Note: First of all, thank you guys so much for your lovely reviews! They're making me so happy! And I'm sorry I'm not responding to your reviews individually. I wish I could, but then I'd be tempted to spoil parts of the story, since many of you are mentioning specific plot points! Just know that I really appreciate all the reviews, I'm reading them all, and thank you for reading my story!
By the way, I was totally listening to track 18 called "Captain America" from the CA: TWS soundtrack when I wrote the last couple of paragraphs, if anyone wants to get into the mood. Haha.
The Winter Soldier must have been more tired than he'd realized because he actually slept through the night without waking up or tossing and turning. Ari shook him awake at 3:30 a.m. and whispered, "Soldier. Wake up. We're leaving soon."
Ari was already dressed so she went to get breakfast while he washed up and got dressed. Even though Ari had bought him some colored clothing, this time he chose to wear all-black. Not that he wanted to intimidate Captain America…but he sort of wanted to intimidate Captain America. After all, Captain America was the only person the Winter Soldier had ever met who matched his strength. The Winter Soldier wanted answers, but he didn't want to go to Steve Rogers looking like a pathetic wounded puppy.
Ari brought back hash browns and coffee from the McDonald's across the street that was open 24/7 apparently (muttering under her breath about the trans fat or something, which he ignored) and they ate quickly, getting ready to go. They were leaving most of their belongings back in the room, since they were only visiting Steve, but when Ari saw that the Winter Soldier was strapping some of his weapons into the inside of his jacket, she froze.
"What are you doing?" she asked in horror. "You can't bring weapons!"
"I damn well can," he said. "The last time we met…we tried to kill each other."
"Captain America is a good guy!" she protested. "He won't try to kill you! He's your best friend, remember? I don't want there to be a gunfight in front of the Washington Monument!"
"There won't be," promised the Winter Soldier, "but I'm still taking some weapons." He actually knew deep down that Steve Rogers wouldn't hurt him—he'd even let the Winter Soldier beat his face bloody without fighting back—but the Winter Soldier was ultimately too conscious to walk into a situation like this without his own personal backup. Speaking of…
"Do you know how to use a weapon?" he asked.
"I mean, I guess I could stab someone with a knife, if I had to," said Ari, mystified. "Why?"
The Winter Soldier held one of his daggers out to her. "You should take this."
"Soldier," began Ari testily, "do you really think Captain America is going to attack me? I can't stop you from bringing weapons but I draw the line at bringing them myself. No thank you."
The Winter Soldier frowned but he put his dagger back into his pocket. Ari didn't seem to have much common sense, sometimes. Every person should have a decent knowledge of self-defense and how to wield a basic dagger. He'd show her some other time. They left the room and headed to Ari's car. The Winter Soldier tied his hair back in the car to keep it out of his eyes and Ari looked at him while she was reversing and remarked, "Should we get your hair cut? You don't seem to like it long."
Short hair reminded him of James Buchanan Barnes. Short hair was a Bucky Barnes haircut. He wasn't 100% the Winter Soldier anymore—but he wasn't Bucky Barnes yet. He didn't want to get his hair cut. "No, this is fine," he said, and Ari let the subject drop, mostly because she was frowning at her GPS.
"Washington D.C. is so complicated," she complained to herself. "Not straightforward at all. They could take some cues from the NYC grid system."
As they drove through Washington D.C., the Winter Soldier couldn't help but get slight flashbacks to the last time he'd been here, weeks ago. Back then, he'd been like an automaton. He'd been on a one-track mission: kill Captain America and then kill his partner, Black Widow. And take down any others who helped Captain America, such as that Falcon man and Nick Fury, the director of SHIELD. He'd taken out Nick Fury first and his stomach clenched a bit when he remembered how he'd blown up Nick Fury's armored car. He had murdered someone on Captain America's side. What would Steve do to him for that? Was the Winter Soldier supposed to apologize? He didn't particularly care about Nick Fury—he hadn't known the man at all—but he still felt the smallest bit of regrets at the blood he'd spilled on orders that he'd never even thought to question.
And then there had been the redheaded woman. Black Widow. The Winter Soldier remembered her. He'd been assigned to kill someone a few years ago and he had run into her. She'd been protecting the man. They'd had a car chase and then she'd thrown herself in front of his target. He'd shot his target right through her. He hadn't been aiming to kill her—she was irrelevant to the mission—but he wouldn't have cared if she'd died. And he'd tried to kill her a few weeks ago… She'd shot his eyepiece and he'd let loose on her, before Captain America had jumped in and Black Widow had escaped.
