Sleep well my Angel
I was just on the edge of slumber. As the veil of lethargy loomed over me, I felt the calming sense of weightlessness in the dark of my eyelids. It was a slow doze off, and unfortunately each time I'd find myself falling asleep I'd have time enough to think so. When one thinks to their self "This is it I am falling asleep." the opposite always occurs. I opened one eye to survey my room. It would be unsavory for family to visit tonight. They would surely scare Isabelle to no end. It was hard to believe this sweet little girl was capable of assassinating an entire mansion. She was sweet, everyday was met with a smile to her. Isabelle was a nice travel companion; I suppose having her around wouldn't be bad at all. How could I ever leave her behind? What would Amelia do in my absence, and Tanaka who would help the old man?
No, no, I cannot think of that. I must go. Close your eyes sleep. I relaxed again and played the waiting game for Mr Sandman. Just as the cusps of sleep touched me, someone knocked on my door. I didn't answer hoping they would just go away. My door opened.
"Millie, walk with me," I heard old Tanaka call to me.
I groaned and got up. What could the old man possibly want? I walked out of the room.
"Millie, you're leaving," he stated.
"Yes, so don't try and stop me."
"I was not going to."
We were silent, walking through the empty hallways of the manor. It was so quiet it seemed like you could hear the house breathe.
"I've looked over this manor, and our master for quite a long time. I watched both you and Vincent grow up. I always knew the outcome of your affections. You will always be there for him and he will never be there for you. That is how things are, unfortunately. I think you deserve happiness. You deserve a home, not a house of in which you live."
I smiled.
"Then you understand why I must go."
"Yes. I also understand why you must stay. With your family so hell-bent on having you back you should be where you're surrounded by people."
"But Vincent, he'll keep using me."
"There are other ways, to show your independence of Vincent. Lord Dexter Reed has taken a liking to you. Let him court you."
"What would Vincent care? He suggested that himself."
"You will see."
I looked up to see the old man smiling.
"Fine."
"I do understand, Camilla. I understand your pain. You are Vincent's friend regardless. He needs you in a way he doesn't know. Bear with his selfishness."
I scoffed and looked at the lavish wall paper and velvet drapes. Yes, I hated the nobles, but I would kill to be one. I would kill to never have felt the pain and worry, I had once known. I suppose in a very round about way Vincent was protecting, not from things that wanted to hurt me, but from the stress of living alone not sure what my future holds. Maybe I should stay. Ah, but Rachel, she'd be glad to see me go. She would be glad indeed and why should I do her any favors. I hope my presence made her bitter and gave her wrinkles.
I smiled to myself. I would stay. However, I wonder how Vincent would react to my leaving. Would he really care? Would he feel any pain; and if he did would it even begin to touch the years of anguish inflicted on me from him? I could always try to make him feel as I did, even if it were just a little taste. A little taste of a life without me, so he'd appreciate me. My smile grew wider; I have a plan.
"Tha-" I looked up to speak to Mr Tanaka but he was gone. I shrugged and went back to my room and lie with Isabelle.
I rose at the crack of dawn. My plan was now in effect. I scrawled a quick letter to Isabelle telling her what I was doing, I wouldn't want her to think I'd left her. I then made a quick note to Vincent stating I was staying. I breezed through the manor like a ghost placing the note in plain sight, but in a place he'd never look. Once back in my room I changed in to a presentable dress and petticoat. My dress was of a soft blue, like blue bells, my petticoat a darker blue. I combed my loose ringlets and pulled them in to a side ponytail, lying on my shoulders.
I deserved a break from the tiresome quarry of humans. They were so trivial and selfish. I left the manor just as it was, silent, sleeping, succulent. All of those delicious little morsels lie fast asleep in quick heedless slumber. I am glad I'm not human, saves me the trouble of readying a carriage.
In town the shops were just opening under the rising Sun. Few were on the streets and the song of the lark sung strong and true. It had been a while since I'd been to town. It was a love-hate sort of thing. Right now all I could feel was love. The sweet smells of pastries filled my nose; the bakery must be getting started on their merchandise for today. Moments like these made me grateful for my humanity granted by my father. I could taste, enjoy foods unimaginable! Of course in England there were only so many tastes worth tasting. Father had taken me to France when I was but a girl and the food there was...wow! Isabelle sometimes makes pasta and it is...amazing! Then Amelia, born and raised in London, cooks and it's more like...yeesh. English food is not my cup of tea; however, I do love English men.
