Confessions

My next few days at the hospital drag on and on, endless inane questions from Vita and endless hours left alone to ponder my own thoughts and try to sort through everything that's happened to me in these couple of years.

I don't know if I'm the same person I was back then, in fact I doubt it.

As much as I don't want to admit it I think the pills did have an effect on me, I've not had one in over a week and I feel clear and awake. I feel like I can do anything and no-one is going to do another thing to me.

Yet I know that not the case, they still own me, they can still do whatever they want, that's why I'm still stuck here in this hospital and why? So they can be seen to care, so they can force me to name a name and give them someone to punish for harming their golden girl.

If that's the case, if I give them a name will they let me free?

Lie

The idea comes as a flash. Pick one of them, man or woman, any of them and lay the blame right there. But who? My mind was better when it was blank from the pills when I could just take everything they gave me, now I just don't know what I'm going to do. Being awake means I have to think, have to use my brain again and it's been a while.

I realise I'm pacing around my room and that I probably look like I'm plotting something, which although true is not the image I want to give. So I perch on my bed and stare up to the small tv screen on the wall.

I'd discovered on my second day in hospital that it wasn't exactly a secret where I was being held. A small panel on the side of my wall slid neatly away revealing the small set with a remote by its side. I don't think they were trying too hard to hide it from me as it turned on with ease and could access all of the Capitol channels. Of course the one that caught my eye was focused on me.

A tall woman in a long blue dress stands in front of a white capitol building with large glass doors that are flanked by six peacekeepers keeping a calm eye on the crowd. In a district their presence would seem threatening to the crowds but here seems to bother no-one.

"Though her doctors are keeping quiet on the cause of Diamonds collapse, they are repeating that she is making a full recovery" she tells the camera.

"Have there been any hints of what caused her collapse at Mason's party?" asks a male voice off screen. I recognise it but from where?

"Not so far" the woman continues "of course we have all heard the rumours, that her drink was spiked, that she may be pregnant even. But nothing concrete yet."

"Thank you Nyx" says the male voice again, who is it!

The camera cuts back to the studio where Castor sits smiling down the camera the gem in his nose sparkling artificially, he always called it his little Diamond while I am his big one. He never mentioned he worked as a news presenter; he and his brother seemed to be the types of boys who didn't need a job.

He grins that infectious smile and I feel my stomach flutter, he and his brother were the first true friends I had in the capitol, they saved me from myself gave me the support and pills I needed to survive to make it through all the shit the capitol put me through.

Castor and Polux loved me they chose me and I chose them. No matter what these people say or threaten I will never betray them.

But back to my plan, I need to find a victim, and quickly, now it's not only myself I'm thinking about. I now need to save the twins from the wrath of the capitol.

I run through the men and the women who I see so often and know so well, Wellington Masters is the first name on my list but my revenge for him for stealing my innocence will need to be a little more well thought out. And painful. Then there was what's his name and thingymagigy along with a hundred and one others who I can't remember.

After a few more days of deliberating and forcing myself to remember I finally settle on a name; Lucretius Trinket is a business man somewhere in the capitol doing something. He's one of those few uninteresting types; I've been meeting him since early in my career. Not too often for me to have grown attached to him but often enough for him to have given me a steady supply of those little pills. As far as I know he has no family he's attached to or anyone to miss him in general.

I won't name him straight away of course I have to let it be believable; let them think they forced it out of me through regret or desperation. Of course I want to get out here and get home, but I have to think of it as another games, a long slog with a celebratory ending.

A few nights later I dream I am back in the swamp of my games; of my nightmares. For once however I'm not running towards or away from anything. I'm still, I even try to lift a leg but find it firmly planted in the swamp. Usually something would happen in my dream to scare me, taunt me or tell me all the things I already know about myself, but nothing happens.

I find myself running my fingers through the swamp which seems to have thickened to the consistency of mud and find my movements leave marks.

So I draw as well as I can doodle mostly, patterns and shapes, a flower, the capitol seal.

This continues for what feel like hours, days even, I watch sun sets and sun rises and yet I still stand their drawing, creating.

But like all dreams it would have to end and around the time I was beginning to wonder where my finished works of arts go to when a voice seeps into my silent world.

"Diamond, it's another big day" Vida's shrill voice brings me back to the white reality of my hospital room "Today's the day we get to the bottom of this"

My dream begins to fade away as dreams often do in the mornings, but I regain that feeling of stillness and hopelessness and I make a decision.

I'm getting myself out of here today.

Once again I am the centre of attention. On this makeshift platform I can see over the city and the crowds into the mountains in the distance, just over there is district two I think and not far beyond that is home.

I wonder how far I could run before they caught me.

