Dawn came quickly maybe three hours after Dex left me and went to sleep. I didn't sleep. I looked out of the window with dread. I'm in love. The worst thing for me to be in. Love always clouds my judgement. I am consumed by it, the love. Overcome, and drugged with the useless feeling.. I am in love again, which means Dex has dominion over me. If there's a God, please save me, save me from falling apart and losing sight of why I started all of this. I am scared. Dex could change, he could hurt me. Furthermore I could hurt him. I'm not tame, only a thin layer of humanity stands between him and the gluttony in the back of my head. He could say something harmless and provoke my anger. Imagine the mess I could make of him. The way I could paint the walls in his blood. I could rip out his stomach or make it burst inside of him. All the while I'd keep him alive, trap his soul in his body. My anger could tear him into sweet smelling bits of red. My wrath could provoke mass plagues.
How had I let this happen?
A soft knock fell upon my chamber door.
"Who is it?"
"It is Anne, master asked to assist you in dressing." The elderly woman spoke.
"Oh come in," I said standing. Now is no time to be a martyr. Perhaps all would be well and my worry would prove foolish. The old woman entered slowly and with a soft smile.
"Good morning, Anne," I greeted with a warm smile.
Her face brightened and she smiled back. Deep lines of age fanned out around her eyes as her cheekbones rose with contentment.
"Good morning, Camilla." She greeted. Her soft voice was like faint wisps of clouds in a blue sky.
I went to my wardrobe and studied the fabric of the dresses.
"Anne, I have no idea what to wear."
She came to moving my hands away from the dresses and replacing them with her fragile looking, expert hands. She choose a cream dress with light ruffles and soft fabric. I put on my undergarments then stepped in to the dress. Anne laced it. I stare at the mirror looking at the monster there. How the cream set off her skin, the way the gentle waves and hefts of the fabric slimmed her already small waist, the neckline accentuated her already prominent bust, the soft flare at the bottom adding length to her small figure, she was a monster, a monster nothing less than stunning. The loose curls hanging just past her bust, unbrushed and messy were the deepest ebony. Her eyes still dark coal, she wasn't hungry yet. Anne set brown heels in front of her. I acknowledge, as I stepped in to the shoes, that the monster in the mirror is in fact me.
"Thank you very much, Anne." I looked to her. She smoothed her hair back in the low intricate bun she held it in. She smiled and shook her head.
"No need child," her eyes were soft and sad. Had I saddened her in someway with my own self loathing.
"Anne is something wrong?" I asked immediately concerned.
She wiped at her eyes and shook her head. Anne was lying, what had I done to cause her pain? I ran through the events and realized what she had seen.
"Ah, they don't hurt." I said touching the back of neck were raised lines lie.
"You're so young to have such scars. Who?"
"My first husband." I answered and looked back to the mirror I turned observing the back of the dress. It showed quite a bit of the back of my neck. Anne moved behind me and began brushing my hair. I closed my hair and listened to the bristles run through my hair. She hummed a very familiar tune. I let out a breath of contentment and sung the song.
Anne left my hair hanging in its loose ringlets then excused herself.
I left the room and headed out of the room.
"Camilla, sweetie," Eliza called as I walked down the hall.
"Yes," I turned.
She hugged me,"Good Morning. Oh don't you look stunning." She smiled putting me at arms length.
"Oh um, thank you...And good morning to you."
She looked me over for a moment,"So when are you going to marry my son?" She asked taking my hand and walking down the hallway.
"I...um...wow..."
"I know it's early but you both seem very set on each other and I can't allow him to lose you. You're the brightest of all the young ladies he's courted. He also seems very taken by you, which is rare. He is more picky than I. I really just want to see him happy. I'm sure you understand."
"I want his happiness too..." I said truthfully.
"Ah you're scared. I'd kill Dex before he lay a hand on you."
I turned abruptly, surprised by her words.
"Oh I know about you. The moment he brought you up, I searched for as much information on you as possible. I can not let my baby come in to the affections of any lady."
"So then you know?" I asked.
"Oh yes, people know much about you. Especially that scarred back of yours. It's a pity, really, if only Dex had found you before all of that."
I was silent and kept walking with her.
"Listen I know this is weird but I just want to be sure that when he bares himself to you...You don't take a dagger to his heart. My boy really does care for you, I can see it in the way he looks at you."
"When he asks, my answer will be yes. Always, yes." I said in a sure tone.
She stared at me for a bit then nodded,"Good, I don't want him alone anymore." We joined everyone in the parlor.
For the rest of the week I found myself entertaining questions with cheerful answers and smiling at anything and everything. They all loved me and I liked them. It was just a mere like nothing more extensive. If I had to, I could still kill them all. Everyone but Dex could die and I wouldn't care less if I tried. Within the week I grew more than a bit home sick. My mind often wandered, to worry about Ciel, hoping Amelia, Isabelle and Tanaka were looking after him. I begrudgingly thought of Vincent also. He would never speak to me again if I leave him. Vincent was my only friend...but I have my reasons for wanting to go, I can't forget that. It wasn't until Sunday that I began to feel anxious about going back to the manor. I missed my friends in the manor, everyone but Rachel. I also worry for Ciel.
