Author's note: I'm sorry that it has been ages since I've updated this story. I'm determined to work on it this summer and hopefully get it finished. This chapter was a little difficult for me, since I'm just getting back into it. I think I've got some good ideas for the future though. I hope you enjoy it, and once again, I'm sorry for the wait.
[DIMITRI]
I'd been in Moscow for four days. But it felt like an eternity. I'd been hoping that putting some physical distance between myself and my old life would help to ease the pain. In my heart, though, I'd known the truth: that nothing would ever heal the agony of losing my Roza. She was my last thought before I fell asleep, which only happened occasionally after a hefty amount of Russian vodka. She was the subject of my fitful dreams; sometimes as a dhampir and other times as a Strigoi. It was difficult to say which bothered me more. She was the first thought I had upon waking. She lingered in my mind every grueling minute of every agonizing day. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't let her go. We were never meant to be apart.
I'd scarcely left my hotel room since I'd arrived, venturing out only occasionally when I realized I should probably have something to eat. I hadn't contacted my family yet. And I knew I needed to. Something inside of me held me back. I didn't want my mama to see that her only son was a miserable failure. I didn't want to disappoint her and Karolina, or my grandmother. I didn't want to have to speak of what had happened. I wasn't even certain that my mouth could form the words. I didn't want my younger sisters to see their big brother so broken. I knew they looked up to me, and I couldn't bear to disappoint them. Of course, I knew my family would always welcome me with open arms, but I didn't need to be yet another burden for them. Their lives were difficult enough.
I was struggling to cope with not being a guardian anymore. I had protected Moroi for so long that it was second nature to me. I was hardwired to be constantly alert—ready to attack at the drop of a hat. So the stagnation of being utterly alone, with no assignment, left me even more on edge.
I had purchased a gun the same day I had arrived. After having carried one for so long, I didn't like to be without it. I desperately wanted a stake too, but that wouldn't be so easy to come by now that I wasn't a sanctioned guardian anymore. Of course, I hadn't spotted any Strigoi since I'd been in Moscow. I was certain that if I actually went looking, I could find some. They tended to linger in cities. But that wasn't my interest at the moment. I had seen one group of Moroi with their dhampir guardians one day, but they weren't anyone I'd recognized, and they hadn't given me a second glance.
My hotel wasn't five star by any stretch of the imagination. I had to watch my money since I no longer had an income. But it did have a small gym, which was where I did spend a lot of time when I wasn't in my room. Usually, I went in the middle of the night, partially because I was still somewhat used to the vampiric schedule and partially because there was never anyone else around. And that was how I preferred it. I'd work out for hours, attempting to exhaust myself, or at least distract myself. Usually neither happened, although I did receive some strange glances from the hotel staff.
One night, I rested in bed, my head aching, even though I had avoided vodka the day before. I had dozed off a few times during the day, but my sleep had been restless, evident from the way my sheets and blankets were now in a crumpled pile on the floor. I fixed my eyes on the telephone on the night stand, next to which rested my revolver. I stared at both for a very long time, numbness consuming me.
I needed to contact my family. I knew it. The longer I put it off, the worse it would be. Plus, I couldn't afford to stay in this hotel forever. As much as I didn't want to disappoint my mother and sisters, I knew that if there was one thing in the world that might lighten my heart even the tiniest bit, it was seeing my family.
But how could I tell them? What would I say? Hi Mama, I lost my guardian position by abandoning the royal Moroi I was protecting so that I could go off hunting a Strigoi. Oh, by the way, the Strigoi was a former seventeen-year-old dhampir girl that was the love of my life. She's a dhampir again now, but she hates me. Not to mention, the only reason I'm not in jail is because one of her friends has connections with the queen and got me released. None of that painted a very good picture of me. I was certain my family would understand why I had done the things I had done. They would forgive my mistakes. But I didn't know if I would ever forgive myself.
Drawing in a deep breath, I lifted the phone off of the receiver. I pressed it to my ear, listening to the dial tone. I stretched my arm over to the key pad, but I couldn't bring myself to press the numbers. I stayed that way for several long minutes. Frustrated, I slammed the phone back down on the receiver.
"Damn it, Belikov! What's wrong with you?" I chastised myself, pressing my eyes shut. Rose's perfect, dhampir face was the first thing I saw when my eyes were closed, as usual. I growled audibly, wrapping my fists around a pillow and pulling in frustration. The down pillow ripped right in half down the center, feathers scattering all over. I cursed in Russian, tossing it forcefully to the floor. I drew my knees up to my chest and pressed my face into my hands. If I couldn't be with Rose, then I wished I could just forget her. I wished I could erase her from my memory so that I'd never even know that I'd met her. But I knew that now there was nothing on the face of this earth that could make me forget her. Although, I was relatively certain that she had probably already forgotten me.
