#10 Never Alone
With all good food and rest he could ever possibly need – not to mention the attention of Kirra, Gawain felt like he was himself within five days time. The bruises had not faded completely, but they were an ugly yellow that meant they were on their way out. Kirra said that his gashes were healing well and that if he continued as he was, they could come out in another five days.
Of course, feeling himself also meant that Gawain was getting bored. For a person used to daily activity, eating and sleeping – now that he had done them both all he wanted, were not as wonderful as he had first thought.
"So, does the physician think that I am fit enough for a ride today?" he asked hopefully one morning after Kirra had changed his bandages.
She stepped back and gave him the once over then shrugged, "I think if you take it easy – nothing wilder then a canter and no jumping, you should be fine."
Gawain could hardly contain his grin of anticipation. He had never gone this long without being astride a horse in his life and the thought of Kirra's elegant mare had his mouth watering. He tugged his shirt on and leaned over to give Kirra an exuberant kiss on the cheek. She flushed a pleased pink that did not go unnoticed.
"Care to come?" he asked.
Kirra shook her head, "I'll take a rain check. There are a few things I have to get settled here, and," she rolled her eyes, "Shay hasn't called yet – you know how she gets, but I'll introduce you to Fate."
The stable was surprisingly small, though bright and clean. Given the size of the house, Gawain would have thought it would have been more spacious. When he mentioned it to Kirra, she shrugged.
"Well, I am the one who cares for the horses, so I wanted something small so there wouldn't be too much for me to muck. Fate and Jin haven't complained about it." She said as she stopped at the smaller of the two stalls. A small mare with large black and white patches and mismatched eyes stuck her head out and whickered eagerly.
"This is Jin," Kirra said fondly as she held a chunk of carrot out. The mare delicately lipped it from her palm then rested her chin on the girl's shoulder as she crunched it up.
"I have never seen a horse with such coloring," Gawain said in astonishment. "Is she supposed to look like that?"
"I'll pretend I didn't hear the mild disgust in your voice," Kirra responded reprovingly. "Yes, Jin is supposed to look this way. She is called a paint. They're actually quite common and I think she is lovely." She scratched the mare under her chin and kissed her nose to prove her point. "He didn't mean to hurt your feelings, sweetheart. He's just a big caveman." She whispered into the mare's white ear, watching if Gawain had heard out of the corner of her eye.
Kirra unlatched the stall door and led the mare out, "Come on."
Gawain frowned at Jin's small size, "I am not sure she's big enough." He said doubtfully.
Kirra laughed, "You aren't going to ride her. I am just going to let her into the pasture to run." She was still giggling as she led the mare outside and came back, halter in hand. She hung it on a nail outside the mare's stall.
"You get to ride Fate."
Gawain snorted, "That's appropriate. That seems like all I have been riding since I met you."
"Funny, huh," Kirra said as she rapped on the next stable door and peered over. "Time to get up, lazy girl." She called cheerfully.
There was a grunt and the sound of straw rustling and then a rumpled black head with a long forelock and bright eyes appeared over the door. Fate grumbled a bit and nudged Kirra's head, demanding her treat.
"She is a pushy one," Kirra said as she held out another carrot chunk. "She thinks she's a princess and far too good for anyone in this stable. You'll have to watch that she doesn't take advantage of your good nature."
Gawain held out a palm for the mare to sniff, which she did – then promptly turned her tail to him and lay down again. Kirra laughed and unlatched the stall door.
"Yeah, I don't think so," She grasped Fate's halter and pulled the mare to her feet. "You get to get out for a little exercise." She explained as she clipped on a lead and led the horse out into the open part of the stable. Kirra secured her, retrieved her grooming tools and started brushing the straw and dust from the mare's dark hide.
"Lazy is she?" Gawain asked as he stood near Fate's head, letting the mare grow accustomed to him.
"She can be," Kirra said not breaking stride. "But I love her and she moves beautifully. It's my fault really, I spoil her," she made a face; "I spoil them both."
She watched as Gawain took a firm hold on the Fate's halter and gently blew in her nostrils. The mare raised her lip, catching the man's scent, then lowered her head and pushed against his chest. He didn't move from his spot and the horse sighed and rested her head on his shoulder as Kirra finished her grooming.
"Well, that was easy. Fate barely tolerates my dad. You must have a gift."
"It's in my blood," He said stroking Fate's silken neck. "Women and horses," He grinned broadly at Kirra's groan.
"That is just wrong." She commented as she left to get saddle and blanket from the small tack closet and started saddling Fate.
"In any case, I think we'll be fine," Gawain said with a low chuckle. "Don't you agree, beautiful?"
