An Honest Choice

Title: An Honest Choice
Author: Rosie Cruz
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Chapter 14

Elliot looked up to see his partner walking to her desk. He was glad to see that she had gotten back from hospital, but she looked a little…confused? No. Dumbstruck? Maybe. She didn't look at him and instead headed straight for her desk.

"Hey…Any luck with the vic?"

"What?" she said sounding a little dazed.

Eyebrows raised, Elliot tried again.

"Our rape victim?"

Olivia sat at her desk.

"Sorry, no. I tried everything I could think of. She might call. If she doesn't, I'll try again tomorrow." She pulled some files in front of her and started flipping through them. "Any other leads?" she asked.

"No. We're waiting on the results of the rape kit. At least she consented to a kit."

He continued to stare at her. She was fidgeting.

"Feel like lunch?" he asked.

"What?"

"Lunch, you know the meal in between breakfast and dinner? What's up with you anyway? Everything okay?"

"No," she said burying her head in the files again.

"Okay, come on. We're going for some lunch. I feel like a roast beef sandwich."

"I don't…" she started to protest. "Okay," she relented, never finishing her initial thought.

Fifteen minutes later they were in Central Park sitting on a park bench. Olivia sat, elbows on her knees, head down, hands holding her head as if it might fall off her shoulders. She was breathing hard and Elliot thought for a moment that she might hyperventilate. He sat calmly eating a roast beef sandwich. He stopped chewing long enough to take a sip of the grape soda perched next to him. He had listened patiently while she explained what everyone except her already knew - she had made a monumental mistake. Then he made her sit and listen while he explained Kathy's theory that there was something inevitable about the whole thing.

"Listen Liv, this whole thing with Cabot coming back, ultimately it's a good thing," he said trying to sound hopeful.

He had been prepared for an explosion. To his surprise, none came. He waited for some reaction from her. Finally she lifted her head and looked at him with cold angry eyes.

"What the hell are you talking about? How can discovering that you have lost the love of your life to fulfill some played out fantasy be a good thing?"

Elliot looked at her and shrugged before continuing.

"Liv, for the first time in a few weeks you are finally in your right mind. You know you made a mistake. You're no longer confused."

But she hadn't reacted to this revelation with joy. Instead she got angrier.

"Don't you get it? I've lost her and all I've gained is someone who says she wants a relationship, but can't acknowledge it, who cares more about her career than anything else, and who cannot give me what I want!"

"What is it that you want?"

"I want Casey," she said softly.

"You're right. Alex can't give you that. But that doesn't mean you can't get Casey back."

"I've hurt her! Badly. I can't go back. I can't fix this…this thing I've done. I can't undo this!"

"No, you can't, but…" he paused because even though he wanted to believe his next words, he wasn't sure they were true. "You and Casey should both be able to see something positive in this and move on stronger and better than you were before."

"Jesus Elliot, you don't get it! How do I make up for what I've done? There is no way to come back from that!" She was screaming now and drawing the attention of casual park goers.

"I'm surprised at you Liv. That's the attitude of a coward. Of course, you can't take back everything that's happened the last few weeks. But you don't need to do that. What I'm telling you is that you can get past this and you can get her back."

"How?"

He paused unsure of how much to reveal to Liv. He wanted to tell her everything. He had finally gotten Casey to open up to him a little the day before and while he didn't want to betray her confidence, he thought Liv needed to know some things.

"You know what Casey told me? She said that she always knew that Alex came first for you. She told me that for the first six months you were together, she was always afraid that Alex would come back and that would be the end of everything. After the first six months she convinced herself that Alex wasn't coming back. It was the only way she could give herself to you fully without the fear, but it was always a nagging thought in her head. For her there was always the possibility that Alex would return. Don't you see? You did exactly what she expected. It was her worst fears coming true. You confirmed what she had always been scared of - that she was second in your life."

He looked at her crestfallen face, bent down low. "But if I'm hearing you right, Casey was wrong. Casey comes first for you, doesn't she? You just didn't know really know it, until you were face to face with it."