Without much thought I walked into the little bakery, I hoped for the Lady of the bakery to be attending the place today. She was so pleasant, she reminded me of Beatrice. Beatrice took care of me up until the day she died, but she lived a good life. My father treated his servants like family and Beatrice was by far treated the best, for she, by all intents and purposes, was my mother. She made me sensible, and witty, in many ways I'm just a mirror of her, that pleasant yet conniving old woman. I surveyed the cakes smiling at this realization. Beatrice was something else entirely, like an angel granted to me for a few years.
"Hello, Camilla!" The woman spoke cheerfully.
Ah, how fortunate the Lady is in.
"Salutations, Mary." I smiled.
"It's been a while since you've come. Lord Phantomhive must be keeping you busy out there."
"Yes, entirely too busy. I'm taking the day off."
"Good for you. Will it be the usual?"
"You still remember my usual, it's been years."
"Of course I do, whipped chocolate cake with what ever tea is in season." She laughed.
"I'm impressed." I said.
"There'll be a bit of a wait I still have to ice the cake," she warned.
"It's fine, I'll stay and keep you company. Most of London is still asleep any way."
"I'd like nothin' better," she spoke as she turned her back to me and set the kettle,"how's the Lord treating you?" She then began working on the cake.
"Same as always, like a slave ghost he can only see when he gives orders. I was supposed to be leaving him today..."
"But?"
"Well you always find a reason to stay," I laughed.
"Yes, well lass you are a good person. The Lord Jesus Christ will think up something for you."
"Some how I think even Christ is blind to me," I smiled at my own inside joke.
"Oh I get it!" She wailed
"Get what?" I said startled.
"You're taking a day off to set the illusion you've left," she laughed.
"You're a quick one." I laughed relieved that she had figured that, not my inside joke, out.
"Quick as a pistol."
"Yes, it seems I can't leave no matter how masochistic the situation becomes." I murmured. I regretted the words as soon as they fell from my lips.
"Now that Phantomhive isn't hurting you, is he?" She said sounding like a mother ready to throttle someone.
"Not physically, no he wouldn't do that."
"Aye, but your feelings..."
"He doesn't mean to, he's busy. I've never been one to take up time being needy, I see how he can forget about me."
"Still making excuses for him. His found a good doormat."
I sighed, knowing she's right, wishing she wasn't. I looked about the warm shop, with its cerulean Sun bleached wallpaper.
"I have a plan," I told her indignantly.
"I'm sure you do. Just be careful young one."
"As always."
"This world was not designed for the weak."
"Yes ma'am."
"Alright, I don't want to see you hurt."
"You've seen it before," I mumbled thinking.
My husband had loved this little bakery, we didn't live far from it. In the beginning he'd send me out to fetch him a nice treat and after the still birth he'd send me out for the same purpose. Not because of a random craving but because after beating me he always had a sweet tooth. I'd struggle down to this little bakery, rain, snow, or sleet and get his favorite, blueberry walnut muffins.
"Yes I've seen it, and I never want to see it again." She said in a grave voice.
We were silent then as I pondered the pain of those days compared to the pain of this. I had been through considerably worse. The kettle whistled, breaking our silence. Mary fixed my tea and gave it to me.
"Flower teas are really big this season, though I know you prefer fruit teas. This is a nice orange blossom tea."
I hummed in approval and sipped the tea. It was pleasant, the taste of citrus lingered in my mouth after the drink was swallowed. I said nothing while I drank.
"Camilla, don't let yourself get trapped. You above anyone else, deserve happiness."
"Yeah well tell God that, seems like he's giving the amateurs all the breaks." I said, thinking of the pampered princess in the manor.
"You mean Rachel. Yes, she seems marginally happy, so why do her any favours by leaving. If just the sight of you gives her a sour taste then use that to your advantage. Kill her with your grace and kindness. As for Vincent find someone else to care for, someone who will appreciate you."
I smiled,"My plan exactly."
She sliced a piece of cake and gave it to me on a nice porcelain plate. A beautiful lotus had been painted on it.
"Thank you."
I ate my favorite sweet with much delight. The last time I had been here was when Vince took me here to ask me to nurse Ciel.