He would have to face her again. Nick Fury was dead—but he'd have to face Black Widow. Would he have to apologize? He didn't want to. But a part of him felt like he should, especially if he wanted answers from Steve Rogers. Plus, it wasn't exactly like he was an assassin anymore. Being an assassin was all he knew…but he didn't have to go around killing people he didn't know anymore and not feel any remorse over it. He was allowed to feel things. He didn't quite feel them fully yet, but he was getting there.
The destruction they'd caused a few weeks ago had actually been pretty well contained within a few blocks and they'd cleaned up the city nicely. He suspected it was because so many of the nation's politicians resided here and they would want to see their city destroyed and ugly. It reflected badly upon the whole country. The sky was dark but it was lightening slightly, turning a pale blue edged with lavender. Black wrought-iron street lamps still glowed softly in the streets and he saw a few joggers out running again, some of them with dogs on leashes. Most stores and houses they passed were dark but some stores' lights were flickering on, workers setting up for the coming day. It was a beautiful area they drove through, the buildings looking fancier than typical buildings. He hazarded a guess that they were in the wealthy area.
And then suddenly the Washington Monument was looming ahead of them, the mall in front of it empty. Ari parked down the street and then turned and looked at Soldier. "Okay," she said. "Listen. You go…hide behind a tree or something. I'll approach Captain America first and sort of break it gently to him. And then I'll bring him to you, or motion for you to come out, okay?"
The Winter Soldier agreed. He didn't mind this plan at all. He himself had been thinking about how awkward and awful it would be to just stroll up to Steve Rogers. What would he have said? "Hey, buddy. Sorry for trying to kill you a few weeks ago"? "Give me answers, now"?
They got out of the car and walked down the street towards the mall. The morning was warm and slightly muggy, a summery feel to the air, and it was silent out, with only the slight chirping of some birds breaking the silent dawn. It was peaceful and somewhat surreal, in some ways. He went and sat behind a tree that was right next to the jogging path that looped around the mall and Ari sat on a bench a few feet away, crossing her legs and jiggling her foot nervously, looking around. He wondered what she was so nervous about but then remembered Captain America was something of a celebrity in these times. He'd been a celebrity in Bucky Barnes' time too, it seemed from the Smithsonian exhibit…
He was standing near a group of men, all dirtied and muddied up, and his body ached. He was smiling at a muscular blond man who stood in front of him, also dirty, and the man was grinning proudly.
He opened his mouth and loudly called, "Let's hear it for CAPTAIN AMERICA!" and the crowd around him let out cheers. He watched them cheer, smiling proudly at the blond man, but his smile didn't reach his heart, which felt a bit bitter. They'd taken his gentle friend and made a weapon out of him… His smile dropped slightly and he looked away from the cheering crowd.
The Winter Soldier rubbed his aching, throbbing temples and tried to puzzle out what he had just seen. He'd been happy that Steve Rogers was Captain America…but he had also been upset. A strange feeling had overcome him, one which the Winter Soldier had never quite felt before. He couldn't put a name to it, but he remembered feeling upset that his friend had been turned into something he'd always hoped his friend could avoid… If he'd told Ari what he was feeling, she would have told him it was protectiveness. But as it was, the Winter Soldier didn't recognize that.
And then he heard Ari hiss at him, "Okay, I see him across the mall! Don't move!" and he automatically froze, crouching and listening closely the way he did back when he would crouch sometimes for hours before taking his kill shot. He never missed.
Steve Rogers ran extremely fast so it was only a few moments before he was running past Ari and then the Winter Soldier heard her leap to her feet and say, "Um, excuse me! Excuse me, sir!"
The Winter Soldier peered from behind the tree, only the most miniscule amount where he was sure Steve Rogers wouldn't see him. His mouth tightened when he saw the muscular blond man, wearing a tight gray t-shirt that was soaked with sweat. He could see the outline of a white bandage under his shirt, across his abdomen, and a small white bandage that was taped to the left side of his neck. Ari was standing in front of him, bouncing slightly on her toes out of nerves, hands in the pockets of her black sweatshirt. She looked absolutely tiny next to him. At 5'6", she was actually of average height, not very short (by female standards) but the Winter Soldier suspected most women—most people, actually—would look rather small next to Captain America.
"Yes?" the man asked slowly.
"Uh, you're—you're Captain America, right?" she asked.
An expression of understanding crossed Steve Rogers' face, as if he knew what Ari wanted, and he gently said, "Yes, ma'am, but I'm a little busy right now—" and made as if to run past Ari, but she grabbed his arm and cried, "Wait!"
