An Honest Choice

Title: An Honest Choice
Author: Rosie Cruz
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © Rosie Cruz. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Chapter 13

Casey walked out of her meeting with Branch, her heart beating wildly. She looked around at the people walking to and fro like lost ants. Nobody seemed to notice her. She straightened her dark skirt and began the short walk back to her office. She kept her head up, but did not make eye contact with anyone. Finally reaching the sanctuary of her own office she closed the door lightly and leaned against it.

I hope that wasn't a mistake.

She wasn't sure. Damn Branch for demanding an answer on the spot! She breathed deeply in and then out, trying to focus and center herself. It had come as somewhat of a surprise. She never really believed Branch when he told her she would be at the top of his list for promotions. Branch did what was best for Branch without regard for any promises he may have made along the way.

He had made good this time though. He had offered her the Bureau Chief position in the Village. It was high profile. It meant more money and made her at least a player in the DA's office. It was just like Branch to dump this on her and not expect that she would need to think about it. Wasn't that how she ended up at SVU in the first place? He had just told her to move and had not expected her to say no. When she did, he fought her until she gave in. Even when she returned after her first week asking to be reinstated to her old position in White Crimes, he pushed until she felt she had to stay.

Not this time.

She pushed off from the door and made her way to her desk. She logged back into her computer, wanting to check her calendar. He had been shocked. He had not given her a lot of time to think about it and she knew he wasn't going to give her the time she needed, but she had asked for the time anyway. In the end, he looked incredulous that she was even considering turning it down and asked for an answer immediately.

She noted that she had a court date in the afternoon and began pulling up the files she would need to prepare, still turning over the events of the meeting in her head. His scare tactic had backfired badly. Telling her that he was going to offer it to Alex if she said no did not exactly produce the effect he thought it would. She had been considering it as she sat across from him, but his declaration caused a complete about face. The thought of Alex away from SVU elevated her heart rate. If she couldn't have Olivia, at least she would still have SVU. Hoping she was really making the right choice, she respectfully declined. No sense dwelling on it, she thought trying to switch gears to her upcoming court appearance. Hopefully, Alex will jump at the opportunity.

Olivia walked to the car pondering Josh's advice to simplify things. She opened the door still trying to figure out how she could simplify what seemed to her like the most complicated problem on Earth.

She started the engine and pulled out of the lot. She couldn't fathom how this situation could ever be simple. It just wasn't. Deciding that she needed to think about her current case, she tried to push aside her personal demons. It wasn't working very well. Her mind was just too unfocused. She stepped on the brakes as she approached a red light and looked around trying to get her bearings and then she saw it – Wang's Chinese Restaurant - where she and Casey had picked up their take-out the night of their first kiss. In an instant her entire world was reduced to that night. She couldn't help it. She was back there, back in that time, when things had been simple and sweet, intense and absolutely, overwhelmingly, wonderful.

Food had been consumed, stories shared and laughter rung out like the bells pealing on a Sunday morning after church lets out. They held hands, they shared small kisses and they sat close together on the couch.

She was happy. The thought surprised Olivia and she did a quick search in her head for the last time she had felt this happy, but came up empty. She smiled and kissed the hand that had been entwined in hers for most of the evening, before rising from the soft couch.

"Let me put this food away."

Casey stood as well and contemplated the mess they had made of Olivia's coffee table.

"I'll help."

Olivia, hands full of empty white take out boxes, started to make her way to the kitchen shouting "It's not necessary," at the bent figure scooping up napkins, miscellaneous plastic utensils, and more boxes.

"I want to," said Casey. She was smiling.

The worry over the talk Olivia wanted to have must have receded from Casey's mind and Olivia was glad. She wanted Casey relaxed when they had the talk. She watched Casey pile more garbage in her arms and chuckled at the effort. Before Casey could make her way to the kitchen, Olivia was at her side, smiling as she began removing items from the pile Casey had accumulated.

