An Honest Choice
Title: An Honest Choice
Author: Rosie Cruz
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.
2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.
Author's Note: Our two ladies will be done with the trips down memory lane soon and for those Olivia/Casey fans out there worried about Alex/Olivia love scenes, there won't really be any Alex/Olivia scenes that a hardcore fan might object to, so hang in there if you can. It all works out in the end, right?
Chapter 6
Saturday Morning - Casey's Apartment
Hours after speaking to Jordan, Casey was still doing case summaries or trying to anyway. She looked up from her place on the couch trying to avert her eyes from the picture frame that represented all that was left of her relationship with Olivia. She had not been able to divulge herself of the habit all evening. Every time she looked up, ostensibly to check the time, her eyes were drawn to the spot where the picture stood, wherever that happened to be. She tried moving it from the coffee table and placing it on the entertainment center that held her television, and then on the windowsill. Interestingly, she had not been able to put it away and out of sight. That would have been too obvious a solution.
The gesture always seemed comforting at first, as it reminded her that she and Olivia had been happy once. Then the reality of the situation invaded those warm thoughts and she would quickly avert her gaze and look at the time. She had not eaten, only managing the orange juice earlier and a few cups of coffee since then. Drinking so much damn coffee was a habit that she picked up while working with SVU. There was always a pot of coffee brewing at the station. She glanced at the time again with a sigh.
1:13 am.
I should go to bed, she thought.
She set her laptop on the coffee table and proceeded to begin the shutdown process, gathering the papers spread all around her as she listened to the whirring noises of the laptop. When she heard the distinctive Microsoft chime that indicated her system had shut down, she leaned back on the couch and closed her eyes. I have to go into that bedroom and go to sleep. She tried repeating that message over and over again in her head, hoping her body would comply with the directive, but instead, more memories flooded her consciousness.
Casey sat frozen, eyes staring straight ahead, hands poised strategically over the keyboard, as still as the quiet eerie night that surrounded her. She was working late…again, but her mind was far from where it needed to be. Her thoughts were floating, scene after scene, some imagined, others very real drifting in and out of her head like clouds on a breezy day. The thoughts kept engaging her like the brief she was working on could not. It was so much better to think about her, the tall dark haired detective that had somehow buried herself deep in Casey's mind permeating every thought, every sensation, simply everything. She couldn't stop thinking about her and because thoughts about the beautiful woman were often followed by nice tingling sensations, stomach flops and shaking hands, she couldn't stop feeling either. It was like drowning, but in a calm sea, filled with warmth and comfort. Olivia Benson had invaded her and she was easily conquered. It was somehow, inexplicably wonderful and annoying all at once. She shook her head, the first sign that she was indeed in control over her physical body, that it wasn't permanently paralyzed by her mind's inability to get Olivia Benson off the brain.
She closed her eyes and bowed her head slightly, relaxing her fingers and wrists and settling her hands on her desk. 'This has got to stop.' she thought.
The last time she and Olivia had spent any time together had been on the softball field during practice. Since then, the detective had been consumed by the case that had been unceremoniously dropped on her lap in the middle of whatever was happening between them. For the last two weeks, she and Olivia only had conversations about work. The Wednesday lunches had stopped; there were no impromptu dinners, and the last two Fridays she had found herself strolling up to her apartment, disappointed that there was no one lingering out front.
She knew it was the job. She knew rationally that Olivia had been living and breathing this case and that it left little room for anything else. She had handled cases that were all consuming before, so she was not unfamiliar with the phenomena. But her rational mind seemed to be idling at the starting line lately as her overactive hormones and the more irrational out of control emotions raced around and around the track. She was moody. There were times that thoughts of the beautiful detective and the sparks between them distracted her, ruining her concentration. At other times, doubts and insecurities plagued her. Olivia wasn't really interested. Casey wasn't Alex and never would be. Olivia wasn't calling because Casey wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, blond enough.
Maybe this distance was good. She knew she needed some perspective, some time to rationally and clearly analyze what was happening between them. The potential pitfalls were evident. She wasn't sure what, if anything had happened between Alex and Olivia. Had they parted friends or lovers? Were any promises made? All outward signs notwithstanding, a part of her wondered if Olivia had ever gotten over Alex. Regardless of whether the two had actually shared something beyond friendship, Casey was pretty sure Olivia had been in love with her.
'Had been or is?' she frowned. 'This is not helping. Maybe I should just go home.'
Having finally made a decision, she rose abruptly from her seat, looking around her office, trying to decide what to take home with her. She was annoyed. This thing with Olivia was starting to get really irritating. She couldn't stop thinking about her, couldn't see her, they hadn't talked, and she couldn't even talk herself out of taking things slow and not getting ahead of herself. She started throwing things in her briefcase roughly, getting angrier and angrier at herself and her inability to control this thing, that as of yet had no name.