He looked down at her hand on his arm and she immediately yanked it away. "Sorry!" she said. "But I'm not a fan! I mean—I am a fan, technically… But I have something to tell you. Something to…show you, actually, that I know you'll want to see."
Steve looked somewhat suspicious now, on his guard. "What are you talking about?"
"Do you remember your friend?" Ari asked quietly. "Sol—I mean…James Buchanan Barnes."
It was amazing how quickly Steve's expression changed. He had looked wary and now he looked equal parts extremely shocked and also extremely serious. He took a step towards Ari and said, in a tone that clearly said I mean business, "What are you talking about? Do you know something about him? Who are you?"
"Calm down," said Ari, holding up a hand. "You'll get all your answers. I just need you to take a step back, Mr…Rogers."
Steve looked down and seemed to realize that he'd taken a somewhat intimidating step towards Ari, as if to grab her and keep her from escaping with her answers (as if she could outrun him anyway). "Sorry," he said, quickly taking a step back. "Just…who are you? What do you know about Bucky?"
Ari took a deep breath. "Listen to me carefully," she said. "I know where…Bucky is. But I'll only let you see him if you listen to me."
Something shifted in Steve's eyes and the Winter Soldier recognized the look: it was the look of a man who had locked onto a trail. The Winter Soldier almost wanted to spare Ari the trouble of explaining everything and step out into view, because he knew Steve wasn't going to just let Ari walk away. But he stayed hidden and Steve nodded and folded his arms, saying, "Alright. Explain."
"My name is Aritamis Madden," she said. "Ari for short. I live in North Carolina. About a week ago, I picked up a hitchhiker on the highway. He was confused, had memory problems, looked dirty and hungry, and was obviously physically wounded and ill. I'm a nurse but I didn't want to admit him to a hospital because he looked a bit…paranoid. Also, I had suspicions that he might be on the run or something, because he sort of looked like he'd been through battle, and what with all that had happened in D.C…" She trailed off and ran a hand through her hair.
"Anyway," she said. "I took him home, patched him up. I observed him for a week, watched his health and assessed his memory and mental status. He seemed pretty normal functioning, had memory issues and obvious temper issues… He told me he was called the Winter Solder. I call him Soldier for short. He told me he was an assassin, he'd lost his memories, and that you told him you knew him. He wants to recover his memories so…well, I basically got him hacked into HYDRA's files and we printed out all the files we could on him. And then we decided to come find you."
Steve Rogers stared at her incredulously. "You mean to tell me Bucky's been staying with you for the last week? Where was he before that? I've been—I've been searching down leads, I couldn't find anything…"
"To the best of my knowledge, he was wandering in the woods," explained Ari. "Anyway…the thing is, he didn't want to see you at first. You have to understand this, Mr. Rogers—"
"Steve," interrupted Steve. "Call me Steve."
"Okay, Steve," said Ari, looking a bit awkward. "You have to understand that you're a huge trigger for Soldier. He's been having memory flashbacks but they always make him physically sick. Your memory, your face, your name—they make him anxious and they put him on the edge. He's not being mind controlled anymore but he's still not healthy, physically or mentally. He's stressed out. I convinced him to come and meet you because he wants answers, he wants to remember who James Barnes was…but you can't push him. He's my patient. If you push him too far, he'll close up and he'll panic."
"I understand," said Steve but he looked extremely impatient. "When can I see him? I promise I won't overload him. I just—I need to see my best friend."
"One more thing," cautioned Ari. "You see him as your best friend. And he has had memories of you two being friends. But he's not Bucky Barnes, Steve. He's not the man you remember. You can't expect him to be Bucky or to act like him or remember you well. Don't be disappointed if the man you meet isn't what you expect. Soldier's different now. Okay?"
"Got it," said Steve. Ari must have glared at him because he chuckled slightly and held his hands up. "Seriously, nurse—I understand," and the Winter Soldier bit back a slight smile because he had seen Alex be on the receiving end of Ari's furious glares and they weren't fun.
"He's here now," said Ari softly. "He wants to meet you but you need to be careful. Should I bring him out?"
The Winter Soldier's stomach tightened.
"Yes," said Steve, looking around as if he expected to see the Winter Soldier pouncing out of a bush. The Winter Soldier supposed it wasn't too far a stretch to make. After all, the last time they'd fought, he'd appeared out of nowhere several times. He was good at that.
"Sit down," ordered Ari, pointing to the bench. The Winter Solder quickly silently slid to the other side of the tree so Steve wouldn't see him when he sat down. He sat with his back against the tree, staring into nothingness, trying to control his breathing. He had his memories. He had the Smithsonian exhibit, which backed up what Steve had said. He had Ari. He didn't know who Bucky Barnes was, but he could do this. He could figure it out. He could put the pieces together. HYDRA didn't own him anymore.
