Retrieval of Self

by ishkaw

A training exercise crashed by a group of mercenaries leads to capture and to a dilapidated building hiding a sinister secret. Their failure as a team causes the X-men to question themselves, each other, their abilities, and their humanity.

9. Chapter 9

Warnings: Cussing. I cuss. Too bad, so sad.

This time I was motivated by your reviews and having a friend tell me that Nightcrawler has been killed in the comics. Super sad times.

I love getting all the reviews, and I'm glad y'all are enjoying the story too, and get my sometimes random humor. You guys rock.

And on all the Star Wars references, I really didn't mean to have so many in the fic. They just happened to fit so well and somehow just pop in my head, and I, at least, find them amusing. I don't even love Star Wars as much as it would seem.

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Retrieval of Self: Chapter 9

He was dangling from a giant stick, his hands tied to one end and his feet and tail to the other. Above him, Kurt could see tall trees, towering high with trickles of sunlight passing through. Turning his head to the side, small, brown teddy bears in forest garb were speaking to each other enthusiastically. He didn't like the way they would look at each other and then turn to him with drooling mouths.

Dreading to see what was below him, but not able to stop his curiosity, Kurt slowly looked down. There were rocks formed in a circle around the area he was dangling in and directly underneath him was kindling. Groaning, he looked back up to the trees overhead. Kurt desperately tried to wrack his brain for an escape plan, but his thoughts on how on earth he ended up on Endor, surrounded by demented Ewoks, over a giant barbeque pit, kept distracting him.

The rational part of his brain realized that this had to be a dream; after all, Ewoks didn't really exist and no one really wanted them to anyway. The not-so-rational side of his brain wondered if he should tell the Ewoks that a spit would make it much easier for them to cook him easily. Kurt never had to choose which side to listen to because both thoughts were drowned out as soon as one Ewok turned around, flaming torch held in hand.

Oh god, they were either going to sacrifice him to the giant Teddy Bear in the sky or cook and eat him. Neither sounded appealing to him. He cried out to them, trying to get them to understand that he was not an enemy, first in German, then in English. It didn't seem to work. A teddy bear wearing an elaborate headdress made from feathers and leaves took the burning torch from another and raised it up into the air. Shaking it about, the Ewok said something that caused the crowd to cheer, and then turned kindly, black doe eyes towards Kurt and lit the tender below him.

Kurt wanted to shake his head and laugh. He was being roasted alive, by Ewoks no less. What would be written on his tombstone? He was so tender and moist? Roasted but not forgotten? Killed by teddy bears, he will be missed?

As entertaining as it was to speculate on such an absurd death, Kurt wasn't so amused as soon as he started to feel the heat and flames licking at his back. He started to scream when he felt his flesh start to bubble from the heat. Even worse, the Ewoks had started playing their terrible Ewok music and dancing around the fire pit. And was that- no, it couldn't be. And yet there, beside the tiny, evil teddy bears, were his friends, dancing beside Luke, Han and Leia. Rogue was laughing and waving at him as Han dipped her low while Scott hooked arms and do-sa-doed with Leia. And were those his parents in the back, waving to him with forks in their hands? Were they actually talking about whether to add more salt and pepper?

Kurt, disturbed that his parents were contemplating filicide and cannibalism in one go, turned away to look up at the clear night sky. A giant, looming Ewok peered down from the heavens.

"Kurt!" it said, its eyes looking at him hungrily. A giant fork appeared in its hand, and slowly descended upon Kurt. He closed his eyes and screamed even louder.

"Kurt!" Someone shook his shoulders. He peeked out from one eye, and saw a giant, looming Logan on top of him instead of an Ewok. He wasn't sure if this was an improvement or not. At least he wasn't going to be impaled by a giant fork anymore; though, the sensation of being roasted alive didn't leave him. Wonderful.

"Bad dream?"

Kurt rubbed his eyes, trying to shake away the remnants of his terrifying and yet somehow humorous dream. He blinked his eyes a few times, taking in the setting sun streaming in through his bedroom's French doors.

