An Honest Choice

Title: An Honest Choice
Author: Rosie Cruz
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: Just one more cheesy chapter left, but it might take a few days to post as I will be unplugged from the internet for a few days. Thanks for reviewing. It is much appreciated.

Chapter 18

Two months later

Casey was nervous. She was back in the place, she swore, absolutely swore she would never let herself be in again, madly in love with a person who perhaps did not love her in the same way. Life was so unpredictable, she thought as she steered sharply to the left to avoid a suddenly opening car door.

Stupid cars, she thought as she rolled to a stop at the light. Normally those things didn't really bother her. She was used to them as a regular cyclist on New York's city streets. She almost always found her rhythm as she rode home and just incorporated the irritating pedestrians and lunatics in cars into her ride. A bike ride home usually relaxed her, although most people thought she was taking her life into her hands the moment she started pedaling. But tonight she was distracted and not concentrating and open car doors just pissed her off. She was almost home now and tried to put all thoughts of last night on some shelf somewhere where she could take them down and examine them at her leisure. It was not to be.

She had been taking things slow with Olivia. Casey's decision to let Olivia back into her life had been made hesitantly and with a lot of reservations. She told Olivia from the onset that she didn't know if reconciliation would ultimately work, that they had to take things slow. But as was often the case with her, she was never in as much control of situations as she thought she should be and she was starting to freak out about the situation with Olivia. Things had been going well, too well. She was starting to lose herself in Olivia again.

Olivia had taken Casey's declaration that they would have to rebuild their relationship from scratch to heart. As a result, Casey found herself on the receiving end of flowers, bottles of wine, and small gifts every time they went out.

The best surprise was the discovery that Olivia had developed a taste for the coffee served at Casey's favorite morning coffee shop. She had found her there the morning Olivia returned to work after the head injury. Olivia offered to pay for their cups and they made the short walk to work together. She was surprised and delighted to find Olivia there most mornings now, just waiting for her. Sometimes they would walk directly to work, other times they would sit and enjoy their cups of coffee together before the walk. It was nice.

She was also experiencing a new set of firsts with Olivia. They had been awkward and hesitant with each other initially, finding it difficult to discover the easy comfort they had been accustomed to, but before Casey knew it, she was looking forward to their time together and didn't worry so much. She no longer hesitated to sit next to Olivia during their Friday night bar bashes and she was disappointed if Olivia couldn't make their morning coffee dates. During one especially raucous Friday night where they had been close to tears with laughter at Fin and Munch's antics, she found herself missing the physical connection with Olivia. Olivia had been careful, treating her like a fragile, precious crystal. She had not initiated any physical touches. She wanted to, Casey knew. Casey could see it clearly in her eyes, but Olivia held back waiting for some sign from Casey that her touch was welcome and that night it was very welcome.

Not able to contain herself, she reached for Olivia's arm as Munch and Fin debated the merits of Munch's newest theory about women. Olivia's arm was warm and soft and the simple touch set off memories for Casey that made her heart race and leap almost out of control. She stroked it lightly, her eyes focused on her companions at the table, but her mind nowhere near there. Suddenly the arm under her hand began shaking and she turned to look at Olivia.

Olivia's gaze was focused on the dart board behind Munch's head. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. She felt Casey's gaze on her and turned slowly simultaneously turning her arm to take Casey's hand fully in hers before squeezing it tightly. She smiled and finally let out a breath.

"Thank you," she said in a whisper.

Later as they walked back to the station to pick up Olivia's car, it seemed the most natural thing for Casey to thread her arm through Olivia's and so she had.

Their first kiss had followed shortly after, a natural extension of their growing closeness. The only thing strange about it was that it had happened at the station of all places. Casey had come searching for the detective who was working late at her desk. Head bent, she was looking at various pieces of paper strewn across her desk. Her brow was furrowed. A notebook lay open in the middle of the mess. She was tapping the pencil in her hand impatiently looking as if she was waiting for something to emerge from the paper.

"Hey," said Casey as she walked slowly towards Olivia.

In the past, there would have been a kiss waiting for her at end of her trek. There could be again, her mind piped up. Yes, there could be.

Heart beating wildly, but determined, Casey continued her slow pace. She watched in slow motion as Olivia lifted her head and smiled that wonderfully radiant smile she absolutely loved. Olivia was watching her get closer, and did not bother to mask her appreciation of the long, sexy body walking towards her. Her eyes were hopeful.