I'm shaking as I look down at the crowds; they have all come here to see me. To watch and gawp as I name one of their own. To name someone who will be condemned to Panem knows what fate.

The Irony of the moment brings a small smile to my face.

I have the power to change a life for the worse today with my lie and the best part about it is I'm not even sorry.

"My Name is Diamond Hart" I read the card that lay on the lectern before me, the crowd cheer and clap; in a moment one of them will be doomed and no-one will volunteer to save them.

"I have been ill. I have been poisoned by someone I trusted" I tell them "I am here today to shame them and to ... and to..." I didn't realise it but I was getting more and more nervous the longer I stand here. I begin to shake as I look down at the crowd, no longer funny they terrify me. All staring up wishing for the downfall of one of their own.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up. Vita smiles that irritating grin as she grips me tightly. "I'm here for you" she whispers and I gulp slowly, and look out at the mountains as I begin to speak again.

"On the first time I visited this citizen he gave me a small pill, I liked it, it relaxed me." I take a deep breath and picture my home "The pills eased my life. But I didn't know how to control myself on them. It got out of control and I found myself here." My voice strengthens as I continue "I feel that by naming the man who sent me down that path today will deter others from making the same choices"

"Lucius Trinket" I say and I'm shocked at how the name slips from my lips easily; there are few reactions from the crowd. They are probably just annoyed it wasn't one of their celebrities or politicians. "You gave me that first pill, you are the reason I and this country are becoming sick"

The man himself stands in the crowd, his mouth open in fear as the peacekeepers descend. "I never" he protests. They drag him away from the woman whose hand he holds as she is screaming his name. The crowd just watch on, not speaking a word. They accept this man's fate as they accept the games every year. Later they will laugh and gossip as he...

Another voice makes me lose my train of thought. It's young, and female and calls out a single word that freezes me.

"Daddy!"

It's all rather un-ceremonious after that, Vita disappears again and I'm bundled onto a train. Three short hours later I'm home, left on the platform as the train pulls away again, taking all the staff and Avoxes with it.

I look around the station, expecting Dad or Jewel to appear but they don't. After a while I head off in the direction of home, through the empty streets and into an empty house.

No-one comes home that evening, nor the next or the one after that. I consider asking one of my neighbours about the whereabouts of my father and Jewel but whether he left by choice or not, he's gone and I don't know which reason scares me more. Would he have left me alone, moved back into the mining shacks or was he locked up simply for knowing me. Both options are more preferable to the third. That he was dead, killed by Snow to get me in line, just like Silk warned me all that time ago.

I don't know when I start to spend more time by the grave of my half brother and my fellow tributes. Someone has swapped the headstone for a fresh one, but that hasn't stopped the carver from starting again at the beginning, with the names of those who died in the first games.

"Where are you daddy" I weep as I press my hand by the cold stone grave "please come back to me"

There is a movement by the gate and I know the moment I've been dreading is here. I look up tears streaming down my eyes. She returns the look with the same cold stare I recognise from my mirror.

"Tears don't suit you daughter" she speaks, the first words my mother has ever spoke to me.

"Do you know where he is?" Is all I can respond, the question I've been avoiding asking for too long now.

To my everlasting relief she nods "they're keeping him in the jail under the justice centre" she tells me "We've all been told not to have any contact with you."

I nod, though I don't understand. I did what I was asked didn't I? Unless it was too late, I'd already embarrassed District One enough. Yes that was it; it wasn't the Capitol holding my father. It was my own people. Did Hale have a say in this, did Silk?

"Jewel?" I ask of my only friend outside the circle of victors who betrayed me.

"She went back to her parents I believe" she says with a shrug "now if you'll excuse me I am here to visit my son"

She strides past me and places one hand on the stone, I realise I'm still touching it and remove my hand. I sit there on the cold ground and watch her as she silently moves her lips speaking to the dead. After a few moments she stops and turns her head towards me "aren't you going to go now girl?" she says. I shake my head.

"Help me save my father; I know you loved him once. He told me so"

"Gray was always full of stories" she says, with a hint of emotion. "Always used to have me hooked on every word. I believed him too."

"What changed?" I ask "why did you fall out of love with him, you could have left your husband and stayed with us"

She laughs coldly "Oh Diamond, you know yourself why. We're practically the same person after all. I'm selfish Diamond. Just as you are my dear."

I frown, but can't find the words to deny her accusations "Do you know how I can get him free?" I ask again.

"I'm not the barer of that news Diamond." She tells me, but you'll know soon enough." With that last comment she stands and strides quickly back towards the gate. Leaving me alone again.

A/N: Okay so I was worried I'd jumped the shark a bit with this one but hopefully I've fixed it and got it back on track. There will be plenty more from Diamond to come.