"You didn't have to take it all in one trip, Casey. The garbage can is only in the next room."

Olivia made her way to the garbage can, followed closely by Casey who waited for Olivia to open it before unceremoniously dropping everything she was carrying.

"Would you like some coffee?" asked Olivia.

"Sure, sounds great. No decaf though. I can't stand that stuff. It doesn't even taste like real coffee."

Olivia looked at her standing in the doorway that led to the small kitchen and gave her a mock frown.

"Would I do that to you?"

"Well I suppose you wouldn't do it to yourself."

"True, now take your sweat-pants clad butt back to the couch and I'll be there in a sec."

Casey looked down, examining herself in said sweats, her face beaming as if wearing NYPD sweat pants was a dream come true. She paused before walking out, turning to her benefactor.

"Thanks for the sweats," she grinned.

"I gave you the t-shirt and socks too. Do I get thanks for that?" Olivia shouted as she started the coffeemaker.

"Sure, just get back in here in the next five minutes," she heard from the living room.

She shook her head. 'God I love that woman…whoa, hold on a minute! Love?'

Olivia was in the process of opening one of her kitchen cabinets, when those thoughts froze her to the spot like some sort of weird brain freeze that extended outward to her whole body. After a few seconds her arm went lax and landed on the clean kitchen counter. 'Is that what this is? YES!' her brain seemed to be shouting at her. She leaned her head against the cabinet and concentrated on breathing.

'Can it be true? But it didn't feel like this last time. This is different. This is the real thing.'

She smiled as she lifted her head, a surge of energy invading her whole body. She reached for the handle to the cabinet and opened it totally expecting a marching band or confetti to come storming out. Grinning as if she knew an important secret no one else knew, she reached for two cups and set them down on the counter.

'Yes, the real thing, she is the real thing.'

It was as if someone had just filled in that critical piece of the puzzle from which everything else just fell into place naturally. She went to the refrigerator grabbed the cream and set it next to the mugs. The coffeemaker made hissing and gurgling noises, but she paid the obnoxious machine no mind. She went to another cabinet pulling out sugar and finally pulled open a drawer and extracted a single spoon.

'This was right,' she thought as she laid the spoon next to the mugs. She glanced at the coffee machine still in the midst of hisses and tapped her fingers impatiently. 'I am in love with Casey Novak,' she thought. She was still smiling and that made her laugh, because she couldn't seem to help it. The smile was just there anytime she thought of the woman flicking through channels on her television in the other room.

She could hear the machine in its final throes and walked toward it. 'This is right,' she thought again. She poured the coffee, dabbed it with cream and a little sugar and stirred. 'One spoon, two cups, one life, two hearts. It was right.'

But there was still Elliot and his 'you need to talk to her about what she wants people to know' speech. 'Right, here goes nothing.'

She walked into the living room, two cups in her hand. The scene before her made her stomach flutter yet again. Casey was laid out on the couch, her head resting on one of the pillows, with the sweetest, most innocent face Olivia had ever seen. The flutters gave way to flips that left Olivia feeling unbalanced. She looked down quickly wanting to avoid any unwanted killer bags that might be in her way and ended up stumbling a bit, but she managed to hold on to the sloshing coffee anyway.

"Hey, need some help there?" said Casey.

"No, I'm good. Just keep lounging."

Casey sat up quickly and reached for the coffee cup Olivia was handing her.

"Umm, nice and hot." She wrapped her hands around the warmth of the cup and inhaled the strong aroma.

"That hits the spot. Thank you."

Casey waited for Olivia to settle down on the couch next to her then leaned back till they were shoulder to shoulder. A comfortable silence filled the air as both women took tentative sips of the hot brew. Finally Olivia shifted so that she was facing Casey, one hand extended along the length of the couch, the other still holding the steaming cup.

"Is it okay to have that talk now?"

Casey's coffee cup froze midway to her lips.

