Chapter 4: And Still
Chapter Text
"And still
the world stood still
I couldn't move
and all I could feel
was this aching in my heart
Saying I loved him still"
And Still - Reba McEntire
It's been another long day in court and even longer day avoiding the press. All Alicia wants is a bottle of wine, not just a few glasses she wants the whole damn "crack pipe." The smart ass comment brings a smile to her face and reminds her of her daughter, Grace. She decides on pizza for dinner again and while she drives to the pizza parlor she thinks someday things will slow down enough for her to fix dinner for her family. She orders their usual and as she stands at the counter to pay she glances idly around the restaurant. When she turns around she sees him. Suddenly he's there - in all the restaurants, in all the pizza parlors in this town a population of almost 3 million people she sees him. It had to be him. When she sees him in the courtroom or in the safety of her law firm she's prepared, it's not easy but she can deal. Seeing him like this with no warning kills her, it's terrifying. She wants it to be like before when they were at least civil, she wishes it were like that now so she would know what to say to him, and she wouldn't want to crawl out a bathroom window. This isn't her, only he can do this to her. She glances around quickly slightly frantic, but there's nowhere to run nowhere to hide. Just like so many situations Alicia finds herself in these days, she's stuck. So she stares. The ever confident, poised and unflappable, Alicia Florrick, is speechless.
PIZZA! That's the only thought on his mind as he leaves the office. It seems the older he gets as all of his friends are discovering fancy new-fangled diets and are trying to get healthier he's discovering that he loves the diet of his Georgetown days pizza and beer. Maybe it just means he wants the simpler times of law school funny when he thinks about that, it reminds him how in law school all he wanted was out now he'd give anything to be back in. His mind is so far in the past and locked on other things he doesn't realize it's her at first. Then like being hit by a Mack truck on the freeway doing 70 the realization slams into him. Suddenly he's frozen to the spot. God she's beautiful no matter how much he hates her he can't deny it, in fact it makes him hate her more that she can still look so beautiful when everything should be falling apart. He can't help it, every time he sees her he thinks how beautiful she is, in the courtroom when she's full of fire for her client or when she's putting judges or ASAs in their place. He thinks it every time he sees the flash of her face on the T.V. screen, but it does her no justice to see her here like this, he always thought she was the most beautiful at the end of the day when she would let out that little hidden bit of herself. He thanks whatever powers that be for the few moments that he has to stare before she see him those few moments before another awkward moment in his recent all too awkward life. He has no words but he knows he should say something.
It seems to Alicia the longest span of time ever occurs in those few seconds. This is easily one of the most awkward moments in her life. She stammers, why is she stammering? She manages to get out the single word "Hi" at the same time that Will stammers out the same greeting and suddenly there's no one else in the world they are the only two people and at that very moment in the awkward silence, with the realization of what one of her best relationships has become Alicia feels the last remaining piece of her heart shatters - it'll never be the way it was, it'll never be casual and carefree like it was - without help every chance meeting would be like this - strangers with an intimate knowledge of each other. Alicia is never more grateful of her two children than at that moment when she can use them as an excuse. She stammers out the excuse to leave and a hurried goodbye. As she walks to her car she hopes to herself that the next time they see each other she'll have a better grasp on the situation, and maybe when she sees him again she won't feel that ache in her heart that reminds her that no matter how hard she tries, she still loves him, sure she loves her family even the bastard she's married to but some part of her was leading her in the right direction so many years ago when she fell into Will's arms and that part of her will always love him. She'll never admit it and as she cries herself to sleep that night she thinks about the conversation with her brother in their hotel room so many years ago, it seems she'll live her life - conflicted.