'It was the waiting,' she thought, 'the not knowing what was happening.' It was like someone had pressed pause on the action, but her mind continued to roll, forever thinking and rethinking the situation until she thought she would go crazy with the uncertainty of it all. "Damn it!" she said out loud. She threw her bag on the floor in frustration just barely noting the very solid thump it made as it landed. She let her body flop onto the flimsy couch in her office and threw her head back bringing her arms up to cover her eyes.
'Get a fucking grip, Novak. You can't control the fact that she's on a case, so she doesn't have time for you.'
She almost missed the soft knock at her door, so caught up in her inner ramblings, but it was persistent enough that she took notice. She sat up alert now, her eyes automatically darting to the wall propping up her bat. She was on her feet and reaching for it, even as she asked who it was. It was a silly question of course, as the door had no locks and whoever it was could simply enter without an invitation from her.
A dark figure filled the doorway. Casey's whole body began shaking as she lifted her bat higher, preparing for whatever was coming through the door.
"Casey? Hey, I didn't know if you'd be here, but I thought I'd take a chance. I heard you've been…Whoa Casey, what are you doing? Are you okay?"
The relief flooded her instantly as she recognized Olivia's voice and slowly lowered the bat. Olivia was at her side in an instant, carefully taking the bat and engulfing her in a full body hug.
"God, I'm sorry Casey. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm so sorry."
Casey's heart, instead of calming itself, beat even faster than it had been seconds before Olivia walked in, when thoughts of Zergin had invaded Casey's consciousness. Her arms instinctually wrapped themselves around Olivia's body.
"Oh God," she whispered.
Olivia's hand was cupping the back of Casey's head, the other running up and down her back. "It's okay. I'm sorry."
Casey didn't know her body was capable of feeling so much at once. She was immensely relieved that it had not been another Zergin at the door, but being in Olivia's arms after such a long absence was putting her hormones and emotions into warp drive for completely different reasons. She squeezed Olivia harder, never wanting to let go.
"I'm sorry," said Casey. "I just get spooked sometimes. I didn't mean to freak out on you. But just so you know, I may not let go for a while."
"It's okay. God Casey, you don't have to apologize to me for scaring you. And frankly…I don't want to stop holding you either."
After a few minutes, Casey reluctantly loosened her hold on the detective, stepping back just enough to be able to look at Olivia without letting go entirely, hooking her fingers together around Olivia's waist and effectively locking her in.
"What are you doing here anyway?"
Olivia looked up, seeming unsure of something. The hand that had been cupping Casey's head was now tangled in Casey's auburn locks. Olivia let out a nervous breath. She met Casey's eyes, searching for and finding the thinly veiled desire that matched her own and unconsciously licked her lips.
"What am I doing here?" she repeated the question, her eyes never leaving Casey's face.
Not waiting for a response and with hopeful eyes that closed as they moved closer, she brought both hands to cup Casey's face and leaned in, gently brushing warm lips. Casey's response was immediate. She leaned in closer, encouraging Olivia to deepen the kiss. Olivia did and Casey was in heaven, her heart pounding; her legs shaking. She gave in to Olivia's kiss heedless of the idle warnings of her rational mind: that Olivia was not ready for this, that she herself wasn't, that there were too many things yet uncertain. Somehow Olivia's hands made their way to Casey's waist and Casey's arms found themselves around Olivia's neck both women pulling their bodies closer. Needing a moment to breathe, the kiss slowed to gentle nibbling until they reluctantly pulled away; their heads leaned forward still touching, drawn together by the need to remain in physical contact, while they caught their breath. Casey's arms were still wrapped around Olivia's neck. Olivia's right hand reached up to touch the arm resting comfortably on her shoulder as if wanting reassurance that it would stay. Their ragged breathing sounded loud in the silence. Neither woman spoke, content to hold each other for as long as they could.
"That's why I'm here," Olivia finally said, her voice sounding hoarse and almost unrecognizable.
"What?" asked Casey, slightly confused.
Olivia tried to elaborate.
"You asked why I was here. That's why I'm here."
"I did?"
Olivia did not answer right away. She leaned in and found Casey's still swollen lips and kissed her again. She pulled back wanting to be sure that this was okay with Casey, that she was alright with the leap their relationship had taken in just a few short minutes. What she saw made her heart thump even louder. Casey's lips were open, her breathing still ragged and she was staring at Olivia's lips with a hunger that Olivia found very hard to resist.
Casey closed her eyes, wanting to calm herself not wanting those inviting beautiful lips to encourage her to fulfill one of the many fantasies she had that involved her office and the gorgeous detective standing in front of her. She gathered up the few wits she had left, but couldn't resist the urge to hug Olivia again.
"So you came all the way up here, looking for me, so you could scare the bejeezus outta me and then kiss me senseless?"
