The words, "it showed," repeated over and over in her mind.
It showed it showed it showed it showed.
The painful memory of Cosima's insult burned its way through Delphine's system. She wanted nothing more than to take the weapon as her own and aim it at Sarah. But it would've only been a lie. Because it didn't show, that Sarah had never been with a woman before Delphine. It really didn't show.
Sarah had ripped her open and picked her apart, having exposed some latent center of pain and pleasure that not even Cosima had been able to access. Delphine was angry at Sarah for having that power, angry at Cosima for not. And so she lay right there, Sarah's legs wrapped in hers, letting the sobs wave over her, letting Cosima's ghost pass through her.
It was Sarah who made a move to untangle herself, trying to carve out some piece of the bed in a desperate search for some peace of mind. She'd never been very good at dealing with emotions - hers or anybody else's. Despite the pangs that hit her chest from hearing Delphine's cries, Sarah didn't reach out to hold Delphine while she wept. She didn't squeeze her arm just a little tighter around her waist. The preluding sex was personal, carnal. But this - this was intimacy. This was something Sarah hadn't signed up for.
She threw off the sheets and swung her legs over the bed.
"I'm not her, Delphine, okay?"
The blonde reached her hand up and laid it on the smooth skin of Sarah's back. Sarah trembled at the touch, a shiver snaking its way through her exposed flesh, blood pulsing between her legs.
"Oui c'est vrai." Delphine sat up and leaned her head against Sarah's back. Sarah's flesh rose at the sensation. "She did something I would never expect from you," Delphine said.
"And what's that?"
"She forgave."
"Well, you had her wrapped around your little finger, yeah?" Sarah said. "And still…"
Delphine's muscles tensed, preparing for the blow. When it didn't come, she pressed her body harder against Sarah. "Say it," Delphine demanded.
"And still…" Sarah turned around. She ran her fingers through Delphine's gorgeous hair and brushed the wet strands out of her eyes. "And still, you couldn't save her, could you?"
Delphine's tongue caught in her throat. When she swallowed, it still tasted like Sarah.
"And neither could you," Delphine said.
"But I'm not the immunologist."
"And I'm not the one who killed Helena," Delphine whispered.
"Fuck you," Sarah said without hesitation. She slipped a large tank top on and went to Felix's kitchen to put on the kettle.
"You know what it's like to lose a part of yourself, too," Delphine said, following Sarah's lead.
"She was my twin. You just fell in love with your science experiment. And then she terminated."
"You consider yourself a science experiment then, as well?"
"I don't know, doctor. Do you?"
Delphine rummaged through her bag to find a cigarette. "If you hadn't killed Helena, we would've had a better chance," she said. "Of understanding how she was the way she was. And why Cosima…"
"There you go, siding with the Neo-nutheads again."
Delphine lit her cigarette, took a drag and exhaled. "The only person I ever truly sided with is gone."
Sarah stepped into Delphine, the smoke reddening her eyes. "And the only mistake I made was not being better at protecting Cosima from you. When she'd call and gush over her filthy monitor. Studying host/parasite relationships, yeah? That's rich."
Delphine leaned back. "What did she tell you?"
"Hmm." Sarah thought, smiling. "She said you're awful in bed."
Sarah failed to subdue her laugh. Delphine slapped her, the cigarette coming close to burning Sarah's skin.
It showed it showed it showed.
"She didn't say that."
"…which you are," Sarah continued, rubbing her cheek. "Though I'll throw you a bone because you must have some performance anxiety. You know, with a ghost watching on and everything."
"Oh, do you think she's watching?" Delphine said coyly.
"I do," Sarah said, grabbing the lighter and playing with the flame.
"Do you think she's mad?"
"I do."
"Do you think she would hear me if I said, 'I'm sorry, ma chérie. I would give all the world to bring you back and have you never leave me again'?"
Sarah stopped fidgeting and looked up at Delphine. She didn't answer.
"Do you think she would forgive us for not being able to save her?" Delphine asked.
"I do," Sarah said, her throat now dry.
"That's where we differ." Delphine breathed out and took her lighter back. "I don't think she ever blamed blame us. She was too kind for that."
Though she'd never admit it, it wasn't difficult for Sarah to understand what Cosima saw in Delphine. Not that Sarah was one to concern herself too much with strength of character, but there was something fascinating about the doctor, how she tried desperately to remain objective in light of emotion. And how she failed. With Cosima. And now.
Sarah lifted the cigarette from the Delphine's mouth and grazed her thumb along the blonde's lips. "Do you think she'd hate it if she saw me doing this?"
"I think she'd want me to be happy."
"And are you?" Sarah asked. "Happy."
"This is the furthest from happy I've ever been," Delphine said, tears filling her eyes.
With Delphine so close, Sarah gave up the ghost and, like she'd always done, improvised with what was directly in front of her. Without breaking eye contact, Sarah put out the cigarette on Felix's table, now leaving both her hands free to do what they wanted to Delphine.
"How did she kiss you?" Sarah asked. "Like this?"
She pressed her lips onto Delphine's. Delphine took a sharp breath. She looked away, remaining present in the kiss and trying to detach herself at the same time.
"Like this?" Sarah asked again, running her tongue along Delphine's lips. The blonde closed her eyes and whimpered.
"Like this?" Sarah asked a third time, opening her mouth wider and offering it to Delphine, who sank into Sarah's warmth.
Like this. Like this. Yes, yes. It was like that. Just like that. No. Arrête.
Delphine let out a cry in Sarah's mouth. Her lips slid from the brunette's skin. Her legs gave way. She leaned forward and collapsed into Sarah, who managed to catch her head in her lap as they both stumbled to the ground.
And this time, Sarah held the weeping woman, enclosing the shaking body inside her own, shielding her, not from any external threat, but rather from something inside clawing to get out. Like she had held Kira the night of the accident. Like Felix had held Sarah the first time Vic beat her. Like Delphine had held Cosima on those long nights when the sickness took over.
Like Sarah could only bear to hold someone whose sobs had shaken the bed that they so strangely shared.
Through the giant windows, the city sun cast its light down onto their odd formation, as a microscope would illuminate its subject of observation. A broken, organic sample, ready to be examined and mended.
And of those who watched on - be it Leekie, Cosima, or any higher power who cared to lower his eyes and glimpse into the sharp fragment of their world - no one dared disturb this moment.
Until time found its bearings and resumed. The kettle screamed and metal clanged against metal, the screwdriver dancing in its place. Felix was home.