Determination growing with every step, Casey's eyes became more focused on Olivia's beautiful face, then her lips. When she finally reached her destination, Olivia stood up and now there was no hesitation and their lips met in a slow, very sweet kiss. The kiss was over too quickly for Olivia, so she went in for another, gently brushing her lips with Casey's, pausing for only a nanosecond before doing it again with a little more force. Casey responded by increasing the pressure and suddenly Olivia felt arms on her shoulder encircling her head, gently bringing their bodies into greater contact. They stopped to breath and just stood there smiling.

From there they quickly progressed to longer, sweeter, and much wetter kisses that hinted at a fiery passion just boiling underneath. And that was the problem.

Olivia had very badly wanted to spend the night last night and Casey had been on the verge of saying yes to that, longing for the intimate closeness that had been a part of her daily existence a few short months ago – before Alex. She barely managed the one syllable "No" that came out sounding raw and choked. She couldn't look at Olivia as she said it, knowing she would see pain subtly hidden behind a mask of resigned understanding.

Olivia had of course made it better, made it seem okay that Casey was putting up a barrier between them. Casey was struggling with that final step. Exposing oneself physically to someone was the ultimate act of faith and Casey just wasn't ready to be that vulnerable yet. So she continued telling Olivia that they had to take things slow, that she needed a lot of time to adjust to everything, but they both knew that it was about trust. Casey just hadn't been able to trust that Olivia would not hurt her again.

But after two months of taking things slow her inability to open herself up to Olivia started to panic her. She knew it was affecting Olivia too, because if Casey couldn't get through this, then there was no future for them.

Her apartment in sight she slowed down and tried to shut down her brain enough to take her bike upstairs. Struggling with her bike, the thoughts kept swirling in her head making all the simple tasks she had done a hundred times that much harder. She blew out an exasperated breath as she entered the elevator, thoughts of last night flooding her senses so that she was transported back in time.

Olivia, of course, tried to hide the hurt. She smiled, picked up her jacket, made a joke about having to try and kissed Casey good night, lingering for just a moment before walking toward the door. The ding of the elevator startled Casey out of her trance and she wheeled her bike to her apartment, concentrating on the door, the keys in the lock, the hooks on the ceiling, and then with one final heave her bike was safely tucked away. She turned and made sure the door was locked before heading for the shower.

The heavy thoughts could not be washed away and she found herself trying to work through her feelings as she toweled her hair. Examining her feelings was something she had resisted doing, thinking that clarity and comfort would just come when the time was right. But that had not happened. Obviously they could not go on as they had been with Casey putting up eemotional and physical barriers.

It wasn't fair to Olivia and it was incredibly exhausting for her to keep those barriers up. She went into the bedroom wanting the comfort of sweats. Her search for sweat pants was successful, but she came up empty when it came to the elusive comfortable t-shirt. This should be impossible for someone with as many workout clothes as you own Casey, she chided herself. But sure enough all comfy t-shirt type clothes were in the laundry. I could steal one of Liv's NYPD shirts, she thought before the rational part of her brain reminded her that Liv no longer had clothes here. She stopped searching momentarily and looked around her bedroom but it looked bleak and empty.

Geez, when did this room get so depressing?

Determined to find something comfortable, she continued the search in her closet, where she did in fact come up with an old NYPD shirt hidden in the back amongst a pile of clothes that looked like they might have been headed for the rag pile at some point. Beggars can't be choosers, she thought as she slipped the shirt over her head.

Deciding to forego the blow dryer, she headed for the couch. She wasn't hungry as Olivia had dropped off Chinese food earlier hoping for an early dinner with Casey in her office. They had been interrupted when Olivia received a call. Suddenly Casey remembered that she had promised to save some food for Olivia and she hurriedly looked in her bag, hoping the boxes had survived the ride. They were a little banged up but nothing had spilled which put a smile on her face. She put the food in the fridge and then went in search of her phone. She stared at the phone in her hand debating with herself about her next move. She knew she should talk to someone. It had always been the best way for her to see things more clearly. She drove her assistants and 2nd chairs nuts with this, often talking though a whole case with them out loud before deciding how she wanted to tackle it.

She had resisted talking about this, even with Kate and Jordan who had seen her at her worst. With a final sigh she decided that she had to do something and talking was at least something. She dialed as she walked to the couch, settling herself comfortably on it.