"Soldier." Ari's voice was gentle at his ear as she knelt near him. "Come on. It's time." She held out her hand and the Winter Soldier grasped it, despite his usual reluctance to have any human contact, and he got to his feet and walked out from behind the tree. Ari stepped away from him and crossed her arms, watching.
Steve looked at him in shock, not having realized the Winter Soldier had been so close by this whole time. He made as if to stand but Ari held up a hand and motioned for him to sit down. The Winter Soldier slowly made his way over to the bench and for a moment he and Steve stared at each other. And then Steve stood up and quietly said, "Bucky," and took a step forward—to what? Hug him? The Winter Soldier uneasily took a step back and Steve also took a step back, abashed.
"Sorry," he said. "Your nurse—Ari—she told me to take it slow."
"Yeah," said the Winter Soldier, not knowing what else to say. "I wanted…to meet you. We knew each other," he said. It wasn't a question but he was looking at Steve with questions in his eyes.
"Yes," said Steve, relieved that the Winter Soldier wasn't pulling out a knife and stabbing him this time. "Yeah, we did. You were my best friend, Buck. I know…" He ran a hand through his blond hair, looking a bit sad. "I know you don't remember any of that, but I'll answer any questions you have. I want you to remember."
"I remember some of it," said the Winter Soldier quietly. "I had a memory—you were getting beat up…you were smaller. I helped you."
To his surprise, Steve chuckled. "That could have been any of the hundred times that happened. I was a weakling as a kid. You got me out of fights more times than I can count."
Steve Rogers had been a weakling? This surprised the Winter Soldier. Looking at the size of the man now, he would have never guessed that the man had originally been so skinny and small.
"Where do you want to start?" asked Steve. He sat on the bench and then patted the bench. "Here, why don't you sit—"
Ari had kept her distance up until now but she approached them and said, "Wait, I don't think Soldier should stay out in the open."
"Why do you keep calling him Soldier?" asked Steve.
"That's what I told her to call me," muttered the Winter Soldier.
"Do you mind if I call you Bucky?" asked Steve. The Winter Soldier actually did mind but he didn't know how to say that. So he shook his head and Steve looked relieved. Then Steve looked at Ari and said, "HYDRA went down."
"HYDRA is still around and you know that," said Ari. "They're just in-hiding. But even if HYDRA isn't a big threat right now, Soldier kind of destroyed parts of D.C. a few weeks ago. Some citizen might recognize him. He looks pretty much the same."
"Fine," said Steve, standing up. "We can go back to my place."
The Winter Soldier tensed up a little at this but when he looked at Ari for confirmation, he realized with shock that she was looking to him for confirmation. He'd mistakenly assumed that she would tell him if it was a good idea or not—but it looked like she was leaving it up to him. He squared his shoulders and said, "Fine."
"Let's go," said Steve. "I rode a motorcycle here, but I assume you guys have a car?"
"I do," said Ari. "I can follow you."
"Meet me on the street right in front of the mall," said Steve and then he jogged away, gaining speed as he ran to wherever he had parked his motorcycle. Ari took off in the direction of the car and the Winter Soldier followed, easily outpacing her hurried strides quickly. They hurried down the street, got into her car, and she did a U-turn on the street, heading back in the direction and parking right in front of the mall. She nervously looked at her watch and said, "I hope Steve hurries, I don't want a cop to st—" but just then a motorcycle roared to a stop in front of them. Steve was wearing a black leather jacket and a helmet and he motioned for them to follow and then took off. Ari pulled out and tailed him through the streets of Washington D.C. until they were driving through a semi-residential area. As they passed the brick buildings, the Winter Soldier closed his eyes. He remembered this area. He had hidden in the building across the street from Steve's apartment and shot Nick Fury through the window.
To his surprise, however, they passed the apartment building that he'd shot Nick Fury in and drove on for several more blocks, passing through the community until they came to a different community right next door that was full of townhomes instead of apartment complexes. Steve pulled up to a small pale blue townhome and parked his motorcycle in the small garage that held nothing else except a refrigerator.
