One chapter to go after this -- I'll update soon. It has been so much fun and I thank all of you for your support.
Enjoy!!!
#39 Mother
Niara was doing a bit of last minute cleaning when she heard a knock at her door. Opening it, she was surprised to find a very distraught Lil standing on her doorstep. The poor woman looked as though she had not eaten for many days and had not slept for many more. She wrung her hands and fought back tears as she asked for admittance.
"Yes, yes. By all means please do come in and have a cup of tea. It will do you good, my dear." The Fate said, trying not to show her shock at the usually fastidious woman's haggard appearance.
Lil's soft brown hair hung lank and a bit untidy, as if she had given only a half a mind to it earlier that day and then promptly forgot about it. Dark circles painted her lower lids, causing her already large eyes to now take her face over completely. It looked as though she had aged many years since the last time Niara had seen her. Her clothing was several sizes too big and disheveled and it seemed she could not bring herself to look Niara straight in the face. She sat when Niara made the suggestion and accepted the tea she was given but made no move to drink it.
Before Niara had a chance to sit, Lil said, "I know you must think that I am crazy, to visit you like this. I know I am not allowed on this land, but I have been unable to concentrate on much of anything lately and I have the strangest feeling that you, somehow, have a hand in my discomfort."
Niara smiled sympathetically, "I am sorry to hear about your divorce, it was unfortunate, but how do you think that I am responsible?"
Lil's haunted green eyes met the Fate's ageless ones, "There is a hole in the place of my heart," she said placing a hand over her chest, "a hole my husband and shrink said was totally unfounded and based solely upon the trauma of my past miscarriages." Her voice was bitter and hard. "But I know that's not it. I know there is something missing from my life." At this she set her mug down forcefully, tea slopping over the rim and splashing the little table, "I know there is something gone that should be here."
Niara smiled gently. She had not thought that this woman who was not Kirra's mother would have such a bond with the girl, that she would be susceptible to the removal of her memories, but that seemed not to be the case. "What do you think should be there, Lil?" She asked.
Lil stood suddenly and walked over to the front window. She stood looking out onto the bright autumn day and wrapped her thin arms around herself, "That's just it, I don't know. Ever since Scott and I returned from our vacation several years ago, and I walked into the house to find it empty … I don't know … there is just something missing." She turned to look at the Fate and her empty expression chilled Niara, "It has upset my life and I can't take much more of it, this paranoia, misplaced trauma, or … oh, I don't know what it is." She covered her face in her hands in misery and confusion and stood still for a minute before bringing her head up to again look out the window.
It was a beautiful day outside, bright golden and warm, yet Lil felt none of it. She instead saw grey, felt grey. Her world had narrowed to one thing — the search. The search for what, she did not know, all she did know, and she knew it with her whole soul, was that there was indeed something missing from her life that had been there three years previous, before she had left on a long awaited vacation with her husband.
In that first year, she had felt to talk to the old woman who lived on her husband's land of her … emptiness. The woman had never laughed at her or called her foolish or insist that she spend more time with her doctor. She had listened and nodded sympathetically and offered a shoulder to cry on and a cup of soothing tea.
As the years had stretched into three, Scott grew more and more weary of the badgering and finally, tired and annoyed at her, filed for divorce leaving Lil to work through her problems herself. The feeling that Niara knew more then she was letting on grew until this day, when Lil had woken to that great yawning hole and knew she had to confront the old woman about it and finally gain the truth or give up and fade into the emptiness her life had become.
She turned slowly to face the old woman sitting serenely in her chair as she had been on countless other occasions, "I know you know something, are a part of something. How I know is a mystery, but it is there. I feel it. Help me," she pled shamelessly, "Help me, please, before I really do go as insane as Scott and Dr. Fields say I am."
Niara sat silent for almost too long. She raised her old eyes to the distraught mother and smiled wanly, "I never thought this would happen," she said softly, "that you would love so much that your soul would feel the loss, even when your head could not." She placed her cup beside Lil's on the little sofa table and rose decidedly, "Come with me, my dear."
She took Lil's frail hand and led her to the edge of the forest that bordered the small property. On the faint breeze, the scent of herbs warmed by the sun could be smelled and it acted as a balm for Lil's troubled heart.
