An Honest Choice

Title: An Honest Choice
Author: Rosie Cruz
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Chapter 11

Casey sat in her office staring out the window. She was proud of herself. She had done the impossible. She had learned how to have interactions with Olivia without falling apart. She noticed it today when Olivia came in to ask for something and she responded automatically. She didn't have to think about what to say or brace herself, or put up walls. The walls went up automatically. It would take a lot longer to get comfortable around Olivia again, but for the first time, she had confidence that she could do it. She would have to take Elliot out for a big dinner after all the interference he ran for her in the last few weeks, but she was finally part of the way there. Of course, her interactions with Olivia were formal. They didn't chit chat. They didn't talk about the weather and they most certainly did not share anything personal. It was really strange. She had never been as close to someone as she had been to Olivia. And yet now, she couldn't even imagine sharing something as simple as that she had a headache with Olivia. Their communications were purely professional. What do you need? What's the evidence? What's your theory? Here's what I need etc., etc.

Figuring out how to interact with Alex had been easier. Alex was the enemy. Casey could immerse herself in her anger and let the adrenaline caused by her rage take her through those interactions. It also helped that Alex kind of acted like she didn't exist. Contrary to how ADAs working the same types of cases usually behaved, she and Alex did not ask each other for help. They were not a team and they did not rely on each other for anything. They might as well be in different departments.

Lately however, Casey found herself wondering how much longer she would be working with Alex. If the rumor mill was at all accurate, Alex was getting restless in the small world of Special Victims Unit. Sure they always got the media exposure, but rumor had it that Alex had had enough of the nostalgia of her old position. Plus being forced to share half the case load meant she did not quite get all of the media attention. Word was Alex was eager to move up.

She had also heard, sometimes in great detail, about Alex's dates from the various office gossip mongers. At first she was surprised, but Elliot had been kind enough to clue her in that Alex's sexuality was supposed to be a big secret, thus the parade of men. Supposedly, it didn't mean anything. She was stunned that Olivia was putting up with such a facade. There had been no rumors about Alex's 'alternative lifestyle, so she guessed that the dirty little secret was safe.

She shook all thoughts of Alex and gathered her things. It was Friday. O'Malley's and her friends were waiting.

She arrived at O'Malley's and was happy to see Josh already there engaging Munch in some outlandish conversation. It was amazing to her how well Josh and Munch got along. Actually, it was a little eerie. She took her seat next to Elliot and nudged him in the arm.

"Hey big brother," she said in a teasing tone.

He smiled as he reached for the pitcher and proceeded to pour her a glass. She winked at him as he topped it off and then abruptly stood up.

"Attention, please," she said as she waited for their surprised faces to turn her way.

"We have something to celebrate tonight."

Cries of "here, here" were heard throughout the table and she could have sworn that some of the good wishes were coming from other tables.

"A certain friend of ours is getting a very nice present tomorrow morning; the very best kind of present." She looked at Josh. "Here's to Josh, who after a very long absence from his fiancé will finally be reunited with her tomorrow morning at JFK. Of course we, his good friends, will mourn him since we know we may never see him again."

The table erupted in laughter. Josh threw a crumpled up napkin at her head as she sat down

The party was in full swing by the time Olivia walked in. Her footsteps led her automatically to the small table near the front of the bar.

They must have started earlier than usual, she thought. They were a bit more boisterous than normal. She made her way quickly to where Elliot was sitting and glanced around looking for an empty seat when she saw Josh's friendly face talking to Munch. Shit, why the hell does he always have to be here? Doesn't he have his own friends?

She sighed loudly before plopping down into one of the empty chairs. Unfortunately, she chose the chair right next to Casey. Good, she thought, maybe this time, she'll actually talk to me. I've missed her. The idea that she missed Casey didn't scare her. She had been missing Casey since the night Alex showed up at her front door. She just hadn't quite figured out what to do about it yet.

She grunted a hello to the gang which was answered by a loud "Norm."