They got out of the car and followed Steve inside through the garage door. Steve smacked the button before they entered, the garage sliding shut behind them. As they entered the house, the Winter Soldier looked around…and deduced nothing. He was good at analyzing situations and people based on the subtle clues they gave off but Steve's house said absolutely nothing. It was furnished in a very generic, semi-modern way and was very plain. Neutral tan sofas, a TV, white appliances. Only a few random paintings of generic landscapes hung on the wall and the Winter Solder noticed a wilting vase of flowers dying on the counter. Steve noticed him looking at it and said, "Oh, that… Yeah, Natasha brought these here. Said my house needed some character. I guess I forgot to feed them."
Ari looked a bit amused and said, "You don't feed flowers. You water them." Steve let out a small laugh and, to the Winter Soldier's immense confusion, Ari turned a bit pink in the face and looked away distractedly. What was going on?
"Okay, so this…this is my place," said Steve, gesturing to it. "Do you want something to drink?"
"No," said the Winter Soldier.
"Soldier, you need to keep hydrated," murmured Ari. "Otherwise the nausea and headaches will be more frequent and will feel worse. You haven't had water at all today."
"Fine, water," said the Winter Soldier.
Steve gave the two of them a semi-curious glance but got the Winter Soldier a glass of water. The Winter Soldier watched him get it from the fridge carefully, to make sure it wasn't poisoned or drugged in any way.
Steve sat down at the table and the Winter Solder sat down at the opposite end, feeling awkward. He sipped the water even though he wasn't thirsty and the action felt extremely obnoxious, as did the slurping noise he made. He wiped his wet mouth and pushed the glass away. It left droplets of water on the table. Steve was staring at him very intensely, as if mentally willing him to regain all his memories right away, and it made the Winter Soldier irritated. "What are you staring at?" he finally demanded.
"Sorry, it's just—it's you, Bucky," said Steve, sounding awed. "I can't…I can't explain how this feels. I thought I lost you. I thought you died… I…" He suddenly looked up at Ari. She stared back at him for a moment and it was as if they were communicating silently and then Ari loudly asked, "May I use your bathroom?" in a pleasant voice.
"Upstairs to the left," said Steve in an equally loud and pleasant voice. Ari vanished up the stairs and the Winter Soldier noted that there was a bathroom downstairs next to the kitchen.
There was silence for a moment and then Steve continued, his voice more quiet now. "It was bad enough back in those days, when I thought you were dead. But I didn't have to live with that for long. I was in battle and then I got myself frozen in ice too. I woke up over seventy years later…"
The Winter Soldier had never thought about it this way. He'd never thought about the fact that Steve had gone through almost the same thing he had. Well, not almost the same…but similar in certain ways. He traced a finger through a water droplet on the table and met Steve's eyes. "I was frozen too. Except they froze me in cryo a lot."
"Cryo," repeated Steve.
"Yeah." A suppressed shudder went down the Winter Soldier's spine. "It's awful. I did it because I didn't know any other way. I thought it was normal for me. I didn't like it, though, and I could feel it. I could feel myself suffocating."
Steve rubbed his eyes and said, "Oh, Buck," in a low voice. Then he looked at the Winter Soldier and said, "Why don't you tell me your whole story? And then I'll tell you my story. My story is longer. I've known you my whole life."
The Winter Soldier had never told anyone his whole story, not even Ari. He'd never even really known his whole story. The mind wipes kept blurring things in his head. They'd acted like forcible tape, wrapping tight layers across his memories, pushing them further and further down in his mind until he couldn't retrieve them anymore. But the tape was slowly being ripped and peeled off and things were coming back to him, especially things about his time as the Winter Soldier assassin. It felt somewhat like a dream—he'd been so robotic—but it also felt like yesterday.
He opened his mouth and began to speak. His voice was quiet at first but then it grew a little louder and more confident when he noticed Steve was listening intently. The Winter Soldier couldn't see but Ari was sitting on the stairs around the corner, arms wrapped around her knees, listening as well. He spoke and spoke and spoke. He spoke about his memories of waking up on a gurney. About realizing he had a cybernetic arm. About being injected with serums and tested. About being forced to strap on machines and train. About being observed 24/7 by scientists. About sleeping in a plain room with a cot with machines and needles stuck into his arm and chest. About being forced back into that god awful chair after every mission, clamping his teeth down onto the plastic piece intended to keep him from biting his tongue off. About the pain when the electrical waves began to pound in his brain. About the memories and his vision going dark and fuzzy, floating away out of his grasp. About stepping back into a chamber, crossing his arms, closing his eyes and going to "sleep"—even though he could feel the cold penetrate every single cell inside his body. He never stopped feeling. He spoke about being woken up, being tested, feeling disoriented and being handed sheets and maps and photos of new targets and locations. Being trained and trained again. Riding in cars, jumping out of cars, crouching on balconies and roofs for hours. Pulling the trigger and never missing. Clamping his hands around someone's throat and squeezing. Throwing smoke grenades and vanishing into the smoke. Being hustled back to HYDRA's headquarters. Answering questions. More questions. Ranking his pain, his hunger, his mental status on a scale of zero to ten. Having his memories wiped. Being put back in cryo. Waking up and the world was different yet again. Thrust out into the world and hunting down people like they were prey.
