An Honest Choice
Title: An Honest Choice
Author: Rosie Cruz
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.
2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.
Chapter 5
Friday Night – Casey's Apartment
Casey walked into her apartment, not bothering to flick on the lights. She set down her worn leather briefcase, a gift from her dad when she graduated law school, and collapsed on the couch. Reaching down to slip off her shoes, she casually let her eyes wander to the picture frame of her and Liv that was propped up in its usual spot on the coffee table. She stopped suddenly, letting out a muffled cry.
Oh God, how am I going to get through this?
The nightmare that had begun last night with Alex's appearance, had gathered some steam since then. She had showed up to work early, wanting to busy herself with briefs and trial preparations, willing herself to forget the events of the previous night. But Alex was about to affect more than just Casey's personal life.
An unexpected meeting with Branch at midday had just about topped off Casey's nightmare. Alex was returning to SVU as an ADA. She was getting her old job back. They weren't exactly throwing Casey out…yet. They were looking for another position for her, a better position, Branch promised.
"This will be good for your career Casey. I promise you. We've been very happy with your work with the SVU unit. As soon as something opens up, your name will be at the top of my list of candidates."
Next up was a difficult meeting with Liz Donnelly. She was instructed to give Alex half of her caseload on Monday. Liz was all smiles and excitement.
"This is a great opportunity for you Casey. You're on Branch's radar for future promotions, and for now, with Alex taking over half of your caseload, you get a little bit of a break. Go get a personal life. Enjoy this while it lasts," she had said brightly.
Casey had plastered on her best attempt at a smile and left the office.
She leaned over to pick up the picture frame that had caused her heart to stop just moments before and her mind could not help but tumble back in time. The photo showed a relaxed Olivia lying in a hammock with Casey tucked snuggly under her chin. It was taken on their brief trip to San Francisco last fall. They had stayed at her friend Kate's.
She sighed heavily and put the frame back on the coffee table. It was her favorite picture of the two of them with Kate's undeniable talent for capturing moments on film on display. She remembered that day clearly. It was one of those rare breezy, but sunny days in the bay area, and Olivia had decided to take advantage of it by reading outside. She was the most relaxed Casey had ever seen her and Casey could not resist the temptation to join her in the hammock. She worried that it wouldn't hold the both of them, but Olivia assured her that it would. So she carefully joined her, surprised at how easily her body and Olivia's adjusted to achieve the optimum comfort. And then they both relaxed. Olivia put the book down and began stroking Casey's back. Casey tucked herself under Olivia's chin and began tracing the muscular stomach underneath her through the skimpy shirt Olivia wore. They had been content to be in each other's arms, together.
Kate, who had the fortunate habit of carrying her camera with her everywhere, stumbled upon them on returning home. She slipped onto the patio unnoticed and true to her profession, lifted her camera, clicked, and put it down before Casey and Olivia were even aware of her presence.
She sent the framed picture to Casey for her birthday with a note attached that said, Ain't love grand? The note made Casey laugh, but the photo sent a surge through her body, reminding her of how completely and totally in love she was. She had felt almost invincible. Now it was gone and she couldn't even see the picture clearly anymore. She impatiently wiped the moisture from her eyes and lay back against the couch. She knew she would have to move soon, perhaps even eat something, and at the very least, start doing the case summaries she needed to finish before Alex started on Monday.
She closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind, hoping to erase the pain she felt at her loss. She had known all along that it would happen; that it would all end this way. She tried to fight this thing she felt for Olivia for so long precisely because she knew the ending. It would have probably worked too, had her and Olivia not started spending so much time together; if they had not become friends.
Memories were all she had now and despite the pain, she indulged them remembering her first day with SVU. She had gone to assist in the search of a suspect's house, gotten yelled at, and received a very rude awakening. Her time with SVU was not going to be a walk in the park. In addition to the difficulty of trying more brutal and heartbreaking cases, she would also have to contend with the ghost of Alexandra Cabot. She figured that one out almost immediately. Everyone revered Alex. After spending a few days with the SVU unit, Casey would not have been surprised to find that the woman could walk on water. Olivia was the worst, not because her treatment of Casey was more hostile than the others but because despite the negativity and the bad feelings, Casey felt an immediate connection to her.
She knew enough about herself to recognize attraction, but it was easy to ignore when the object of your attraction was being such a complete bitch to you. It took her a long time to begin to feel that the detectives took her seriously, but she had done it. She chipped away at their tough exterior and after a while she felt their attitudes start to change. They even invited her out with them occasionally. But it was after she was attacked in her office that the transformation really occurred and Olivia was the catalyst. She became friendlier and like dominoes the other members of the squad fell into line. It had felt so wonderful to be accepted. To her surprise the attraction she felt for Olivia on their first meeting was still there. Then it became a problem. Casey closed her eyes tightly hoping to ward off more tears. The waterworks had permeated at the edge of her consciousness all day but without the tension of work, containing them now seemed impossible.
