An Honest Choice

Title: An Honest Choice
Author: Rosie Cruz
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: A slightly longer chapter

Chapter 4

Friday Morning – 16th Precinct, New York Police Department

They talked for hours, Olivia catching Alex up on everyone's lives and Alex sharing some of the details of her own from the last three years. It was comfortable and Olivia had relaxed into the easy conversations. When Alex spontaneously kissed her, it scrambled Olivia's brains. It was a passionate kiss fueled by years of longing and desire. Alex wanted to take things further, but Olivia slowed them down. She didn't know exactly why she put a stop to their make-out session; she only knew that it had not felt right. But the relaxed conversation and the comfortable closeness they had established bolstered her confidence that maybe things were just meant to happen in this way.

By the next morning, Olivia was fully convinced that this thing with Alex was indeed meant to be. That thought - that her and Alex were meant to be – got her up in the morning and in the car. But when she let her guard down and became unfocused other thoughts invaded her calm; images of Casey blurred the clarity she thought she had gained the previous night. Now here she was driving to work, contemplating how life can change from one moment to the next and wondering how many more changes she would have to endure before the dust settled from Alex's return.

She needed to talk to Casey. She would have to explain the situation. She wasn't looking forward to having that conversation, so she tried not to think about it, taking Alex's advice to just live in the moment and be happy. But the thought of Casey kept popping into her head disrupting her concentration and the happiness she thought she should be feeling. She pulled up to the station and shook her head trying to scatter the feelings of dread and doubt that were making her chest feel heavy. She sat for a few moments thinking of what she was going to say to the guys. They would know soon enough that Alex was back. She hoped they would understand about Casey.

They had been the most supportive bunch of cops she had ever seen when they found out about her and Casey. It was amazing and she never passed up an opportunity to call them on their hidden romantic side. Her relationship with Casey was public knowledge from the beginning. Elliot would often tease her declaring that trying to hide it would have been an exercise in futility. In fact, they were often treated like a married couple. Once, the Captain had even gone so far as to rat her out to Casey when Olivia had come into work way too sick to really be there. In a strange way she felt like she would be disappointing them.

Here goes nothing, she thought as she let herself out of the car.

While she had enjoyed sharing the good news of Alex's return with the squad that morning, Olivia said nothing to them about their new relationship. She found that she just…couldn't. She remembered when she and Casey had moved from close friends to something much more. She hadn't been able to contain herself and the gang figured it out immediately. This thing with Alex was something different. She felt it and it worried her.

I really need to stop making comparisons. And I really need to talk to Casey.

It turned out to be a good thing that she chose not to share that part of their relationship with the squad that morning, since she received an urgent phone call from Alex after barely starting her day. Alex had tactfully told her that a public relationship was out of the question, at least for right now. Olivia had to understand that she needed to get her life in order before making any big pronouncements about her sexuality. Olivia knew she should be more bothered by that. Instead she merely found it interesting. She could never imagine Casey making such a request of her and she instinctually knew it would have bothered her if Casey had put such limits on their relationship, but with Alex it was just…different.

In the afternoon Alex visited the station with more surprising news. She had been a very busy girl. Things were getting back to normal for her professionally. She was coming back to the DA's office in her old position as ADA for SVU. According to Alex, she asked Branch for any position and he rewarded her with her old one, with a promise of a promotion in the near future. Olivia started to ask where that left Casey, but Alex waved her off and said Casey would probably end up better off than Alex after everything was settled. A sigh of relief had escaped Olivia's lungs before she could stop it. Alex either did not hear it or chose to ignore it.

Friday Night – O'Malley's Bar

With the news of Alex's return spreading like wildfire, it was inevitable that some sort of party would be organized. It was Friday night and the party was due to start soon. Olivia was making her way to O'Malley's to join the others, deciding to leave the car at the station and walk the short distance to the bar. She would take a cab home after the party. She had lagged behind hoping she and Alex could walk over together, but Alex told her she needed to clear some things up with Branch at the office, so she was meeting her there instead. Olivia suspected that the business with Branch could have waited. Perhaps their walking over together would look too suspicious. She imagined Alex would be taking a separate cab "home" even though she was technically staying at Olivia's – all a part of the elaborate ruse that was Alex's heterosexuality. She thought about that as she walked, her hands buried in her leather jacket. She let out a frustrated breath.