He must've fallen asleep right after showering once being released from the lab. He had almost conked out in the shower; it had felt so pleasant and cozy. The freezing water had relieved some of the pain and cooled the constant inferno inside of him. He remembered drying off and trying steadfast to avoid the mirror, but in the end, couldn't help himself. He could handle the darker fur, but the extreme golden glow from his eyes and mouth were just out of hand. He thought he looked aptly like the demon specimen Falk named him as. Even if Hank somehow came up with a way to save him, would the inducer even work anymore? He didn't remember how long he stood there, but at some point he must've, in shock, dragged himself to bed and crashed.

Sitting up, Kurt realized Logan was still waiting for an answer. It took him a second to recollect what was asked. "Bit of an understatement there," he mumbled. He completely blamed that one annoying guard for all Ewok involvement in his dream.

Not really wanting to be around Logan right now, Kurt tried to distract himself from Logan as well as the returning pain by twisting his back. He must've been sleeping in an odd position. because it gave a satisfying crack.

Logan sat back, observing Kurt for a second. Kurt was a little uncomfortable from the attention, but figured Logan would be on his way soon like normal. "Wanna talk about it?"

Kurt stopped stretching and looked at Logan like he'd grown another head. Logan had woken him up before from some pretty horrific nightmares, but usually had just said his screaming was waking the others and to go back to sleep. Never once had Logan asked him that. Kurt didn't really know what to say, but he wasn't really keen on sharing his problems, especially not now and not with Logan. "Yeah... no thanks, Dr. Freud."

Logan frowned at him, but dropped the subject. His eyes scanned the room, and Kurt had to wonder why Logan was still hanging around, looking as if he was searching for something else to say. "Everyone else is downstairs. They're taking it pretty hard."

Kurt nodded, looking for something else to distract himself with. Having thrown aside the blankets considering he felt like someone could cook a three course breakfast on him, there was nothing in his reach to occupy his hands. Instead, he sat there, looking down at his hands, finding it awkward to be in just his boxers with Logan being all buddy-buddy.

Logan seemed uncomfortable too. Nobody said anything for the next several seconds. Kurt, unnerved by this strange behavior by Logan, decided to take a chance and looked up at him. Logan had been so horrible to him the past few weeks, he didn't really know what to expect from him anymore.

Glancing up, Kurt saw Logan was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at something he clutched. His gaze seemed unfocused, like he was staring through rather than at whatever he was holding. Kurt was just about to snap Logan out of his thousand-yard stare when Logan 's eyes came back into focus. "Here. I came up to give you this."

Logan thrust something cold and made of steel into his hands. The temperature felt good, and he almost wanted to cradle it closer for relief until he saw what it was. Kurt gripped Scott's metal collar from their imprisonment. He half wanted to throw it across the room and watch it shatter through the French doors. Denying that impulse, he looked up questioningly at Logan.

"Hank said that if it stopped us from using our powers, it might possibly delay the serum's effects."

Kurt looked at the collar in disgust. "Great."

"Hank removed the lock mechanism, so you can take it off whenever you want." Logan took the collar back and demonstrated on how it opened and closed. "But, remember, you aren't supposed to be using your powers anyway." He handed it back. "Need any help?"

"No, I got it." Kurt reluctantly put it on, making sure to not catch his hair or fur in it. "Just the fashion statement I wanted to make."

Logan grumbled gruffly, pausing for a second, seeming to think about saying something, before changing his mind. "Anyways, how ya holding up?"

Kurt was baffled. Really, this was weird. If he hadn't known any better, he'd have sworn he'd fallen into an episode of the Twilight Zone. Logan's Hour of Caring - an instant family classic.

It's not like he thought that Logan didn't care. After all, Logan had tried to have serious talks with him before. Usually Logan would walk into his room, arms defensively crossed, as if he was the one going to be interrogated. The topic of choice was more often than not about him trying to handle everything on his own. It was not something Kurt was open to discussing because usually the talks wound around to that one infamous time in Germany. He'd gotten good at telling a well-timed joke, thus pissing off Logan, who'd huffily walk away.

"Well?"

It seemed like Logan was not just going to go away, but more than ever, Kurt was in no mood to talk. So, he turned to his tried and true method of getting rid of Logan.

