Saturday, Still Morning, The loft

Ok so when I said that my life could not get any worse, boy was I wrong.

I was sitting there staring at the television watching my life go down the drain when the phone rang. I wasn't surprised it would probably be Tina telling me how cool it was that I was on TV. I just couldn't face her at the moment. So I told Mr. G to tell who ever it was that I in the shower.

I guess he didn't hear me because he yelled to me "Mia, it's for you."

I was like how does he expect me to talk to anyone when I am in the state that I am in.

"Tell them I can't come to the phone!" I yelled back.

"Mia" said Mr. G, "I really think you should take this call." He sounded really serious so I got up and went to the phone because I thought maybe it was Grandmere and I couldn't expect Mr. G to deal with her.

"What" I yelled into the phone in a less then polite way. I wanted Grandmere to know that I was not in the mood for a chat.

"Mia" said a familiar voice.

It wasn't Grandmere it was Michael...

I didn't know what to do I just sat there in silence. I was not ready to talk to Michael yet. I didn't know how to explain the whole JP thing. I thought I at least had until I got to Japan before I would have to deal with it. What was I supposed to say? This was the love of my life and I had betrayed him in the worst possible way.

"Are you alright?" Said Michael, I didn't understand how he could care if I was alright after everything I had done to him. I still couldn't bring myself to speak so I just sat there on with the phone to my ear willing everything to be alright.

"I got your email" he sounded nervous.

What email??? The one I replied to his or the one I sent last night??? Maybe he didn't know about the JP thing yet. Maybe he was just calling to make up with me... Oh No what will he says when he see's the news and we have made up he will think I am cheating on him. I am the most horrible person in the world. Hitler would have thought I was a bad person.

"Look Mia, about the letter" he sounded really nervous now. I guess I didn't help because I still had said anything. I was still just hyperventilating into the phone. "I should never have sent it."

WHAT!!!!! He didn't mean it??? Expect I didn't just say this in my head. I said it to Michael. I guess my voice had finally come back.

"Mia" he sounded really upset now. "I am really sorry. When I sent that letter I was really upset, I had just got to Japan I was home sick and I was missing you."

"So you didn't mean it," I said trying to hold back to tears. I had hidden my tears from him so far I didn't want him to hear them now.

"Of course I meant it" he said but he didn't sound very sure of himself.

"But I also meant it when I said that we should just be friends. I don't want you to feel obligated to me in anyway. I know that sending that letter might have made you think that you were in some way still obliged to wait for me."

I didn't quite understand what he was saying but I could feel my heart breaking again like it had the last time Michael had called. I couldn't hold the tears back this time, they just started to pour out. The wet season had just begun. But I kept sitting there waiting for something to happen.

"Mia" said Michael, maybe I could just hear myself but it sounded like he was crying. "Mia, I'm not trying to hurt you. I hate myself for sending that letter. I don't want you to feel guilty for anything you might do while I am away. I guess I don't to hurt you with anything I might do while I am here.

It's going to be a while and well you said that you were ok with just being friends so I thought that you were ok and that you understood. I should have called you when you depressed but I didn't know what to say to you."

There was no doubt about it he was crying. Not in a girly way or and insane river way like me. But his voice was all croaky and he was breathing really loudly.

I could not believe what he was saying to me. He was breaking up with me all over again. WHAT DOES HE MEAN??? He said he didn't want to hurt me. Has he met someone else I bet he has met someone else. Oh god I can't do this. After everything that has happened to me I just can't do this.

I started to think about everything that had happened to me. I had been told I was a princess, I had been forced to have princess lessons. My mom dated, married and had the baby of my algebra teacher. My first kiss was the worst kiss I had ever had. I had been forced to perform in a musical I did not want to. I am forced to spend my holidays in Genovia and my best friend hates me for no reason.

But when I thought about everything that had happened that was good I realized. That every time I had done something that I wanted and not just what I was told something good had happened. Like when I sent Michael those love notes or when I brought democracy to Genovia. This was what Doctor Knutz meant, I mean I knew he wanted me to stand up for myself but I finally get it. Every bad thing that has happened to me because I let people tell me what to do and I never stand up for myself.

That's it no more miss nice girl!

"Are you there Mia? Say something please," said Michael.

"What was I supposed to say? " I said with my new found confidence. "You said you just wanted to be friends. Was I supposed to beg you to reconsider. I didn't want to be that girl Michael and mostly I didn't want to upset you. But you don't seem to understand, I love you Michael and I would have waited for you. I would have waited until the end of time just like the Beauty would have waited for the Beast. But now I don't see the point."

I waited for him to reply he didn't, I didn't like the silence so I just kept on talking.

"I just can't take it anymore. Michael I don't know if you have seen the news but today has not been a very good day for me." I said I little angrier then I wanted to be.

There was silence for a moment then Michael said "I saw the news, why do you think that I am calling you in the middle of the night. Yeah I saw the news and it hurt. But it would have hurt more if we had still been together." He sounded kind of angry.

"You broke up with me Michael. Nothing would have happened with JP if you hadn't have broken up with me." I said I was started to get mad as well.

"You broke up with me first" he said. "AND THEN YOU KISSED HIM! So don't try to tell me that nothing would have happened between you two because it did and it will again. He's been in love with you since he first started hanging out with you. I could see it, everyone could see it, and even Lilly could see it even though she didn't want to believe it."

"I would have noticed if he had been in love with me" I screamed. "You're just angry because JP is a nice guy who was there for me when you weren't."

"Everything I did I did for you," said Michael quietly. "I'm sorry Mia." Then he hung up the phone. I can't believe it. Michael and I have never yelled at each other like that. I got angry when I found out about the Judith thing. But this was different. I hadn't really wanted to hurt him with the things that I said. I just hated him.

I hated him for leaving me. I hated him for seeing me kiss JP. I hated him for sleeping with Judith and for not understanding how important it was. I hated him because I couldn't see him and hug him and smell his neck. Because as much as I hated him I still wanted that, I wanted him to be here and hug me and tell me that it would all be alright. I hated that he still loved me and I hated that he was right, we can't do this while he is away. We should just be friends. But now I had ruined even that.

He thinks that I don't understand, but I do. I just wish there was another way. Please can't there be another way. I guess that I can stand up for myself all that I want and sometimes things still won't work out. I still love Michael and I think that Michael still loves me, what if love is not enough?

Oh no the phone is ringing again, maybe it's Michael.