"They told me I was a gift," he whispered, unable to look Steve in the eye. "They told me I was changing the world. They told me I was their most valuable asset. That didn't mean much to me, but it was all I had. It was all I knew. I didn't even know I was a person."
They couldn't see her, but around the corner, a tear slowly slid down Ari's face and she buried her face into her knees. Her hands trembled.
The Winter Soldier's hands were trembling too when he picked up the glass of water and he took another unnecessary gulp. He blinked and then looked at Steve, who looked equal parts horrified and shocked and extremely angry. "I want to know who I am," he said. "I want to know who I was. You're the only person who can help. I have files on myself."
"I have files, too," said Steve.
The Winter Solder looked at him in shock and then said, "All my files? From since the war?"
"Well—no," said Steve. "I only have a small file… Why, how much do you have?"
"All of them," said the Winter Soldier. "But they're in code. I need to break into HYDRA to get them de-coded. Ari thought you could help."
"How did you even get those files?"
The Winter Soldier hesitated. He harbored absolutely no love for Alex and would have willingly sold him out if he needed to—but Alex was related to Ari and he didn't know if he wanted it to be common knowledge that Ari had helped him break into HYDRA's files. It was unnecessary danger. If she needed to be put in danger, he'd do it, but this wasn't needed. "Someone helped us," he said finally. "They're gone now."
Steve raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. Instead he said, "Speaking of…Ari. Who is she to you? I didn't expect you to randomly find shelter with a regular person. Is she…?"
"Is she?" continued the Winter Soldier, not sure what Steve was getting at.
Steve cleared his throat. "Is she, you know, is she like some sort of special friend?"
Now the Winter Soldier got it. Steve thought Ari was to him exactly what those teenage girls had thought. Was it impossible, he wondered, for a male and a female to be in company without people wondering this? "She's a friend," he said. "She's my nurse."
"Okay," said Steve. "That's…yeah. Yeah. That's fine. Should we, you know, send her home? Now that you're here?"
The Winter Soldier hesitated. He should have said yes. What need was there for Ari to be here now? She'd done all she could. But strangely enough, he didn't feel like sending her away. Luckily for him, he didn't have to answer. Ari turned the corner, seemingly appearing out of nowhere, and said, "Uh uh. There's no way I'm going anywhere. Soldier is my patient. I'm seeing him through to the end of this." The Winter Soldier noticed her eyes were slightly red and wondered why. They hadn't been red before.
Steve looked at her and seriously said, "It'll be dangerous, ma'am."
Ari blushed slightly and said, "Um, you don't have to call me ma'am…though it is charming, I'll admit. You can call me Ari. And I know it'll be dangerous. I don't really care."
"Alright," said Steve, shrugging. He looked at the Winter Soldier again and the Winter Soldier felt uncomfortable. Steve looked so intense, almost like he was in pain, and then he abruptly stood up and said, "I'm going to to tell you about Bucky Barnes, right? You want that?"
"Yeah," said the Winter Soldier.
"Lucky for you, I managed to find some of my old photo albums and schoolboy stuff," he said. He paused and his tone took on a somber note. "Someone from my past—our past—saved them for me when they came home from the war and I didn't."
"Who was it?" asked the Winter Soldier curiously. There was another person who shared their past? Would he recognize them as well?
"Peggy Carter." Steve spoke her name quietly and there was clearly suppressed emotion behind it. Ari looked a little stunned, like she was intruding on a private moment, and she looked away, as if trying to give Steve some privacy. Steve looked at him and asked, "Do you remember her? Agent Peggy Carter?"
Dark hair. Red lips. Self-assured smile.
"What are we waiting for?" he asked.
She paused and then looked at him and he felt a bit taken back. No woman had ever looked at him this way—with complete cool indifference and disinterest. Not in an unkind way; simply in a way that said he wasn't the one she would ever look at. "The right partner," she said quietly, looking at Steve with an expression that clearly meant something, and then she was walking away and he was watching her go, glancing at his friend who was now in the spotlight, and he felt a bit unsure of himself.
