An Honest Choice

Title: An Honest Choice
Author: Rosie Cruz
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: At some point the chapters will get shorter again. Thanks to those of you who have submitted reviews. Much appreciated.

Chapter 8

Jordan and Casey walked into Casey's tiny apartment a full three hours after Olivia had shown up there. They had left Olivia alone to gather the substantial amount of things she kept at Casey's. They calculated three hours was more than enough time for Olivia to have cleared out. Although Casey tried to put up a brave front, Jordan could feel the sadness radiating off of her. They had gone to a restaurant about six blocks away for a small brunch thing and coffee. At first Jordan headed for the diner across the street as the most logical eating choice, but Casey had said flatly "No, not there," and that had been that. She figured the restaurant played some part in Olivia and Casey's courtship or something. She didn't dare ask, unsure of how to exactly handle the fragile attorney, who was barely holding it together, especially after what had happened with Olivia that morning.

Jordan knew her friend was hurting, but she had never been good with this emotional support stuff. Her first instinct was always to fight and protect. Her anger had been just below the surface that morning but was in full force after Olivia's unannounced little visit. Casey insisted that she stay when Olivia had looked at Jordan and asked for some privacy, and so she did trying to figure out how she could shield Casey from this woman who was hurting her so deeply and vowing to never, ever do this to anyone herself. But Casey had shown resiliency. She barely let Olivia talk.

Casey simply marched up to Olivia, who had been standing awkwardly at the end of the small kitchen. It almost appeared as if Casey was going to walk straight into Olivia's arms and Jordan, having a nice view of both of them from the position she had taken at the entryway to the living room, saw the worried and almost panicked look on Olivia's face. Casey turned away at the last minute and reached into the drawer of the small buffet table placed strategically under the window that looked into the galley kitchen. She pulled out a set of keys and placed them on the table before Olivia said a word to her.

"Yours," she said. "You can leave mine here when you're done." She turned to Jordan, "Would you be kind enough to locate some boxes for Olivia? There should be some in my storage space in the basement." She reached into the drawer again and pulled out a single key handing it to Jordan. Jordan was about to say that Olivia needed to get her own damn boxes, but noticed the look on Casey's face. She was barely holding it together. She wanted this over with, so instead, Jordan answered with a "sure" and walked up the hallway and out the door.

When she returned, the two women were still standing in the same positions as when she had left. Casey's face was dry but contorted from trying to hold in her emotions.

"Here you go," said Jordan, practically throwing the boxes at Olivia. Olivia didn't even flinch, letting the boxes fall to the floor in front of her. Her hands were in her pockets, her gaze focused on Casey who was looking away with arms crossed in front of her like a shield, a very distant look in her eyes.

"We'll be back in a few hours," were the only words Casey directed at Olivia. After a long silence, where nothing seemed to happen, she uncrossed her arms, and walked past Olivia and out the door. Jordan followed shortly after stopping to pick up their jackets. With one final glare in Olivia's direction, she closed the door behind her.

About a block from Casey's apartment, the tears started to flow. Jordan put her arm around Casey's shoulders and led her into the entryway of a shop that had yet to open its doors. She held on to the crying woman, her anger growing with every passing minute. After a few moments, Casey lifted her head, apologized and continued walking. They ended up at a place called Tom's which had decent pie and coffee. After her second cup, Casey told her what had happened when she left the room. Her voice was flat again and she spoke slowly as if she had to fight for control with every breath.

"She told me Alex was staying with her. That she was sorry. I think I believe her too. Isn't that just fucking great? I can't even be angry at her, because I know she never wanted to hurt me."

Jordan wanted to scream, "But she did!" Instead she held her tongue content for the moment with just listening, sensing that Casey wouldn't really hear anything she said anyway.

"That was it. I didn't ask her if they've slept together and she didn't offer. She gave me no explanations. She just kept saying she was sorry that this was happening." Casey paused. "I wanted to yell at her, you know? I wanted to just scream that it didn't have to be happening, that she could choose me. But that really wouldn't be fair to her or Alex."

"Fuck Alex!"

Casey looked up shocked at Jordan's outburst. Jordan usually limited her curse words and she rarely used that one.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to blurt that out like that." Inside thoughts Jordan, inside thoughts!

"No, I guess it looks kind of different from your perspective. And believe me I have those thoughts too." Casey's voice softened. "But if I had missed out on an opportunity to be with Olivia due to circumstances beyond my control and I was given a chance to get that back, I would try too. I would have too."