"You should visit your father's grave."
I stopped chewing,"Why would I do that?" I asked my mouth full.
"For guidance. You could use a lot of it."
"Fine," I always took Mary's advice, only because it was always good. She had never led me astray.
By the time I was done in the bakery it was around 7. More people filled the streets and people began entering the little bakery. So I paid and left, headed for the cemetery my father was burried in.
The spring was quite amiable. The sweet air, neither too hot or too cold, was well welcomed. The cemetery was a bit of a walk but it didn't bother me. I liked to walk. It was a nice change from rushing around doing errands. I just strolled on the sidewalk as trotting horses towing carriages rushed past me. No one to smile, or put on an act for, because even though there were people walking on the sidewalk like me, they didn't care if I smiled or looked happy.
I cut in to an alley as a short cut and saw Dex squatting in front of something. I moved silently behind him. He was conversing with a little girl, surely an orphan.
"Do you have a mama?" He asked.
She shook her head, just as I thought an orphan.
"Are you hungry?"
She nodded. Her blonde curls were tangled and matted on her head. She probably hadn't showered since the last rain. Her eyes. Her eyes were the most peculiar shade violet. They were simply enthralling in their beauty. I tore my attention away from the color as Dex began to speak.
"Well here," he gave her an apple. She took it hesitantly and ate quickly as if the food would be taken from her at any moment. Dex was quiet he seemed to be thinking. He picked her up and began walking.
"I'll take you home and get you cleaned up."
I followed him, a bit wary as to what he was doing with the girl. Silently I walked behind him, to his manor which, coincidently was close to the cemetery. I was just making sure the child wouldn't be hurt.
"Anne!" He called.
An older maid walked from a room.
"Yes, sir." She said in a sweet voice.
"Bathe and feed this youngster. There should be some dresses fitting her, of my niece's, somewhere around here." Dex set the little girl on her feet. The maid, Anne, took her hand and led her out of the foyer.
I nodded to myself, everything seemed fine. I left the manor and continued my journey to the cemetery.
My father would sometimes pick up orphans from the alleys, feed them, give them homes, give them hope. Dex's act of kindness restored some of my faith in this wretched world.
The green grass of a graveyard was everything but welcoming. I think it ghastly that the grass dare use our loved ones for sustenance, but that is the circle of life. I trudged past the head stones to the mausoleum. As I arrived at the stone and marble building I read the engraving at the door.
" Numquam homo in bono est , in morte," I read to myself. My hand shook on the handle of the door. My free hand went to my collar bone, touching a silver necklace there. I stared at the lock. Apprehension filled my body and I was rooted in place. Why was I doing this to myself? I took a deep breath. Graveyards always smelled of dirt, dew, and death. I never liked them. When I was a child I'd have nightmares about being burried alive and the smell of the grave would haunt me even after waking. I can do this though, I'm not a little girl, I gave up the bows and pig tails years ago.
I took off the necklace and used the key on the end of it to unlock the rusty deadbolt. It opened with a loud click. The door followed suit, groaning as it revealed just a sliver of what was inside. I took another deep breath and entered. The sun lit the inside of the mausoleum considerably. A statue of my father stood in the middle of the room, his body was in an urn within the walls. He had asked to be cremated so each of his loves could have a piece of him. My hand went to the hollow of my throat touching a jewel there. Behind the jewel was my father's ashes. I knelt at the foot of the statue and gazed at the dead flowers, aged photos, and heirlooms their.
I had given my old porcelain doll, and she sat just at his feet. Tears rolled down my face slowly. Oh I missed father. He'd want me to be happy, but how does one do that?!
"How?!" I yelled in frustration, my voice echoed loudly. I covered my mouth
"Hello?" I heard a voice call and I jumped nearly a foot in the air. I didn't know if I should speak or stay quiet. Perhaps if I am quiet the person will keep going. I was silent, listening. I held my breath and waited. Soft steps retreated and I let out my breath.
"Aye well I'm here, I might as well speak to you. Oh father ever since you left, I've gone from bad to worse. Vincent's care for me is at an all time low. At least that little devil Ciel loves me. Oh he reminds me of me little girl. You know she'd be five now. And you well you'd be fifty...yesterday wasn't it. Oh I missed it. Between cooking and cleaning, caring for Vincent and Ciel, listening to Rachel nag, and calming Isabelle it must have slipped my mind. I'm sorry, well better late than never.