Okay…they were in an interesting mood tonight.

She raised an eyebrow at them and then looked at Elliot questioningly. He just shrugged and slid a glass toward her. She made herself busy with the pitcher, before realizing that Casey sat frozen next to her. Casey's breathing was a little off. Olivia set the pitcher down slowly before turning to look at her. Casey flinched. It was a small flinch barely detectable to the slightly inebriated crowd at the table, but it was there. That flinch was like a sucker punch to Olivia. She wanted to say something to Casey, but what could she possible say? I should just go, she thought. But she didn't move. If they could just talk.

But it was impossible. She wanted to look at Casey once more, but was afraid of seeing that flinch yet again.

"Hey Casey, how about it?" said Josh from the other side of the table.

Right, here comes the fucking cavalry, thought Olivia. Oh what a surprise, Josh is asking her to dance. She gulped down her beer as she felt Casey leaving her seat. She hated seeing them together even though Elliot had reassured her that there was nothing going on. It was hard to remember that when she watched them dance and saw how happy Josh made her; how the only time she ever heard Casey really laugh anymore was when she was with fucking Joshua.

Had anyone tried to find out who this guy was? Well, she had. Unfortunately she found nothing indicating that he was a homicidal maniac. But then again, a lot of homicidal maniacs looked squeaky clean at first. She shook her head and poured herself another glass. She knew Elliot was watching her again, but she didn't care. He always seemed to be doing that lately, especially whenever she was anywhere near Casey. Whatever, she had better things to do – like watch some fucking asshole feel up her girlfriend. Shit! Ex-girlfriend, Benson. Remember? She downed her glass, closed her eyes and rested her head on the back of the chair.

"Hey, where's Alex tonight?"

That was Fin she surmised, her eyes still closed.

"On a date," she said matter-of-factly.

Olivia heard silence. Was that possible in this noisy bar with the fucking music going?. She was swearing an awful lot these days.

"What?" she said. "She's a grown woman. She can go on a date."

"Yeah, but…man that's whack"

"Yeah, it is Fin," said Olivia. "It really is."

The rest of the squad just stared at their glasses. They hadn't really talked about Alex since the night of Alex's welcome back party. Or rather, they always asked after her, but Olivia didn't talk about it. She kept her eyes closed and tried desperately to not think about Alex; Alex, who had come back to her and stirred up her perfectly calm and lovely life.

Olivia spent the first week of Alex's return sleeping at the station. When Alex finally questioned her about her mysterious absences from the apartment at night, Olivia told her that she needed time to adjust and Alex brightened.

"Was that all? No problem, I'll move my stuff out tonight."

She had looked at Olivia and told her that she wanted it to work and that she would do whatever was necessary to make sure they could be together. Olivia wanted so badly to believe her, but that night at dinner, Alex had dropped a bombshell. She was going on a date-with a guy. Olivia fought the urge to not spit out her food right there. She just stared at Alex. Was she kidding?

"You know it will look really suspicious if I don't, Liv. And besides, I'll need an escort for events."

Olivia continued to stare at her in disbelief. Alex didn't skip a beat. "It won't mean anything of course and there will absolutely be no intimate moments. You understand, right?"

Olivia nodded. She should have expected this. She almost laughed. Then her mood turned sour. This is what she had given up Casey for? This bullshit? She sat through the rest of their dinner listening to Alex talk about some new position - Bureau Chief or something - that was opening up. The sound of her cell phone had never sounded so welcoming. She briefly apologized to Alex before excusing herself.

That had been weeks ago. This week had seen no improvement in her relationship with Alex, although Alex didn't seem to notice. Olivia saw her at work and they had done some quick lunches, but Olivia had not seen her after work. She didn't know if Alex was going out on dates or not, she hadn't bothered to ask. She just deflected and immersed herself in work. If Alex noticed the withdrawal she didn't comment on it. It seemed amazing to Olivia how someone as smart as Alex could miss what was right in front of her. Olivia was not happy and either Alex hadn't noticed, or she didn't care. Olivia was kindly assuming the former was true.