"But what if, when you came back, Olivia was happy? You're telling me that you would come in and ruin that?"

"Well I…" she paused giving the question some thought. "Sure, I would take that into consideration. Olivia's happiness is important to me." Her eyes seemed distant. "I thought we were happy."

"Exactly! If the tables were turned and you found Olivia had moved on and found someone that made her happy, you would not interfere."

"Well, if she was happy, I guess not."

"That's the difference between you and Alex. And by god, right now I am not thinking good thoughts about Olivia either because if she can't see that, then she doesn't deserve you!"

"You don't understand, Jordan. It's like…Alex came back from the dead or something. Anyway, it will all be over soon. Well except for the part where I have to see both of them at work daily. Joy. Hopefully, I'll be transferred and then this nightmare will be over with and I'll be…well, on my own, I guess."

For about the tenth time that day, Jordan wished Kate was with her.

"You are not alone. It just feels like that right now."

Casey knew that was true, she'd had a life before Olivia, albeit not much of one, and maybe she would have one after. "Will you go with me to pick up my stuff at her place? I'm going to ask her to name a time today when she, I guess they will be out of the apartment, but I'd feel better if you came with me."

"Of course, hey any batting cages around here?" For the first time since Jordan had arrived, Casey gave her a genuine smile. It was a weak smile, but it was real and that was progress.

After an hour at the cages, they made their way back to Casey's apartment. The batting practice had done wonders for Jordan's temper. She imagined every ball as Olivia's head and was able to get out some of her aggression. She thought Casey had benefited too. She wasn't hitting the balls as hard as Jordan, but she set a good pace and rarely missed one.

The rhythm of the cages had indeed soothed Casey. It created a place where she could concentrate without too much effort and allowed her to clear her mind of the hurt and pain; of the uncertainty she seemed to find herself in and of thoughts of the future. The questions that had been plaguing her since Thursday night receded, replaced by the mechanical sounds of the machine and the thwack of bats. She realized afterward that she really needed that respite. She looked over at her friend thankful for her presence, and especially thankful for the stubbornness that had gotten her to New York today.

And now, here they were in Casey's slightly emptier apartment. Jordan volunteered to call Olivia and set up a time when they could go and pick up Casey's stuff. While Casey wanted to be strong and call Olivia herself, she relented at the last minute and let Jordan make the call.

"She said 5 o'clock. I thought that would be okay. We should stop at an office supply store and pick up more boxes or do you want me to do that now?" said Jordan from the kitchen. When Jordan received no response she raised her voice slightly, "Casey?"

She walked into the living room where Casey stood stiff as a board her gaze fixated on a spot on the coffee table. Her eyes filled, the tears, flowing freely down her cheeks, her arms unmoving seemed to be as frozen as the rest of her body.

"Casey honey, what's wrong?" Jordan went to her and placed a hand lightly on Casey's arm. That seemed to jump start her and her whole body wheeled around to face Jordan.

"She took it," she said with force - the first real signs of anger Jordan had witnessed. "She fucking took it!"

"Okay, what did she take?"

"The picture," she said as she made her way to her cellphone still lying on the couch where she had left it the previous night. She picked it up and started punching in numbers, but before she got to the end, she hurled the phone at the wall. It exploded on impact, pieces of plastic flying in all directions, the clunky battery sliding under the couch. Casey sat back on the couch and sobbed. Jordan went to her and once again placed a protective arm around Casey's shoulders.

"I have to stop this," Casey said. She lifted her head and leaned back against the couch.

"Honey, I know this is hard to hear, but this is going to pass."

"I hope so or before this is over, I will have destroyed my apartment and alienated my friends. God why can't I stop this? I feel like crying all the time. Jordan, I…I'm in physical pain. I feel it in my heart. It aches and I can't stop it. I have never felt this type of pain Jordan. What am I going to do? I can't stop thinking about her, thinking about how stupid I've been. I've got to get this under control."

"And you will, but hon, it doesn't happen overnight. It hasn't even been two full days yet. Give yourself a break. Plus, you keep trying to hold everything in and I'm not sure that's the best way to handle this."

Casey leaned forward on the couch, her fists tightly clenched in her lap.

"I know, but what else can I do? Jordan, I have to go to work on Monday. I have to hand over my files to the woman who has taken away my happiness. I have to be able to talk about cases with her, ask her for help, be willing to help her, and act professional. I have to do this without thinking about what she's taken from me. She has Olivia's heart and I have to talk to Olivia like she hasn't broken mine. I have to be able to prepare her as a witness. I have talk to her about what I need to prosecute a case. I have to do all of that without crying or breaking down. I need to learn how to do that before Monday. How am I going to do that?"