"But I didn't make the right choice when I needed to. I was confused, so I stopped…thinking. All I could do was concentrate on the feeling of relief I had that she was back. I didn't think about the future or Casey. And when Casey left that night…I didn't do anything to stop her."

"Did you grieve for Alex when she left?"

She shifted in her seat uncomfortable with the question.

"Of course I did. You know I did. We both did. It was hard to get over, because I knew that she was still very much alive, but eventually I think I started to think of her as unavailable, at least to me."

"Olivia, I don't think anyone who has lost a loved one and grieved for that person would not willingly try to recapture what they had if that loved one came back. No matter what else is going on or has gone on that initial reaction is…instinctual." He paused.

Olivia was processing all of this trying desperately to understand what kind of comfort Elliot thought he was providing. When there was no response from her, he continued.

"I think…" he paused and took a breath. "I think I agree with Kathy. In some ways you needed to go through this. You needed to try and have a relationship with Alex even if it was ultimately doomed. You would have always regretted it if you hadn't tried. And eventually you might have resented Casey, for being the barrier between some fantasy-life you imagined with Alex and your real life. I don't know. Look, you and Alex weren't really given the chance to see if you could have had something. That decision was made for you by someone else. Maybe that's why you needed to go through this. You needed to see for yourself. The thing is…Casey got hurt and that sucks.

"If you want her back I think you need to convince her that your first choice wasn't really a choice at all. It was just something you needed to do. You need to convince her that she isn't just someone you turned to because you couldn't have Alex. She knows you love her Liv, but there was always this grain of insecurity in her that she was not your first choice. She needs to know that given an honest choice, you would choose her. But in order for it to be an honest choice, you needed to be able to close the door on Alex first."

"Yeah but… now that I've worked all this out there's no guarantee that Casey will accept it. I mean I hurt her. I'm not sure I can…" she gulped. "I'm not sure I can get her back after all of this."

"If anyone can, you can. But she's not going to just accept a simple apology and a promise to love her forever. You're right, Casey has been deeply hurt. You have a very long, hard road ahead of you, but it's possible, don't you think? You have to believe it is."

Olivia looked at the trees lining the path that led out to a sunny courtyard. She was pretty sure that Elliot's attempts at psycho-babble about this being an experience they needed to go through would not convince Casey, but it did give her hope. She took a deep breath and tried to gain confidence from the fact that she felt better, certainly better than she had felt since this whole thing started. She was focused and her head was clear. She knew what she wanted. She had to get Casey back, but there was something she needed to do first.

Olivia stood at the door of Alex's new apartment, hands balled up into fists deep inside her leather jacket. She exhaled loudly trying to dispel the uneasiness she felt about what she was about to do. She knew it was right, but hurting someone was not easy. She withdrew her right her hand from her pocket and tapped softly, wanting to lengthen the moment between the hesitant knock and the door opening. The door swung open almost immediately.

"Hi," said Alex with a big grin. She grabbed Olivia's leather jacket and pulled her into the apartment, not waiting for Olivia to close the door behind her before throwing long arms around her neck and wrapping legs tightly around Olivia's waist. She felt Olivia's body stiffen, but quickly dismissed that as an insignificant fact. She pulled back to look at Olivia, trying to ignore the confused and almost pained look Olivia was leveling at her.

"You will never guess what happened to me today," she said kissing Olivia lightly and loosening her embrace. She relaxed her legs until she was back on solid ground and closed the door quickly.

"Branch offered me a new position: Bureau Chief in the Village." She moved toward the kitchen picking up two wooden utensils and beginning to toss the salad.

"That's great," muttered Olivia as she removed her jacket and placed it neatly on the coat rack. "So that's what all of this is about?" she said, gesturing to the large dimly lit room adjacent to the kitchen that served as Alex's dining room. She walked around slowly.