"Follow that small path there, through the trees, and you will find what it is you seek." She said, catching Lil's weary glance and holding it for a heartbeat of time.
"How will I know when I have found it?" The woman asked, not taking her haunted eyes from the trees.
The Fate smiled softly, "You will know. Now go." And she let go Lil's hand.
Lil nearly ran through the trees, hardly taking in where she was or the changing of the flora around her. She ran and then walked for what seemed like an eternity before stopping to catch her breath and think that maybe the old woman, tired of her whining, had sent her into the woods to die. Her eyes grew hard at the thought but she continued on defiantly. If she was to die in these woods, so be it, death would be a better alternative to living a half life in which everyone thought you were crazy.
She continued until late afternoon when she suddenly came to an abrupt edge of the forest. Moving from of the dim forest into the bright light of the lowering sun blinded her for a moment. When at last she could see, she saw that she was standing on the top of a gently rolling hill. At the bottom she heard before she saw a woman laughingly bid farewell to a friend. As the woman turned, Lil could see that she was heavily pregnant and moving happily, if not somewhat uncomfortably, swinging a small basket and humming a jaunty tune.
The woman wore strange clothing that fit a different era altogether. A long dress with another over it, Lil seemed to remember reading somewhere that it was called a kirtle and an apron. Her long dark hair was braided into a thick braid that hung over one shoulder but her head was covered with a kerchief in a modern style that looked out of place with her clothing. But it was the woman's eyes that sent memories bursting forth in Lil's head like an unstoppable waterfall. They were unusual eyes; eyes that flashed like stars come to earth as she suddenly stopped dead in her tracks and gazed at Lil with a mixture of shock and disbelief.
"Mom?" the woman asked hesitantly. Hope and disbelief rang in equal parts in her husky voice and she brushed a loose tendril of dark hair from her face as she peered up at Lil.
Then in a second Lil's once empty and aching arms were overflowing with her child as Kirra threw herself at her mother and immediately began to smother her in kisses and ever tightening embraces.
"Kirra? Oh, my baby, my daughter. Where have you been? Why did you leave?" Lil was sobbing openly and tears were trickling down Kirra's face as well.
"How did you get here?" Kirra asked softly, then softer still, almost to herself, "How did you remember?"
"It was Niara." Lil gasped between sobs, "She told me where to find you." She had yet to relinquish her hold on Kirra. The women laughed and cried and laughed some more before Kirra noted the position of the sun.
"Come on, Mom." She said taking Lil's hand and squeezing it. She spoke slowly, the English coming only after she had thought about it, "Come to my home and tell me everything."
Lil sniffed, she was managing, now that she had her daughter, to get herself under control. "Your home?"
Kirra laughed gaily, "Yes, my home. Come, it isn't far. If I am not home soon, Gawain will start to get worried."
"Gawain?" Lil nearly squeaked in surprise.
Again Kirra laughed and gestured to her bulging abdomen, "Yes. You don't think I got this way by myself, do you? Come."
They soon reached a bright little cottage not far from a bustling town, but still far enough that it was peaceful and quiet with only the sounds of the birds in the trees and the few chickens scratching in the yard to interrupt the evening. As Kirra opened the door and led her mother in, Lil saw that it was a neat little place. The last of the season's flowers were tucked here and there, while fragrant bunches of dried herbs hung from the ceiling. There was a small table, two chairs, and a fire smoldering in the hearth. A curtain hung over a doorway on one wall leading Lil to believe a bedroom was hidden from view.
"It isn't much," Kirra said, "but it's our own and thankfully private." She set her basket down and bustled about stirring up the fire, putting water on to boil, and getting herbs and cups ready.
Lil sat in a near stupor watching the quick efficient movements of her daughter. It seemed that the pregnancy was doing little to slow her down. Kirra looked the same as always, except for the small worry lines that could be seen at times on her brow. Lil wondered what could have given a young woman such age lines. When the water was ready Kirra crumbled herbs into it and pulled it off the fire to steep. She sat down heavily and sighed, rubbing her burgeoning stomach.
"How did you get here, Mom?" She asked.
