heavily on a ridiculously fluffy chair across from Alex. Olivia made an attempt at a smile in her direction, but it was weak. Alex returned the smile gladly and sat back down.

"Good idea to start the coffee," said Olivia.

"Yes, I thought we would need it."

"Yeah, good instinct. You always had good instincts."

"Have. Present tense. I'm back Liv."

"Yeah, you are and I'm very happy for you," said Olivia.

"But not for you? For us?" said Alex noticing Liv's word choice.

"There was never an us Alex," said Olivia shifting in her seat uncomfortably.

"There could be."

And there it was, her fantasy come to life. How many times had Olivia imagined hearing those words from this woman? How many times had she wished for it?

She looks absolutely beautiful, thought Olivia. Only Alex could make casual look glamorous. She was wearing a soft blue sweater over black pants and looked completely in her element. Her blond hair had grown since Olivia had last seen her, but it still fell in flawless wispy waves to land on petite shoulders. And the glasses, those glasses were Alex to Olivia. They enhanced her beautiful face in all its perfect proportions. They said, I'm smart, but sensitive, I'm warm but strong when I need to be. But then unbidden, the image of Casey's sad green eyes as she tossed random clothes into that ridiculous blue bag that actually belonged to Olivia, came to mind. Those beautiful glistening eyes that would not meet hers as she asked Olivia questions Olivia could not yet answer. Casey had stood at the door, her tall form rigid, red curls in slight disarray, looking pale, but still beautiful. She always looked beautiful. She looked gorgeous in the power suits she wore to court everyday but Olivia was always amazed at the transformation that occurred when she got home; when she changed into her more comfortable jeans and t-shirts, the beauty never left her. It was in her, not the clothes. It was in the face always so open and inviting. It was in the luscious red hair that Olivia loved running her fingers through. It was in her smile. The smile had been absent as she stood by the bedroom door.

"You can't just walk back into my life and just…" she started to say wanting to be angry with Alex, but she was unable to finish the sentence.

And what?

She had to admit that having Alex here, in the flesh made her feel things she thought she had worked out of her system years before. Years ago she fantasized about this moment over and over. She couldn't count the times. But things were different now, weren't they?

She shook her head, disbelief clouding her thoughts. In the space of a few seconds her world had changed so drastically. How could that be? How could that happen in an instant? Alex was back and Alex, apparently, wanted her? Could she possibly refuse the blonde beauty that she had dreamed about for years; the person she had loved, who had been suddenly and cruelly taken away from her? But it wasn't that simple, was it? Alex's voice invaded her thoughts.

"Olivia. This nightmare is over. Velez is dead and his empire in disarray, I can get my life back and you… I want you to be a part of that."

Alex paused. She knew she had to get this right. "Olivia, I put a lot of things on hold because I thought I had time. Now I know better. We have to go for the things we want in the here and now and do whatever it takes to make it work because you can't count on time. It can be taken away in an instant. Everything can."

Olivia was staring intently at her and for a moment Alex saw the woman she had left behind. She saw the same intensely focused eyes open to her completely. But it was only a few seconds before the guarded pained look came back. Still her Olivia was there too and on that she had to hang everything.

"Olivia I want to be with you." Alex knew she had to choose her next words carefully.

"I don't know what I walked in on and frankly, I can't say I'm not surprised, because I am, but I didn't go through 3 years of hell to get back to you and not tell you how I feel. I have to take this chance." She waited for Olivia to say something…anything.

Olivia put her head down. Her heart was warring with itself. Here was the Alex of her dreams giving her everything she thought she had wanted years ago, but her life with Casey wasn't a dream, it was the real thing. Still, the temptation was strong, to give in to this thing with Alex; this thing that she had longed for with an intensity she had not known she was capable of. Still there was a sadness that came with what Alex was proposing. She couldn't ignore it or the fact that it seemed to be lingering around her. She turned her head, her gaze automatically focusing on the door to her apartment, her thoughts turning to the woman who had just walked out of it with a finality that seemed to cut Olivia in half. It had hurt to watch Casey walk away and the hurt was growing in leaps and bounds.

"Maybe this is too much, too soon," said Alex rising from the couch as she said the words. She sensed Olivia's reticence and knew she had to lighten the conversation.

"Listen, it's pretty late and I didn't really make plans for a place to stay, so do you mind if I stay here tonight?"

"No, of course not!" said Olivia rising like a shot from the seat she had been occupying. "Of course you can stay here. Stay as long as you like," she added before she had really thought about it.

She closed her eyes. She couldn't take the words back, but it was a mistake to let Alex stay here, she thought vaguely. I probably need some time to think about things and her being around here will not help me think.

"Thanks Olivia. I really appreciate that."

They stared at each other for a moment before Alex let out a small laugh. "This is ridiculous. I'm tired but all I want to do is hug you."

Olivia smiled, a real genuine smile that had Alex's heart soaring.

"I know how you feel," Olivia responded.

Both women simultaneously and as if by unspoken agreement embraced. The hug was longer this time and Alex relaxed into it.

It's a start, she thought. It's a start.