Chapter Seven

Midnight Calls to Remind Us

From awkward AIM conversations, came the begging of phone calls; the need to feel our voices travel through our bodies. The lust for those static vibrations. Fuck it, I want to hear my name travel through his mouth. He was the only one who could say my name so perfectly-the only one. I wanted to speak to him, but I was afraid that hearing that heavenly voice would awaken all the bad memories that I seemed to link with him. Who wouldn't after the way things went down? Sure, our AIM conversations held no fights, but the phone is a much different case. Those voices that harbored so much love; harbored so much pain- and I didn't want to fight with him anymore.

However, I couldn't deny that his voice was slowly becoming a distant memory in my head. The voice that had been, at one point, the only music I could allow in my head was dying with every day I traveled this world without it. I knew he felt the same, to an extent. He never said it out loud- due to pride, I guessed- that he wanted me to call, or that he even missed my voice. But I could tell with every slowly thought out line he would punch through aim, he didn't want to be lost in the jumbles of text that clouded my scream. He wanted to be the voice inside my head.

There were times I considered calling him. It was getting more frequent as Thanksgiving was lingering around the corner like an assassin. My mother already called me to yell at me for not accepting her invite to Thanksgiving dinner, and then proceeded to threaten me over the phone- that if I didn't join her she was going to┘I know now┘kill me or something. I kind of tuned her out. Anyway, Reno was still living with my parents, meaning he was going to be there, meaning I had to see him again anyway, so what was keeping me from really calling him? Should I just get it the fuck over it┘so that there were no surprises when I returned home? That was logical.

In a way, however. There was also the side of me who felt that putting a face to the voice was much better than just making him a disembodied voice over a telephone.

But as I stared at my cell phone, the need to hear him speak over took all logic and sanity, and at three in the morning, I dialed his number. As each ring dragged out, I realized I had absolutely nothing to say to him! I could confess my undying love with the word vomit that hung in my throat; but wow wouldn't that be fucking over dramatic.

"You better have a good fucking reason to be calling at three am," the groggy voice of Reno echoed.

"Uhh, I uh," I slipped on my words, "Yo!"

There was a deep silence on the other end of the line, and I feared that I had jumped the gun by calling him. Maybe he was just as scared as I. Maybe he wasn't fucking ready to hear my voice and have those old scars that were most likely still bleeding to be re-opened. Maybe he was still, deep down, pissed off at me for leaving him behind. I couldn't blame him for that anymore- no, 'cause I know for a second if he had done the same, I would have flipped out. I finally managed to acknowledge it was my entire fault┘

"Hey baby," he said doubtfully. The nickname awoke those little butterflies in my stomach, and I tried to suppress the school girl giggle that threatened to fall from my mouth- god, he still had that affect on me.

"How are you?" I asked, "Sorry I called so late."

"Nah, it's cool," he yawned, "I was thinking about you."

"Oh! Me to, I mean thinking of you, not of me. That would be weird if I was thinking of me, right?"

There was another lengthy pause, but I could here him snickering in the background, "Oh god, Strife, you act like you and I never fucked before."

I clenched my jaw, "I am not acting like anything."

"Dude, you sound like some thirteen you old girl talking to her crush," he snorted, "or in your case- you when you met Gerard Way!"

"Oh my God! Do not bring that up!"

"I can't believe you told him you loved him!"

"I didn't say it exactly like that, you are exaggerating!"

He cleared his throat and attempted to impersonate my voice- as if he could! "Oh, Gerard Way, I love you so much, even though this is my boyfriend standing next to me, I'd rather fuck you than him."

"I did not say that!" I shrieked, causing my roommate to throw a shoe at me head.

"Okay, maybe you didn't, but I don't doubt that's what you meant."

I huffed, blowing a flew strands of my choppy blonde locks out of my eyes. I listened to his static laughter for a few moments, just basking in the beauty of his voice. It was relaxing listening to him sound so happy, though it was at my expense. I couldn't lie though; I'd rather he find happiness in laughing at me, than anger in the memories that were most likely awakened the moment he head my nervous voice. I smiled, as he continued his relentless mocking, not even bothering to tell him to "shut up" as I would have done several months ago.

"Cloud," he finally said, slowly...pronouncing my single syllable name as if it was attached to royalty.

"Yeah, Reno?"

"Why did you really call?"

It as a loaded question- one I didn't have the automatic answer to. I called for many reasons, right? I called to hear his voice, to see if I could deal with listening to him before I could actually see him, to hear him say my name. No, there was no specific reason- then again, why else would I call at such a late hour, on a school night no less.

"I love you," I mumbled into my cell phone. Okay, yeah, over dramatic. Whatever. You sit there and tell me there is not one person you would like to call and say those words to? I had to say them- they were tearing me apart on the inside. I couldn't help but love him, despite every punch, and ever stab, and every time he hurt me. I feared that I was never going to get over him; what was the point of fighting it, anyway? Why, so I could sit there and be miserable? God, maybe Cid was right about me, which fucking freaked me out- I hated when that fucker was right. Especially about me! It was like┘he was in my head or something.

"I know," Reno sighed, "I know you do."

I scrunched my nose, "How do you know I do?"

"Well...you kind of just said it, you know."

"Yeah, guess I did." That's when it hit me- he wasn't going to say them back. I swallowed back the pain that had gathered in my chest and threatened to attack that beating organ that was the source of all the trouble in my short life. I heard him sigh; he knew I wanted him to say them back and to reassure me that everything was going to be okay between us. I remembered the prom-night phone call. The boy on the other line who dubbed Reno his boyfriend. Did he already replace me with some nameless no body from a drunken night out? Was I that easy to replace? Maybe I was...maybe I was the only one still holding on to the slim fairy tale like hope.

Fairy tales are fairy tales for a reason.

"Don't be like that," he whispered, "You know..."

"Then say it." I huffed and gritted my teeth to prevent myself from saying anything that would start a potential fight. He was still hardheaded and stubborn- that much was certain from his venting about teachers at CSI- and if I said anything to piss me off, he would have no problems getting in my face about it. Even over the phone.

"No," he argued, "I will not say it."

"Why not?"

I could almost feel him flash me that lopsided smirk he was infamous for. "Because, the static of the phone doesn't make it sound as beautiful."

My body felt high, and I honestly thought I could float away in that moment. I smiled like an idiot and tried to find the words to respond to that; but I couldn't. There was nothing to say after that┘he summed up every thing I had been feeling in just a few words. He was right, to; love just didn't sound as beautiful over the phone.

"I'll see you at Thanksgiving," he got me; I knew that. But I have wanted him to capture me since I first met him, right? No matter how dangerous.

"Yeah, you will."

"I'll talk to you later then, bye Cloud."

"Bye Reno..."

I flipped my phone closed and placed it back on my night table. I stayed into the darkness that loamed outside my window for several minutes. It was so dark in Upstate New York- not even street lamps seemed to wander in this place after hours. The stars twinkled overhead offered little light despite how bright they seemed to shine against the untouched night. No artificial lights to chase away their bluish light. I couldn't help my remember something he said so long ago: "Light can be good and light can be bad." Did that me darkness could be the same? Was it sometimes better to hide in the shadows, ignoring the truth that was sure to come out? Ignorance is bliss they say- I couldn't help but think that applied to us in that moment.

But if it meant I would be happy for a few more days, I would take it.

Even though the consequences were much more horrible the second time around.