The Winter Soldier pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and squeezed them shut, trying to push the pain away. His stomach roiled a little bit and he realized that his mostly empty stomach (the breakfast had not been nearly enough food) made the nausea worse. "She rejected me," he heard himself say in a voice that sounded a bit distant. He opened his eyes to see Ari gaping at him—possibly at him acknowledging the fact that he used to be comfortable around women, because he certainly wasn't now—and repeated, "She said something about…me not being the right partner?"
Steve gave a smile, though it seemed a bit pained. Was the memory a painful one for him too? Why? It had been clear she'd rejected him for Steve. Had they had a fight over her? "Good," said Steve. "You remember her, a little bit. I have my photo albums and things—but they're in a storage facility a few blocks away. Will you stay here while I go get them?"
The Winter Soldier nodded and Steve shrugged on a jacket. Before leaving, he turned and urgently said, "Don't disappear on me." There was a slightly panicked look to his eye and it suggested that Bucky Barnes disappearing on his friend for the third time would ruin the man who was standing in front of him.
"I won't," said the Winter Soldier hoarsely. The garage door slammed shut and the house fell into silence.
He and Ari sat there in silence for a moment and then he asked, "How much of my story did you hear?"
Ari folded her arms and tilted her chair back, looking at the ceiling and biting her lip. "All of it," she admitted. "Sorry, I couldn't help but…" She looked at the Winter Soldier and he could see sadness in her blue-eyed gaze. Really, her eyes were even bluer than Steve Rogers'. "You never told me about any of that," she said quietly. "About all the stuff HYDRA did to you. I never imagined…I never imagined you went through that. And you've been going through it for decades…my god. This makes the stuff I went through seem like such petty garbage."
"You have your own story," he said. "I have mine." Ari still looked sad and he supposed he ought to comfort her, but he had nothing to say. There was no comfort. She was right. He'd been through horrors that she would never know. But her struggles had been difficult too, in their own way. He wanted to let her know that but he didn't know how so he changed the subject and said, "Why do you turn pink when Steve talks to you?"
She turned pink then too. "What?" she protested. "I do not—"
"You do," he said bluntly. A sudden thought struck him. "You said I wasn't your type. Is he your type?"
"Look at you suddenly getting chatty," she said, rubbing her arms self-consciously. He recognized it as a self-defense mechanism. "Always so silent but now you can't stop, huh?"
Now she knew how he felt when she questioned him on relationships. Still, he persisted and asked, "Is he?"
"No," she said. "I mean, yes—I mean no—I mean… He's not, like, my type! I'm not in love with him or anything. Don't get the wrong idea. But he's Captain America, okay? I realize you didn't hear much about him during your…time out in the world. But he's a big deal here, he's famous. He saved New York and probably the world with the Avengers and he saved D.C. a few weeks ago. And he's easy on the eyes and charming to boot, too, so yeah, I get a little flustered around him. Sue me." She was blushing again. The Winter Soldier decided to let the subject drop since it was getting a bit awkward for him too now.
They sat in silence for a bit and then Ari asked, "Have you felt any more sickness? Any more flashbacks?"
"Both," he said. "But the sickness…is getting better. I think."
"That's good," she said encouragingly. "I'm not sure how exactly HYDRA erased your memories…but it seems to me that they repressed them. They covered them up and kept covering them. Suppression is an easier and more realistic technique than actually erasing memories. The problem with suppression is, it needs to be continuously maintained, since the memories are always there and your mind is always fighting to regain control of itself. Now that HYDRA isn't putting you in the"—her voice hitched a bit—"chair, it seems like your memories are re-surfacing. But it'll be a painful process."
"It already is," he told her.
"How did being in the chair make you feel?" she asked softly. "Was it painful?"
He leveled her with a solid gaze. The truth was that having his memories suppressed had felt like the worst torture on Earth. The truth would shock her. But the Winter Solder didn't care about protecting her feelings; he didn't work that way. He still hadn't built up enough empathy to care about things like that. He wouldn't coddle anyone. "It hurt," he said slowly, "like they were setting my brain on fire. It felt like someone was digging my brain out with a knife. Like I was being ripped apart."
Ari looked pale but her face remained steady and composed, though he noticed that her fist clenched, the blue veins in her forearm suddenly standing out a little more. She held her head up high, pointing her chin up a bit, and stared at him with a piercing gaze. "But you handled it, didn't you, Soldier? You're the consummate survivor. You didn't lose yourself." She sounded like she was reassuring herself as much as she was reassuring him.