Jordan was walking. She had been walking for 20 minutes now and had at least another 10 minute walk before she reached Kate's. Well at least it's not cold. She paused. Or hot, she thought drive from her downtown office to what was now her new residence should have only taken ten minutes, but with traffic in San Francisco, she was better off walking. Kate had suggested she walk after being victim to the aftermath of one too many road rage episodes from Kate. She had to admit, it was a lot more relaxing. And healthy, Kate would say. The buzzing of her cell phone felt ticklish and she suppressed a giggle as she reached into her pants to extract the phone. She recognized the number immediately and smiled as she flipped the phone open.

"Hey dudette, how goes it?"

"Hey"

After a long pause, Jordan picked up the thread of conversation again.

"Everything okay?" she said concerned at the silence. A muffled sob sent her into overdrive.

Shit, she thought. Not again. What the hell did Olivia do this time? Although Jordan was happy that Olivia and Casey were trying to work things out, she still felt some lingering resentment toward Olivia over the whole Alex thing. She wished she was home already and not ten minutes away.

"Casey, honey, tell me what's wrong." She kept walking for lack of a better option. The outright sobbing had subsided, but it had been replaced by an eerie silence.

"You know I hate it when you go quiet, please talk to me Casey."

"I'm sorry."

Jordan relaxed somewhat.

"Don't be sorry, just tell me what's going on? Did something happen?" she said praying Olivia hadn't done anything idiotic.

"No, nothing happened, nothing specific anyway. I just need to talk, I think."

"Okay, what do you need to talk about?"

By the time she reached home, Casey was on her second crying jag and Jordan was exhausted. She headed straight for the backyard and settled down on one of the patio chairs. This really wasn't her thing. Kate was supposed to be the sensitive one, but Kate wouldn't be home for another two hours.

"Casey, listen honey. You can't punish Olivia forever and you can't continue to punish yourself either." Casey must have been exhausted, because she just sighed into the phone. Jordan continued.

"You either want to be with her or you don't Case. I know it sucks and I understand not wanting to expose yourself again, but it really isn't going to work if you hold back." She paused not really wanting to have this conversation, but knowing that Casey needed to hear this.

"Casey, you have to open your heart again if you want things to work with Olivia. And you have to do it knowing there are no guarantees that she won't stomp on it again."

"I'm not sure I could survive that."

"Then you need to let her go Case. If you're not willing to let her back in, the both of you need to move on."

She thought she could hear a muted whimper from Casey. She continued, "But Casey…for what it's worth…" she closed her eyes, "I think she loves you, very much. And as much as I hate that she hurt you, in the end she did choose you. She chose you, knowing you might not take her back. Christ, do you know how amazing it is that you got through this at all? Most people would not have made it to the other side as friends, let alone try to become lovers again. Take the chance Casey."

"Thanks Jordan."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to wash my face and then I'm going to sleep. I can't really make any decisions now, but you've given me a lot to think about. Thanks for listening. I'm still scared, but you're right, we can't go on like this. Olivia's content to let me set the pace, but I think I've had a foot on the brake. I just…I just don't want to get hurt. I can't go through that again." She let out an exasperated breath, but Jordan thought she sounded a little better.

"Whatever you decide, we'll be here for you Casey."

"Thanks Jordan. You're a great friend, you and Kate. I'll talk to you soon."

Casey hung up the phone. She felt better and that surprised her. She felt better despite Jordan's blunt advice that she shit or get off the pot. She wondered briefly if Olivia would make it to her place at all tonight. She had promised Casey to stop by and finish the rest of the Chinese food if it wasn't too late, if it wasn't too late. That was really the question, wasn't it? Was it too late for them?

She rubbed her face with her hands, hoping to rub her mind blank as well. She knew it wouldn't work. It never worked when it came to Olivia. She spared a glance at the clock. She had spent almost an hour on the phone with Jordan. In a few more hours it would officially be too late for Olivia to come over.

It didn't used to be this difficult and for a brief moment memories of countless other nights played in fast forward in her head. On those nights, she had not had to wonder if Olivia would be coming over. It had been understood that no matter what time she got done, she would come over, even if it was just to crawl into bed next to Casey for a few hours. Now everything was much more complicated. There were no overnights and so if it got too late, Olivia would not be coming over.

And even though Casey knew that she had the power to change that, it still made her feel sad that things weren't different between them. She lay down on the couch and tried to sort it all out. She closed her eyes and decided to give her mind free reign to just think about what she was feeling, about her rationalizations and whether they were really rational, about her fears, about how much she still hurt.