Kirra sat in astonishment as her mother recounted the story of coming home and finding something not quite right. She was told of the countless doctors Lil had seen, of the medications they had prescribed for her. Lil told Kirra through a veil of tears of Scott's harshness and disbelief at what he termed her 'foolishness'. She told her of the horrible divorce, of the humility that she felt and the discomfort that Scott had put her through. Every moment, every thought, every heartbreaking tear was talked of and as Lil told it her heart became lighter and once again joy brightened her eyes.
Every so often, someone would interrupt the narrative, knocking at the open door and asking for Kirra. Kirra would rise from her chair to listen to them as they gestured or cried, clearly asking for assistance, then she would smile apologetically at her mother before bustling about a wall of shelves that held many different jars and bottles until she had assembled what she needed and handed over what ever it was to the waiting person. Often times, she would take a chicken and release it in the yard to scratch with the others, or a basket of fruit or vegetables, or some other thing in what Lil understood to be payment for her services.
At the end of Lil's narrative, Kirra sat silent as she examined her mother with regretful grey eyes, "I am sorry that you had to go through that because of me. I never thought Dad could be like that." She stated in a hard voice as her eyes grew to match.
Lil surprised at the hardness, waved it away, "He had always been like that, but got better once we adopted you. Truth be known, he never wanted children. I felt it was a miracle when he finally relented to the adoption. But never mind. It doesn't matter now. I have found you and even when I go back, I will be able to live again. But tell me, how could you just leave me like that? Without a note, without a good-bye?"
Kirra pushed the stubborn tendril back behind her ear and sighed heavily, "I was told that the memories would be taken from you and it would be as if I had never existed." She shifted uncomfortably in her chair.
"But, Kirra," Lil said reaching out a hand to her little daughter, "A mother's heart never forgets. No matter if her child is her blood or not."
Kirra smiled, suddenly sad, "I understand that now, Mom." She said as she withdrew her hand and stroked her swollen belly with it.
"Now," Lil said with a grin, "How did this happen?"
But her question was momentarily forgotten by the arrival of a tall man who looked older than he should have, much like Kirra. Long blonde hair hung down his back and a rather large axe and equally huge knife hung from his belt. He entered the home and had bent to kiss Kirra and stroke her stomach with surprisingly gentle hands, all the while asking questions in the same rapid-fire language as the other visitors had spoken in, before he noticed just who exactly was sitting at his table. His fine blue eyes grew wide and he grew quiet as Kirra laughed.
"Mom, this is Gawain. He would be how this happened." She stated gesturing to her stomach.
Lil's eyes strayed unconsciously to Kirra's left hand, where no ring lay. "But, Kirra…"
Kirra reached out a reassuring hand, "It's legal -- we wed before we came here. Some three years back." She pulled the chain that held her ring out, "My ring is too small right now." She looked to the man, who had his head cocked quizzically, and asked a brief question. The man nodded and said something to which Kirra pursed her lips and gave a thoughtful retort. The man shook his head stubbornly and repeated whatever it was he had said previously.
Kirra laughed, "Okay, he says it was not quite three years ago."
"Is this the, ah, first?" Lil asked carefully.
"Oh, yes," Kirra said and the man interrupted with something.
Lil looked to Kirra, who smiled fondly at her husband, "He wants me to tell you that you will have a grandson. He's rather proud of that fact, if you couldn't notice."
Lil looked up at the young man and it was clear she was more than a little concerned about him being father to her daughter's child. He looked the type to, well, do horrible things to little children, not father them. It was hard to imagine a tiny, new baby lying safely in his arms, though at the moment he could hardly contain the warm, excited smile that practically split his face and lit his eyes.
Lil decided it had to have been those eyes that first captured her daughter. She was unable to hold to her previous thought while having the full force of those happy blue eyes turned on her. She rose immediately and embraced the man tightly. After a moment's hesitation he returned the embrace.
As Lil watched Kirra and her husband interact, it was apparent that they were entirely wrapped up in each other. The young man seemed to be unable to keep himself from touching Kirra in some way as they spoke. He knelt by her side and stroked her stomach or touched her knee. It was clear he was entranced by Kirra and from the glint in Kirra's eye and adoring tone of her voice, it was clear she felt the same. It was comforting to know that Kirra was happy and that she was being well taken care of.