"You will, but right now you don't have to do that. You aren't at work and if you happen to see Olivia or Alex between now and Monday, you have my permission to stomp on Alex's foot and punch Olivia in the mouth. And you don't have to be afraid to cry around me. That's why I'm here, okay."

Watery eyes looked at her. "Thank you."

"So, what did she take?" asked Jordan rubbing Casey's neck in an attempt to soothe.

Casey hung her head. "There was a picture that Kate took last summer. You remember my friend Kate, right?"

Jordan averted her eyes. "Yeah, I remember her; cute, gorgeous green eyes, kind of petite. Sure I remember."

"I guess you do."

Casey gave her a quizzical look and was about to question her further when Jordan said, "So Kate took this picture and...?"

"It was during a trip Olivia and I took together; our first trip actually. I wanted to show her San Francisco. Kate offered us a place to stay and well, there was no way I could say no to that. She has an awesome place."

"Oh yeah"

Again Casey looked at her, a slight frown on her face.

"I mean, yeah I bet she has an awesome place," Jordan corrected.

"Right, anyway, it was my favorite picture of us. I was sitting here staring at it last night before you called. It made me sad, but she captured such a great moment that it also reminded me that we were once happy."

"Well I'm sure Kate probably has another one. But if not, we'll just get it back. It's yours right?"

"I used to think of it as ours." She was silent for a while. "I'll call Kate tomorrow and ask her if she has another one….I can't imagine why Olivia would want it."

"I don't know," said Jordan. "Listen Case, I was on a plane for half the night and those little planes they use at night are not good for tall people, so I didn't get much sleep. From what I could tell this morning, I don't think you slept much either, so do you think we could try to take a nap? I'll take the couch here and you can sleep in your comfy bed."

"Gosh, I'm so sorry. Of course you can nap, but um…why don't you take the bed. It will be much more comfortable and that way I can try to lull myself to sleep with a little television."

"Are you really going to try to sleep?" Jordan asked seriously.

"I promise I'll try, but I can't seem to sleep in that bed these days." She smiled that weak smile again.

Jordan was too tired to argue, so she relented, picking up her bag and carrying it into Casey's bedroom. Later she remembered having random thoughts about why Kate had not yet called to announce she was coming, but the drowsiness that settled over her as soon as her head hit the pillow chased the thoughts from her mind.

Out in the living room, Casey was finding it hard to sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, the memories flooded in. After 45 minutes of waging a losing battle, she gave in and let them come. The memory of their first kiss was still fresh in her mind so it was only natural that her thoughts automatically turned to the rest of that magical night.

As Casey struggled with memories, Olivia sat in a booth in the diner across the street. It was the location of their first dinner date and it was special to Olivia. She sat deep in thought, her hands curled around a cup of hot coffee, her eyes seemingly glued to Casey's living room window. The boxes she had half-heartedly packed from Casey's apartment were in her car. She had no plans to move them. The truth was she had no plan at all but to sit in this booth, continue to sip her coffee and think about what she was losing. She couldn't help it. She also could not help where her mind was constantly wandering to: Casey and their beginning. She was unsurprised to find herself reliving the night of their first kiss. So much had changed that night.

The ride to the Chinese take-out place was pleasant, but Casey noticed that the closer they were to reaching their destination, the quieter Olivia became. They were still holding hands, but Olivia had withdrawn into herself again. When she couldn't stand the silence any longer, Casey began questioning.

"Liv, are you okay? You seem a little quiet."

Olivia brought their joined hands toward her mouth, kissing Casey's knuckles and smiling.

"Everything's perfect."

Casey was unconvinced, but she was at a loss as to how to approach this particular interrogation. As they pulled up to the restaurant, she leaned into the driver's seat until she was practically in Olivia's lap and kissed her. Olivia let out a moan as her free hand reached around to cup Casey's head. Reluctantly, Casey pulled away, a huge grin on her face.

"I'm not letting you out of this car until you tell me why you're being so quiet," she said in a low seductive whisper.

Olivia was shaken. The kiss, while very welcome, had come so unexpectedly, that it was throwing her off her. She took a moment to re-orient herself. When the fog lifted she managed to get the conversation back on track.

"Some things are better left unsaid Casey. It's no big deal, okay?" She smiled. "Don't worry, I'll tell you, just not right now."