I was supposed to leave today, go away with Isabelle because of course she wouldn't let me leave her at the manor. Though, I don't think I would have left. Thinking about it now, I could never leave her, or Ciel...or Vincent. Their the only family I have, who was I kidding. Father I wish you were here. I'm sure I could leave then. We could visit Paris just like we did when I was a girl. I want to go, I want to go so bad, but every one ...needs...I want to feel happy again...like how I felt when I first married Leo. I was so happy...I guess that's why I'm so sad now, you only really feel sadness when you have been truly happy and vice versa. So if I've already hit rock bottom I guess I can only go up...at least that's what you once told me. I suppose many women would suggest I remarry, rely on a man to bring me happiness. I don't necessarily want a man. I want a friend. Father, you were my best friend, now ...Well look at you hell look at me. I talking to a bloody statue for God's sake! But you're all I've got...I mean, I don't feel like I burden you when I speak to you, I never did. I know what you'd say, 'How about the servants they might pose as a listening ear?' And they are busy, Vincent works then harder than he does me. I want to lighten their burden not add to it. Plus, you seem to have an overwhelming amount of free time just standing there all mustachioed," I laughed briefly at my own joke while wiping my face. I sighed and looked up at the face of the statue,"Ah father, when we imagined my future I thought I'd be so much more. I thought Leo and I would have a little baby, and we'd be off living happily ever after, but we both saw that crumble. I've got the scars as souvenirs. Have I disappointed you father? Surely you expected more of your only daughter, but after you died your sisters seized the business and the home. If only you had a will. I am left with a portion of Leo's fortune...after he had his accident..." I took a deep breath," I'm really here for a bit of guidance, Mary said I should go here for some. I honestly don't see what kind of advice a dead man can give, er no offense father, but seriously are you supposed to give me some great message from beyond the grave. I mean, don't get me wrong that'd be great! It's just highly improbable. I can only rely on my own small reserve of wisdom to pull me through this. That is all to be done. And I'll do just as you said! Or once said... I'm going to keep my head up because no one ever gets anywhere looking down. "
I looked up at the ceiling and started sobbing. No one ever wanted to admit they were alone but that's exactly what I am. There would be no one to pick me up when I fell and dust the dirt off my dress. No one would bandage my knees and kids them to make it better. No one would read me bed time poems while the old music box played a soft tune. No one would brush my hair in the morning while I was still asleep. No one would do it because the person that did died. There was no one that would love me like my father. My father was the only one to keep me smiling. He kept me moving forward. He kept me sane. Now I have to depend upon myself to look at the monster inside of me in the mirror while I brush my hair and tell her she's beautiful, tell her it's not her fault that human foods don't satisfy her, and that when she kills she's making the world better. I have to pick myself up after I've been beaten and mend my wounds. I can't expect anyone to do what my father did for me because he is the only one that could ever do so. It's time I accepted that.
"I can't expect anyone to care for an illegitimate child, the fact that my father did is nothing less than a miracle " I sobbed and wiped my face on my sleeve,"thank you, father, for caring." I stood from my place and strode heavily out of the mausoleum.
One would expect to feel lightened after finding acceptance in the reality, but I felt heavy. Unspeakably crestfallen, laden with grief, as I trudged out of the resting place of my father. I pushed the door closed and locked it again. My shoulders shook as silently wept.
"Ma'am," a voice called.
My head snapped up and I gasped. It was Dex, how had he managed to catch me off guard?
"You look like you need this," he gave me a handkerchief.
I took it sheepishly.
"Thank you," I stopped my tears immediately.
"You knew Mr. Nightshade too?" He asked smiling softy.
"Too? You knew him."
"My father did."
"Mm..."
"How did you know him?"
"He's my father..." I murmured.
"Oh..." He rubbed a hand through my his hair,"I'm sorry."
"Don't be, the dead don't care for you apologies."
I put his handkerchief in his hand and began walking.
"Wait, wait," he said.
I turned quickly and abruptly,"What?"
He stopped, nearly running in to me, "Listen, I heard what you said in there. My apologies, I realize how rude it is to eavesdrop, but I can't help but think you're suffering in that manor."