After a time it became apparent that Gawain was questioning Kirra, no doubt about Lil's presence, and as Kirra answered him, Lil was content to sit back and simply listen to her daughter. Her voice had changed become fuller, more womanly, but she spoke gently and thoughtfully, so unlike the Kirra that Lil remembered. That Kirra had been a little loud and a little volatile at times -- a typical teenager. But here she was barely out of those teen years, about to be a mother and speaking as if she had lived several lifetimes in the three years she had been away from home. Lil wondered what it was that had changed her typical teenager into this self-possessed woman who now sat in front of her.
Towards the end of the conversation, the young man said something to which Kirra's eyes grew wide and bright and she stood up in sudden excitement. She turned to Lil, "Gawain just told me that Tristan has sent word. He will be home later this night."
"Gawain, Tristan?" Lil asked speculatively, the names just now clicking in her brain. She knew the stories.
Kirra recognized the look and smiled wryly, "Yes, you have just entered the real version of the story, Mom." She explained. "We are to meet at the keep for supper. Apparently, Tristan found something that shortened his trip considerably."
"What? And who exactly is Tristan?" Lil asked.
"Oh, I forgot." Kirra said, with a little shake of her head, "I am bit absent minded lately. Tristan is my brother." She grinned, "You will see that for yourself tonight, if we are still awake when he gets home and it seems that he ran into a group of Sarmatians on their way here."
Before Lil could frame another question, the man looked out the door and said something to Kirra then looked at Lil and back at Kirra.
"Gawain says that we should be leaving and that we need to find you something suitable to wear."
Lil looked down at her jeans and sweatshirt, "This is all I have."
Kirra thoughtfully rubbed her stomach, "You can't fit into my clothes, even pre-pregnancy." Her eyes lit and she rattled off something to her husband. He ran his eyes over Lil's thin frame as he considered her suggestion, then nodded and smiled.
"It seems that we both think that you are about the same height and build as the queen," Lil's eyebrow raised in question and Kirra nodded in answer, "We will just borrow a couple of gowns from her. I can get a seamstress here tomorrow. Mara owes me. But we had better go." Kirra said, taking Lil's hand and leading her from the house. It was darkening outside and Lil was surprised at how the time had gone by without her being aware of it.
Kirra called to her husband and made to walk around the side of the house. The man retorted sharply and shook his head at her, to which Kirra rolled her eyes and protested. Again the man shook his head. His voice softened just a bit at the stubborn set of Kirra's chin and the toss of her braid over her shoulder. She looked at her mother crossly.
"We have to walk. The caveman won't let me ride."
She sounded cross, but Lil was sure she saw a glimmer of enjoyment at the little argument in Kirra's eyes.
"I should say not!" Lil exclaimed.
"Truthfully, I know." Kirra quietly admitted to Lil when Gawain was out of earshot, "But it is so much fun to watch his eyes turn that violent shade of blue. He looks so fierce, I can't help it."
"You always were a handful." Lil said fondly, throwing a loving arm over her shoulder. Kirra grinned and slipped her arm through Gawain's after her mother let her go.
Lil was painfully aware of the strange glances her strangely dressed person drew. She asked Kirra many questions to keep from feeling too self-conscious, "Now sweetheart, who are the Sarmatians?" She asked.
"They are a group of nomadic people, well many tribes actually, who the Romans conquered generations ago. They were nearly decimated, all but their horse … uh …" Kirra fought to remember the English word, then gave up with a shrug, "troop. In order for their lives to be spared, they swore an oath that their children and their children's children would ever after serve the Roman Empire for a term of fifteen years." Kirra grew quiet and her eyes were again darkened in some unnamed sorrow, "They are my people, and Gawain's, though we are of different tribes." She glanced up at her husband, "Most all die before their term of service it finished. Of the nearly fifty who came with Gawain a mere fifteen years ago, only seven remain. And they, only by sheer luck."
The young man looked at Kirra in concern at the sorrow in her voice. He said something softly to her and nearly turned around again to lead her back to their home, but Kirra waved him off and soon brightened.
"It is said that we are descended from the Amazons." She said. "I am not so sure about that, I find it hard to believe that there would be a five foot four Amazon anywhere, but that is the popular belief."