"Are you alright?" Dex asked while his family had all gone out to the garden.
"I'm afraid," I began
"You don't have to go back," he took my hand.
"I just. I don't know how to keep from giving him whatever he wants." I answered.
He pursed his lips and stared at me for a moment,"You think it's your responsibility to be there for him, no?"
"I've known him since I was a baby. He was, despite of all the strife, there for me during my father's death. I owe him better than to up and leave."
"Camilla, your leaving was long overdue."
"I know, but he's so angry. I'm his only friend and I'm taking myself away from him." I look down at my hand in his.
"Camilla, love, do you wish to stay his friend?" Dex asked with a soft understanding smile.
"Yes." I nodded.
"Then be his friend, I wouldn't dream of forbidding that. The only way he will lose a friend is if he chooses to."
I hugged him. Dex is nicer than I deserve.
"Oh Dex if you keep being this sweet I won't ever need candy again," I kissed his cheek then rested my head on his chest.
"I some how doubt that," he laughed," I swear,"I've never even seen a child eat as many sweets as you do."
"I can't help it. I live in the house of a candy manufacturer." I said. His face seemed to fall as I said this. I really need to watch my bringing Vincent up,"maybe I'll become more interested in fashion under your influence."
"You can be my little doll," he pinched my cheek.
"Your little doll...Hmm," I looked away from him towards the window on the far side of his study. A doll...no I shouldn't take it badly. He doesn't mean to use me, it was just a tease that is all. Dex loves me, but then again what do I know of being loved? He says he loves me. He looks like he loves me.
"What is the matter? Camilla you worry so much." He said, turning my face to look at him. He held my jaw and looked in to my eyes. His brow furrowed in concern.
"Why are you doing all of this for me?" I asked,"what have you to gain? Do you know that I could ruin you?"
"I know you could, but you won't." He gave me a cocky smile," and as for your other questions, well isn't this the kind of selfless chivalrous things every gentlemen does for his love."
I studied his expression frantically trying to make some sense of it. The utter truth and trust there confused me.
"There has to be something you want?" I said.
"A wife would be nice." He laughed letting go of my face.
"So you want to trap me too," I said confused.
"No, no of course not! I just...I want you to be my wife so you can be happy."
"So I can't be happy unless I'm your wife," I asked trying to make sense of his muddled objective.
"No no... Alright perhaps I should rephrase. I can't be happy unless you're my wife."
I tilted my head in confusion,"So you want me so you can be happy?"
"Yes," he nodded his brow furrowing again.
"I make you happy?"
"Immensely. However when you're sad you make me sad...And when you're angry I'm angry."
"That seems like a burden. Why would you sign up for such a thing willingly?" I asked,"there's nothing to gain."
"Well, not nothing. I gain you. I get to make sure you smile, not cry. Having that duty is worth it."
"So, the only thing you gain is a handful of a person and the task of keeping that person happy."
"Essentially, but you'd get the same thing."
"It's not the same thing. You're easy to make happy. You're kind, and not a burden. I don't understand why you would take such a bad deal."
"It is not a bad deal. You are not bad." He sighed looking at me.
"You don't know that," I contradicted.
"To me you're good and that's all that matters."
"You are so weird," I exclaimed.
"I hear love does that to people. Honestly, you are on the brink of losing more than I am. I mean you could lose a best friend. I might just get a few rumours and weird looks."
I tried to make sense of this,"Yes, but that is not something I particularly care about. I want to know why you are even excepting me?"
"I don't know what else to say but I love you. That is the only way I could justify it."
"Why do you love me?" I pressed moving closer.
"I do not know. You're trouble and troublesome. I worry entirely too much for you. You take up all of my energy and I can't bring myself to resent that."
"So why?" I urged.
He shook his head,"I'll be damned if I know. I just do. Some things just are. I mean, to me, you're enough to justify the creation of the world," He said softly.
"That's ridiculous." I dismissed with an exhausted tone. A whole world and thousands of species cannot be made for the benefit of one, solitary miscreant.
"That's just it. All of it is ridiculous. You shouldn't mean anything to me. I've know you what? A week and I'm ready to carve out my heart for you and serve it on a silver platter."
I blinked in surprise at the imagery.
"I'd do the same." I murmured.
"You would?" He asked skeptically.
"I could do it now if you want," I put my hand just above my heart. I was ready to shove my hand in and remove the beating vessel of emotion out of its home.
"No, thank you. I just didn't think you could possibly be so morbid."
"I am exactly that morbid." I pledged.
"You love me?" He asked.
"I said so last night," my tone was short. I don't like baring my weaknesses.
"Will you say it again?"