I smirked on the inside, my plan was to let Dex court me.
"Yeah and..." I sniffed to add to my already damsel in distress appearance.
"A lady with your charm, should be treated with utmost respect."
"That's not the world we live in." I smiled softly.
I watched his face go blank for a split second; I have him in my web.
"You could come to my manor, have tea I'm sure I could prepare a room for you."
I shook my head,"I thought you heard me back there, I'm not leaving the Phantomhives just yet."
"Why?"
"Who the hell will raise little Ciel to be a respectable young man if I don't?" My smile widened. This was the truth, another reason why, after leaving, I would have turned right around and gone back, "Would you perhaps walk with me while I pick up a few things?"
"My carriage is-"
I shook my head laughing a bit,"I said walk."
I began walking towards the nearest candy shop. Dex followed after a moment.
"Ciel loves candy, as do I. We both share the same favorite, chocolate. But I don't consider it a candy. I think it's a vegetable. Because cocoa comes from a plant, right. Of course that just makes me feel better about my excessive intake of the treat."
Dex laughed, "You are one to indulge?"
"I like food," I shrugged,"you won't catch me starving myself for anyone."
"Good, what's the point of living if you are only going to cheat yourself of its charms."
"Exactly. Life is both too short and too long to spend denying yourself food and air."
"Air? How does one deny air."
"Those tight corsets. You've never worn one so you wouldn't understand. Of course you may have, I don't know you all that well yet."
He laughed and I looked up at him with a smile,"I have never worn a corset." He pledged.
"Look at that, we are getting to know one another. Well I have worn them a handful of time, always by request of someone, never on my own accord."
"I can't see why anyone would."
"For beauty of course, the same reason why women paint their faces with waxes and creams."
"Well I like you without the waxes, creams, and corsets."
"Why thank you," I smiled
We walked to the candy shop prattling on about unimportant facts about one another.
We entered the place while talking about food.
"You've never had a chocolate coated cherry?" Dex asked.
"I usually keep my fruits and my chocolates separate," I explained.
"You are not living I tell you! Henry here makes the best chocolate covered cherries, strawberries, bananas, hell any fruit you can think of."
I scrunched my nose in distaste. The idea is repulsive, why would one ever mix healthy things with chocolate.
He scoffed and turned to the shopkeeper," 10 of every chocolate covered fruit and what ever the lady asks for."
"You don't have to do that," I smiled and shook my head.
"Sure I do, now choose."
"You might regret it, I have a bit of a sweet tooth."
"Go ahead."
I bit my lip looking at the display of chocolates and hard candies about the shelves.
I picked up lollies, chocolates, caramels, taffies, tarts, and anything that looked appetizing. Once I had filled both my, and Dex' s arms with candy, I deemed myself done.
"You can still back out of paying for all of this," I said sheepishly.
He scoffed,"I supposed well take all of this in a bag, sir," he stated to the man he called Henry, behind the counter.
Henry smiled and nodded. We put the candy on the counter awkwardly, while he bagged and charged by the pound.
"Ten pounds of candy!" Dex exclaimed.
I felt my face warm,"I suppose I become a child when I enter a candy store," I looked down and swept a hair behind my ear.
Henry laughed a hardy laugh,"Don't you go eating this all in one night dearie," he chortled. I felt the blush spread across my face.
"Thank you, Henry," Dex said and grabbed both bags of candy.
"Dex you don't have to carry all of that, I've two good arms."
"I'm sure, but when has a gentleman ever let a lady carry anything?"
I was silent, and confused. Why wouldn't a gentleman let a lady carry a few things, just to lighten his load. If she is able...Then why would he think to carry the burden his self.
"You look confused. You are not accustomed to being treated like a lady?"
"I...suppose not," I murmured befuddled by the whole situation.
"How long are you to be away from the manor?"
I pulled my father's pocket watch from the secret pocket I had stitched in to my dress. It was a little past noon.
"I'll let them sweat a bit longer."
"Well I do not have any plans, maybe we could partake in this over abundance of candy in the park around the way."
"That sounds fun!" I began walking, then stopped,"um are you okay walking with over ten pounds of candy?"
He rolled his eyes,"Trust me, I'll be fine."
I smiled and held the door open for him.
He frowned at me.
"What? Your hands are full! You can open every other door for me."