About that time they had made it through the town and to a large home in the center. Many people, almost everyone they saw, greeted Kirra or stopped to speak with her. Gawain said something after such an encounter.
Kirra laughed as she translated, "Gawain says to let you know that I am somewhat of an important person here, actually the word he used is closer translated to celebrity."
"What do you do?" Lil asked in wonder.
"I am simply a healer," Kirra said as if she were merely stating the fact. "Nothing more."
Lil looked at her daughter in wonder.
They entered the home and were escorted to a well furnished room. A servant brought cups of wine for Gawain and Lil, but returned with water at a request from Kirra. Kirra spoke to the servant for a moment and soon another young woman, younger then Kirra, approached them and greeted both Kirra and Gawain with kisses on both cheeks.
"Mom, this is Guinevere." Kirra said grinning at her mother's gasp of surprise. "If you are ready, we'll get you dressed and ready for supper." About that time a dark haired young man had entered the room and with curious looks at Lil, had sidled up to Kirra's husband to get the gossip.
It was not long before Lil was dressed and her hair had been intricately braided and woven around her head. As she looked into the polished brass mirror, she thought that it had been a long time since she had ever thought she looked beautiful, but tonight she did. The dark green gown flattered her thin frame and brought out the color of her eyes, and the brief walk had put the pink back in her cheeks. Kirra and the queen hovered over her and laughed gaily as they dressed her.
She re-entered the room where Gawain and now others waited, somewhat timidly, unsure how these people would receive her and afraid of the language barrier. She was immediately put at ease when everyone clustered about her and Kirra made the introductions. The men pressed her hand with somber eyes, except for one, who kissed the back of her hand, causing Lil to blush at such a formal gesture, and with a sidelong glance and said something Kirra which made her groan and shake her head.
"And this would be Lancelot," Kirra explained as the tall man straightened and watched with amused, dark eyes. He nodded to Kirra as if to prod her into telling all he had said, "He says that you look far too young to have a daughter as old as I am. Truth be told, he believes himself charming so don't encourage him."
Lil laughed at the man, who was indeed charming, as he turned to Kirra and pressed a kisses to her cheek by way of greeting. His grin turned suddenly roguish as he touched Kirra's belly and said a few words to her, which caused Gawain, at the other end of the room, to glance over in exasperation and Kirra thump his chest with her small fist, although Lil noted her daughter was laughing as she did it.
Kirra turned, still laughing to Lil to make the final introduction. He was a tall unassuming man, unassuming that is until Lil met his eyes. They were a clear green, somber and piercing. His smile was reserved but gentle as he firmly pressed Lil's hand and inclined his head to her.
"This is Arthur, Mom, the king." Kirra said in a very unimpressed voice.
The king's expression became concerned at Lil's sharp intake of breath and he looked to Kirra as he posed a question. Kirra waved it away and made a short reply to which Arthur nodded and again gave Lil his quiet smile. He searched Lil's eyes and made a small speech. At his words the other men grew silent and watchful as Kirra translated.
"He wants to thank you for raising me and letting me return to save his men."
When Kirra was finished the men cheered and lifted their cups to Lil, who blushed. Kirra was beaming and caught her mother up in a tight hug.
"I don't know what to say." Lil said.
"You don't have to say anything," Kirra replied. "They are just grateful to you."
At that moment a servant came in and announced that dinner was ready and the small crowd made its way to a room that held a table that fairly groaned under the weight of the food atop it. Lil found her mouth watering and realized for the first time in years that she was really hungry. Fortunately, it seemed that everyone was equally famished and as soon as the king had spoken a few words, all tucked in.
The meal was a fine one and entertaining and Kirra translated for Lil as best she could all of the conversations going on around them. She told Lil about each of the men seated at the table. How they had come to find Guinevere and the boy who sat near the giant of the group. She spoke of each of the absent bastards -- who were no longer bastards, as their parent's had wed a month ago. She told her mother of the adventures she had in the years since she had returned. She spoke of the men who had fallen, in particularly of Gareth and his role in what had transpired at the hill. Lil was amazed to realize that there was indeed magic in the world, or perhaps with the onslaught of science, it had become unnecessary and had faded into the background. Kirra told her what she had remembered of her childhood before she had been found at the orphanage.