"Like I've just swallowed Tinkerbell. Do you think if we clapped hard enough she'll live?"

Logan frowned before standing up. Kurt breathed a sigh of relief. Here comes the usual return: Logan gets mad at his evasive joking, grumbles a bit, and then finally leaves. That was fine by him, the conversation felt awkward and weird, and he didn't much like being around Logan after the angry diatribes Logan had thrown his way during their capture.

Kurt relaxed too soon. Instead of leaving, Logan turned around, arms crossed over his chest. "Look, I'm not proud of how I acted these past few weeks. I shouldn't've taken my anger out on you, but this deflecting bullshit has to stop." Kurt's face must've shown some surprise and hurt at being yelled at again because abruptly as Logan had risen in anger, he deflated back down with a contrite look on his face.

Logan heavily sat on the bed again. He massaged his forehead, as if this was already giving him a headache. Temper cooled for now, Logan looked up at Kurt. "I know you've had a lot to deal with. But you can't just handle everything with a fucking joke or by ignoring it."

"I don't-"

Logan held up a hand. "Just hear me out, Elf, alright. I'm talking from experience here." Logan paused and waited.

Seeing how Logan wasn't going to go on, Kurt sighed and disagreeingly agreed. "Fine, yeah, go ahead."

"I'm gonna get right to the point. In Germany-"

Kurt leaned forward to protest.

Logan pushed him back down. "You'd agreed you'd listen first. So as I was saying, in Germany, I was there-"

"I know." Kurt crossed his arms and looked anywhere but Logan.

"-after you were almost burned alive."

"I know." Kurt said more annoyed.

Logan glowered at Kurt but continued on. "You want to know how I think you handled that?"

Everything about Kurt was still except for the nervous flicking of his tail.

"You didn't, that's what I think." Logan got up and started pacing before turning to face Kurt. "Professor X and I arrived just 3 days afterwards, and there you were, wrapped in bandages and lying on the bed. And you were acting like everything was just dandy, joking around despite the obvious fact that you were in a lot of pain."

"It wasn't that bad..." Kurt replied lamely.

Logan didn't even deem that worthy of a response. "Did you even see the look on your parents' faces?" Logan leaned forward, glaring angrily at Kurt. "They were worried as hell about you and couldn't even tell the Professor what had happened." Logan's voice rose as Kurt shrunk back as far as he could into his pillow. "The Professor had to practically drag the story out of you and then relay it to your parents. And you know what your parents said?"

Kurt just shook his head, feeling the size of a pea.

Logan started pacing again, gesturing angrily with his hands. "They said that they must've failed you somehow. That if you couldn't trust them to tell them what happened but could a complete stranger, then what else had you been hiding from them? Were you even happy with them? Or even safe? Your mother started crying, saying what a terrible parent she was and your father said he felt lost as to what to do."

Kurt felt tears well up as overwhelming guilt threatened to crush him. He pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to contain his feelings.

Looking at Kurt, Logan couldn't help but feel he somehow screwed this talk up. Instead of trying to help Kurt, it just seemed he made him feel like an utter failure. Logan stopped his pacing and sat heavily on the bed. Hesitantly, he reached a hand out and put it on Kurt's knee. He gave it a squeeze before putting his hand back in his lap. Logan sighed. He had started this conversation and he was going to finish it. He just hoped it ended better than this.

"Look, I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or like a bad son. I just want you to see the way you handle things isn't good for others or for yourself."

Kurt squeezed his knees tighter. He felt like he couldn't get a handle on his emotions. The constant pain wasn't helping; he couldn't focus enough to get himself under control. Everything seemed to be coming in extremes and Logan was running him through the gambit. All he wanted was for everything to stop.

Besides, talk about pot and kettle with Logan of all people telling him how to handle problems better. Guilt, anger, stress and pain coursed through Kurt, flowing out in a rush. "Well, what good would it've done if I told them about anything or how I felt?" Kurt felt a tear escape and hastily wiped it away. "I knew I was different and that it was hard on them, so I just...just didn't want them to have to worry."

