Harry Potter and the Chickenhorse!
Chapter 1: The First Chapter!
Disclaimer: Harry Pooter ain't mine and neither is star wars, bitch.
And so it was that the Chickenhorse used TEH EVUL POWAH! To travel back in time to the 1940s. He was in England so he had to go find Berlin. So he had to fly using TEH EVUL POWAH! And since flying in front of muggles violated the statue of secrecy-
"STATUTE YOU MORON!" screamed the Chickenhorse
"Sorry," replied the author.
"Actually, I'm pretty sure it's statutory," Interjected dead Ron.
"You keep out of this, you're dead," the author angried
"Oh, right." Responded the only boy who was stupid enough to forget he was dead. Well Ron's not really stupid because he kicks ass at chess, but he doesn't ever think so the end result is the same. Plus it's stupider to be smart and never use your brain at all than it is to actually be stupid. Besides I hate ron, and this is my story so I can make him horrendously out of character if I want to. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha.
and then Ron's bitchy mom showed up, "Oh noes, my son is dead, oh wait it's the whiny, stupid bitchy one. never mind it serves him right!"
"Mom, what the hell?!" Ron exclaimed.
"Don't talk to your mother that way! If you weren't dead I'd beat you with the big paddle," She replied, holding up an iron paddle the size of that one nightmare uses in soul calibur 2 as a bonus weapon and I think it's in four and five two.
So anyway, a bunch of Magic policemen started flying on broomsticks at the Chickenhorse, who used TEH EVUL POWAH! To blow up their broomsticks and then ate their souls using TEH EVUL POWAH! and when he realized that he could eat souls he wondered why he should limit his takeover to the solar system when he could easily conquer the galaxy! And when the Chickenhorse got to berlin he saw the big berlin capital building thingy and started eating the walls using HIS TEETH! (A.N. haha thought I was gonna say TEH EVUL POWAH! Didn't you?) And he got through he noticed that there were hundreds and hundreds of armed guards! He realized he would have to use stealth and so he open his mouth and using TEH EVUL POWAH! he screamed in a rage drawing all attention in the building to himself and sucked every single person's soul out of their bodies and devoured them, then Adolf Hitler came out and was all
"DAMN IT YOU STUPID COWMOOSETHINGY! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO ATTACK BERLIN AND EAT THE SOULS OF MY SECRET GUARD ARMY THINGY AND SCREAM IN RAGE AND EAT THE WALLS OF THE BIG BERLIN CAPITAL BUILDING THINGY AND FART ON OUR SECRET NUKE FACTORY!" and as he said this he pulled out a red lightsaber and swung it around to make cool hummy noises.
So Chickenhorse was all "How dare you, I am a Chickenhorse, AND I DID NOT FART ON YOUR SECRET NUKE FACTORY!" and using TEH EVUL POWAH! he created an EVUL SABER which he quickly used to cut through hitler's pathetic lightsaber, but it could not cut the Force except that it did. I originally explained that here but then I remembered it was against the rules so I didn't. and the star wars universe flew into the Chickenhorse's waiting mouth. And so hitler randomly exploded for no reason and the Chickenhorse left and the big berlin capital building thingy randomly exploded for no reason. Meanwhile our heroes were still eating lunch! And then the Chickenhorse ate hitler's exploded remains.
"Hey," asked Chickharry, "shouldn't we be catching the Chickenhorse?"
"Nah, I have a secret elaborate plan," Replied Dumbledore, eating a piece of sushi "besides, I'm hungry damnit!"
"Yeah said Hermione, wait why am I talking about myself in the third person? Damn it author!" said Hermione. And then she jumped on Chickharry and stripped her and started having hot lesbian sex with her for no reason. And dumbledore's gay so they didn't mind having hot lesbian sex in front of him since gay men can't tell when lesbians are having hot lesbian sex.
"Hey Hermione, do you think the author's a huge perv?" asked Chickharry.
"Yes, but who cares, this is fun!"
"Eh, the crazy bastard's probably just writing in the middle of the night again, writers do that sometimes, they make more mistakes that way but they can't always help it because they feel the need to write things down, even if it's something no one wants to read like this asinine story where we all act like out of character idiots. Silly authors and their silliness, so anyway I have a secret elaborate plan much like the one I'm not telling harry about for defeating Voldemort. Except Voldemort's dead so we don't need that one anymore."