"I didn't mean to scare you, but yes, I very much…" Olivia kissed her "wanted to kiss you." She kissed her again. "The thought of it has been driving me nuts for the last two weeks. Or the thought of you was driving me nuts. I'm not sure what the difference is there. I'm sorry we didn't talk more, I just got caught up in this case and there didn't seem to be enough time in my day. Most days I stopped working, it was way too late to call or have dinner. The thought of not seeing you again tonight was too much so…"
She took Casey's hand and led her to the sofa where she promptly sat down pulling Casey down with her. "I thought I'd stop by because I decided when I woke up this morning, that no matter what, I needed to see you. But more than that, I've wanted to kiss you for so long that I was afraid if I didn't, I was going to go crazy. So I had to do it. That and I think Elliot would have killed me if I didn't. I think I was driving him nuts too." She smiled and kissed Casey's hand.
"Well I'm glad you stopped by detective. God, I am so glad you stopped by. I've wanted to kiss you for a long time too."
"How long?"
"Since 'who the hell are you?' Do you remember?" said Casey beaming at Olivia.
Olivia frowned. "Casey, that was… I'd prefer it if you didn't remember that," answered Olivia shifting uncomfortably.
"Of course I remember it. That's when we met."
Olivia's eyes turned serious.
"Can I say I'm sorry, that I was a complete ass, and that I could not have been more wrong about someone?"
'Ah, guilt,' thought Casey. She could fix that.
Casey straddled her. Olivia was surprised at the movement but recovered quickly letting her hands settle on Casey's hips as Casey leaned forward stopping just inches from Olivia's mouth. "Yes, you can. But I was pretty obnoxious myself, so I'm sorry too, okay?"
"Anything you say counselor," said Olivia as she closed the remaining distance between them for yet another kiss.
Moments later, they were on the couch, side by side, breathing extremely hard. Olivia reached for Casey's hand.
"We need to talk," she said.
Casey didn't know whether to be nervous or not. She looked down at their intertwined hands and thought about the very heavy make-out session they'd just had and the abrupt way she had to end it lest it get out of control. She tried to stem the panic, but her fears and insecurities were biting at the edges of her consciousness.
"Okay." Casey started to pull her hand away, frowning and wondering how something so wonderful could all of a sudden look so ominous. But Olivia didn't let go.
She held on to Casey's hand, seeming concerned at the growing confusion on Casey's face.
"Hey" She placed her fingers under Casey's chin forcing her head up and then she leaned in and kissed her again. If she was going to say something further, it got lost in the kiss just like Casey's fears. The effect was quite magical. Casey relaxed into Olivia's embrace. After a few moments, Olivia pulled away smiling.
"I take it you haven't eaten?"
"What?" said Casey still floating in the erotic haze of that last kiss and all of the other kisses they had shared tonight.
"How about if we pick up some Chinese food and go to my place? I haven't had a decent meal since I started this case and my guess would be that you probably skipped dinner too."
Casey's mind was slowly clearing. "Yeah that sounds great," she said eager now for the rest of the night. They rose simultaneously from the couch, hands still clasped together.
"And then we can have that talk," said Olivia.
Casey could not help the nervous flutters in her stomach at the second mention of a "talk". Her heart was doing more flip flops today than a Russian gymnast.
"Am I gonna like this talk?" she asked trying not to sound like the worried school girl she felt like.
She stepped over the bag she had packed earlier and went to her computer, reluctantly letting go of Olivia's hand. Olivia was looking around searching for Casey's jacket and bag. As she made her way to the wall hook that held Casey's jacket, her foot caught on something and she found herself sprawled on the floor.
"Oh God, are you okay?" asked Casey going to her.
"Oh yeah, just feeling a little embarrassed right now. What the hell was on the floor?" she said getting up and dusting her hands off .
Casey closed her eyes. "That was my bag. Sorry. I should have told you it was there. Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'll be a lot better once we leave. Are you ready?"
"Yeah, just let me grab my jacket." Casey jumped up and grabbed her jacket. Olivia reached down for the killer bag and hefted it on her shoulders before both women walked out into the still night.
Casey woke the next morning on the couch still dressed in her sweats and t-shirt. Apparently her lack of sleep the previous night had finally caught up with her. That's two nights in a row that you could not make it into that bedroom, she thought. Things have to change. Softball season was supposed start in a few weeks, and Casey took a moment to ponder time. Officially, she and Olivia had been just shy of their 1st year anniversary.
She made her way to the bathroom, locating her toothbrush and finding solace in the fact that she was not so devastated that she still cared about hygiene. She was concentrating on the brushing, hoping to find some respite from thoughts of Olivia, when she heard loud pounding. She spit into the bathroom sink and made her way to the front door.
What the hell? Who would be able to get past the front door without buzzing the doorbell?