He smirked then walked out of the door. I caught up with him quickly.
We went to my favorite park, it was just a few streets away from ,what Father used to call, the city home. My absolute favorite part about it was the pond. It was spring, so there were sure to be little ducklings about with their mothers. Father and I used to feed them sweet breads and feed the squirrels berries and nuts. The wind rustled through the trees like a hushed song, weaving in to the smells of mowed grass, crystal waters. I listened closer and heard the pleasantly harsh sounds of ducks and the smaller sounds of their children.
"Would you like to sit by the pond?" Dex asked.
I smiled widely and nodded. I realized, begrudgingly, that, plans aside, I was having genuine fun.
We arrived to the old bench that father and I used to sit on and feed the ducks, talk about my studies, sing songs, and just sit. Nostalgia washed over me and I couldn't get rid of my smile.
I sat in my Father's spot, mostly because I didn't want Dex to sit there. He put the candy in between us. I stared out at the big pond where ducks floated like, white, orange, and yellow buoys.
"Now you are going to try a chocolate covered cherry."
I scrunched me nose looking at the box of cherries."
"You'll love it," he assured me.
"Mm...okay," I picked a relatively small one, closed my eyes, and popped it in my mouth. My nose was still scrunched while I chewed the fruit. I tilted my head as I tasted it. My eyes widened in delight. These little chocolate covered fruits are amazing.
"These are delectable," I said once I had finished.
"I figured you'd say that," he put the whole box in my lap.
"These are yours, I have ten pounds of candy."
"You seem to enjoy the cherries. I want you to try the other fruits," he said.
I smiled at him genuinely,"thank you."
"No need, while you were oggling the candy...," He pulled a box I identical to the one he had just given to me,"I got my own."
I laughed,"I told you I had a bit of a sweet tooth."
"A bit? What a drastic understatement!"
"Some of it is for Ciel..."
"Not enough to make a difference...hopefully."
I shook my head and stared off at the liquid turquoise. I was wrapped up in thought for a moment, thinking of plans, and old memories, when a terrible honk interrupted my thinking.
I gasped and brought my feet on the bench while simultaneously burrying my face in Dex's arm. Only a frightened squeak left my lips
"What's the matter?" He asked surprised.
"Mmm...geese!" I whined squeezing my eyes shut.
"Really?"
I nodded unable to speak, my heart was too far up in my throat. I could feel my pulse throughout my body, anxiety simmered all the way to my finger tips. My core shook as I could sense the ornery creature moving closer. Oh it's going to bite me!
"Go on! Shoo!" I heard Dex throw something and the waddle of the ghastly creature's retreat.
"Is it gone," I asked not wanting to look in to the little devil's horrid eyes again.
"Quite," his voice sounded amused. I sat up, embarrassed by my actions.
"So, afraid of geese?" He questioned.
I glared at him for a moment, then, remembering the plan, smiled bashfully and nodded.
"Is there a story behind that?"
There actually is, I'm just reluctant to speak them. I looked down at my feet.
"Oh come on," he teased and pulled a bit of my hair.
"Alright, alright, it's stupid though... You'll laugh."
"Try me."
I looked over the pond. My mind went back fourteen years to when I was six.
"Well my father and I were in this very park, in the same place we are now. I sat where you are, and my father in my place. I was feeding the ducks some bread and I saw I flock of what I thought were ducks and I felt bad because they weren't getting any food, so I walked over to the flock and they all just attacked." I shivered involuntarily.
"That's it?"
"It?! I was maliciously attacked by birds! Is that not enough? I've a scar, a nasty one, from the run in."
"Aww, well I apologize." He said earnestly, but his lips, like pink roses, still held a smile.
He found my phobia funny. My brow twitched in irritation but I blew it off, being shrill wouldn't encourage him to court me.
"I like every other animal. Geese are so mean. I was only trying to feed the little demon spawn."
"So, how do you feel about spiders?" He asked with a mischievous smile. I stared into those blue pools of his and shook my head.
"I don't particularly like them but there is no fear there."
"Snakes?"
"Mm mm," I shook my head again.
"So just geese?"
"They're the only animal to actually attack me," I stressed the word animal on accident.
"There's a distinction? What are there plants that scare you too?" He teased.
Damsel in distress was the plan, might as well give him a secret. I looked away from him to the blue sky.