With a stab of pain that felt like a knife to my heart, I snatched up the phone again and hurriedly dialed the number to my mother's house. My heart raced as I heard the phone start to ring. It took every ounce of my willpower to stay on the line.
On the third ring, I heard someone pick up. I drew in a deep breath.
"Алло?" it sounded like Sonya's voice, I thought. I froze for a moment, unable to speak. "Алло?" the voice repeated.
"Sonya?" I said finally. She paused for a moment, probably out of shock.
"Боже мой! Димка?" she exclaimed.
"Yes, it's me," I answered her in English, twirling the phone cord nervously between my fingers.
"Dimka!" she repeated. "How are you?" She sounded elated. To hear her voice did cheer me up a bit, for a moment.
"I'm in Russia," I replied, avoiding her question.
"What? Really?" she exclaimed.
"Yes. Listen. Is anyone else home right now?" I asked.
"No, they're all out," Sonya replied. Good. That was what I had been hoping. "Why?"
"I want to surprise everyone when I come to visit. Can you please not tell them?" I asked.
"Well… I guess so. But what are you doing in Russia?" asked Sonya.
"I'll explain when I get there," I answered. "I'm in Moscow. I just flew in. So I'll arrive in about four days." I figured that would give me plenty of time.
"Okay," said Sonya slowly, sounding confused. "I won't say anything. I'm so excited to see you. I know everyone else will be too!"
"I'm excited to see all of you, too," I replied, trying to make my voice sound as cheerful as possible. There was a pause.
"Dimitri?"
"Yes?"
"Is everything okay?"
"Sure, everything is fine," I answered.
"Okay," replied Sonya, but she sounded skeptical. "Wow, I still can't believe you're actually coming home."
"Just don't tell, please? I really want it to be a surprise. Promise?"
"I promise. Just get here as soon as you can!"
"Okay, but listen, I have to go right now. I'll see you soon, okay?"
"Okay. Love you, Dimka."
"I love you too. Bye."
"Bye." I hung up the phone, realizing that I was shaking all over. What had I done? I had no choice now. I had to go back to my family. I was terrified. Still, there was something about hearing my sister's voice that had brought a slight amount of comfort to me. I did love and miss my family very much. Perhaps with them was where I belonged now.
I purchased a train ticket for the Trans-Siberian to take me to Omsk. I would depart the next evening. This was it.
I couldn't sleep. Not even for a minute. There were too many things on my mind. My family. And Roza—always Roza. There was one thing that I thought might make me feel better, or at least calm my mind a little. Not vodka, or exercise—this was something different.
I walked through the heavy set of double doors and entered the vast cathedral. It was ornately decorated with rows and rows of pews which were completely empty now. I took a seat near the back and bowed my head. I didn't pray—I rarely ever did. I just sat there for a long time. Being within a church always helped me to feel at peace. After all the death and destruction I'd seen throughout my life, a church always seemed to bring me some comfort. It even brought me a little now, though not much.
Finally, I stood to leave, when I sensed the presence of someone else. I glanced around. An elderly priest—human—was walking up the aisle.
"Hello, my son," he greeted me.
"Hello, Father," I nodded my head. He looked into my eyes, which made me uncomfortable.
"You seem troubled. Is there anything I can help you with?" he asked kindly. I sighed.
"I'm heading to visit my family for the first time in a long while," I answered. He smiled.
"I'm sure they'll be glad to see you."
"Yes, I hope so," I answered.
"Anything else troubling you?" he asked, his blue eyes sparkling knowingly.
"I… um… lost the woman I was in love with," I admitted, knowing that I couldn't go into details.
"You must let go of the pain you're carrying around with you. You must forgive yourself," said the priest. I nodded, drawing in a deep breath. "God has a plan for you, as he does for us all. This girl of yours, she's very special."
"Yes, she is," I agreed, feeling puzzled.
"Perhaps the two of you will reconcile one day," he added.
"Thank you, Father, but I really don't think so."
"The lord works in mysterious ways. You mustn't give up hope. Have faith that things will work out just the way they are meant to." He gave me a caring smile and I felt comforted in that moment. "I'll pray for you."
For some reason, my conversation with that priest lingered with me. I thought about his words as I boarded the train later that evening. But what could he know? He didn't actually know me, or Roza. Plus he was human and probably knew nothing about the vampire world.
And yet, as I settled into my train compartment, speeding off for Siberia, my thoughts were on the other side of the earth, with the very situation I'd run away from.