The first time she and Olivia spent significant time together outside of work had been a night weeks after the attack when she arrived home to find Olivia waiting outside the door to her building.
Casey was not surprised to see Olivia Benson standing outside her apartment complex. Her cell phone, safely tucked into her backpack, had not made a sound on her trek from work to her small apartment, but sometimes her detectives thought they could better convince her of their need for a search warrant by talking to her in person.
'Well I guess my plans for a work free Friday night just went out the window,' she thought as she rolled to a stop.
She dismounted from her bicycle and had just nudged it onto the sidewalk, when Olivia noticed her and started walking over. It was spring, and the air was still a bit nippy. Olivia walked casually toward her, her leather jacket open. She wore light colored low cut jeans, different than the ones Casey had seen her in earlier. 'Guess she changed,' she thought.
"Hello Detective. What brings you here?"
She expected a quick run-down of Olivia's latest case followed by a plea for help. What she got was a shy smile from the tall detective.
"Can I help you with anything?" asked Olivia.
Casey was taken aback, unsure of how to answer.
"Um sure. Can you hold my bags? It can get a little awkward carrying them and the bike."
Olivia dutifully reached for the bags as Casey concentrated on her bike.
"So, you haven't answered my question," said Casey glancing at Olivia and noticing the worry showing on her face. 'This must be something serious, if she's showing up here and hasn't even mentioned a case,' she thought.
"Well, I was on my way home. I had to pass your place and I just got this…Well, I mean, I thought I would see if you weren't busy or something."
They reached Casey's door. She looked back at Olivia, her heart pounding. Her face suddenly felt heated and she had to turn away quickly. 'Just relax Novak. It's not what you think it is. We've been friendly lately. She probably just needs a friend.'
"No, not busy, although when I saw you outside my front door, I thought you were ruining my Friday night." She paused and looked at Olivia seriously, "You're not, right?"
Olivia smiled. "No," she said, her eyes tracking down to her shoes. "I just thought it would be nice to have dinner or something."
Casey decided to ignore the 'or something'.
"Yeah that sounds fantastic!" she said, trying not to sound overly enthusiastic. "Is it okay, if I shower and change first?" she asked. "You can come up and wait. It won't take long."
When Olivia finally looked up, she had a full out grin on her face. "Sure, that would be great. Besides, I think you could use some help." She secured Casey's bag on her shoulder as Casey reached for the keys clipped to her bicycling jacket.
She reached over her bicycle's handlebars and managed to get the key in and turn it correctly, pushing the door open with the front tire and walking in somewhat awkwardly. She led the way to the elevators and pushed the UP button. Olivia stood there staring at the small elevator doors.
"Um, Casey, are you sure that bicycle fits in that elevator, because if those doors are any indication, that's a tiny space."
Casey just smiled as the elevator dinged. As soon as the its doors opened she pulled her bike into an upright position, holding it steady by the handlebars and rolled it into the tiny space on its back wheel.
"You better hurry up if you want to catch this ride," she shouted to Olivia, who scrambled to get inside before the doors closed.
"Honestly, Casey, how do you this every day without some help and with the stuff you bring home from work?"
"Well, I try to limit the stuff I take home. We live in an electronic age you know, and sometimes I have help from someone in the building, but mostly, I just manage. And I don't do it every day. Thanks for your help today though."
"No problem."
They made it to dinner an hour later. Casey suggested the diner across the street, since anywhere else was going to involve waiting in line. She had thoroughly enjoyed the evening and tried not to read too much into the situation. It was just two friends hanging out on a Friday night. But when the scenario had been repeated on the next two Fridays, her imagination started to get the best of her.
She began looking forward to Friday as soon as Monday rolled around. But if waiting for Friday to spend quality time with Olivia was proving to be too much, Olivia surprised her again. This time, it was Monday lunches with the beautiful detective. For the next month, Olivia and Casey saw each other regularly on Mondays and Fridays, schedules' permitting of course.
Casey barely managed to contain her joy, not to mention her fleeting fantasies, on most days during that blissful month. The ever present question, "What does it all mean?" also haunted her. She tried not reading anything into their dinners and lunches, but that became more and more difficult as they continued. They barely talked about work on those outings, preferring to talk about each other.