"Talk? I thought we already had the talk," said Casey as she set the cup down.

Confused eyes searched Olivia's, looking for any nervousness or remorse.

Olivia frowned. "Um no." She set down her cup and reached for Casey's hands sensing the younger woman's nervousness and wanting some physical contact with Casey to quell her own.

"Okay, so talk," said Casey.

The subtle tones that normally infused Casey's words with warmth and life were gone.

'Don't screw this up, Benson.'

"Well, I…don't know how out you are…what I mean is, how do you feel about other people knowing about us?" 'There she had gotten it out. Elliot would be proud.'

Casey seemed taken aback.

"How do I feel about other people knowing what? About us...I've never thought about it," Casey responded.

"Well, I think you might have to start thinking about it. Your position comes with some media exposure. And then there's the squad, your colleagues, Branch. There's a lot to consider."

"And?"

"And, I don't know. I just…wanted to know how you felt about all of it."

"Personally, I don't give a rat's ass what people think about it." Casey was angry and confused but Olivia had to surge forward. They needed to talk about this and get everything clear.

"Are you sure about that?"

Casey looked like she was about to snap. Olivia thought she could even imagine the exact words Casey would level at her. She was sure they would be something like: she was damn sure and that if Olivia wanted her to hide who she was, she could go jump in the river. But Olivia needed to be sure.

Casey squeezed Olivia's hands between hers and started to answer Olivia in a soft careful tone.

"Olivia, you should know that I'm out at work. I mean I don't throw it in anybody's face, and it's often easier to leave your personal life at home, but I won't lie about who I am. I don't think I can do that," she whispered the last part.

Olivia's outraged voice startled her.

"You are not out at work! That is just not possible. I didn't know you were gay until after we started spending time together and even then I wasn't sure. I mean I hoped, but…"

"You probably didn't know before because none of you ever took the time to get to know me until recently. But come on, all the signs were there. I'm awkward in a skirt. I'm athletic. No boyfriend. I play softball for Christ sakes!"

"Yeah but, you asked me about my boyfriends!"

"That was just to feel you out, see what you said. I never said I had a boyfriend."

Olivia was stunned. "I spent all this time wondering. There is just no way you were out and I didn't know it."

"Come on Olivia. I didn't have a social life, nothing to talk about. Most people assume you're straight until they see evidence to the contrary. In my case there really was none." She paused, "Well except for the whopper of a crush I had on you, which by the way, had anyone been paying attention they would have noticed. Serena certainly did. Besides, I don't go blabbing about being a lesbian. It isn't anyone's business." She paused again, this time seeming nervous about the question she was about to ask, almost as if she feared Olivia's response.

"How do you feel about it?"

"What?" Olivia was still in shock that Casey was kind of out at work. 'How was that possible?'

"How do you feel about people knowing about our…us? I mean, do you have a problem with it?"

"No, no…of course not! I don't usually talk about my personal life at work either, well except with Elliot sometimes, but no I don't care. The reason I was asking is that, well the umm…the squad has noticed. They think something is going on, but I didn't want to say anything unless you were okay with it."

"What would you have done if I wasn't okay with it?" Casey was curious.

"I don't know. I would find it hard. I think it would be almost impossible given how closely we work together, but if it was important to you, I would have tried to keep it a secret. I'm not sure I would have liked it. I don't like having to lie to my friends."

Casey was still holding Olivia's hands between her own.

"Olivia I would never make you lie to your friends about something so important. I don't think I could do that myself."

"So, I guess the squad will have to be let in on our little secret."

"It sounds like they have it figured out already, although we haven't made it hard for them, have we? Remember, how you kissed me on the softball field?"

Olivia extracted one hand from Casey's to rub her jaw. "Yeah, I guess I did. I wasn't thinking straight."

"Definitely not," answered Casey laughing eyes taking in the sheepish looking woman sitting next to her.