She felt tears like a sting in her eyes as a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions rushed in all at once. Things she had been keeping at bay, or locked away in different places out of fear came out in an almost overwhelming wave. She draped one long arm over her eyes and placed a hand to her heart as if she could shield herself from some of the torment. She worked to regulate her breathing and sort things out.

She loved Olivia, of that she was certain. None of this would matter if she didn't. She loved Olivia with a passion and intensity that she had never felt for anyone else in her young life. If she believed in silly things like soul mates, she knew Olivia would be hers. But she didn't. She didn't believe that there were two people destined to be together, that could be everything to each other and whose love was so great that nothing could tear it asunder.

She didn't doubt that one could feel that kind of love, but the reality was that there were no guarantees in life. And hence no guarantees that a love like that would be returned in kind. There was no guarantee that the person you were destined to love, was destined to love you in the same way. And that she decided was at the core of her problems. She loved Olivia in that way, but she was unsure if Olivia would ever love her in the same way.

Fuck! She cursed herself knowing that this was not a revelation. She had known this all along. Hadn't she told Jordan this same thing a few months ago? That she knew that Alex was that person for Olivia and that it had only been after convincing herself that Alex was dead that had she had given her feelings for Olivia full reign? And then her worst nightmare had come true. Alex had returned and Olivia as if fulfilling some role had indeed left her for Alex. She paused. Actually Olivia had not technically left her. Casey, not wanting to give Olivia the chance, had done the leaving. Still, Olivia had not fought for her.

Casey could not have foreseen that things would not work out between Olivia and Alex and that Olivia would return to her begging for forgiveness and anything else Casey was willing to give. And so she was stuck not knowing what she was supposed to do now. Could she be sure of Olivia who had been nothing if not patient and understanding in the last two months? Olivia had not pushed Casey to move the relationship forward even though her eyes gave away a longing for just that.

Could she accept Olivia's explanation that she had to try with Alex because she couldn't not try; that it was the final and necessary chapter to the whole Alex saga and that it would have damaged her relationship with Casey had there been even a hint of regret from Olivia? Casey wasn't sure she wanted to accept that explanation. She believed Olivia when she told her that she never meant for Casey to get hurt and that she would take away the hurt if she could. She even believed that Olivia loved her. What she was struggling with was believing that Olivia loved her like she loved Olivia.

Kate's brother would tell her that she did. She remembered one lunch conversation with him shortly after Olivia had been rushed to the Emergency Room as a result of the blow to the head.

"Of course she loves you. She left the woman she thought of as the love of her life for you. You don't do that lightly, Casey. It means something has changed fundamentally for her where you're concerned. Don't you see that?"

"I'm not sure," she had said pensively. It had become her favorite expression back then, which she thought suited her as she really hadn't been sure of anything.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I can only imagine what you went through when Alex came back and I actually witnessed some of the fallout from that. Whatever you decide Casey, just make sure it's the decision that feels right in here," he said pointing at her heart. "Olivia knows that it was possible that you wouldn't take her back. When she and I talked, she seemed pretty sure of what she wanted, but she also knew that it wasn't just up to her. She took the chance anyway and that's pretty big."

Casey came back to the present reluctantly, but something about that remembered conversation lingered. Josh and Liv had talked? When? As far as she knew, they had never really been friends. In fact, it had come as a surprise to her when Josh had told her that he wanted them to get back together. He had disliked Olivia before he even met her, knowing only that she had hurt his sister's friend. What changed? She hadn't even registered the comment before, too immersed in her insecurities and confusion over Olivia.

She reached for the phone lying on the coffee table. She needed to know more about this conversation. She dialed rapidly surprised that she even remembered the number. They had not spent a lot of time together since his fiancé had arrived in the city. Between crazy doctor hours and his fiancé she understood why he had not been around much. She understood, but it saddened her a little. He had been a good friend when she had desperately needed someone who was on her side. He answered in one ring sounding out of breath.

"Hel…hello?" he said.

"Josh its Case, how are you?"

"Hey Casey, I'm cool, just finished a run. Man I haven't heard from you in a while. What's up? How are you and Olivia doing?"

She paused trying to figure out how much she wanted to tell him. Deciding she needed to give if she wanted to receive, she told him the bare basics of where their relationship stood; how she was putting on the brakes and was struggling with the notion of moving forward. He listened patiently.

"I'm sorry Casey. Hang in there though. I believe in you guys."

"Thanks." A pause and then, "Josh, can you tell me about your conversation with Olivia?"

"What conversation?"

"Do you remember a couple of months ago when we had lunch and I was trying to figure out whether we could ever really get back together?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"You said she seemed sure of what she wanted when you talked to her. I um…when did you talk to her?"

