#38 Life
Kirra wouldn't leave her room for weeks after the battle. She slept little, ate less, and refused to see anyone. Much of the time even Gawain was sent away. She couldn't bear to have him looking at her, loving her, forgiving her when she couldn't do those things for herself. Even at Gawain's urging, she had shown no interest in returning to heal others. Her healing House stood empty and forlorn. Her garden untended. Not even Finn, with his silly grin could break through her silence.
Out of loneliness, the big dog had become Galahad's shadow. Trailing the youngest knight everywhere he went, confused at the emotions he felt coming from the humans, Finn relied upon Galahad for feeding and attention. To see the gray dog without his mistress was one more sad reminder to the men that Kirra could not yet joined them. The men were strained and uncomfortable.
Tristan had healed and grew stronger each day. He was heartsick for his sister and grew increasingly frustrated when it became apparent he could do nothing to help her. He spent more and more time alone in the forest with his helplessness. Which was safer for all.
Bors hugged his children close to him, glad that he hadn't had to make the choice Kirra had.
But it was Lancelot who had changed the most, guilt ate at him. He could hardly stand to be in Gawain's or even Tristan's presence, though the men didn't blame him. His days were spent in practice, working his body so hard that he didn't have time to think. His nights were spent alone, the thought of turning to a whore for comfort, knotting his stomach. He took over the care of Fate and Jin, allowing no other to see to the mares' needs. In some small measure it helped him feel that he could repay what Kirra had done for him. The animals did not blame him and in their presence he felt almost normal.
In time, it was made known that Arthur and Guinevere would marry, but there was little joy in the announcement. It would be put off until things had returned to normal, though day by day Arthur grew more and more certain that would never happen.
Until one beautiful spring morning.
Standing at her window, staring at nothing, feeling nothing but the unending anguish, Kirra felt something more, a tickle in her abdomen. Shocked she held her breath and waited as something bumped her again, soft but insistent, like a butterfly knocking against a closed window.
Tears came to her eyes even as they brightened. How forgetful she had been. How neglectful of the twin who had been growing stronger all this time waiting for the right time to make his presence known. She pressed a trembling hand to her mouth and darted for the door, pausing only to grab her shawl, then raced from her room.
She found Gawain sitting at a dark table in the back of the noisy tavern. A half drunk tankard sat in front of him, but he was uninterested. She stared at him in shock. His normally open and smiling face was dark and sullen. There was no sparkle in his blue eyes only a blankness that made her heart ache. Instead of taking part in the revelry happening all around he sat sullen and silent, moving and speaking only to brush off the occasional wench who attempted to proposition him now that Kirra was seemingly out of the picture.
Gawain was wrenched from his empty, bleak thoughts when a familiar voice called his name. He looked up and was surprised to see Kirra standing in the doorway. She was thin and wan, but her eyes were glowing and her cheeks were flushed. A smile to rival the sun lit her. He got to his feet and moved towards her quickly when she beckoned frantically to him, afraid that something else might be wrong.
"What is it?" He asked urgently a worried frown creasing his brow.
She grabbed his and pulled him from the noise and confusion of the building, "Come and see."
He allowed himself to be dragged a few paces before stopping the hysterical woman. Placing his hands on her painfully thin shoulders he asked, "What is it, Kirra? What is wrong?"
She laughed giddily and Gawain's heart sank. Her grief had finally driven her mad. He placed an arm around her and began to forcibly lead her toward her room. She immediately stopped laughing and asked, "Where are we going?"
"Shhh. It's all right. Everything is going to be fine." He spoke softly and soothingly, hoping to calm her madness.
Kirra dug in her heals and ducked from under his arm. She stood with her hands on her hips and asked, "Just what are you talking about? I came here to show you something very important and you get all weird on me?"
Gawain gestured, "But you were the one who went weird." He said, borrowing her word.
She frowned, "How's that?"
"Coming here," He gestured toward the building and continued, "laughing like some raving lunatic."
Kirra's eyes widened at his comment and she opened her mouth to speak, but her words were spoken over.
"--Really Kirra, you hardly talk to anyone for weeks, then hunt me down at the tavern, which you are loathe to enter, even before. You are laughing and rambling on about something. Your appearance is greatly changed."
Kirra bristled at that remark. She may have not been speaking to anyone, eating or sleeping, but she had certainly kept herself clean. Her hair and come loose from its braid on the mad dash over, but it could hardly be called dirty or uncombed. It hung in waves down her back. Her clothes hung on her somewhat thin frame, but they were clean as was she – thanks to the girl Arthur had found to do her washing. Finally, tired of Gawain's little rant, she stepped forward and placed a gentle hand over his mouth. She knew when she saw his eyes glitter angrily that had she been anyone else, she would probably have been drop-kicked into next week.
"Shhh. It's all right. Everything is going to be fine." She said smiling at his glower and framing his face with her small hands, restlessly attempting to smooth away his anger.
He said nothing as she reached for one of his large hands and gently placed it on the bump of her stomach, pressing it firmly. He raised an eyebrow and started to speak.
"Be quiet," She ordered and then her smile grew as his eyes widened in amazement.
"Was that--?" Gawain steadied his hand on her stomach.
"Yes." She squealed.
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
His brow furrowed, "But I thought --"
"There were two."
"Two?"
Kirra giggled, "Oh, what powers of speech you have. Yes, two." Then she cocked her head to the side and questioned, "Didn't Lancelot tell you?"
"No," Gawain replied somewhat distractedly. He was staring hard at her belly as if he could see the small, precious life through its mother's veil of flesh.
"I thought he had," Her voice softened, "I am so sorry, Gawain. For everything, for … for pushing you away, not letting you in. It was wrong." The words tumbled over one another and she hung her head, "I've been incredibly selfish."
It was at these words that Gawain lifted his head, "You weren't." he grinned, "And don't ruin the moment with your womanly chatter. Can't you see I am bonding with my ..." He looked to her in question, not doubting that she would know the answer.
"Son," Kirra supplied.
She hadn't thought he could get more excited, but at her pronouncement, Gawain grabbed her up and swung her around and around and this time he was laughing like a madman. So much so that the people in the tavern had left what they were doing to see what the commotion was about.
"Gawain, I am going to throw up." Kirra said and the man set her gently on her feet and looked into her eyes.
"You are sure?" He asked one final time as if he was unable to help himself.
"Oh yes, you keep spinning me like that and you'll be sorry."
He stared at her with a pained expression.
Kirra laughed, "Okay, okay, yes, I'm sure. He will be dark, like my family." Her eyes darkened and she looked away, "His brother was fair, like you." she sorrowfully whispered the words, wondering if she would ever be able to feel normal. But then it was as if a small child had thrown his arms around her waist and buried his head in her stomach. She gasped at the feeling of thin, strong arms around her and the rush of love she felt coming from somewhere outside herself and realized that even though she would never forget the sight of her small courageous son, life would go on and it was all right to be happy.
Gawain touched her down turned head, "Are you all right, Kirra?"
She looked up, tears spilling down her cheeks and nodded, "I'm better than all right." The thin arms withdrew and Kirra was not alone and never would be.
Gawain turned and yelled to the waiting crowd, "I am going to have a son." Then looked at Kirra standing there, glowing and blushing, in the late spring sun and restated in a somewhat more subdued voice, "We are going to have a son."
Behind them the crown cheered.