"Why not?" Casey leaned back into her seat, a bit perplexed.

She didn't know what to make of this situation. All outward signs indicated that the night was going rather well. She was getting to see Olivia after a long absence, they had finally kissed, and then kissed some more, and unless she was seriously mistaken, Olivia enjoyed the kisses as much as she had. But Olivia had given her the ominous, "We need to talk" line and now it was clear that she had something on her mind that she did not want to share with Casey – at least for the moment.

She looked out her window, not wanting Olivia to see the insecurities that still, after all this time, plagued her. It was Alex. It had to be. Her arms were crossed and she couldn't help the cold shiver that went through her body. She felt Olivia's warm hand on her shoulder and then softly on her neck, but did not turn to her.

"Hey, Casey, it's no big deal okay. I'm going to go in and get our food alright?"

Receiving no response Olivia decided she needed to lighten the mood. She could understand why the attorney was a bit concerned, but she was not about to reveal that her silence stemmed from her worry over the very inappropriate request she wanted to make of Casey. She had missed her so much while she was working on the case and now that she was going to be able to spend a few hours with her, she wanted to extend it. She wanted to ask Casey to spend the night, but she was pretty sure they weren't ready for the expectations that came with overnight visits. She had been trying to figure out a way to ask Casey to stay with her tonight without sounding like she wanted sex. They had been taking this relationship slow and she liked that pace. It was just this irrational need to be with Casey that was messing with the slow pace they had developed. Still Casey was hurt by her seeming lack of forthrightness and she had to do something about that.

'Were all new relationships fraught with these land mines?'

In an effort to diffuse the tension, the hand that had been kneading Casey's neck started traveling down her arm, applying the barest touch, slow and calculating. She was searching for the faintest twitching of the skin, a sure sign that such a spot, if enticed would elicit at least a giggle from the attorney. Her fingers slowed down as they approached Casey's side and there it was, small, almost unnoticeable, but definitely there - a twitch. Deft fingers went to work and soon Casey was laughing and squirming all over the seat, her hands trying desperately to quell Olivia's fingers, which danced back and forth from the original spot to other tickle spots found by accident.

"Oh God, stop please," Casey begged in between bouts of laughter.

Olivia gentled her touch and just held on to Casey with one hand, the other stroking her cheek and trying to convey with her eyes, all the things she was not yet ready to say. 'Trust me,' those eyes begged. 'I won't hurt you.'

"Come on, come in the restaurant with me. I would leave you out here, but you're too cute and someone might steal you."

Casey smiled as she opened the car door. 'Let it go. Just let it go,' she thought. But she just couldn't do it. Deciding to play a few games of her own, she quickly made her way to the front of the car as Olivia was walking around it directly into Olivia's personal space. The smile on her face belayed any malicious intent.

"I'll get it out of you detective. It's what I do, you know."

She made a feeble attempt to thwart Olivia's forward motion, but Olivia kept moving, albeit more slowly until Casey felt the curb at the back of her feet. For a moment she thought she might topple, but Olivia's strong hands on her waist effectively prevented her from losing her balance. She hurriedly scrambled onto the sidewalk, only to find a strong pair of arms guiding her back to and up against the car door she had just exited. When she finally achieved some semblance of balance, Olivia was in her space, that mouth perilously close to hers.

"You really want to know, Casey?"

Casey could feel the heat from Olivia's body as she leaned against her.

"Are you sure you want to know?" she repeated.

The conversation had moved from lighthearted to intense in a matter of seconds. Gone were the playful eyes that danced with mirth. They were replaced by orbs that spoke volumes of longing and desire and something else Casey did not recognize. Casey wanted to know; she desperately wanted to know.

"Yes," she whispered never taking her eyes off the brown ones that bore into her and seemed to swallow her whole.

"I want you to spend the night with me."

The revelation sent shock waves through Casey.

Olivia's brain finally caught up with her emotions and she stepped back abruptly giving Casey room. She ran her hand through her hair trying to buy herself some time to think, then shook her head violently before finally looking up. Casey had not moved from the car door that she had been plastered up against just moments earlier. Her features seemed frozen as her face registered Olivia's words.

"I'm sorry, Casey." She looked down at the ground focusing on the cracks in the sidewalk, wanting to shrink and fall into one of them.

"I don't mean to put pressure on you or anything. In fact, just forget I said anything."

"Yes," Casey interrupted.

"I'm just tired, I guess. I thought we could…I don't know…talk or …I know we're not ready…"

"Yes," this time the declaration came a little louder.