"Aw Casey, I don't know if I remember," he said sounding exasperated.

"Please Josh. I'm trying to figure some things out and I just need to know."

"Okay, I'll try to remember."

"Thank you."

"Let's see…It happened when she came back to the hospital to get her stitches removed. I can't relate it word for word, but I'll give it a try. I don't remember why we started talking, but I know she seemed very sad. She told me that she had made a mistake and that it was a mistake she could never make up for or take back. She was beating herself – something about choosing the fantasy over the reality. You know when she broke it off with Alex, Alex offered to publicly come out?"

"No, she never said," Casey said surprised at this revelation.

"Yeah, apparently Alex pulled out all the stops. Come to think of it, that conversation with Olivia was kind of weird. She must have been feeling pretty chatty that day."

"Did Olivia not believe her?" Casey said.

"I don't think Olivia cared, at least that's how it seemed to me. She knew who she wanted at that point and it was you. She sounded really worried that she could lose you. She said she didn't deserve you and a bunch of other defeatist crap."

"What did you say?" Casey was calmer than she thought she should be.

"I said fuck that. If she knew what she wanted she had to go for it. She told me that Elliot said the same thing. It's amazing isn't it? Even after Alex gave her everything she thought she wanted, she knew it ultimately wasn't Alex she wanted. It was you."

Casey felt a tightness in her heart and her stomach seemed to drop to her toes.

"Thank you Josh," she said as she hung up not even waiting to hear his acknowledgement or goodbye.

Could it be that simple? Could she have been looking at this all wrong? She had been so busy trying to protect herself that she had not seen the proverbial forest for the trees. This whole time she had been focusing on Olivia's initial choice, but that choice had not in all truth been an honest one. In fact, Casey had helped her make that choice with the preemptive break-up. The choice had not been true, bogged as it was by Olivia's confusion. The thing with Alex must have seemed like a strong force to Olivia. Puppy love made superficially stronger by the fact that it had been unrequited and by a miraculous and metaphoric return from the dead.

When reality had reared its ugly head and the fog cleared, Olivia had made a real choice. Casey had been focusing on that initial choice, but if Josh and Jordan were right, it was the second choice that mattered, not the first; the choice Olivia had made free of guilt and confusion. She picked up the phone again and dialed another number, one she was not surprised she knew by heart.

Olivia's phone was ringing. She recognized the number in an instant. They were finishing up at the crime scene. Elliot was giving some last minute instructions to the forensics team as she flipped open her phone.

"Benson," she said out of habit. "Everything okay?" she continued already knowing who was on the other line.

"Hi Liv, everything's fine." There was a pause on the other end.

"Are you sure?" said Olivia into the phone already trying to figure out how to tell Elliot she had to leave if Casey needed her to.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I just wanted to…let you know that I brought the Chinese food home, so you should stop by when you get a chance."

Olivia was confused.

"Okay thanks, but if it gets too late, I don't really want to wake you and Elliot and I are just finishing up at the scene. We have to follow up on a couple of leads tonight before I head out and I'm not sure how long that will be."

"Whatever the time, just stop by." Casey was pacing now. This was harder than she thought it would be, but she was determined. "If it gets too late, you can just…um…spend the night." She waited, not really sure of what response she would get.

Olivia's heart made itself felt loud and clear. Had she heard right? Who knew over the thump, thump, thump her heart was making.

"Really?" she asked not really wanting to ask at all; wanting to assume that it was true and that Casey was finally opening that door for her.

"Yes, really," said Casey.

Olivia closed her eyes trying to hold in the tears she knew were threatening to fall.

"God Casey," was all she could manage to say in response.

"So…does that mean you'll come," said Casey sounding a bit unsure.

"Yes! A thousand times, yes."

Olivia smiled into the phone. "I love you so much Casey." Her voice sounded rough to her own ears. She heard Casey's whispered "I love you too," before Elliot's booming voice called her name. "I'm sorry Casey, I gotta go, but I'll definitely be there tonight. Nothing short of the end of the world could stop me."

"Okay, bye."

It was the sweetest moment of her life and she was standing in the middle of a bloody crime scene. Ah life's bitter ironies. She started walking toward Elliot who was already waiting by the car. She unconsciously felt for the small package in her leather jacket. It had been there or somewhere close to her person for two months. She thought about its contents and the woman sitting in her apartment across town for which it was intended. Definitely getting closer, she thought, definitely.