It was ensconced in candlelight, a dozen candles placed strategically around the room. The table was set for what looked like a romantic dinner. Olivia busied herself by looking around the room, figuring out angles, could she do this here, today? I have to, she thought solemnly. For the past few hours, she had been pondering how she should approach the Alex problem. She was not looking forward to this conversation, but after today's lunch with Elliot, she knew it had to be done and it had to be done soon.

She had been absolutely in love with Alex once, but things had changed. She had met Casey and things had never felt as right or as good with Alex as they did with Casey. Alex was intensity and longing, but there was something missing. With Alex she would never feel the warmth and tenderness she felt with Casey. It wasn't that Alex couldn't be warm and tender; it was just that their unique relationship was so thoroughly tied to this unbearable longing they had both felt for so long. With Alex it had always been either longing or simple friendship. She still loved Alex but it was not a love of lovers. In the end without the unbearable longing to fuel the fire there was nothing there but genuine care and friendship.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by Alex's appearance in the candlelit room. Placing the salad on the table, Alex continued talking incessantly about Branch. Olivia snapped to attention and decided she needed to get this over with before dinner. She stepped forward.

"Alex"

Alex noted the tone first. It was not the usual way Olivia addressed her. Gone was the smooth sultry voice that seemed to caress. This was Olivia's serious voice and although Alex knew that what was coming next was not something she wanted to hear, she stopped. Soft footsteps approached her from behind. She felt Olivia's hands on her shoulders nudging her slightly. She turned, but did not look at her.

"We need to talk. Why don't we sit in the living room?" said Olivia.

Anger, anger was safe.

"No! Whatever you need to say can be said here."

She forced herself to step away from Olivia, away from her presence, away from her scent, her touch, everything. She knew she could not run from the voice, but it seemed safer to move away anyway. Maybe it would hurt less.

"I can tell this isn't going to be one of our good conversations," she said trying to smile, but only managing a weak grimace.

"No, I guess not," said Olivia. She ran her hands through her short brown hair and looked inward trying to find something that would anchor her. The thought of Casey and what a future with Casey could look like did the trick.

"I don't think this is working, do you?" she said trying to engage the statuesque blond.

For a moment there was no response from the corner of the room Alex had staked out as hers. After a minute of silence, Alex spoke.

"Funny, I thought it was actually."

"Alex, me and you, this thing we have, it isn't working."

Alex frowned.

"Is this about my career? About my need to not have our relationship be public?"

"I guess…in part," Olivia faltered. She blew out a breath. "Alex the whole thing just isn't working."

"Decide which it is Olivia. Are you leaving me because you aren't happy with the relationship or are you unhappy with the person in the relationship?"

"What? No, I mean yes…"

"You can't have it both ways," said Alex. "If it's the relationship, we can work on that. You have a problem with me dating guys or showing up with someone else at political events? Fine, I don't have to do that. You want…" and here she wavered because she wasn't sure she could really fulfill this part. "If you want a more public relationship, I can…work on that, but you have to be patient with me, Olivia. There is a lot at stake for me!"

"For me too, Alex! And for the record, no, I don't want a more public relationship. I… I don't think that would make you happy. Your career is important to you and I wouldn't want you to sabotage it for me."

"So then it's the person in the relationship?"

Olivia was silent. She wasn't quite sure how to respond to that.

"It's her, isn't it?" she said not looking at Olivia.

"Alex, I want...I need…"

"Casey?"

Olivia's head snapped up. "I was going to say more, but…yes, I need Casey."

"You need Casey? Or is Casey more?"

"Yes and yes."

Alex put her head in her hands. She had to think of something to make Olivia stay. She needed to make her stay until she figured out what to do.

"Olivia, I'm willing to work on this. I want to be with you. When I was in Witness Protection, I would look in the mirror every morning, and try to remind myself that I was Alexandra Cabot, that I had a life and a career and people who cared about me. I swore to myself that given the opportunity, I would get that back, all of it, but my biggest regret was you." She looked up, watery blue eyes shiny in the candlelight.