Olivia smirked. "That's not what I meant. I guess I should have been more careful there. But you, Casey Novak, have really screwed with all my more rational inclinations. You…" she cupped Casey's face with both hands and lost herself in the warmth of Casey's sea green eyes as she leaned into her. "You make me absolutely, positively crazy."

The kiss was all fire and passion and lust, their lips locking together like pieces of a puzzle. Mouth and lips sucked and kissed in a wondrous meeting. When tongues joined in the fun, the kiss changed. Olivia was melting, she was sure of it. The thin layer of sweat that was collecting all over her body, the wetness she felt in parts south, the way her body just blended with Casey's seeking it out convinced her that she was indeed melting.

They needed to slow things down. Both women seemed to come to that realization simultaneously and the kiss changed again. They pulled back trying to quell the intensity.

The kiss became more soft and sweet. They pulled away breathing hard, trying to gain some composure. Casey was the first to speak.

"Wow," she said her chest still heaving.

The comment sounded playful, but was laced with a seductive huskiness that suggested Casey was struggling with her body's desires. Olivia was waging her own struggle with her body's reaction to that kiss. She was breathing hard, trying to think of anything but the beautifully sexy woman who was planning to spend the night. It was hard. Casey had practically crawled into her lap and Olivia had yet to let her go. She pulled Casey close and hugged her hard, her breathing still coming in loud ragged breaths. They sat like that for a few minutes before Olivia loosened her hold on Casey. Finally she spoke.

"I think we should be getting ready for bed, but um…I'm a little afraid." She expected a genuine laugh from Casey.

"Me too," said Casey her breathing still a little too quick, her body begging her to continue the pleasant activities that would surely lead to other more pleasant activities.

Olivia sighed. They were both struggling with their libidos.

"Come on, we're big girls, I think we can do this or I should I just stay here on the couch? You might be safer that way," said Olivia.

"No way detective!" Casey reluctantly disengaged herself from Olivia's embrace and stood, pulling Olivia off the couch. "There is no way I am sleeping in there when you are out here."

Olivia stood, but it was too much, the nearness, her scent, the heat emanating from Casey was too much and she leaned in closer for another kiss; arms automatically went around each other, bodies were pulled tighter. They pulled back again. 'This isn't working,' was on the tip of Olivia's tongue, but before she could get herself together enough to say the words, she heard Casey's voice.

"Come on."

Leading her to the bedroom Casey quieted all of Olivia's fears and the half hearted protests that they were not ready. Olivia followed, not sure if she could ever not follow Casey anywhere.

They went through the obligatory nightly routines of teeth brushing, face washing and last trips to the bathrooms before climbing into bed. Olivia was nervous, but Casey was calm. The smile that had been plastered on her face since they walked into Olivia's bedroom had yet to vanish. If anything it seemed to brighten every minute. Olivia's movements were small and controlled. She walked stiffly toward the bed, arms crossed in front of her, her forward momentum operating in slow motion. Casey practically hopped into the bed like a small child at her very first sleep-over.

"Hey are you coming to bed?" she asked as if they had done this a hundred times before.

"Yeah," Olivia replied having finally reached her bed and tentatively grabbing one edge of the comforter. 'This is my bed. Why am I so nervous?' She started to pull the comforter back when she noticed the lack of motion from the energetic redhead. Moments before Casey could hardly contain her excitement. She had bounded out of the bathroom, taken a running start and jumped on the bed. But now she sat perfectly still, crossed-legged on top of the comforter, staring at the jittery woman tugging at it.

"Liv? Are you okay?"

Olivia looked up. All traces of playfulness disappeared from Casey's face. In its place, worry, fear and concern took up residence.

Olivia smiled. 'You're freaking her out, so cut it out!'

"I'm fine." She cleared her throat and continued: "Just a little nervous."

Casey did not hesitate to return that smile with one of her own. She reached across the bed for Olivia's hand and tugged gently. Olivia got the message and sat on the edge of the bed facing Casey.