"That's what parents do. That's their job. No matter what you do, they'll worry, and it's better for them to know what's going on to help you rather than just be at a lost." Logan may not have been a parent, but taking care of the kids at the institute sure made him feel like one. "It's no good keeping all that shit bottled up. Look, Elf, you gotta eventually face and deal with stuff that comes your way. I bet you haven't ever even thought about what happened in Germany."

Kurt looked at Logan bemused. "I think about it a lot."

"Yeah and talked to someone about it?"

Kurt shrugged and rested his head on his knees.

"You obviously haven't come to terms with what happened if I'm always in here waking you up from nightmares about it."

Kurt shrugged again. "I guess."

"You don't have the best self-confidence and the way you handle things..." Logan caught Kurt's eyes before continuing. "After what happened these past few weeks, let's just say I worry about how you see yourself more than ever."

Kurt didn't respond, thinking about what he saw in the mirror after his shower.

A few moments past before Logan tried again. "Listen-"

"What about you?" Kurt raised his head and looked up at Logan.

"What do you mean?"

"Seems like what you do isn't any different than me, except through more anger and growling."

Logan sighed. He had forgotten how perceptive Kurt could be sometimes. "I never said I was perfect, and I never said that you should just give up on your coping mechanism cold turkey. Just temper it down. But as to what you're saying, I used to be a lot worse... a lot worse."

"What happened?"

"I met the Professor. I wasn't in a good place back then, and the Professor sat me down and -"

"Had a heart-to-heart?"

"Basically," Logan grumbled.

"And it helped?"

"Yeah, some."

"Guess you're still working on it."

"Yeah. Probably always will. You care to join me in my attempt to reform?"

Kurt let out a tentative smile. "I guess."

"Good. After all of this blows over, we'll have some time to work it out."

"Have weekly meetings of Mutants Anonymous?"

This time, Logan did smile at Kurt's joke. "Something like that." Standing up, Logan stretched and cracked his neck. He always forgot how hard and draining it was to have such a conversation with Chuck. Now being on the giving end, he never realized how difficult it was for both sides. "So, how'd I do for my first serious talk?"

Kurt sighed in relief, resting against a propped up pillow, glad for that painful conversation to be over with. "On a scale of one to ten? Three."

"Guess I gotta work on it some more. And you know you can talk to any of us, right? Speaking of which, the Professor wants to know when you're gonna call your parents."

Kurt cringed. "Um, soon?"

Logan turned around at that and just stood there and glared.

"Well, what would I say? Hi, Mutti and Papa, I'm dying. Surprise?"

"We just talked about this. They deserve to know."

Kurt sighed. "I know." He toyed with the edge of the blanket before shrugging. "I just don't know what to say." He briefly wondered if Mystique should be told too. Would she even care? He put the thought out of his mind. He had enough worries to deal with right now. Better to not add in Mystique and the Brotherhood too.

"Start off by telling them what happened. Then go from there."

Kurt nodded, distracted by what exactly he would say.

Logan glanced towards the door as he heard someone coming up the stairs. "You ready to face everybody? They're all gonna wanna come up here soon and see you."

Kurt was a little afraid at that. He hadn't come to terms yet that he could possibly be dead in a few days. Taking a shower had helped clear up some of his thoughts, but he'd rather be alone right now then having the others surround him with condolences. It would just make it all too real. The talk had also drawn a lot out of him. He felt like a towel wrung too tightly. A strong hand on his shoulder drew him out of his thoughts.

"I'll go see what Hank's up to. You hang in there."

Kurt nodded, distracted by the impending visit and the necessary call to his parents.

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Logan immediately began to head towards the elevator to take it to the subbasement and Hank's lab. He practically smashed the down button and then impatiently tapped his foot while he waited. Deep in thought, he suddenly rushed off towards the stairs, leaving the elevator to greet an empty floor.

Logan felt guilty that he hadn't ever really taken the time to sit down and have a real chat before with Kurt. The kid had always seemed to be able to take things in stride, but it was obvious that Kurt wasn't handling everything as well as Logan and the other teachers had thought. He wasn't sure how much of his blathering had gotten through to Kurt. It had taken many tries by Chuck before anything began to sink into Logan's stubborn head. Considering that Kurt could be just as bullheaded, Logan figured it was going to take a lot of work before he made any headway.