The author then came along and kicked the three characters in the balls except for the two girls who she kicked in the clit.
"but what if he comes back using a horcrux?" asked Hermione, though it sounded really weird because she was licking Chickharry's crotch because they were in a 69 to make themselves feel better after the cuntpunt the whole time and also because they weren't done having hot lesbian sex yet.
"He can't, You foolish fool. Weren't you listening when I said horcruxes get absorbed too?!" asked Dumbledore.
"Wait, so Voldemort's dead for good this time?" Asked Chickharry, not even noticing the other part.
"I'm afraid so Chickharry, you see when the Chickenhorse eats someone, that person is not just killed, but completely absorbed by TEH EVUL POWAH! Horcruxes get absorbed too, and also they randomly explode for no apparent reason," said Dumbledore.
Chickharry got up and started dancing an extremely hilarious dance doing backflips and singing ding dong the wicked witch is dead. He then rose into the air doing a magical dance and ended said dance by sliding into a power slide then doing some jazz hands. Yay Jazz Hands. Whatever those are.
"DAMMIT HARRY YOU FOOLISH FOOL! THIS IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE YOU FOOLISH FOOLISH FOOLISH FOOL! FOR THE CHICKENHORSE HAS ALL OF VOLDEMORT'SS POWER! Um… author, you added an extra s to VOLDEMORT'S."
"Soirry," said the Author, "I mean sorry."
Chickharry looked all apologetic, and also extremely around because Hermione was licking her crotch, but then started screaming because the Chickenhorse fired a farty fart of TEH EVUL POWAH! at Chickharry's head.
Then snape showed up.
"Abraca goaway!" said Snape and the Chickenhorse was teleported someplace.
"ROAR!" said Snape,"WHY IS YOUR DUMB ASS TRYING TO FIGHT THE CHICKENHORSE DUMBASS HARRY POTTER WHO IS NOW A CHICK! ROAR!"
"It attacked us," said Chickharry.
"ROAR!" ROARED Snape, "THAT'S NO EXCUSE!"
"Yeah? Well you're a big smelly jackass," said Chickharry, "Why do you hate me so much anyway?"
"ROAR!" replied Snape, "I AM NOT A BIG SMELLY JACKASS, AND I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOUR DAD FUCKED THE GIRL I LIKED! Oh crap, I am a big smelly jackass. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HEADMASTER! All this time I've been just as bad to you as your father was to me. I don't deserve to live anymore." And then Snape Avada Kedavrad himself to death. Chickharry danced and sang again. Then Hermione got all pissed off and petrificus totalused her because when chicks try to jump around and dance and shit while you're trying to please them sexually, it's really annoying. At least that's what I've heard from those who are less awesome than me in the bed. I'm really awesome at making chicks moan, personally, I mean this one time, at band camp…
"AUTHOR, QUIT BRAGGING ABOUT YOUR ASTOUNDING SEXUAL PROWESS, EVEN IF YOU DID MAKE ME CUM 3,452,984,112 TIMES IN 2 SECONDS AFTER THE END OF LAST CHAPTER!" roared chickharry and Hermione sismultaneously.
"FINE!" said the author, then sadly muttered "I just wanted the chicks in the audience to know how awesome I am."
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"QUIT FUCKING AROUND, AUTHOR!111111111111111111111" yelled Snape's corpse, "WAIT A MINUTE, WHY THE FLYING FUCKING FUCK FUCKEDY FUCK FUCK AM I A FUCKEDYING FUCKING ZOMBIE! WHAT THE FLYING FUCKEDY FUCK AUTHOR, I FUCKING WANTED TO FUCKING DIE FUCKING FOREVER FOR BEING A FUCKING BIG SMELLY JACKASS, NOT BE A STINKY ZOMBIE! WHY CAN'T I FUCKING BE DEAD! I DON'T WANT TO BE A ZOMBIE!"
"sorry, dumbledore's secret elaborate plan involve you."
"Oh. Okay then."
So zombie snape got up and ate cake while crying about how horrendous his unlife was, all the while Hermione was licking Chickharry's crotch and squeezing her boobs, and chickharry loved it but still couldn't move and ron was like, "Hey, hermione's my girl dammit, Harry! I mean Chickharry!" so Hermione got all pissed and stomped on ron's balls, but it didn't hurt him because he was dead, but he forgot again so it did. And Hermione decided not to remind him he was dead for that very reason. Then the petrificus totalus wore off and Chickharry kicked zombie snape in the balls for watching but it didn't hurt him because he's a zombie, so chickharry threw him off a cliff instead. Then grabbed Hermione and stripped her and started sucking her boob nipples as she threw snape off a cliff.