"Part of the reason I never said anything to you about my feelings was that it didn't fit into my plan. I wanted to be DA and eventually go into politics. Having a relationship with a woman certainly did not fit into those plans. So I said nothing and hoped it would go away. Then it did. In one moment I lost everything. The career I had worked so hard for was derailed and all the sacrifices I had made seemed pointless…such a waste. Chief among those sacrifices was that I never said anything to you, even though I knew you had feelings for me. I swore that given the chance I would not make that same mistake. I was smart enough. I would make it all work. That particular little fantasy of having it all – you and the career - kept me hopeful."

She was pacing slowly now, but keeping her distance from Olivia.

"When Velez was killed I felt like I was going to get the opportunity to make good on my promise." She took a breath before continuing: "Except the fantasy wasn't as complicated as the real thing. I hadn't expected you to be with anyone…But I thought that was a minor complication."

There was a long pause in which neither woman spoke. Then Alex continued:

"I knew that I was asking you to make a huge sacrifice keeping our relationship secret. I thought it would be enough though. I thought our love was strong enough to weather that…inconvenience." She paused. "But you've changed a lot."

"I guess I have. It's not enough anymore to just love you in secret. I need a companion not just a lover," said Olivia.

Olivia walked over to the window and then turned around. She needed Alex to understand.

"It's been a surprise to me too, to find that the thing I want is the thing I thought was least important to me. The idea of family always brought out such… negativity in me that I had given up on ever having it or anything like it."

"But you found it, didn't you? With Casey," said Alex's soft voice.

"Yeah, I did. And it's the darnedest thing," Olivia chuckled. She put a hand to her neck wanting to ease the ache that had appeared there suddenly.

"You know Elliot is forever inviting me over for holidays and family gatherings. I only went rarely before I met Casey. The few times I did it just made me sad. Here he had this wonderful family and they were good, but I couldn't feel the goodness. I could see it. I could describe it. In a strange way, I could even be a part of it, but I could never really feel it. So I decided I could never have that kind of future. I just knew that family and this idea of domestic tranquility was just not for me, because I could never feel that goodness." She paused and turned around to face the window again. "And then Casey came into my life and..." she broke off leaving the thought unfinished. Silence permeated the room. Finally Olivia's voice broke the tense stillness.

"The first time we were invited to a barbeque at the Stabler's as a couple, I was going to tactfully decline, but Casey got so excited about it. I think it reminded her of her own family. So we went and I saw her and the way she interacted with Elliot's kids, with Kathy, with everybody and it made me feel so good. It was incredible. I finally felt it."

She turned around to look at Alex.

"I really felt it. I want that."

Alex didn't want to hear this. She didn't need to hear about how good Casey made Olivia feel. It was cruel to have to hear that, she thought. Her anger came back.

"That's not really fair to Casey, is it?"

Olivia was thrown by the question. She crossed her arms.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm sorry, but it sounds like you don't want Casey per se, but what you think she represents: family and stability. You should want her for her, not because of the things you think she can give you."

Olivia was looking directly at Alex's fiery eyes.

"You're right. I haven't been fair to Casey. She opened up this wonderful new world to me and I treated her like shit. When you came back, I…I didn't know what to think. It wasn't until much later that I realized the reason I even wanted those things – family, companionship, love, security – whatever you want to call it, was because I would have them with her. I do want Casey for her, because she brings goodness to my life, something I thought I was incapable of feeling and that goodness - makes the rest of it possible."

Olivia turned slowly again to the large window in Alex's dining room. She put her hands in the pockets of her jeans, wistfully wishing that she had been smarter sooner, that she had known earlier what she knew now. Perhaps there would have been less pain for everyone if she had.

"I'm sorry Alex, but the reason it won't work between us is because you're not Casey."

Alex gasped. The intensity behind Olivia's declaration was powerful. There would be no making Olivia stay.

"Then I guess you should go," she said quietly. Olivia wanted to go to her, to provide some comfort, but she knew it would be rejected. Alex was hurting and she wanted to kick herself for causing two people that she loved so much pain. She grabbed her jacket and with one final look at Alex's tense back, she walked away.