Casey loved the way Olivia's eyes seemed to shine when she heard Casey's stories about her days as an army brat, strutting around the base with the other brats like they owned it, but cowering whenever they saw any of their fathers. She talked to Olivia about her brothers and father, law school, coming out, and her first days at the DA's office. Olivia was slightly less forthcoming, but she explained to Casey that her stories just weren't as much fun as Casey's and that she preferred to listen and imagine Casey as a small child, unruly and wild running around an army base acting as if it had been placed there for her amusement.
When Olivia first shared the story of her conception with Casey and shared some of the more harrowing experiences that come with being a kid of an alcoholic parent, Casey's heart went out to her and she could not stop herself from touching Olivia. She instinctually placed a hand on Olivia's arm and squeezed wanting to do something, anything, to support Olivia, to help the pain go away. Olivia did not flinched at the touch, although she was normally not the type of person for whom those physical intimacies were tolerable. In fact, she seemed surprised by the gesture and had not been able to contain a smile. Casey was astonished at how natural the gesture seemed to her. That had been a turning point.
Touches became more frequent and regular between them after that, although they were careful to maintain their distance at work. It was not as difficult as Casey had imagined it would be interacting at work, but then thinking about "different interactions at work" implied a developing relationship and Casey was trying hard not to think about that too; preferring to just live in the moment.
However, the constant need to touch Olivia eventually became a bit of a problem when they were out together. One Friday, as they walked out of Rick's Bar and Grill, she had to physically stop herself from threading her arm through Olivia's. She was three quarters of the way there, when she recognized where she was headed and screamed at her arms to detour to her own pockets.
When she saw Olivia Benson at her door one Wednesday night, she had to do a quick mental check to ensure that she had not completely missed Thursday, reaching Friday night without even realizing it. She quickened her pace as Olivia came closer reaching for Casey's bags automatically.
"Hello Detective," she said, thinking that if this was not a professional call, her night had just picked up.
Olivia fell into step with her easily. "Hello Counselor," she responded, never breaking her stride. "How do you feel about Thai?" she asked as they reached Casey's door.
"Love Thai. You know that. You promised me Thai food this Friday." She looked at Olivia hoping to get a clue as to why Olivia was here on Wednesday night acting as if it were Friday, but none were forthcoming. They made their way to Casey's apartment before Olivia picked up the thread of conversation again.
"I um…didn't feel like waiting till Friday," she said as she placed the bags on the couch. Casey was hefting her bike onto the hooks hanging from the ceiling. Olivia watched her skillfully turn the bike over and lift, catching the hooks on the first try. Casey was relieved to hear some acknowledgment that Olivia knew what day it was. She turned around once her bike was secure and gave Olivia a questioning look.
"So, you show up here, thinking you would find me free and in the mood for Thai on a Wednesday night?" she asked, playfully. She began walking toward the bathroom and her shower. "I guess that doesn't say much for my social life huh, but still detective…" she paused at the entrance to the bathroom and turned to Olivia who was standing in the middle of her living room, hands tucked into her jacket pockets.
"A girl likes to be asked."
"But…um…I just" Olivia sputtered.
"Relax Liv. I'll be out in a few minutes."
Casey opened her eyes. She needed to stop thinking about this. With a desperate effort she heaved herself off the couch and made for her bedroom and a change of clothes.
Friday Night – 16th Precinct
Olivia was trying to busy herself with work. She should go home, but after the somewhat awkward conversations at O'Malley's she wanted to get lost in something besides the present and going home would not do that. Her cell phone was on her desk, the vibrations emanating from it from time to time starting to annoy her. She ignored it anyway and tried to concentrate on the paperwork in front of her. The phone's vibrations continued and in a moment of frustration she picked it up and tossed it in a drawer slamming it with more force than necessary.
She should answer it, but right now she was feeling off balance and well, she just couldn't handle conversation. Instead she leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes willing her thoughts to wander to more pleasant things. By their own accord they took her to a different time, not so long ago when she was tripping into something wonderful. Her vision was as clear as day. She saw herself standing in Casey's apartment struggling with how to ask her out and smiled.
'Of course a girl likes to be asked! Dumb Benson, real dumb. What am I doing here? Get a grip. You're an adult, you've dated before. Is that what this is? Shit. I should talk to her, ask her properly first.'
She plopped down on the couch before realizing she still had her jacket on. Quickly discarding it she thought, 'first things first. I'll ask her if she wants to have dinner here with me tonight and hope she says yes. If she doesn't, I'm going to be eating leftovers for the next two weeks.'
The buzzing coming from Casey's hallway made her jump and she hurried over to press the button that would let the delivery man in.
'So much for asking her before the food got here.'