"…for you know…that and um…aw hell." She finally paused to take a break as her mind processed the events of the last few minutes.

'Wait a minute…Did you just say yes?"

It was adorable to watch Olivia rambling like a nervous kid trying to get a date to the prom. Casey managed to push herself off the car door and take a few steps toward Olivia. Slowly, but with full knowledge and confidence in her actions, she stepped in front of Olivia, her arms lifting automatically and wrapping themselves around Olivia's neck and shoulders. Olivia reacted on instinct, arms encircling Casey's waist. What followed was so obvious and natural and so very right that both women become lost in the moment, no logical thought invaded their world, only raw, pure feeling. The kiss was not like the shy exploratory kisses they had shared at Casey's office or in the car. It was something so much more and both women felt it. To Olivia it felt like home; she was becoming a part of Casey and to her surprise that idea didn't bother her in the least. The rightness of it astonished Casey as did the flaming desire to hold on to this moment for eternity.

When they were able to pull away from each other, it was done slowly and reluctantly. Olivia was shaking, which she could not understand because the last thing she felt was cold. She wanted to crawl inside this woman and never come out. In that moment, she knew there could be no holding back where Casey was involved. She didn't think she could physically manage to hold back anything from the redhead.

Casey was floating. She tilted her head forward to touch Olivia's and concentrated on breathing normally. A part of her wanted to cry. She was so far gone on this woman that she knew it was no longer safe, but the arms holding her close chased those small niggling worries into the corners of her consciousness. Olivia pulled her into an engulfing embrace and she could not help but reciprocate. It was too much to resist and she knew without a doubt that she would take the risk, plunge into this thing with Olivia despite her doubts, despite her fears about just being the one Olivia was settling for.

She loosened her hold and waited for Olivia to do the same. The wait, was a full ten seconds long, but that only made her smile.

"I guess we should go get the food," said Olivia when she finally let go of Casey.

"Yeah, we should." They smiled as they turned toward the glass doors that said Wang's Chinese Take-Out.

Casey awoke with a start. She didn't know what was worse, not being able to sleep, or sleeping and then having to wake up.

It was almost 5 o'clock by the time they walked out of Casey's apartment and headed toward Olivia's, folded up moving boxes under their arms. While Casey was usually a stickler about punctuality, she did not want to risk seeing Olivia or Alex, so she deliberately dragged her feet.

"You know the friend I was telling you about, Kate?" she asked Jordan as they walked.

"Sure," Jordan said, a little too quickly.

"Yeah, Kate. Anyway…" There it was again, that smile that seemed to light up Jordan's face when she said Kate's name. What the hell was going on with that?

"Well, she's coming into town. She called while you were napping; said she's been wanting to see her brother, Joshua who just moved here. He's such a goofball. I can't believe he's a doctor."

"Me neither," said Jordan with a chuckle.

Casey slowed down and gave her a quizzical look. "I didn't realize you knew him."

"Um, well I um…I mean I'm sure you and Kate mentioned him when I visited you guys at school. He sounded like a goofball."

Jordan was not meeting her eyes again.

"Right," said Casey. "Her brother's doing his residency at St. Vincent's, so she'll be in town too. I guess we'll have some company. I hope you don't mind. I know you guys haven't always gotten along, but I think it would be nice to have my friends around. I can't thank you enough for today."

"I absolutely do not mind at all," responded Jordan putting her arm around Casey. "And for the record, I like Kate. Always have."

"Right," said Casey. She knew that hadn't always been true, but she couldn't worry about that now. She needed both of her friends.

From her booth across the street, Olivia watched them walk out of Casey's apartment. She knew where they were headed. It didn't matter. She didn't want to go home. She had taken the call from that woman she had met at Casey's apartment earlier from the booth she was sitting in. She said yes to everything knowing that no one would be in her apartment today. Alex had taken a trip to see friends upstate and she, well she didn't want to go to a place that no longer felt like home.

She had explained to Alex that work kept her away Friday night and to her surprise, Alex accepted her explanation without further questions. If she had any worries about the distance Olivia seemed to be putting between them, she hadn't expressed them and Olivia was fine with that. Alex would be away for two nights. Tonight perhaps Olivia would sleep at home. She continued to watch the women until they disappeared around a corner. She sighed heavily and took a sip of cold coffee that matched her spirit perfectly. She placed a few bills on the table and donned her jacket knowing full well it could not ward off the cold that had taken over her entire being. Nothing really could.