Lil noticed that the men treated Kirra with a sort of brotherly affection. They spoke to her frequently and the ones who sat near her pushed food on her shamelessly. Kirra took the attention in stride and laughed along with them. It was clear she was important to them.
It was much later as Kirra was beginning to show signs of exhaustion when a messenger whispered to the king that his knight had arrived with his guests. Gawain helped Kirra to her feet and led her to the stables, where a small group of people on horseback were dismounting. Lil saw Kirra's weary eyes go bright once again when she spotted one man in particular as he helped an old woman from a tall dark horse. Kirra broke from her husband and threw her arms around the man.
He was tall and lanky and moved with a surprising grace as he caught Kirra and hugged her back. Wild dark hair hid most of his face, but when the hair fell away, Lil saw the resemblance between him and Kirra. This must be the arriving Tristan. Kirra stood talking to him, obviously relieved he was back safely.
She gestured to Lil. "Mom, this," It was hard not to hear the pride and adoration in her voice, "is Tristan, and this," she turned to politely introduce the old woman her brother had helped dismount, and stopped abruptly. Her face fell at her first sight of the old woman's dark eyes, eyes that were the same shape as her own and Tristan's. The woman was also her height and though older -- there were skeins of silver running through the dark hair that was knotted at the nape of her neck -- she moved with the same quick grace that Kirra did. Kirra looked to her brother, confusion written on her features.
The man smiled and for an instant his eyes lit and he nodded and said one word. Kirra breathed the word in a voice reserved for prayers, "My mother."
Kirra was suddenly so overcome, she thought she would faint. Lil stepped back so that her mother could gently take her face in her hands and kiss her cheeks. Laina, Tristan called her, searched Kirra's eyes for what seemed to be an eternity before enfolding her in warm arms, arms that Kirra remembered the moment they had been brought around her.
"We had thought you dead and lost to the wolves." She breathed in Kirra's ear, "And here you stand, goddess be praised." She held her silently weeping daughter away from her, so to better examine her and Kirra saw that Laina's eyes were the same shade as Tristan's, but in looking at Laina, Kirra knew exactly what she would look like when she got older. Laina was gentle and calm and she at once broke into a huge smile at the sight of Kirra's protruding belly.
"And who is the man who blesses you so?" She asked.
Kirra dashed the tears from her face, "Oh, yes." She looked around for Gawain and he moved forward, somewhat reluctantly. Kirra grasped his hand tightly, "This is my husband, Laina, Gawain."
If Kirra's calling her by her name instead of by her title bothered Laina, she hid it well. She looked Gawain up and down, assessing him in an instant. Tristan had related Kirra's story on the ride over, but to see the fair Alanni who was her daughter's mate was still a shock. But Laina was skilled in hiding her emotions, a trait that her youngest son had inherited. If Tristan, who was Kirra's last remaining male relative had thought highly enough of the man to allow the relationship to continue, than it was not for Laina to reject the man.
She smiled at Gawain as she framed his face with her hands and brought his head down to hers. Laina placed his forehead to hers and whispered something in a language familiar to Kirra, but one she could not understand. Then she abruptly let him go and turned to her daughter.
"And who is this?" She asked of the woman who stood to the side of Kirra.
Kirra beamed and in the same tone she had used when introducing Tristan to Lil, she introduced her adoptive mother to her birth mother. Laina immediately took the younger mother's hands in her own. Tears fell down her cheeks and she blessed Lil for the fine job she had done in raising Kirra. Lil cried also and thanked Laina for Kirra.
It was learned later the others in the arriving group, were relatives who had accompanied Laina on her journey. As the fifteen years had come to a close, she had begun having dreams about her youngest son and lost daughter. They were persistent and upon asking the tribe priestess, Laina had learned that it was her destiny to make one final journey. She had left the next day with only one niece and the woman's husband, all which remained of her family.
She was old and, Kirra learned, suffering from tuberculosis, but grateful that she had not missed the birth of her grandchild. It would be the first that she knew of. None of Kirra's or Tristan's brothers had returned home from their service and their fates were unknown. It was good for Laina to be near her children, so near the end of her life. It was good for her children to learn more of their family and renew old friendships with their cousin.