"I am," he said hoarsely, almost to himself, looking down at his hands. One flesh, one silver. He'd survived this far. He'd done it. HYDRA had stolen his mind but they hadn't won. He was getting his mind back. He looked up and coughed, clearing his throat, and stared at Ari. She stared back at him and it was like the moment was charged. He couldn't explain it but it was as if they were somehow sending messages through their stares. She was afraid, but she was afraid for him, he could sense that. And he understood her fear and it was like he was trying to tell her that she didn't need to fear him losing himself again. Their faces were serious and they didn't speak. When had he begun to understand Ari like this? And when had she begun to almost read his mind?
"You're wrong. You have me. I'm your friend."
Steve was his friend. Steve was the friend he didn't know. But Ari was a friend, too. Somehow, along the way, she'd become his friend even though he'd distanced himself as much as he could. She understood him on some level that he wasn't sure Steve even did. Ari was the friend he knew. And as of right now, he knew that he needed both Ari and Steve to move on. Was this what being human meant? Having people who knew parts of him that he didn't know himself yet?
The door banged open and Steve entered, carrying a huge box. He looked from Ari to the Winter Soldier, who were still staring at each other, expressions very serious, and said, "Am I missing something?"
"I was just telling Soldier he's a survivor," said Ari. "Don't you think so, Steve?"
"Damn right you are," said Steve, putting the box on the table. "I can't even imagine going through what you did. I would have lost control."
"No, you wouldn't have," said the Winter Soldier. "You're a good man." I'm not a good man, he wanted to add. He had survived, he had managed to live through HYDRA's tortures—but he had done it by killing others. Steve would have found a different way. Steve had a goodness in him that the Winter Soldier could sense even now, even after not really remember who Steve Rogers was. Steve would have found a way to resist HYDRA or died trying. Had Bucky Barnes resisted as much? Or had he surrendered easily?
Steve looked like he wanted to argue but catching a meaningful glance from Ari, he changed his mind and said, "I have the photos and some random stuff here. If you want to look through it…?"
The Winter Soldier suddenly felt so exhausted that he felt like a puppet whose strings had been cut. His limbs felt limp and his mouth felt dry from talking and his heart was beating too quickly from divulging so much private information. It felt liberating but it had shocked his system to the core, talking so much about himself, when for years he'd been only allowed to operate as a ghost who wasn't really a someone. Who wasn't really anyone.
"Later," he said. "I'm tired. I want to…" He looked at Ari.
She leaped to her feet and bent over him, looking at him, and then she looked at Steve. "He's exhausted. Look at how pale he is. He needs rest."
"I have a spare bedroom upstairs," started Steve but Ari cut him off.
"I think he needs time alone, too," she said. "To come to terms with all this. Remember, you're sort of a trigger for him. I'm going to take him back to the hotel. Is that cool with you, Soldier?"
The Winter Soldier didn't have it in him to argue so he shrugged. He could do that now—he could shrug and it was fine. There didn't have to be any more definitive answers of "Yes," and "No."
Steve wanted to know where they were staying so Ari gave him her phone number and then wrote down the address for him. "We'll be back," she said. "Maybe this evening. I just think Soldier needs to sleep some of this off. We woke up really early, you know, and we're not all super soldiers."
There was an awkward pause in which the Winter Soldier and Steve both looked at her and she chuckled and said, "Okay, I'm not a super soldier. But I am a nurse and I'm saying that this much over-excitement is going to take its toll on him. Look at him, he's already white as a sheet."
This was true, the Winter Soldier felt tired and amped up all at once but it also felt like his mind was shorting out. He couldn't speak anymore and he didn't have the stamina to dive right into Bucky Barnes' life. So he got to his feet and looked at Steve, unsure of what to do. Hug the man? That was a solid hell no. The Winter Soldier didn't willingly touch people. He settled for hesitantly holding his hand out and Steve shook it in a firm grasp.
"Thanks," he muttered. "For…you know, hearing me out. And getting this stuff for me." He gestured to the box.
"Any time, Bucky," said Steve, looking serious. "I told you before—I'm with you till the end of the line."
A dull throb started up in the Winter Soldier's head as he remembered that day on the helicarrier—the day his entire worldview and existence had been shattered when he realized that he did somehow know this man, that he somehow did have a past, that there was something connecting him to someone on this Earth—and he gave one last look at Steve's bare, somewhat sad townhome and followed Ari out to the car silently.
He needed to close his eyes and not think about this for a while. He needed to vanish into his own mind. He needed to take some time to come to terms with all of this. Luckily for him, he was going to be able to do all that. The idea felt reassuring. He closed his eyes as Ari drove through the streets, her window down, and the warm summer air blew into the car and the Winter Soldier felt a little like the endless cold he had always felt inside him was thawing a little bit.