She waited for him to make the short trek from the lobby to Casey's apartment, paid for the food and placed it in Casey's small kitchen. She looked around the familiar surroundings.
'Amazing'
They had not talked about what was happening between them and yet she felt so comfortable here with Casey or rather anywhere with Casey. 'We're going to have to talk about that soon.'
She heard the shower stop and the creak of the bathroom door. When she heard Casey's bedroom door close softly she walked out of the kitchen area. 'Do or die, Benson.'
The phone's vibrations snapped Olivia back to the present. It was too quiet in the station for her not to hear it even encased as it was in her drawer. Bowing to the inevitable, she pulled open the drawer where she had tossed the phone and retrieved it, but just as her fingers touched the warm smooth surface, the vibrations stopped. She held it aloft staring at it as if it was something foreign before putting it in her pocket and heading for the crib. She needed to sleep off the booze she had consumed before attempting to drive home. At least that's what she told herself and what she would tell Alex tomorrow.
Friday Night - Casey's Apartment
Casey had tried to focus on the little things; walking to the bedroom, searching for clothes, actually putting them on, but the memories that had started in the living room followed her and she could not help but return to that night.
Casey stepped out of the bedroom wearing a comfortable pair of jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. She was happy that Olivia had stopped by, but the uncertainty of what they were doing was driving her crazy. She needed to know if this was still just a couple of friends hanging out – a lot – or if it was something more because if it was something more, she needed to think, to prepare, and to decide if she was willing to take such a huge risk with Olivia. She had not yet worked out what she was going to say once she stepped out of the sanctity of her bedroom, but she knew they needed to talk.
Olivia was standing there waiting for her to emerge.
"Willyouhavedinnerwithmetonight?" Olivia said quickly before letting her eyes drop to her shoes again, a gesture Casey was beginning to recognize as one Olivia used to mask vulnerability, real or imagined.
'Absolutely' was on the tip of Casey's tongue, but she stopped herself. She needed to know what this all meant - if anything. She walked towards Olivia forcing Olivia's gaze upward. "Like a date?" she questioned trying to keep her tone playful.
"Yes, like a date," was Olivia's clear response her steady gaze caught in the emerald green eyes that were dancing in front of her.
"I would love to," said Casey in a huskier tone than she had intended.
Casey broke away first. "So, Thai huh?"
"Yes. The best Thai food on the east coast awaits us in your kitchen," said Olivia with a little flourish. She made her way to the kitchen, followed by a very happy Casey.
That night had ended like most of their dinner dates with the two women seated on Casey's couch facing each other. Casey's head was propped up by her right hand casually resting on the back of the couch. Olivia sat at the other end, her left arm completely extended on the back of the couch, fingers just inches from Casey's arm, her left leg bent at the knee and propped up. Neither woman had talked about the dating thing, content to just know that they were.
Casey was trying to stay awake. She was tired but Olivia was watching her so intently that she wanted to remain in that gaze and so she fought the sleepy haze. Olivia extended her fingers until they touched the soft skin on Casey's arms. The touch ignited Casey's senses and suddenly she was very awake.
"Sorry, I almost dozed off there," she said trying to cover for the intense reaction Olivia's touch had produced.
"Not at all…You…look…quite adorable when you're sleepy. But I should leave."
Despite the unwelcome announcement she made no immediate moves to depart seeming to be content to stroke the arm she had just found and let her gaze linger on Casey a little longer.
"I guess it is getting late," said Casey, but she too was making no move to get up.
Olivia was the first to break the contact this time as she put her legs down and stood up. Casey watched Olivia start to make her way to the chair where Olivia's jacket lay but to Casey's surprise, Olivia stopped in front of her and offered her a hand. She gladly accepted Olivia's help as she was heaved off of the comfortable sofa, loosening her grip as soon as she felt steady on her feet. Olivia's own grip tightened, refusing to let Casey go. They stood face to face.
"You okay to walk?" asked Olivia with a teasing smile on her face.
"Yeah" said Casey using her other hand to tuck a stray hair behind her ear.
Olivia picked up her jacket with her free hand, never letting go of Casey's and effectively dragged Casey with her down the hall. She stopped just in front of the door and turned around.
"Goodbye Casey" she whispered as she tilted her head and placed a soft kiss on Casey's cheek. She smiled at Casey one last time before opening the door and stepping out into the hallway.
Casey was speechless. She locked the door securely and leaned against it wanting to capture that wonderful moment in her mind so that she could recollect it later over and over again.
And she was doing just that. Casey was staring at the ceiling, her mind lost in the memory. She wondered if Olivia had even thought about them since Alex's return. Was she playing these memories over and over again in her head?
Probably not.