And Dumbledore sat there eating pills and gravy because old people eat pills for breakfast, lunch and dinner because doctors won't let them eat anything else because they're mean like that but Dumbledore was eating gravy on them because he was tired of never getting to eat gravy because gravy is delicious. He didn't care about the lesbian sex that was going on around him because he was gay, and gay men can't see hot lesbian sex so to him it just looked like Chickharry and Hermione were just standing there naked, but he's gay so he doesn't notice they're naked but they were. But then a troll attacked and yelled "FALCONE PAWNCH!" and knocked Dumbledore against a tree, killing him instantly. But he didn't die because he's too magicky to get killed by a stupid troll so he was just unconscious. Except he's too magicky to get knocked unconscious by a stupid troll so he just got knocked against a tree. Except he's too magicky to get knocked against a tree by a stupid troll, so nothing happened to either of them except the troll which burst into flames and burned to ashes which burst into flames and burned to nothingness. And then the troll died.
Meanwhile.
The Chickenhorse woke up in Joseph Stalin's bed, so it ate him. And Joseph Stalin said something in French because he's French, but the Chickenhorse was all "SHUT UP! FRENCH IS NOT A REAL LANGUAGE, IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF STUPID WORDS THAT MAKE NO SENSE! AND IT HAS WORDS THAT ARE LIKE 30 LETTERS AND JUST ONE SYLLABLE AND THAT'S FUCKING STUPID!" and then joseph stalin accused the Chickenhorse of being a culturally illiterate American pig dog, which is one of the reasons French people make no sense, they go around calling americans pig dogs when there's no such thing as a pig dog. The closest thing is a pug, but pugs aren't pig dogs either because they don't have any pig blood. And a pig dog would have to be half pig half dog. Plus pig dog is really a compliment if you think about it because if there was a pig dog it would have all the traits of a pig and a dog. So they're really calling americans super smart super cute lovable awesome creatures that have 30 minute orgasms and can eat almost literally anything. Thanks stupid smelly French people. Then it started a boy band and sang about sex to little girls who shouldn't think about sex yet, cause boy band's are nasty like that, and his got really freaking popular, so popular in fact that other boy bands started to get jealous, and so the backstreet boys found the heart of a dead god, and constructed a profane ritual to merge all other boy bands together into one really hot superpedophile. And so the ritual was done and all the boy bands became the pedolakhan and screamed in fury while screaming! AND THEY CALL HIM SAANDY CLLAAAWS!
"What?!" asked everyone.
Then they went to go back in time and kill Chickenhorse's parents before he was born, but the Chickenhorse got pissed and used TEH EVUL POWAH! to go back in time to just before they went back in time and eat them using TEH EVUL POWAH! But then they went back in time to just before he went back in time, but the Chickenhorse ate them using TEH EVUL POWAH! Anyway. And so the Chickenhorse became godlike in his godlike power with TEH EVUL POWAH! combined with the boy band god power.
"STUPID BOY BANDS RIPPING OFF MORROWIND! MORROWIND IS THE BESTEST GAME EVER AND DOESN'T NEED YOUR STINKY PEDOTAINT! YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED!" screamed the Chickenhorse.
And then a house elf ate pie and that was the end of this chapter! Except the house elf wasn't done eating its pie yet so a cop came and chewed out Dumbledore for watching two 17 year old chicks have hot lesbian sex when he was much older than 18, but Dumbledore was all "I'm gay so I didn't know and besides in the wizarding world that you don't know about we come of age at 17" so the cop was all oh, okay. And then the house elf finished its pie so that was the actual end of this chapter. Jr;;p mu ms,r od hrpthr "dsof yjr jpidr
To be continued! To be continued! To be continued! To be continued! To be continued! To be continued! To be continued! To be continued! To be continued!
To be continued! To be continued! To be continued!
To be continued! To be continued!
To be continued!
T b continue
T b conti
T b co
Tbc
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Why are you still reading, I said the chapter's over.
Stop!
Cut that shit out!
Seriously!
I will send the Chickenhorse after you dammit!
Well I'll just stop writing now, then you can't read no more. Haha!