This is so damn stupid, she thought.

It was much simpler and she had to admit a lot more enjoyable when she had made this walk over with Casey and no one blinked an eye that they went home together. In fact they would have probably questioned the both of them if they gave any indication that they would not be going home together.

That part of your life is over Benson, so just forget it. You've already screwed that up.

She unconsciously slowed her pace to a crawl as thoughts of Casey filled her head once again. That had been happening all day. The image of the red-head leaving her apartment last night especially haunted her. Olivia knew she would have to face Casey soon. They needed to have that last final conversation. She had called Casey earlier today intent on at least starting it, but she choked. She hadn't known what she wanted to say or what she really could say. As soon as she heard the hurt in Casey's voice, she lamely put off the "conversation" (as she now thought about it) and instead invited Casey to Alex's welcome back party.

Stupid, Benson. I mean what the fuck? Why would she want to go to that?

She was also dreading the face to face she was bound to have with Elliot who had been giving her a combination of worried and furious looks all day. They had been busy at separate tasks all day which left no chance to talk about the sudden change in Olivia's love life. Not that she would normally share those things with him, but she sensed that this time, he might want an explanation.

List of things to do, she thought as she continued her casual stroll:

Break up with Casey.

Her heart seemed to lunge at the thought. Last night with the force that was Alex in her apartment that had not seemed as daunting a task as it did today. But last night was already a distant memory and she was having problems trying to recreate the state of mind she had been in, that state of mind that led her to make the decision that had brought her here today. Last night was like being in another world where reality did not intrude. Last night, deciding that being with Alex and breaking up with Casey was the right thing to do, maybe even the expected progression of things, felt like a natural decision, as easy as the flip of a switch. And yet today, somehow, the thought seemed to knock her breath out. She needed to switch gears and think of something else for fear of passing out right there on the street.

Talk to Elliot.

She sighed hoping that conversation would go better than she imagined the first going.

As it turned out, she did not need to say much to the squad or Elliot. Alex had celebrated both her return to her old life and her return to SVU in classic Alex fashion. She came late, left early, and was not overly exuberant or wild. It was clear she was happy, but her cool collected demeanor remained in place. Casey's absence from the party did not go unnoticed and the gentle inquiries about what would happen to the tall red-head seemed to irk Alex, who shared the same information with them that she had provided to Olivia that afternoon. That seemed to brighten the spirits of the squad and Olivia noticed that they were able to enjoy themselves more.

The party seemed to relax a little after Alex thanked everyone and politely expressed her regret that she couldn't stay longer. This had been the agreed upon course of action. Olivia was supposed to follow a short time later.

Olivia never actually made it. As the party started to break up an unsettling silence seemed to permeate the small group. Elliot finally broke it.

"So what's the deal, partner? You and Casey…"

"I can't really say," said Olivia quickly. She was looking into her empty glass as she spoke, her head never coming up.

"Come on Liv. Whatever is going on between you and Cabot…well whatever. We understand if you can't…you know, talk about it, but we already know about you and Casey."

"I…I haven't talked everything out with her yet. Look…" She finally looked up.

Sympathetic eyes met her and she blew out a breath in exasperation before looking away again.

"I'd rather not say anything." Silence met her remarks. After a while, Munch spoke.

"Olivia, I'm not going to judge you as I'm sure you have your reasons, but me thinks you may live to regret what you have done," he said as he got up to take his leave. He placed a few bills on the table. "Talk to Casey. She deserves to know where she stands."

Fin followed suit. "For once I agree with Munch," he said as he added money to the pile before sauntering off.

"Wait!" she shouted to the both of them. They turned around but made no effort to retrace their steps and return to the table.