"There is absolutely nothing to be nervous about. Nothing is going to happen here that we don't want, okay?"

Olivia just stared and stared and stared. She couldn't help herself. She loved this woman. She knew it like she knew nothing else in her life. She looked down at their joined hands and chuckled.

"That's just it Casey. I want you." She paused considering her next words. She had to be careful. This was all so new to her.

"I want you so bad, that I'm nervous as hell about getting into this bed with you."

Casey tried lightening the mood. "It's nice to be wanted. I like that. A lot."

Olivia smiled.

"Casey…I want to do this right. I don't want to rush into something we'll regret later. I want everything to be perfect when we make love. I just…" She was struggling with her words.

"What makes you think it isn't perfect?" Casey was smiling again. Olivia let out a breath and scooted closer.

"I can't resist that smile you know?" She sat fully on the bed, legs crossed, knees pressed up lightly against Casey's.

"No, I didn't know."

Casey voice was changing and it was affecting Olivia's entire existence. It was deeper, huskier, and breathier. The air around them seemed dense. Olivia noticed the subtle shift in her breathing, getting heavier and causing her chest to heave slightly. She was holding Casey's hands, rubbing them with her thumb, every stroke feeling like flint being struck, the fire only moments away.

"You are so beautiful Casey and so very perfect."

Olivia found it harder to breathe as Casey leaned closer. She could not resist the pull. Like a magnet drawn to metal she leaned forward until her lips found Casey's. They rose simultaneously onto their knees both needing the full body contact as the kiss deepened. Casey's tongue was on her lips begging for entrance and Olivia was only too happy to oblige. Tongues intertwined. Olivia loosened her hold as she lowered them onto the bed, so that she was on top of Casey kissing her feverishly. After a few moments, they pulled apart needing a moment to breathe. They stared at each other. Olivia was leaning over Casey, her lust-filled eyes no longer trying to hide her needs, her wants, and her desires. Casey closed her eyes; her left hand went to her face. Olivia, getting the hint, rolled off of her and threw one arm over her own eyes.

"I want you Olivia…so very bad. But I need to know that you aren't going to have regrets tomorrow. I'm willing to take this slow if that's what you need."

Casey turned her face to the woman lying down next to her. Olivia took a moment to calm her breathing. Finally she withdrew the arm shielding her eyes and turned her head. She laughed as she watched Casey watch her.

"You don't want me to have regrets? I don't want you to have regrets! We're quite the pair, huh?" She changed positions, turning over to face Casey, her head propped on her bent arm. "There is nothing about you that I could ever regret. Not a kiss, not a touch, not a look. It's just not possible Casey."

Her eyes roamed the landscape that was Casey's body, lingering in places that she had denied herself before. Her hand reached out to trace the planes of Casey's body. Everywhere her eyes went, her hand followed, until she reached Casey's cheek. Lust filled eyes bore into Casey and she felt her breath coming quicker again. Olivia cupped her cheek and looked deeply into her eyes trying to infuse Casey's being with feelings she could not articulate fully with words.

"I want to make love to you Casey. Tonight. Here in my bed. I want to love your body and worship it as if it's sacred. I want to show you what you have done to me the last few weeks, what you do to me every minute of every day." She waited.

"Yes" she heard and it was all the confirmation she needed.

Olivia pulled into the station. She had no memory of how she had arrived there. She had no memory of parking the car. She just suddenly found herself at the station, her hands at the 10 and 2 o'clock positions on the steering wheel.

"Oh God…I've been such a fucking idiot!" she shouted to no one. She put her head on the steering wheel just barely managing to stop herself from banging it hard.

"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"

And then Olivia understood what Josh meant about simplicity. It was really very simple. She loved Casey. She loved her completely. She should have never tried to complicate it with her past, with her regrets, her what-ifs. It wasn't Alex that had mucked up the water. It was her.

I've made such a huge mistake