But that wouldn't matter if Falk's poison was allowed to run rampant. After everything Kurt had risked during their escape, there was no way in hell he was going to just sit idly by while he watched him die.

With that thought, he burst into Professor Xavier's office, ready to convince the Professor to sign onto his sudden, wild idea.

Professor X was sitting behind his desk, head in his hands. He didn't even so much as flinch at Logan's forceful entrance.

"Please tell me you have good news." The Professor looked up at Logan, a desperate look painting his face. Logan stopped in the doorway, his high spirits evaporating. He had never seen the Professor look so old. Still, he refused to be diverted from his goal and purposely marched up to the Professor's desk.

"I'm gonna go and make some good news."

Taken aback by Logan's resolute tone, the Professor looked up, finally stirring from his morose pose and looked up inquisitively at Logan.

Logan leaned forward onto the desk and pointedly jabbed his finger down. "We're gonna go straight back to that fucking lab, take out Falk and all his work-"

"-Logan," the Professor began, shaking his head, cutting him off before Logan could continue explaining his infeasible plan. "This is no time to plan an attack. Scott and Jean are hurt and Kurt..." He trailed off.

Before Logan could counter, Ororo burst into the room, breathing heavily. Seeing both men's surprised looks at her sudden entrance and ragged appearance, she took a moment to catch her breath and brush her hair back. Both men looked at her expectantly, wondering if there was some breaking news she had.

"I saw Logan running down the hall, and wanted to make sure everything was alright," Ororo answered the silent question as she finished straightening her clothes back into place.

The Professor sighed. "Nothing has changed. Logan just seems a little too tense right now and felt that attacking would be our best option."

"Now hear me out, first, before you go bulldozing my idea."

Ororo and the Professor exchanged looks before Ororo turned to Logan. "Logan," Ororo started to explain placatingly, "I understand that you want to take some action. We all do. It's just that now is really not the time to go rushing off-"

"-No. There's no better time than now." He gestured to one of the leather chairs in front of the Professor's desk. Ororo, sighing, took the hint, and sat down, crossing her legs and arms as she waited patiently for Logan to get this out of his system.

Professor X nodded toward Logan, allowing him the opportunity to at least explain his idea.

"Look, if we attack now, we can get things done." Logan started pacing the room. "First off," Logan turned abruptly and faced the others, "they'll never expect an attack so soon. We'll have them all off guard and can take them out in one blow." He banged his fist into his open palm. "And more importantly, we can get that serum that Hank needs to help Kurt out."

"Hank is working on developing a counter to the serum's effects right now," the Professor responded. "He's not even sure if having the serum would be a guarantee for helping Kurt."

"It's better than nothing," Logan said before turning to look to Ororo to support.

"Well," Ororo began, "I did just visit Hank. Right now, all he has to work with is the readings he got from Kurt and the serum he invented that controlled his own mutation. He wasn't very hopeful."

The Professor shook his head. "Alright. I agree that we must get that serum, but." he ran his hand over his head. Everything seemed to be falling apart around him. It made it hard to think, let alone try to handle such a big mess. His pupils were fighting, injured, and one of them could die. How could he go on if one of his students died?

"Professor, are you okay?" Ororo exchanged a worried glance with Logan.

Rubbing his eyes, the Professor took a deep breath and pulled himself back together. This was no time to lose his composure. "Yes, thank you, Ororo." He turned toward Logan. "As I was saying, your goals are things we need to accomplish, but it won't be as easy as you put it. Once we arrive at their base, how will we find our way around? Will we have to fight our way through? And even if we somehow did manage to sneak our way in, once we find the lab, how will we know which serum is the one Hank needs? There's just too many contingencies that puts this plan at risk."

"I know this plan is risky, but it's necessary." Logan was not backing down, and it seemed as if he was starting to sway both Ororo and the Professor to his side. Explaining the details of his plan, though, might not go as smoothly.