"Please?" she begged.

They made their way back but did not take their seats.

"Listen guys. About me and Alex….I know what you…suspect, but well…you can't say anything. You have to act like there's nothing going on between me and Alex. It's…it's important to her, to her career. Okay?"

"Freaking unbelievable," said Fin. "I'm out. Liv see you on the flip side and no, I won't say nothing."

Munch gave her a look she could not decipher before making his way toward the exit.

Elliot made no move to leave. He eyed her as if he was trying figure something out. She shifted in her seat, uncomfortable with the scrutiny.

"If you have something to say, say it," she finally demanded.

"Okay." He leaned forward never taking his eyes off her. "I'm only gonna say this once, Liv so listen real good. You better be damn sure about what you're doing…Because if you're not, you may be making the biggest mistake of your life." He rose out of his chair and reached for his jacket, stopped mid motion, and sat back down. "I can't figure out whether I should be worried for you or kick your ass."

Olivia blinked and furrowed her brow.

"What…what do you mean?"

"I want you to be happy Liv. But…" He stopped, trying to compose himself before continuing. Olivia knew him well enough to recognize when he was trying to get his temper under control.

"Damn it what you've done to Casey isn't right! You're both like sisters to me and I don't like to see my sisters hurt. You've hurt her, Liv. Real bad."

He paused wanting her to say something. Her face crumpled and she turned away abruptly making it clear that for the moment she was incapable of speech.

He shook his head. "I went by her office before coming out here. She's trying to be strong, but…she's hurting. She could barely look at me. Look, it's like I said, I hope you know what you're doing, because if this thing doesn't work out with Cabot, I don't think you can get Casey back." He paused as her misty eyes turned to him again. "I gotta tell you, I wouldn't even want you to try. I won't let you hurt her again." He was looking dead at her now and she knew he was serious.

She was about to fall apart and she knew it. She wiped her eyes and turned away from him. She didn't want to think about how much she was hurting Casey. She had spent all day trying not to think about that. And here was this good man trying to protect Casey from his own best friend. She heard his knuckles rasp the table as he rose from his chair.

"I'll see you around, Liv."

It wasn't supposed to be like this, Olivia thought as she watched him walk away.

She should be happy. Alex was back and all her fantasies were coming true. Weren't they? She shouldn't be sitting here alone and miserable in a bar. She let herself remember the last time the squad had gotten together for drinks. It was last week and there was no real occasion. They had all just decided to hang out after work, needing to unwind and get their minds off of everything. That night had ended so differently.

"Come on Munch. You don't really believe that crap." Elliot was mostly amused by Munch's wild conspiracy theories, but tonight his tone expressed exasperation. Some of Munch's theories were really just plain wacky and not worth the time they spent engaging him. "Alien's landing here in the 1940s? Did not happen."

"Believe it my friend. The government kept it top secret. Afraid it would cause a panic."

"How could they possibly hide something like that?" Casey's voice managed to convey seriousness tempered by a dose of humor as she addressed Munch.

"Come on, with the press being what it is, there is no way something like that would remain a secret for so long. I mean 50 years? No way. I just don't buy it. Not because it isn't plausible, but because it's impossible for anything to remain a secret for that long. People talk. They always do."

Olivia smiled and shook her head listening as her friends took turns trying to convince Munch that his theories were bunk.

She had not participated much in the conversation that night, content to just sit and observe her friends' verbal feud. The broke up late, much too late, their goodbyes sounding weary. Then she and Casey had taken a cab back to Casey's apartment. They slipped into their pajamas, popped some popcorn and just talked until they're sleepiness forced them to slip under the covers of Casey's bed in each other's arms.

Olivia couldn't help the smile that came to her face as she sat there re-living those moments. She had been happy then. She frowned. She should be happy now. She put on her jacket, placed a twenty on the growing stack of bills. Probably tipped way too much, she thought as she walked out the door. She decided to walk to her place to clear her head, but her walk took her back to the station instead and since she was there, well, there was work that she really needed to finish.