"Well, only Vincent, Mary, and my father know...I suppose if you promise not to tell any one I can tell you my final fear. You must realize just how mortified I would be should this get out to the public." I turned to look at him, for emphasis. My eyes were met with a warm smile. That smile seemed to make me melt a bit and tears formed in my eyes.
"You can trust me." He said in soft voice.
"Well, I was married before...that's no secret. I had a little a girl who died after birth...that's no secret either. After the death my husband blamed me...He was a drinker... but every decision he made still had a distinct cause and effect. I suppose the cause was me and the ef-" my voice broke and I stopped holding in tears," the effect w-was..." My voice wouldn't work so I moved my hair and turned my back to Dex.
"Oh my..." He gasped.
"That's not even half of it...they paint my back... Later on that year...Lord Leo Cornelius Marquez Philip died in a hunting accident and I moved back in with my father."
I turned back to the man I might have just scared off. As I turned I realized he was standing.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have-" he cut me off with a startling hug.
"No one should go through anything like that, and you are not the cause of anything. You should only be the cause of happiness and love. I realize I have only known you for barely two days, but you don't seem like a bad person," he let me go and held my hands in his,"Camilla...I would like to know you, and perhaps if all is well make you my wife someday. Since your father has passed I am asking you for your permission in pursuing you as a life partner and love." He said this in a way that melted my stone heart.
"I would like nothing better."
He hugged me again, enveloping me in his sweet scent. He smelled of pine, maple, and the fresh smell of a pure lake, mixed with something else...something his own.
He sat and spoke more excitedly than before. I found myself lost in his smile, the dimple on his left cheek, the white of his teeth and the clever, sarcastic, reverie of his tongue. The way he mocked other nobles and laughed at his own follies made me laugh and smile at my own accord without thoughts of my plan.
I may have thought Dex to be prey when I first met him but I could never think that of him now. The sun began to set and we were still talking and laughing.
"I should get you home,"Dex sighed.
"I suppose, Vincent has sweated long enough."
"May we take the carriage now?" He asked with a smirk.
I put a finger to my chin,"hmmm..."
"Oh come on!"
"Yes I suppose so."
"Good, you barely put a dent in this candy."
"Well I wanted Ciel to have a nice variety."
He smiled and took my hand.
We arrived at the manor just at twilight. The stars twinkled at the furthest point from the, almost nonexistent, Sun. Dex walked me to the door.
"Thank you very much for staying with me, it was nice to smile for a change."
"Thank you, it was nice to be in the presence of such a charming lady."
Dex kissed my hand and I opened the door to the manor.
I closed the door and leaned against it with a delighted smile. Oh, what was this feeling. I held my enormous bag of candy to my chest and squealed slightly.
I then took off my heels and walked towards Ciel's room.
"Camilla! You're home! I thought ye left us!" The Scottish accent met my ears from down the hall. Amelia ran to me and grabbed me in her arms, smothering me in her breasts.
"I forgot to leave you a note...sorry Melia."
"Oh I'm just glad yer back! The master has been a mess. Rachel went to visit her sister for the day in response."
"Some wife she is," I grumbled.
"I'll go tell him you're here." She said exited, her emerald eyes were all aglow on her cinnamon sprinkled buttermilk face.
"You do that, but first," I dug in the candy bag and got her an apple lollie," for you."
"Aye thank you! M' favorite."
"Go ahead and tell the fool I'm here." I said with a sigh.
"I suppose I better."
She bounded past me, towards the master bedroom. I won't lie and say I'm not content with his being a mess over my leaving. I am just saddened that if I were to leave there is no one to console him. I do not wish him depression. I've had my fill of it and I don't wish the illness upon anyone. I pushed the upsetting thoughts away as I entered Ciel's room.
"Ciel," I sung.
He was sitting by the window and his little face beamed when he saw me.
"Millie! I knew you didn't go away! Father said you did but I knew you'd never leave me!"
"Of course not, I just got candy!" He got off the window seat and hugged me.
"You're the best mum...I mean Millie."
I smiled at the mistake. "How about a few pieces then we put it up."
He nodded quickly.
I sat on the floor with him and poured the bag out between us.
"Whoa, this is a lot of candy!" He exclaimed his big eyes growing even bigger.