With a heavy sigh, Logan sat down into the empty chair beside Ororo. "I hate to say it, but I'm gonna be relying on Kurt a lot for this plan to work. I don't wanna put pressure on the kid now of all times, but he's the only one who can do it." Logan clenched his fists before continuing on. "He has an uncanny sense of direction, and during our escape, led us through that labyrinth underground. I'm sure he could get us back."

"I highly doubt Kurt will be up to this. What he needs now is rest."

"What he needs now is an antidote to that shit running through him," Logan countered. "Kurt's the only one who knows what it was the doctor was injecting into him." He leaned back into the chair. "If we wait too long to carry this out, then it won't even matter as Kurt'll be dead by then."

The Professor looked down at his desk, reviewing in his head all the risks and just how crazy Logan's idea was, but right now, it seemed to be the only viable plan they had.

Before he could reply, Ororo stood up. "I'm with Logan. The plan might be reckless and hastily thrown together, but we don't have time for some perfect, risk-free solution to come along."

The Professor grimly nodded. "Agreed. We have no choice." He turned to give Logan a fixed stare. "I'm going to charge you, Logan, with all the minor details. We need a fleshed out strategy of attack, rendez-vous points, and contingency plans in case something goes wrong."

"Which it inevitably will," Logan said as he stood up, "but we can't let that stop us. I'm gonna talk to Scott, Jean, and Kurt, see if they noticed anything during our little stay that might help us."

The Professor nodded. "Remember, this'll be a small operation."

"You're not leaving me behind," Ororo announced. "I can use my powers to create barriers against their tranquilizers in case we run into any of them." There was a gleam to her eye that said she was looking forward to repaying the men just as much as Logan.

"Right," Logan said. "So, you, me, and of course Hank. He might know what might be the best places to hit them hard to take down their computers and can help Kurt out."

"I'll leave it up to your discretion whether to bring any of the other students."

"I'll think about it." Logan said, but he didn't really want to risk any of the other students. He wouldn't even be thinking about bringing Kurt if he didn't feel it was necessary. His students had been hurt enough under his watch.

"We'll meet back here to go over the final details tomorrow and then leave the next night."

Ororo and Logan nodded before taking their leave. The Professor followed soon after, going to check in with Hank and on his new Cerebro. He might not be able to go with them, but he could help as much he as could in his own way.

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The smell of fresh laundry wafted up to Scott as he carried the basket full of clean clothes up the stairs. It was difficult climbing the stairs with a limp while precariously balancing the basket and his balance. Two days having passed since their escape, Hank declared Scott's freedom from the crutches, but he still avoided putting too much strain on his leg.

Making it to the stop of the stairs, he leaned against the wall, resting a bit. Who knew having the use of one and a half legs could make a staircase feel like Mount Everest. Looking down, Scott stared at the assortment of clothes in the basket. They all looked shades of red. He didn't know why he'd done the laundry. In fact, he doubted any of the others would be pleased to find out he'd chosen that chore. Back in his usual red glasses, telling a white apart from a red sock would be quite the task.

Still, he had just wanted some dull task to keep his mind off of everything, and laundry folding always seemed to help. So clean clothes equaled clothes to be folded equaled Scott distracted. And right now, he certainly needed that distraction. Rogue and Kitty weren't talking to each other, Jean seemed to be avoiding everyone, and oh, not to mention one of his best friends was dying. Logically, he knew there really wasn't anything he could've done to prevent their capture or stopped Dr. Falk. Still, there was that niggling doubt in the back of his mind, causing him to question himself. He was the leader, right? The one everyone expected to have the solution. Surely, there was something he could've done or could be doing even now to fix everything. He wondered if he was even still cut out to fulfill his role.

He glared down at the clothes. He had chosen laundry precisely to stop these stupid doubts that he knew were stupid because he was being stupid. "Stupid," he said as he hit his head against the wall. Okay, now that that was out of his system, he was ready to go fold some laundry. Turning the corner, he saw Jean standing in the middle of the hall, looking out a window. She looked beautifully morose with the dim sun streaming through the window. As he approached, she didn't react, seemingly distracted by her thoughts.

"Hey," he said softly as he reached her.

