Two Weeks Later:
I'm laying face down on my bed when the messenger my mother warned me would come finally arrives. The bell rings about ten times before I finally force myself to stand, slump down stairs and pull open the front door. Silk stands there finger poised above the doorbell, her stomach slightly rounded from pregnancy and a hard look on her face. I reluctantly let her in.
"I spoke to my mother" I tell her "she told me you have my Dad"
"Did she tell you why?" she asks, my heart sinks to know that she was involved. I keep my cool though as she sits down on my couch without being invited to. I remain standing, not wanting to get comfortable, if I get comfortable I may get emotional and I can't afford to do that.
"No" I reply "I figured that out on my own. He's ransom, till I either do something to make you all happy. Or I make you mad enough to kill him"
"We wouldn't harm him" she lies "we just wanted to get your attention"
"You have it now speak" I feel no connection to the woman who I've admired and loved these past few years and it hurts.
She sighs "Diamond you've been out of control"
"You made me that way" I snap back in response.
"Don't speak listen!" she orders me loudly and I'm shocked into silence "We hope that your most recent experience in the capitol would calm you down. Realise that you've let this go too far but we had to be sure you wouldn't relapse again."
"I won't" I say pleading with her "Just let him go and I'll be whatever you want me to be."
"Yourself Diamond. We want you to be yourself."
I frown, "What? Myself, but no-one wants me to be that, they want me to be a killing machine or a sex toy. I don't even know who I am anymore."
"We don't always agree with the Capitol Diamond." She tells me her voice lowering "what they do to us victors, how they treat the strongest people the districts have to offer"
"But we endure" I tell her "We keep fighting on." I pause realising "Except I didn't. Did I? I fell for their tricks and I became what they wanted thanks to those pills. I lost my energy, became a puppet for them to control didn't I?"
"Who really gave you them Diamond?" she asks kindly "I know Trinket. He's as clean as they come"
"Just some people" I respond shrugging off the question. My impulses to protect the twins felt strange now as I understood why they gave me the pill. Yet something inside me stops me from telling the truth, I still feel as though I owe them something.
"The first lesson you have to learn Diamond is who to trust with the truth" she tells me as she stands up, she says nothing more as shuts the door leaving me alone again. I fall onto the couch, exhausted. My brain hurts and my body is shaking, maybe I could have a dig through some of my old bags. Surely one would contain just a small pack of pills, maybe that's all I need to think straight again. One little pill.
I try to sit up to swing my legs off the couch but I can't physically move. Maybe I know it's pointless that there won't be any pills for me to find anymore. But hopefully my body is telling me what my brain is struggling to comprehend. That I need to stop for real this time, that I need to clear my head of the dark thoughts that cloud it by myself.
That night I'm met with numerous dark dreams where mutts, friends and lovers pull me and push me between themselves, fighting over my body as they pull and scratch and tear. I feel sure I'm about to be ripped apart when I finally awake to the sound of my door opening. Daria lets herself into my home "I warned you didn't I, my girl" she says, "Those pills were the end of you"
"I know that" I groan as I climb to my feet, still dressed in yesterday's clothes, I hadn't moved since Silk left; "I keep being told that"
"But were you listening?" she asks.
I shrug, not wanting to give her anything solid "I suppose I wasn't, but now maybe I will."
"Who gave you those pills Diamond" she asks.
"For Panem's sake" I cry "why does it matter so much, the Capitol got their scapegoat didn't they? What will you even do to them if you found out?" I ask.
"We have plans" I am told "Will you co-operate?"
"Will I get my father back?"
"Of course"
"Silk, I will tell Silk." I say reluctantly, despite all my mistrust of her she is my mentor and I know she will protect me, Daria not so much "But she must promise not to betray me again."
"She didn't" Daria tells me as I see Silk move into the open doorway.
"Daria leave us" she asks and to my shock Daria leaves, closing the door behind her. Silk steps towards me and looks down at me from atop her heels. Who was in-charge here?
"Okay it was..." I begin but she silences me with her finger.
"You know who to trust with the truth Diamond that is the first lesson" she tells me and I frown.