"Get what you want," I messied his hair and let him choose. He chose chocolates and the brightest of hard candies.
"Millie this morning Lizzy told me about love."
"Did she now?" I asked.
"Uh huh, and she said it's when a person does everything to make you happy without trying."
I smiled at the definition," I suppose she is correct."
"Well you always do cool and fun stuff with me. Does that mean you love me?"
"I love you more than this whole wide world Phantomhive."
"You used to smile at father but now you don't, when ever you're with him he makes you cry...I don't like it when you cry..."
"Ciel I love your father like I love you, but sometimes love is one-sided, because your father doesn't always love me back."
He nodded thoughtfully,"Well since I don't like to say you cry I'll do something about it!"
"Something like what?"
"I am going to love you so much no one else will even matter!"
I grabbed him in a hug and showered his face with kisses.
"That sounds splendid."
He laughed and turned his face away.
"Millie," he complained.
I relinquished him after one more kiss on the cheek.
I put the pile of candy in to the bag and sensed a presence outside of the door.
"Alright Ciel I'm going to freshen up, I'll be back in a bit."
The little blunette nodded and played with his toy soldiers. My smile lasted all the way until I closed Ciel's room door.
I walked across the hall to my room without acknowledging the eavesdropper. I set the candy on my vanity and dat on my bed and waited.
My room door slowly opened, then stopped. Vincent peeked inside.
"Oh come in you twit." I sighed
He rushed in and hugged me with enough force to make me fall back on the bed.
"I am sorry for the way I've treated you. I get it you're right. You can't go anywhere, you're my true friend."
"Sure."
He burried his face in my neck. Hot tears rolled down the surface of my flesh and I shivered. I could feel his lips just at my jugular, causing my body to warm. He had me pressed to my bed and against his body.
"Get off of me you damned idiot. I left you a note. It was in the place where you and I put letters to each other, when we were little, in my Father's desk. If you weren't so shrouded in stupidity and narcissism you would have found it."
He was silent and got up.
"I owe you way more than an apology." He held my face in his hand and I froze. Please don't do this, please don't do this.
He moved into kiss me and I used every bit of will power in my body to turn my head.
"Haven't you hardened my heart enough?" I asked angrily, "Don't lie to me with your sweet yet dastardly kiss. You don't care about me...if you did, I'd be a Phantomhive not that pampered noble who left when you needed her."
"That's not how our world works." He said rubbing his thumb across my bottom lip.
"You're world doesn't work that way, no, but Dex's does."
"Dex?" His hand tensed on my face. My heart immediately started pounding. His tense angry hand on my face reminded my body of someone else. My hands shook against the mattress.
"He is a potential fiance should courting go nicely."
"This is to get back at me!" He accused. Vincent got in my face, his hands on either side of me. I leaned back instinctively.
"At first it was, but after spending the day with the man...Well he gives me butterflies," I smiled in bliss.
All of a sudden he pushed me to the bed again.
"What do you care?! You're married! Is it not time I was granted a husband. You know someone besides Ciel and the other servants that loves me for me." I yelled.
"You are not a servant," he scoffed.
"You treat me like one."
He was silent and moved away from me. I sat up and let out my breath. Then I noticed Vincent, hands in fists slightly shaking. I swallowed as my mouth became immediately dry.
"V-vince...please go."
"Go?!" He yelled moving quickly in my face and grabbed my shoulders.
"Leo no!" I screamed, then covered my mouth.
He stopped and let me go," I'm not..."
"I'm sorry you scared me," I explained pushing a hair behind my ear.
"I am sorry," he left abruptly.
No more tears today. The act is done and there is no need for them. With that I brushed all the emotions that wear clinging to me off and lifted myself from the black waters of lament that pulled me down with the tide. I went back to Ciel who was waiting eagerly for me. He looked away from his toys and back at me with a vibrant smile. I tried reciprocating the smile but apparently I failed because his smile faltered.
"Father talked to you again," he stated in a soft voice.
"Yeah, but only for a little bit." I went to him and sat on the floor beside the little guy. He rested his head on my arm and sighed.
"Wish he'd be nicer to you."
"Me too. Now Ciel how about we get you ready for bed."
He nodded rubbing his eyes.
I got him dressed in his night clothes, then read some stories by Lord Alfred Tennyson, until we were both nodding off to sleep.