Kirra's head whipped up, a sharp retort dying in her throat when she saw it was Fate Gawain had been talking to. She rolled her eyes uncomfortably annoyed.
"I hope she tosses you."
Gawain gave Kirra a pained look, "Kirra, I was born on the back of a horse. Do you think I am going to let one as docile as Fate throw me? What kind of Sarmatian would I be to allow that?"
Kirra's expression changed subtly and something unreadable passed over her striking features, "I don't know." She murmured. And she didn't know. She had no idea what a Sarmatian should be or shouldn't be. It was something to think about
"Well, I think that should do it. Mount up and I'll adjust the stirrups. I have a feeling they'll be a touch too short for you."
"Most likely," he said patting her condescendingly on the head as he passed.
"Ha – ha," Kirra said. "Get up there, will you."
Gawain pulled himself up. It felt wonderful to be back on a horse again. Kirra adjusted the stirrups, then took Fate's bridle in hand, leading horse and rider outside. Jin's looked up from where she grazed on the lush grass of the pasture and she whinnied a greeting to her stable mate.
"Alright, you have miles to explore. Just don't cross any roads or open any gates. And you," -- she kissed Fate's nose -- "No craziness and take care of him. I don't want to have to patch him up any more." She backed away and when she smiled up at Gawain, something was missing from her smile. "Have fun."
He watched Kirra for a second, then nudged Fate who tossed her head before taking off towards the wooded hills at a full out gallop. Kirra shook her head in exasperation and hoped none of her careful stitches came out. She watched until horse and rider had disappeared into the trees then turned to go back in.
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Gawain came in following his ride, disheveled and still tingling from the freedom it allowed him feel, and followed the sound of Kirra's music to the upper-most room of the house. He found her sitting with her back to the door bowed over something in her lap. The softly curling ends of her dark hair brushed the floor collecting dust. She turned her head when Gawain entered the room and he caught sight of a glimmering tear track on her face before she wiped it away.
He crossed the room and sat down beside her. She was staring at a small … photo, he remembered the word from earlier without too much difficulty. Tears dripped down her face as she gazed at it.
"What is it?" He asked in concern.
She passed the photo to him; it was of the child Kirra and her parents. Their arms were thrown around each other and huge grins were plastered on their faces. Kirra looked absolutely blissful and her mother was smiling through tears. Gawain couldn't picture a happier family. He looked up in confusion not understanding Kirra's sorrow.
"It was the day that my parents adopted me." She explained as she sniffed and wiped at her eyes, "It was a good day. Nobody seemed to know where I had come from. It was if I had just appeared one day. By the time I met the couple who would be my parents; I had been there for so long and I was so lost and confused. Then they came and all that fear went away. They were wonderful."
Gawain handed the photo back to Kirra then reached for a pile of pictures and flipped through them. They were all of Kirra growing up.
There was one of her and her first dog, Mab. One of her proudly astride Fate for the first time, at the auction house collecting Jin, another was a goofy picture of her hanging upside down from a tree branch and yet another with her parents on her sixteenth birthday. They were all pictures of her life and he thought they were amazing.
"It will be hard for you to leave them won't it?"
"Yes and harder knowing that it will be like I never existed. All of those," -- she gestured to the pictures -- "really won't even be memories, just blanks. I wonder what the goddess will fill their heads with."
"You know," Gawain started cautiously. "It may be for the best that they don't remember you."
Kirra blinked at him betrayal bright in her eyes, "What? Why?"
"Would it not be worse for them if you just one day disappeared and they could not find you?"
Kirra bit her lip. It would be worse for her parents if she was just gone one day, but she didn't want to believe it. She looked at Gawain, her eyes the bleak grey of the sky before a storm, and said in a small voice, "I'll be alone again."
Gawain was struck by the expression of absolute grief on her face. It struck at his heart because he knew that look. It was the same he had worn when he was taken from his family, certain he would die before it was time to return to them.
To her, he realized suddenly, to be forgotten, would be worse then death. Even those of his family who had remained behind could and would remember their lost ones. Hers never would. He scooted closer to her and pushed her dark hair over her shoulder before cupping her cheek gently. She closed her eyes and leaned into his hand, a single tear slid from under her lashes to trickle down his fingers.
Kirra took a sobbing breath, "What am I to do?"
Gawain watched her tear fall to the floor and answered her softly, "The only thing you can do -- grieve and then live."
He gathered her close to him and settled her against his chest, she felt good there. As she cried, Gawain rocked her and murmured into her thick hair, "You'll never be alone, Kirra."