"Is this some kind of stupid test" I ask, the anger in my voice evident as I step away from her "Because if my father is hurt because of some GAME!" I can't even finish my sentence as the anger inside me grows. It strengthens me though, bringing me back to my pre-games mindset, I need to keep this anger up. Silk still hasn't spoken "I feel angry" I tell her "and it feels good"
"Who are you angry at?" she asks
"Not you" I say surprised at my answer "I'm angry at Castor and Pollux, And Bernard and ... and ... the countless others who used me and left me and ... and ... Silk I'm angry at the President." I say this last part as barely a whisper but Silk hears me. I look at her mouth open, I shouldn't have said those things I'm a District One Victor, and they'll surely kill Dad now. But then Silk does something I didn't expect her to do she simply nods and stands up.
"Lesson two" she calmly tells me "you know who to aim your anger at" she turns to leave but I shout up and she pauses.
"I have questions" I say.
"You can ask me three" she says, twisting her neck back towards me but keeping her body facing away.
"Where is my Father?"
"On his way home."
"How is he?"
"He is fine" she smiles at me "happy even, he knows you're you again now and your final question is?"
"Wait no, that was part of the first wasn't it?" I gasp before realising that itself is a question and Silk was obviously in a tricky mood "No don't answer that." I splutter before gasping for breath. I quickly think of a final question "How many more lessons do I have to learn and what will learning them do for me?"
"Three" she responds with a sly smile. She shuts the door behind her.
Dad! The thought of my father coming home snaps me further into the land of the living and I panic, what will I say to him, what will he say to me. I begin to pace up and down around our house as I do so my mind awakens more and I become slowly aware of my surroundings in a clearer light than I've seen them for weeks.
It's dark and drab, the curtains are closed and remnants of the food I had tried to eat recently scatter the kitchen and the rest of the house. Silk has barely been gone five minutes when the back door opens; I'm stood in the kitchen throwing some mouldy bread in the trash, when Dad steps through the door.
"Diamond, I'm so proud of you" he says as he scoops me up into his hands "But you must promise me never to scare me like that again."
"I will if you do" I say, my voice muffled in his shirt, he smells clean and looks shaved and healthy, I guess my images of a dank prison cell were a little off. "I thought you were dead."
"I'm sorry we had to do that but Silk said you needed something to shock you back to normal and here you are my little" he squishes my waist "rather skinny Diamond"
I laugh as he releases me from his grip, "Now let's get this place looking spick and span" he smiles.
Two days later and a familiar letter arrives through the door, I am ordered onto the six pm train to the Capitol and at eight that evening I am climbing off the silver stairs into a mostly deserted train station, it is Friday night after all. The Capitol will be out partying.
Demica Le May is waiting for me, her now purple hair pulled up into a severe bun and a clip board in her hand. She doesn't look pleased to see me.
Things must be back to normal I think with a moment of sadness. Yet they weren't completely, I'd admitted in much tears exactly what was happening to Dad and though he ranted and raged eventually I think he understood.
"I have to do it or you'll die" I had cried as we'd curled up into a ball on the couch, he'd stroked my hair and cried with me.
"Oh Diamond, I wish It could be me protecting you, not the other way. It's so wrong."
"So soon?" I ask as Demi looks me up and down, I'm not ready for this at all both mentally and physically, I'm skinnier than I was even before the games as I hadn't really been eating since my stay in the hospital. Also my hair is a mess and I haven't showered in a few days. Surely no-one would want to be with me tonight, I'm not the glamorous Victor I once was.
"Unfortunately" Demi tutts as I follow her out a back entrance and into a large car.
As we pull up to the usual building we step out of the car and I'm rushed through a back door into my prep space. As usual, it's as cold and clinical as I'm cleaned, shaved and dressed, at one point Demi sticks a needle into my arm and I wince from the shock.
"Ouch" I gasp, less from the pain than from the worry of what they've just drugged me with.
"It's your birth control top-up. To stop any little accidents, like your mentors" Demi smiles and I realise they must know Silk's secret. I guess her baby was too big to hide now. But there's not much time to worry about my mentor as Demi declares that I'll 'do' and leaves me to make my way between rooms alone. I debate not going. But I think of my Father and remember that I've done it before without killing anyone so I can do it again.