"I love you," I murmured almost incoherently. I looked away from his mint eyes.
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," he teased, the smile in his voice severely evident.
"I love you," I spoke only slightly louder.
"Oh if that is the best you can do then we will just call this whole thing off and-"
"I love you, you damn idiot."
He stole a quick kiss on the cheek,"That wasn't so hard."
I rolled my eyes,"Whatever you say. I guess I'll bid thee adieu so you and your family can talk about me."
"Oh yes, we'll speak of your scandalous etiquette." He said sarcastically.
The carriage ride home was nerve racking. I am going to marry Dex. No matter what Vincent say or does, I am going to marry Dex. I cannot let his attachment to me drive out others. I have devoted all of my life to him. It is time I had someone willing to devote themselves to me. Vincent would still have my devotion, even if he cast me away. Of course I'll always be there should he get hurt or in trouble, even if he doesn't want me. I would do the same for Ciel. Even though I'll be living somewhere else I can still love him and care for him while far away. Everything would be fine. Things could finally be working out for me.
All of my wishful thinking proved in vain as I entered the manor.
"Oh she's back!" Rachel said disdainfully and waltzed out of the room. I was used to that from her I barely noticed her existence. No my attention fell upon the girl I had so stupidly left unattended.
"Isabelle?" I called my voice hollow. I could slightly see her face and I didn't like what I saw.
"Hi, Camilla..." She said. Her voice wasn't cheerful. No it was terribly broken. I rushed to her.
"Isabelle, sweetheart, look at me." I begged holding her shoulders.
"No, Cami, I'm fine. I just fell...eh slipped in the garden...on the mud." She said looking down at her feet.
I grabbed her jaw making her hold her head up. She cried out in pain and I let her go. I stepped back in shock. There was a burn on her beautiful olive skin. A very bad burn. It was quickly scarring.
"Who did this to you?"
"No one...there was a fire in the kitchen...when we were cooking and it got me."
"Oh so you didn't slip in the garden."
She looked up realizing her mistake and making another. The other side of her face was purple.
My anger reared its ugly head.
"Who did this to you?!" I yelled.
"No, Camilla don't be angry with me!" She cried hugging me. I held her automatically.
"I am not angry with you at all. Never will I be." I promised,"Just tell me who did it?"
"Vincent had a guest and-"
"So he let this happen to you."
I let her go.
"No! He didn't! Master, tried to stop him!"
"And did that accursed man get a punishment!"
"Yes," Vincent answered as he came downstairs,"you would be happy to know he died in the slowest way humanly possible."
"What good does that do, Vincent?!" I shrieked,"She still bears the scar! So what good did that do?! You are useless."
"If you hadn't been out, parading with Lord Reed, she would be fine."
"You let her get hurt because I left?!" I said incredulously bounding towards him.
"Oh nonsense. I didn't let anything happen I was merely stating fact. You left which left her vulnerable."
I was silent, he was right.
"Isabelle, I should not have left you." I said I then stared spitefully in to Vincent's blue orbs,"and once I marry Lord Reed you will come with me."
"Marry?!" Vincent yelled surprised.
"Yes I fully intend to marry him, Vincent," my voice twisted around his name with spite.
"I suppose you have a ring then," he said with a smirk.
"I will have one." I answered not wavering.
"You're a joke," he laughed.
"Am I the joke? You are a married man hanging desperately on to a woman who wants nothing to do with you!" I yelled at him.
"I am not desperate!" He yelled at me his face turning a deep shade of red.
"You are a prideful pig! You are an insatiable earth vexing mole who would rather let someone acquire a lifelong scar than tell someone you love them! Vincent what happened to you?!" I asked moving closer to him.
"Nothing happened to me, Camilla! You are deluded!"
"And you are a hollow worthless man! You monster!"
"I am a monster?!" He laughed, "Should we speak of your means of sustenance?"
"Please do! I keep the scum off of the streets! You let innocent people get hurt all for the sake of some petty lesson!"
"I did not mean for Isabelle to be hurt, but the fact of the matter is-"
"The fact of the matter is the you are a sad, sad man trapped in marriage you can't begin to be happy in. You are more miserable than I and ten times worse. You God forsaking-"
Smack! My head whipped to the side and my cheek throbbed. He hit me. He hit me! I stared at the polished floor completely in shock.
"Millie, I'm sorry," he choked out. His vile hand touched my wrist and I jerked away.
"Don't touch me!" I shrieked stumbling back as tears filled my eyes, "You devil! Don't touch me!" I screamed fleeing the room. How dare he?!
"Camilla!" he yelled after me and I could hear his feet behind me.
"Leave me be, Vincent!" I screamed as I bolted up the stairs to my room. I slammed the door behind me and threw myself on to my bed and sobbed out my anguish. Betrayal swept through my body like relentless waves. I would make him pay! He would pay for his transgressions against me! It is not fair! What have I done in this life to deserve such cruelty. What could I have possibly done?