Figuring it was one of her neighbors, she opened the door without looking through the peep hole. Olivia would yell at me for that, she thought as she greeted her visitor.
"Holy Crap! Jordan?"
"Told you I was coming."
The reunion between the two friends was joyful despite the circumstances. They hugged fiercely but it wasn't long before Jordan felt Casey's body shaking. Jordan led Casey down the hall and to the couch, coaxing her to sit and planting herself right next to Casey.
"Tell me about it."
"Oh there's not much more to tell than what I told you last night."
"Have you and Olivia talked yet?"
"No, we haven't and truthfully I'm not sure if I want to right now. I mean…" she paused as she wiped her eyes. "When we have our talk, it'll be all over. Right now, all of this, while I know where it's headed, it still hasn't happened yet. Maybe that's crazy, but there is something comforting in that." She stood up now and began walking around the apartment touching various objects as she paced.
"On the other hand, once we have the 'talk,' this waiting, this uncertainty will finally be over and I can start to figure out how to move on…Damn it! It was all so perfect but, I knew this would happen. I'm madder at myself than anyone else right now."
"What do you mean by that? That doesn't make sense, because if everything was perfect, this shouldn't be happening and why aren't you mad at her? That BITCH just left at the first sight of another woman!" Jordan spat out angrily. She couldn't believe Casey wasn't furious.
"No, you don't understand. It was perfect as long as everyone imagined that Alex was dead. But I knew she wasn't and I knew that despite everything Olivia and I had, she wasn't really over Alex. I doubt whether she could ever get over her. But if Alex was dead, what was the point in worrying about that? I let myself fall deeply in love with a woman who had never really gotten over someone else. I guess the more I saw of Olivia, the more I convinced myself that she was moving on because she had convinced herself, like me, that Alex was not coming back and that would allow her to give herself to me. She did. I felt it every time we were together and as time passed and we became more a part of each other, it was easier and easier to not even think of Alex at all."
"Look Casey. You're smart. Have always been a helluva of a lot smarter than me, but I think you're off base on this one. If she loved you as much as you love her, then the three of us would be sitting here talking about what a miracle Alex's return was, wishing her the best of luck in life and discussing dinner plans tonight. And you would be in Olivia's arms the whole time. No questions, no doubts, no drama."
"I know." Casey looked unsure. "What I'm telling you is that I knew all along she didn't love me as much as I loved her, because Alex was there first. Alex always had a part of Olivia's heart, while Olivia had all of mine."
A loud buzzing interrupted them. For a split second, Jordan thought it might be Kate, but then the rational part of her brain kicked in. There was no physical way Kate could be at the door unless she had been on the same plane as Jordan. Casey seemed confused as she rose from the couch and made her way to the intercom.
"Who is it?" she spoke into the white console.
"It's me," answered a static filled voice.
Casey froze. For a moment she contemplated not pushing the buzzer.
"Hey, you okay?" Jordan's voice broke into her thoughts.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she said as she pushed the button that would allow Olivia entry.
Casey made her way back to the couch, but did not sit.
"It's her. I guess it's time to face the music." She wiped her eyes trying to will away the tears that seemed to be gathering at an alarming pace. She had to get a hold of herself.
"Do you want me to tell her to leave? You don't have to do this now Casey. I'll kick her out. In fact, I would love to kick her."
Jordan's words helped Casey focus.
She should be mad. She didn't deserve to be treated like this. Anger would work.
But the soft knock at the door seemed to immobilize her again. Jordan took the initiative. She touched Casey's arm briefly before striding confidently to the door. She opened it with a great deal of force, the anger that had been festering at the edges seemingly coming forth in the pull of her arm.
"What do you want?" she said through gritted teeth, her hands crossed.
Olivia was in shock. She was expecting Casey.
Who the fuck was this? She knew everybody Casey knew and she definitely did not know this woman.
"Who the hell are you?" she responded with a tinge of anger.
Should she be allowed to feel this? Olivia's thoughts were running wild. She fucking met someone? In two mother fucking days, she meets somebody and a goon no less? Great, just fucking great!
"What…do…you...want?" growled Jordan again moving forward and effectively blocking Olivia's view of the room.
She felt warmth behind her as Casey walked up. "It's okay Jordan." Casey touched Jordan's arm with shaky hands. "It's okay."
Jordan didn't think she looked okay. She looked like she was gonna fall apart any minute now. Fighting her instincts and against her better judgment, she relented and stepped back.
The anger seemed to fade from Olivia as soon as she saw Casey standing there trying to hold herself together.
Jesus, what have you fucking done, Benson?
"Hello Casey." She gulped not sure if she could get any more words out. She took a deep breath. "I thought we should talk," she said a little surprised that she had managed it. She wondered just how she was going to manage the rest of the conversation.