As I step into the room, my silken red robe slips easily from my shoulders and I perch on the bed. As I wonder what monstrosity will visit me tonight, the door slides open. A lone young man stands on the other side of the door, he looks nervous and is dressed rather plainly, nothing like the last time I saw him.
"Pollux..." I gasp "where's your brother?" I didn't usually see one without the other.
Pollux runs his hand through his hair "My brothers got himself into a bit of trouble" he tells me "Something to do with his dealer. I'm afraid I don't have the stuff tonight." His eyes move around the room shiftily, settling for a few seconds at a time on seemingly random vases and mirrors.
"It's no worry" I reply, knowing that we are of course being watched, by what was appearing to be many different parties, "Come join me" I say tapping the space beside me on the large bed.
Pollux seems to relax for a moment and joins me on the bed, I make a move to kiss him as I usually would but he stops me.
"How old are you now?" he asks, I frown this has never been a problem for him or anyone else before.
"Nineteen" I answer, my birthday had slipped by uncelebrated during the previous months self-imposed quarantine.
"Oh" he sighs turning away from me, "it's funny how time flies. I used to see you as this little fire-cracker of a girl, about to go off at any moment and I found it so thrilling. But you seem to have matured so much recently." He looks as though this is disappointing to him and in a moment I get it.
Love.
"What are you trying to say?" I probe him.
"I.. I think I'm in love with you Diamond."
A lot of thoughts go through my head at once; for how long? What of his brother? How did he get into trouble when I'd led none of the blame onto the two of them? But the predominant thought was of Silk and the tests she told me I had to pass, maybe it was too obvious, maybe what I was about to say was the wrong answer. But I was going with my heart.
I let out a loud laugh and jump of the bed "You're Capitol born Pollux" I say "you don't love anyone but yourself, maybe that's why you felt drawn to me, because I'm selfish too. Maybe that's why they all have. Because you're not the only one Pollux, Panem knows you're certainly not the only one who's been with me, you weren't the first and though I can't say how much I hope I'm wrong here you certainly won't be the last."
He's slightly speechless and mutters something about leaving as he stands and heads towards the exit of this little room.
"Wait" I call "I'm not done with you yet, you say I used to be a fire-cracker that I used to be impulsive. But now I'm older, now I'm more mature I can control that impulsion, I can control what I do with my energy and if you bad mouth me in any way to anyone I'll know and the consequences won't be pretty." I'm shocked at my own strength but not as shocked as Pollux looks.
"I want to bang you so hard right now" he tells me, changing his tune quickly.
"It's what you paid for isn't it?" I say "An evening of sex with everyone's favourite Victor."
"I never liked to think of it like that, is that all I've ever been to you, a client?"
"No, at one point when I was lost in your pills I felt like I need you, more so than all the others who have been with me. But my mind is clear now and I see the truth again."
"I see. I'll leave you then. Goodbye Diamond, I hope your other clients have the same decency as me." He leaves the room and the door closes slowly behind him.
"I hope they do too" I reply to the shadow of the man I think I may have loved, more so in those last few minutes than in all the nights we spent together. The man who left me when I asked him to.
My few moments of piece are interrupted as Demica barges into the room "What did you say to him?" she demands, one of the few people who didn't know I assume.
"Nothing" I respond "he just changed his mind; he's in love with another girl you see."
"We may as well get you back home then" she sighs "No point keeping you here anymore."
"We we're watching you" Silk announces on the train ride home as if it were some big secret. She had appeared on the train as I had boarded it, seemingly having come straight from One to meet me.
"I know" I reply as I stride around the compartment to avoid facing her "I hope I performed to your standard".
"Let's just say you passed" she smiles slyly "I trust you now no longer feel dependant on those in the capitol".
"Of course not!" I proclaim, I'm about to deny I ever was, but don't feel like getting into another argument I'll lose right now.
A/N: Hello again, Diamonds back woohoo! I've been working on this chapter for months and I'm finally happy with it so I'm setting it free. Hope you all enjoy it, please review, I like reviews, they make me happy.