She knew after her third night at the station that it had been a mistake to let Alex stay at her place. Now she was questioning the whole thing. Maybe 3 years ago, she would have accepted what Alex had to offer, but now she found it difficult. She wondered if she could just talk to Alex and maybe ask that they slow things down, see if they could just be friends for a while. Her fingers tightened around the glass she was holding. She honestly didn't know what she was supposed to do.

Olivia opened her eyes as the song ended. There was that smile she loved, she thought as she saw Casey making her way back. She remembered when that smile had been directed at her. It was one of those smiles that just demanded a return smile. It was like puppet strings - that smile - it just pulled on you and made you smile right back. But it wasn't for her now. It was for fucking Josh or if it wasn't Josh it would be someone else. And the really messed up thing, she thought, was that she knew she should be happy for Casey, but she wasn't. She wasn't even remotely happy.

Casey was not sitting down; she was putting on her jacket. Olivia couldn't look at her.

"Hey, come on you can't leave me here with these clowns," said Elliot.

"Sorry Detective. I said one drink and I've had my one drink."

"Casey, you owe me a dance and until I get a dance you cannot leave."

Casey stopped and looked at Munch, not even bothering to mask her shock at the surprise request.

"Now we talking," said Fin. "Old man Munch getting down!"

"Hey watch who you call an old man. I am mature. So what do you say, my lovely?"

Elliot started pounding on the table.

"Well this will be one for the history books. You can't possible leave now Casey," he said.

But Casey was way ahead of him. She took off her suit jacket and gestured towards the floor, but Munch was shaking his head.

"No, if I am to dance, it will have to be to the right song. So please, take a seat, while I make my request," said Munch as he stood and made his way to the bar.

"Please, don't let him dance better than me," said Josh. The rest of the squad just snickered.

Minutes later, Elliot watched Munch and Casey make their way to the dance floor, the sound of as "Time Goes By" clearly recognizable. He then turned his attention to his very confused and irritated best friend. She was giving Josh some pretty hostile looks. That really shouldn't have come as a shock to him. After all, Casey was her ex-girlfriend and he could see people getting the wrong idea about Josh and Casey.

But none of this really made any sense. He saw the way Olivia looked at Casey. The way her eyes followed Casey everywhere she went. Except when they were both seated at the same table, then she averted her eyes and looked everywhere but where Casey happened to be sitting. He knew it was complicated. The two had worked together, they had mutual friends. It hadn't been an easy break, but there was something about Olivia's behavior that just didn't make any sense to him. She was clearly still in love with Casey and the thing with Alex seemed to have fizzled, so why the hesitation? Why couldn't she see what needed to be done? It was as clear as day to him.

Casey he understood. She was heartbroken. He had to admit she did a great job of hiding her pain most days. It was only when Olivia was near, that she struggled with her composure. But despite the fact that Olivia was his best friend, he was unsure of what was going on with her. It seemed that the only times he had seen her smile was when Casey smiled, as he had witnessed a few minutes ago when Josh and Casey made their way back to the table. He also noticed how she seemed to resent Josh and most of all he noted the defeated look he had seen when Casey was getting ready to leave. He would never understand why she had chosen Alex in the first place, but her inability to see the right path now perplexed him.

When Olivia first told him the story, he had been outraged. Casey was like a sister to him. Why would Olivia hurt her like that? In his eyes it was cold and cruel, but he figured, Olivia had her reasons for choosing Alex. But then Olivia started acting like…well like what was happening to Casey was killing her; like she was dying inside because of it. He didn't understand it. If that was the case, there was only one thing to do. Maybe he would ask Kathy to explain to him why his friend could not seem to do the one thing that would make her happy and while she was at it, she might as well explain how Olivia had made such a colossal mistake in the first place.