Jean looked up, startled. "Oh, um, hi, Scott." Jean's smile was strained. Scott frowned.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Jean's voice quivered. "But, you know, I really need to go and work on -"

"No," Scott commanded. There was no way he was going to let her go off into hiding while she was acting so strange. "Something is up with you, and I'm not going to let you go moping about anymore." He held up the laundry basket, ready to use it as a barricade.

"Nothing's wrong. What makes you say that?" Jean asked as she avoided his eyes.

That niggling doubt in the back of his mind grew into a gnawing sensation. Maybe Jean wasn't avoiding everybody, but just didn't want to talk to him. What if Jean agreed that it was all his fault? Suddenly, Scott didn't feel like folding laundry anymore.

"Jean," Scot began as he put down his basket before gathering the courage to look at her. " It's just, well. I think I know why you've been avoiding me."

Jean looked confused and was about to interrupt before Scott held up a hand.

"Let me finish, please. Before I lose my nerve." He smiled anxiously before running a hand through his hair. "I need to apologize to you. To everyone, really. I really screwed up and got everyone captured."

Jean looked at Scott as if he had just spoken in Swahili. "Scott, you are being an idiot. It was an ambush. There wasn't anything you could do."

"Still, I'm the leader of you guys. I should've done something. Come up with some plan or plotted some way for us to escape."

"If you hadn't noticed, we did escape. And last time I looked, you weren't MacGyver." Jean smiled a real smile this time at Scott.

Scott smiled sheepishly back. He knew he was being foolish in blaming himself. In fact, what Jean had told him, he had already repeated to himself. Still, it was good hearing it from someone else.

"See, this is why you need me around. So you're not so uptight and hard on yourself," Jean said as she nudged him in the shoulder.

"You're right. I do need you around. So, then why have you been avoiding me?"

Jean's playful mood evaporated. "Well, what makes you say that? "

"Jean, please. I care about you. Deeply. And I don't like seeing you in pain."

They stood in silence for a moment before Jean took a deep breath and grabbed Scott's arm for support. "It's about what I did... during our captivity."

Scott looked at her confused. "But you didn't do anything."

"That's exactly it! I didn't do anything at all! I didn't get up and protest like you and Logan did when they took Kurt away." Jean thrust his arm away. "But you know what, I did sit there and think. I thought thank God that wasn't me, thank God that I don't look like that."

"Jean, those are just honest reactions, really," Scott paused trying to be sympathetic while at a loss of what to do. He'd have never have guessed that this was what Jean was stressed about. "It was a tough time, and even I thought the same thing."

"You can't lie to a telepath, Scott. I know what you were thinking cause I know you. You were thinking how you wish you could've taken Kurt's place, done anything in your power for it to be you instead of him. Logan too. And I -" Jean turned away from Scott, not wanting him to see the tears forming in her eyes at her shame and self-disgust. " -and I had only selfish thoughts."

"Do you think our protests did any good? Did you see Falk stop and say hey, that mutant sure knows how to raise amok, I'll take him instead? You know what I saw? I saw that when push came to shove, you were there, fighting right alongside us, using your all to give us a chance to escape. That's what I saw and that's what counts."

Jean shook her head. "You don't understand. If you could only read my thoughts then you'd see that I'm not cut out to be an X-man."

Scott felt like the wind was knocked out of him. "W-what do you mean? Are you quitting the team?"

"I-I dunno. I just-Scott!" Jean's eyes narrowed as she took a step forward, hand flying outwards in front of her.

Baffled by her actions, Scott turned around only to see tranquilizer darts floating several feet away, hanging in midair under Jean's will. Behind the darts, two armed men stared back at them, pausing only briefly before beginning a charge. Not wasting time, Scott picked up the laundry basket and threw it at them. Clothes rained down on the men, obscuring their vision. As Jean and Scott shot down the opposite way, the Professor's voice rang through Scott's head. X-men, head to the subbasement immediately! We're under attack!

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Please review! I do read and appreciate them all even if I am terrible at responding to them.

Next chapter, expect a lot more action.

So I was originally going to have this chapter go as:

"You wanna just skip this conversation?" - Kurt

"Fine by me. Good luck on not dying." - Logan

"I'll do my best. Toodles." - Kurt

I think I'm pleased enough with the results to not resort to this.