Chapter 3

A/N: Another chapter for you! I'm sorry this one's a little short, but I hope you like it. It's been a busy few days. I am hoping to have another one done for tomorrow. Anyways, hope you enjoy. And thank you for all the reviews so far! You guys make me smile!

[ROSE]

Even though I wasn't sleeping well at night, I hated Lissa's ability to be awake and functional at an ungodly hour of the morning. That, coupled with her chronic cheeriness, was enough to drive a normal person insane. Not to mention someone who was locked up because they used to be a Strigoi.

I couldn't help but notice through the bond—even though I tried hard to ignore it—that Lissa wasn't nearly as happy as she acted. Not only was she missing me, but she was feeling incredibly sad for Dimitri, and now since Christian had left she was missing him, too. But at least she wasn't ill anymore. At least I wasn't draining her spirit and killing her. And I intended to keep it that way.

It was a challenge though, when the girl wouldn't leave me alone. I could scream at Dimitri and get him to leave—that happened easily enough. I wasn't proud of it. But it was easier to keep burying all those feelings rather than allowing them to resurface. Plus, I knew that whatever pain I was causing Dimitri was the lesser of two evils. No matter how hurt Dimitri was, I knew that he'd be able to defend himself. Lissa, on the other hand, was more complicated. Lissa needed me.

Lissa couldn't defend herself in an attack. Hell, she probably couldn't even get out of the way fast enough to survive one. Now that I had been a Strigoi, I truly knew how they thought—how they acted—and how much they would love to finish off the Dragomir bloodline. Not to mention the fact that Lissa still needed me to take the darkness away from her.

I hadn't done it yet. I was too afraid something would go wrong. But I was going to have to do it soon. She'd already been weak, and she had used a ton of spirit to bring me back. Plus, she was going through emotional turmoil, which didn't help matters at all. I wondered at what point the benefit would outweigh the risk.

I was unsurprised when Lissa turned up the morning after my spirit dream with Adrian.

"Morning, Rose," she said brightly, with that proper smile of hers that concealed her fangs. From my bed where I was lying, I groaned audibly, covering my face with my arm. It was such a typical interaction for us that for the briefest second I almost forgot the circumstances.

Unlike with Dimitri—or anyone else—the guards allowed Lissa into my cell with me. I wasn't quite sure why. I sure as hell hadn't been consulted about it, or I'd have told them to keep everyone away. Period. Clearly, no one cared what I thought. I was too exhausted to protest Lissa's entrance today. Besides, I'd tried about a dozen times before to no avail, so why would this time be any different? And I sure as hell wasn't going to attack her to get my point across. And so she stayed, settling herself cross-legged on the floor in front of my bed.

She was fully aware how much she was irritating me. And she took satisfaction in the fact that I could do nothing about it. With a smug smirk, she continued talking.

"So, I was thinking, Rose, that when you come back to the academy—"

"What? I'm not going back to the academy!" There was no way in hell I was going back to St. Vladimir's. Not ever. Lissa ignored me.

"I was thinking, I'd start pushing for you to be my guardian again. Kirova wants you to come back, you know. She believes you're you again."

"I don't even believe I'm me again!" I snapped. "I'm glad you all think you know me so well. What makes you think I want to be your guardian, anyway?" I knew that was mean. Okay, really mean. But how could I protect someone if I was the danger? Surprisingly, her comeback had some venom as well.

"You might not have any other options, seeing as no one else wants you as a guardian anymore." Under normal circumstances, I would have been proud of Lissa for saying something impolite. But right now, that was beside the point.

"Of course they don't want me as a guardian—because they're smart! Lissa, I might still be dangerous."

"Are you saying I'm stupid?" Now she sounded insulted.

"Well I'm not saying you aren't!" I retorted. She huffed and was silent for a moment. When she spoke again, her anger showed through.

"You know what, Rose? You're being ridiculous. Everyone thinks you're fine now. Everyone believes you're not a Strigoi. You walk out in the sun every day, for god's sake! The only reason you're even still locked in here is because of your attitude. You have so many people who care about you. But you want nothing to do with any of us. You're selfish."

"You guys are the selfish ones!" I roared. "You expect me to just return to normal overnight because you 'magically' healed me? Well, let me tell you something, Lissa. You don't know what I've been through! You don't know what it feels like to relive those memories all the time! And you don't fucking know what it's like to have to live with yourself after you tried to murder your closest friends!"

"Rose, we forgive you," Lissa said timidly.

"I don't forgive me!" Silence fell over us. I saw a collection of guardians peering into my cell from outside, alerted by the commotion. "Take a picture, it'll last longer!" I snapped at them. I refocused my attention on Lissa, who still looked more angry than frightened.

"Think of Dimitri," she said, calmly. "Rose, do you realize all that he went through to try to find you?"

"Do you realize how much I put him through?" I countered.

"He would have done it anyway, Rose. He loves you!" I knew it was true. All of it. But we weren't going there.

"Yeah, Lissa. And he would have succeeded at killing me—like he planned to—if you hadn't intervened!"

"Are you saying I should have let you die?"

"Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying." This time I could see the hurt shining in Lissa's eyes. But I wasn't sorry. It was the truth. I desperately wished I was dead.

"You don't mean that," she said quietly. "You wouldn't leave me all alone." The guilt I felt was gut-wrenching. Lissa was so alone that she had to save me, even though I had been trying to murder her. But I wasn't the kind of best friend she needed anymore. She deserved much better. I didn't know what to say. Finally, it was Lissa who spoke.

"He's leaving, you know."

"Who?" I asked. I had a feeling I already knew.

"Dimitri." Yep.

"Where's he going?"

"Home to Russia." What? Dimitri was really going home? Halfway around the world? I tried to hide the shock on my face, but I knew Lissa saw through it.

"Good," I replied. "He'll be with his family." But I knew he'd rather be with me.

"He's only leaving because you won't even talk to him."

"There's nothing left to say."

"Rose, I know you. I know you still love him."

"I can't love him."

"Rose!"

"He's better off without me."

"But why can't you just-?"

"You're not going to change my mind," I interjected. "I have to stay away from him."

"Fine then," sighed Lissa. "I'm going. I will see you later."

"Wait," I said, unable to stop myself. "When is Dimitri leaving?"

"Tomorrow." Tomorrow? He really was going then. His plans were definite.

Lissa left, and I was alone with my thoughts. Dimitri was going to Russia. I should have been happy. He would be so far away that I wouldn't have any chance of harming him. In fact, I probably wouldn't even see him again. Ever. That was even better—even safer. So then why did I feel so sad?

Because, said a voice in my head, you still love him. I told that voice to shut up and quit lying. I didn't love him. I didn't. I was glad he was going. Good riddance.

When I realized that tears were falling down my cheeks, I wondered when they had started.